New Year

I notoriously say, I don’t make resolutions, I make decisions.

Some things never change. And this year, I’m making the decision to take care of myself. Like really take care of myself. I’m putting myself at the top of my priority list. And, I’m focusing on the things that make me truly and genuinely happy.

1. I love being Blaise’s mom. Love. But, motherhood is hard. It’s so incredibly hard. And, I pray over my role as a mother every single day. I just want to give motherhood more of my time. I want to be present for my son more. I want to realign MY priorities.

2. I want to be healthier. I started to figure out this healthier lifestyle stuff last year. I started moving in the right direction, but I struggled making a full commitment. I wanted to have it both ways, and that’s not realistic. I’m taking care of MY health and MY body.

3. I have some major plans, and my finances need adjustments to ensure that’s all possible. Major adjustments. Like a reintroduction to what it means to save. So, I’m reading and researching everything I can find to educate myself. I’m budgeting. I’m figuring it out. I’m taking control of MY finances.

Ultimately, I want to take ownership of my life. I want to be a more committed and confident mother. I want to balance my finances. I want to take control of my health. I want to be happy, for real.

I want 2018 to have ALL the follow up that these other years intended.

Easy enough, right?

I was good on my own. That’s the way it was. That’s the way it was. 

I was speaking to a good friend of mine recently. I was telling her that I’m about to give up my rental, venture back to my mom’s, and grind super hard to purchase a home January 2018. Whew. 

“What are you looking for?” She asked. Immediately plugging her mortgage career, and willing to help along the way. Thanks doll, but I’m not ready for the HGTV experience quite yet. 

However, I’ll be looking for a two-story with a small yard and 2-3 bedrooms. Or, I might be looking for a single story with a pool. I don’t know for certain. I like mid century styling, though. Just something that’s good for me, and B, and probably a couple dogs and a fish. 

Pause. I’m not expecting there to be anyone else. 

Wow. 

I’m not sad about it. I’m not anxious. I’m not eager. I’m just planning for what I know. I’m just planning for my personal certainty. And, I’m totally at peace. 

If something changes, I’ll cross that bridge…probably when I’m already standing on it. 

Sorry I went to the movies with your boyfriend, ma’am. 

Aren’t I too old to be questioned about whether or not I’m out with someone’s boyfriend?

Am I not? We’re still playing these games well into our 30s?

I was sure I’d grown out of this phase. 

Obviously not. 

Blaise and I agreed to go see Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Wanted to have a double movie day last week when we saw Doctor Strange, but some ridiculousness at Chili’s halted those plans. So we were trying again. 

Last time I mentioned it to my friend, just friend because I’m not rushing anything, and he wanted to see Doctor Strange, too. He went with us, tagged along. He and Blaise had all the superhero conversations after the movie. I checked my email and Instagram feed. It worked. I didn’t have to fake understanding anything to be outed afterwards by Blaise. He had a pal who understood all the superhero stuff and was equally impressed by the technology.

We decided to go see the second movie this week. Made plans last week, and invited him again. Nothing romantic. Nothing heavy. It’s a movie. 

We met at the theater. Stood in line. I paid for mine and B’s tickets before he offered. We got to the theater and sat where I could put my feet on the railing. We watched the movie with little chatter, held hands a couple times, and that was it. 

So after the movie, we said our goodbyes. It was casual no need for the long walk out, hand holding, and awkward stares. Goodbye consisted of a quick hug and a half wave. He had errands to run, and so did I. Nothing more.

We left the building separately. Blaise needed to tie his shoe, and I was digging my keys and phone out of my oversized bag. Blaise and I talked all the way to the car. He likes to go over the movie again. He’s really animated, and I typically just focus on him. I didn’t notice the car slowly pull into our lane. I didn’t immediately see that it stopped directly behind him in his parking space. Thank God we didn’t ride together. Someone jumped out and approached his car. It was too tight for me to pull out of my space, so I watched from my rearview mirror hoping they would wrap it up quickly. It was a woman. She seemed to be upset and proceeded to question him. Announced he was her boyfriend. Backed up enough to let him leave, and followed him out of the parking lot. Thank God we didn’t walk out together. Who knows what she was capable of and how long she had been there. 

He played defense almost immediately. He text me and called her a stalker. Claimed she was crazy. Swore that he had broken things off months ago. Ummm…okay. I hear you. That’s what you’re supposed to say, though. 

It wasn’t really a date. It was friendly. It was casual. Two separate cars. A movie outing. My son was with me. We were seeing a movie my kid had picked. This guy, her boyfriend, was on our outing. He was tagging along. 

And, now there’s another guy that I have to tell Blaise has died. 

Side note: I hate when I let my guard down enough to introduce someone to my son, and they turn out to be a jerk. 

Pregnancy scare

I’m too old for this.

I’m great with my birth control. I’m fantastic at tracking my cycle. I rarely make mistakes. James changed me. Actually, I never make mistakes.

So imagine my surprise when my start date came and left with no festivities. Huh? This doesn’t happen to me. Sexual mishaps cost me $44. Even with my birth control, any mistakes require the morning after pill. I’m that particular about motherhood. Again, as in my post Baby?, I love being a mom. But, my next kid needs to come with a family. If you want me to grow your seed, you need to put a ring on it.

The current situation, I have 4 of the 7 early pregnancy symptoms, per the internet. I have failed a couple pregnancy tests though. And, now I’m gonna have a glass of wine. Because I’m stressed enough without adding the possible pregnancy with the man that’s no longer speaking to me.

Disclaimer: A missed cycle can be linked to many things. And, my other symptoms of fatigue (work is killing me right now), food aversions (I’ve always been a quirky eater), and frequent urination (I’ve started drinking more water to get healthier), can be attributed to life.

Life Lesson: The moment you convinced yourself of something, it’s easy to create ways to justify it.

Dating and the Single Mother: Spontaneity

Spontaneity doesn’t live here. Most of my time is planned out within 30 minute intervals. Things already overlap, and I’m spread thin. I am managing two lives daily, mine and my son. I also have a full-time job and a small handmade jewelry business. Shameless plug: blaisedENVY. I’m busy! And, if I’m not planful Blaise and I will both spin out of control.

Non-parents and non custodial parents have trouble understanding this. We cannot make changes at the drop of a hat. What you don’t understand is, our initial plans probably already took extensive planning and arranging. I have to make sure Blaise is cared for, clothes are prepared, lunches are packed, school responsibilities are handled, and he knows that overnight isn’t forever. And, while we’re gone I have calls to answer and promises to keep. I am a mom first, and a hot date second.

So when you cancel on me, you just disrupted a fine order that may have taken me a week to design. I’m probably gonna be upset about that. And if your reason is bogus, I’m probably not going to give you another chance, or I’m going to make you work for it.

I just want the men to understand. My “no” doesn’t mean I’m not interested or don’t care. My “no” is because there is a little person that has to be the priority every time.

As a single mom, I am forever juggling time and events. You can’t make last minute plans with a single mom, and you can’t react negatively to our no. No doesn’t mean I don’t like you. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It simply means I can’t. I am forever building a list of priorities, and “no” you didn’t make the cut this time. Sorry, sir.

Baby?

I want a baby! I love the life I have, but I always envisioned at least one more child. And, Blaise is growing up so fast. I just want those moments one more time. Please…

Every time a man brings up having a child my heart almost jumps out of my chest. Then I’m reminded of the drama filled chaos with the 1st Chris and the heartbreak with James. I want to believe it could be better, but it could be painfully the same. I know better.

Being a single mom is hard work. I have done EVERYTHING for Blaise with little outside help. My parents have been there and been supportive, but everyone else only has to do what they want to do. I don’t have that luxury. No one has ever given me a break when I felt overwhelmed or allowed me to cry on their shoulder. I have carried the good and bad times, emotional, physical, and mental, on my back alone. And, that’s fine because Blaise is my son. I don’t regret anything about him, EVER. I just don’t know if I’m up to doing it again the same way.

So I wait it out, right? Probably not. I’m 33 years old. I have less than 2 years to meet Mr. Right, fall “in love,” get married, and make a baby. I don’t even have a prospect. I don’t have a chance. Instead, I let this go. I continue to thank God EVERYDAY for the blessing that is Blaise. And if I need to hold a baby, I politely ask a stranger and hope for the best. LOL

Disclaimer: There are added health risks and complications after a woman turns 35. I don’t want to take that chance.

James

He’s back. I have a tendency to just date the same handful of men over and over again. Case in point, James. He pointed out to me that we have been in and out of each other’s lives for 7+ years.

Who does that?

Me. I do.

So there’s something that has propelled this along for almost a decade, but what?

We are almost toxic. We bring out high emotion in each other. It’s gas and fire meeting in rage and passion. All the time.

So what do I say when he wants to try again. This time officially, like two grown people who have their stuff together. How do I open the door without the fear that it will slam in my face?

Backstory: James and I started dating on the heels of his divorce. I was struggling with my stance with the 1st Chris, and he was half in and half out of his marriage. It was bad timing for both of us. I think we were both place holders finding comfort outside an uncomfortable situation. And it worked, until it didn’t.

The end was peaceful. I don’t remember any drama, but it was over 7 years ago. We bounced in and out of each other’s lives multiple times afterwards. Just friends really.

Then the unthinkable happened. I got pregnant, and we freaked out. It was emotional chaos. I was overwhelmed. I HATE being a single mother. I didn’t want to do it again. And, there was no comfort from him. He didn’t want a family with me. He wanted this baby. That’s the LAST thing a single mom wants to hear.

I fought between abortion and having the baby. I decided to have the baby. James and I committed to figuring it out. The first doctors appointment came. I wanted to go alone. I had always gone alone with Blaise. I preferred it. I liked having that time to discuss things with my doctor. Something’s aren’t cute and need to be private.

I went to the doctors appointment, and they couldn’t find the heartbeat. The baby we had literally fought to have, was gone. We spent all that time thinking it was our decision, and it never was. We were both heart broken.

We’ve only talked a handful of times since. It’s hard to go back after something so big. Until today, when he put down his guard and told me he cares about me. And, I care about him too. It’s just that our history is so big, I’m scared a relationship would be suffocating.

We shall see…

Disclaimer: I have always been pro choice. It’s not my place, or anyone else’s, to judge what someone decides to do in their situation. It’s between that person and their God.