42. What’s up?

I’m 42. 42? This happened so fast.

I’m so blessed to be here. Everyone didn’t make it. I’m not quite sure if that’s a gift or a curse, but I’m grateful still.

42 things I’ve learned on this journey. I don’t really have a full 42, but here’s a handful.

1. I’m magical. Like, I’m overwhelmingly incredible. I’m a damn unicorn.

2. My opinion matters as much as everyone else’s. I am just as important, but not an ounce more than.

3. No one has a right to disrespect me, not friend, family, or employer.

4. I’m doing what makes me feel good and discussing it with God. Outside opinions just complicate things. If I didn’t ask, save it. If I did ask, be brutally honest with me.

5. Everyday we wake up is a renewed chance to get life right. Keep striving to be better.

Happy Birthday to me😘

$LeandreaLarry

Parent/Child/Caregiver/Dating/Friend Relationships

“You haven’t really posted in awhile. What’s going on?” I was asked by a regular reader while picking up some necessities at Ulta. I had my head down, checking “notes” in my phone, to ensure I’d gotten everything I needed.

I looked at her. Smiled. Then felt bad that I hadn’t maintained my blog. I love writing. I love discussing relationships. I don’t have near as much romance going on as when I started this. I was newly in my 30s, no mortgage, just one child, and actively dating. BUT, I still have a story to tell.

I’m a completely different person now. I’ve seen some shit.

My focus now is on developing my relationships. Figuring out how to grow and change in them.

Things are different.

I’m seeing someone, but I’m not. (If you’re reading this, don’t be offended by that statement. We haven’t had the “what are we” conversation. I’ll blog again after we do.) We’re defining things as we go. It’s light and casual. He understands that I don’t have a lot of time, and he’s being patient. He won’t wait forever. He won’t think I’m always worth this amount of effort. That’s fine. Hopefully I’ll figure things out before we get there. Or not. I’m not overthinking this.

I’m still the 41 year old mother of both an almost 3 and 16 1/2 year old. I still have a full time job, support my oldest son’s business, pay these bills, take care of these people, and have a dog. And now, my dad lives here. I’m his caregiver, his assistant, and his maid.

It’s a lot. It’s so incredibly much. When I tell you I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m. Tired.

And, my house is a mess. And, I’m cooking almost everyday of the week. And, this isn’t who I am. Was?

This is almost verbatim what I told her. I was playing with my hair. Loving the cut and struggling with the loss of 12 inches of my security blanket.

“Well, your hair is cute.” She said digesting my life story.

“Thanks.”

“Listen, post when you can. I’ll be waiting, but you have your hands full. I’m not rushing you.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ve been there. It’s a lot. Take care of yourself.”

And, then she hugged me. It was genuine, and awkward in these corona times. My eyes got misty. It was so…nice.

So, here’s my post. That’s the update. I’ll try to do better. I’ll discuss all my relationships. I’ll keep redefining the blog as my life changes.

XOXO

Infertility.

I’d both raved and complain about my job as a mother the first few times we were in each other’s presence. I have the obnoxious ability to work my children into any conversation. I’d made motherhood a part of my identity, and I expected everyone to just get it. Then I met a women dealing with infertility.

That isn’t part of my journey. I don’t understand.

Do I?

I don’t.

I couldn’t enjoy my last pregnancy due to the miscarriage before it. I lived in 38 weeks of fear. But, it all worked out. I don’t know how you feel. I thought I did, but I don’t. I can’t possibly understand, not fully. Not truly.

Infertility. You are in your early 30s. No bad decisions to question. No devastating medical reason or hereditary issues to blame. Just the hand you were dealt? Ummm…okay. Do you have a thousand questions? Are you furious at God? Should you have gotten a second, third, forth opinion?

I’m so out of line. Nosy. Obsessed.

She was kind.

She provided patience and education. She gave insight and calmness. She’s been on this journey. She has accepted this amazing life that she has and everything she offers. Her womanhood, individuality, and strength are tied to her presence not her fertility.

She taught me that my identity isn’t tied to my being their mother. It’s a part of my whole. And, women can be whole without that part.

Thank you Fatima.

As I ignore the romantic relationships, I’m really focused on the other relationships in my life. They all help shape us.

Don’t stay where you aren’t welcomed.

I’m writing about the celebrity that just put all his personal business on the internet. The most recent one. The one that was just reinstated from his last cancellation. I saw a smidge. I’m not an expert. That’s the only disclaimer being offered.

First and foremost, please leave your personal business off the internet. Number one, it’s classless. It’s trashy. It’s unnecessary. Number two, it’s recorded evidence of your ridiculousness. Explain that to the judge…if needed.

Second, and equally important, never stay where you aren’t wanted! I know there’s more to the story. I know there are things left unsaid. I get ALL of that. But I am asking, and/begging, never stay. Never rush back. Never make someone a priority that is not that concerned about you.

Third, but also equally important. If they don’t respect your child, regardless if that’s their child or not, don’t go for that foolishness. Pack your shit, pack your shit, and get out! Yes, that was in my Bernadine voice from Waiting to Exhale.

I saw a smidge.

All easy stuff. Act accordingly.

Conditions

I have given unconditional love. I’m actually quite good at it. I’m from a family that never throws you away. I have a gang of aunties and family that never quite divorced in the divorce. Love is a tie that binds forever. It is unconditional.

I subscribe to that. I believe in that. If I ever loved you, don’t doubt that my love, at some level and wave length, is forever. That’s guaranteed.

That probably sounds like a contradiction, but it’s not. Because, my relationships have conditions. I’m not going for just anything.

Prompted by a conversation, of course. She loves him with no limits. They have two kids together. There’s no ring. There’s been no question.

No judgement. Many of us are standing in our own pile of shit.

He hasn’t fully committed. May never fully commit. One foot in the relationship family. One foot in his bachelorhood.

She loves him unconditionally though. They have two kids. It’s been off and on for seven years. She doesn’t want to let him go for him to straighten up for the next woman. She’s just gonna keep holding on?

Don’t do this.

Put conditions on this relationship. Have requirements. Demand the standard, and expect more based on what y’all have established as the blueprint of your relationship.

Conditions are okay. We expect them with everything else. Look for them. Respect them.

Because, if he can’t get on board with a healthy relationship, you need to move on anyway.

So love with your whole heart, but handle your relationships with reason and respect, too.

It’s all going to work out. I promise.

Attached

I hollered. Fanned myself. Had to lay down. Fixed myself a drink. Drank it. Repeat. Cried it out. Showered. Drank more, straight from the bottle. Oiled my scalp. Pulled my hair from the root. Screamed. Prayed. Sheesh. This is everything. Infinity. Amen.

Because I hate to lose, even if I don’t really want to win. And, I get overly attached early on. Many times it has developed into a connection, but often not. Maybe that’s why I fight so hard. I allow it to consume me. Maybe that’s why when I’m done, I’m done. I wasn’t that connected in the first place.

I thought I had something in my last relationship. I almost immediately felt this chemistry with him. We seemed instantly connected. I wanted this to work. He was kind. He showed immediate interest. Genuine interest. Q/A. He shared about himself and his life openly. We talked about goals and desires. We talked about fantasy and childhood. It was a lot.

I was falling for this guy. I had a strong connection.

Then a switch flipped. Everything I appreciated started to disappear. Less and less communication. Less and less attention. Less and less of everything.

I questioned it. I was connected. I wanted to figure it out. I was committed to fixing it. I wanted things back the way they’d been.

He told me I was imagining things. We were good. I was creating a problem. I was being ridiculous. Why can’t I just accept that we love each other and let this progress naturally?

Love doesn’t feel like this.

I became manic. This was the attachment. It kicked in at full speed.

Was it me? What changed? When did it change? What happened? Hindsight is 20/20, right? Let me play everything back. Let me profess my emotions. Let me explain my intentions. Let me fix this.

Nothing worked. And, the more I found the more I didn’t want to go back. This man wasn’t who I thought he was.

But I’d introduced my sons. I need to maintain a connection, right? I mean I don’t introduce many men, and I don’t want to seem like there’s a revolving door on my love life. So, yep, let’s be cool. Social media, a few text messages, FaceTime on holidays. Do exes do that? Can we be those people?

Of course, he said. We’re friends, he said.

But none of that was sincere.

I’m okay. I’m disappointed that I allowed my attachment to lead this far. I put my guard down. I thought things were worth fighting for when they weren’t. I allowed someone into my life that wasn’t genuine, and that happens. But when your spirit says something isn’t okay, move on.

I connected to him early, but I became attached and didn’t want to lose again when it started to go south. I fought to win a prize I would probably have been miserable having.

Attachment will wreck your life. Connection feels different.

FYI: No hate. I’m not mad. I could have walked away at any time. I made a choice to continue in the chaos.

It just didn’t work. It’s okay. No hard feelings.

Maintain that energy

I don’t think that it’s too much to ask for you to maintain the energy you were on when you pursued me, when you get me. Seriously, if you come in the relationship doing X, Y, and Z, you should maintain that.

You shouldn’t pull a switch up. You shouldn’t change the dynamic. You should keep us going at the same speed you originally established.

It’s not too much to ask. It’s not. It’s really not.

When we first started talking, it was constant and continuous. We talked or text 90K times a day. It was romantic. It was humorous. It was real. We were learning so much about each other. Our time together was interesting and fun. I enjoyed being around you…him.

Then you (he) started to pull away. Responses became one word. Time became impossible. I asked what was wrong. You (He) made me think I was crazy. Nothing had changed? There are no issues? You’ve just been busy? Tired?

I started to match that new energy. I didn’t feel compelled to talk to you (him) either. I didn’t make time for you (him). I stopped trying too hard to find time for you (him).

We both became really comfortable without the other. It was a complete 360, overnight.

I fought for you (him). Little by little. You (He) resisted.

I gave up.

Moments after we started, we ended. It was all because you (he) changed your (his) intent. You (He) switched up the energy. You (He) changed focus, and I gave in. I got tired of trying, and I finally pulled the plug. There wasn’t anything left. You (He) pushed me away with both hands.

I’m not mad. Disappointed. Every new relationship we assume is the right one. You’ll get it right. It will work itself out. When it doesn’t, it’s a lot to process.

Oh well. I’ve been here before.

Disclaimer:

As always, this is directed at someone. And, he’s someone I was wildly attached to. Loved him. Sad it didn’t work out. Not saying never, but I can’t see a change. He just refused to try.

In his defense, a lot happened right after we started dating. He became a recluse in it all. I worried he may be a little depressed, and I wanted to stick it out to ensure he knew I had his back. But, the relationship started to make me doubt myself. I started to get jealous and self conscious. That’s when I realized we needed a major change, or I needed to walk away. And, nothing changed.

I love him, and I’m sad.

I am all those things.

06/13/2014

I am self conscious. I’m unsure. I’m scared. I’m horribly imperfect. I’m not in the right body. I’m not in the right head space. I’m terrified to end up alone. I feel unappreciated.

You can’t tell me anything about me, I’m living it.

“Here — tell these people something they dont know about me.” -Eminem 8 Mile

09/08/2019

There’s a part of reading this initial post that makes me really sad. I hate to think that I had that much negative shit to say about myself.

BUT, I get me.

These things are all still true. I’m sitting here rocking my baby in a t-shirt and my undies, committing to toning up my legs and core, losing weight everywhere, and strengthening my skincare regimen…maybe. I gotta get this shit under control.

I’m dating, but it’s new. Neither shoe has dropped, but I’m super cautious. Because, I believe all that stuff about myself, 100%, and I have a newborn to add to the list of red flags. I mean I don’t date guys with young children. Too much potential drama. Layer that on to thunder thighs and lingering post pregnancy acne, and I’m left wondering what the hell he’s doing pursuing me.

But, I get me. I KNOW me.

No one can attack me. I am my own worst critic. I’ve already analyzed the hell out of me. You can’t tell me anything I don’t already know.

The flip side to this imperfect body is that it brought two amazing boys into this world, thirteen years apart.

I support the people I love. I stand in the trenches unafraid, even when I’m feeling unappreciated.

My headspace is contingent on what’s happening around me. That’s fine. I can handle the ups and downs.

And although I am terrified to be alone forever, I can if I gotta. Single is a really comfortable place for me. Plus, I’m dating anyway. He likes me, genuinely, and I like him. And, if it crashes and burns, I’ll blog about it and move on.

Side note: I’ve decided to start trying to complete some of my many MANY unfinished blog entries.

This is the oldest draft I had. I started it shortly after I started this blog. I’m sure it came after a difficult moment dealing with the second Chris, and I was feeling both ready to fight and ready to cry.

Because, I’d probably just realized there was competition. She was thinner, with long legs, and a much tighter waist. And, she was a local to my almost two hour trek. They’d known each other longer. Despite their drama and insanity, he was invested. And, although I brought a ton of quality shit to the table, I couldn’t compete with those things. Those were big things.

In the end, neither of us ended up with him. We spent what I can only assume were, at least, months in competition, teetering back and forth between winning and losing. And, it was never worth the work or chaos. I decided not to ever again be in that situation. Dating competitions typically don’t produce a real winner, anyway.

And, never to judge myself against someone else’s scale. I’m a damn catch, with my intentional and unintentional curves and extra baby softness.

Newborn and giving up.

6/22 I’m writing this with my newborn son on my shoulder. It’s been one week, two hours, and seventeen minutes of me being a mom of two. He’s perfect, and I’m faking normalcy.

7/27 My baby is now 6 weeks and 1 day. We’re side by side in the backseat of a car. We took a mini vacation to Memphis. It was challenging. It was an adventure. We’re in the last hour of the drive, he’s tired of the car seat, he wonders why I’m not taking him out of it, and I’m typing this with one hand while I hold his pacifier with the other.

But, he’s absolutely perfect. He’s happy and curious most of the time, but he screams his head off when he’s hungry. And, he expects his pacifier to be available 100% of the time. Doesn’t matter if he wants it. He wants it to be available. We have 6 pacifiers. He’s training me well. Again, I’m holding his pacifier in his mouth this moment.

I’m madly in love. I’m mother to 2 beautiful boys, 13 years apart, and almost identical twins. My heart is full. I can barely contain my happiness, even during 3A feedings and poop filled diapers. Life is good. I’m very blessed.

I can’t seem to wrap my mind around what’s happened in the last year. The break up. The pregnancy. The baby. Nothing was part of the plan. I give up.

And, I don’t give up in a negative way. I give up making decisions regarding love. I give up being sure of anything. Because my happiest moments were being single and open to whatever happened. I was free.

Right now, I don’t want to be a wife, or a fiancé, or a girlfriend. I just want to have a few dates, eventually. I just want a handful of compliments and a few conversations a week. It’s easy, and it lacks decisions.

New Year

I notoriously say, I don’t make resolutions, I make decisions.

Some things never change. And this year, I’m making the decision to take care of myself. Like really take care of myself. I’m putting myself at the top of my priority list. And, I’m focusing on the things that make me truly and genuinely happy.

1. I love being Blaise’s mom. Love. But, motherhood is hard. It’s so incredibly hard. And, I pray over my role as a mother every single day. I just want to give motherhood more of my time. I want to be present for my son more. I want to realign MY priorities.

2. I want to be healthier. I started to figure out this healthier lifestyle stuff last year. I started moving in the right direction, but I struggled making a full commitment. I wanted to have it both ways, and that’s not realistic. I’m taking care of MY health and MY body.

3. I have some major plans, and my finances need adjustments to ensure that’s all possible. Major adjustments. Like a reintroduction to what it means to save. So, I’m reading and researching everything I can find to educate myself. I’m budgeting. I’m figuring it out. I’m taking control of MY finances.

Ultimately, I want to take ownership of my life. I want to be a more committed and confident mother. I want to balance my finances. I want to take control of my health. I want to be happy, for real.

I want 2018 to have ALL the follow up that these other years intended.

Easy enough, right?