First Draft: “What do I want?”

What do I want?

I finally figured it out. And, it only took heartbreak, headache, and frustration.

This is the first draft. (More like the 99th draft over the years, but those didn’t really get me anywhere.)

I want to be adored. I want to be appreciated. I want to be valued. I want to be loved. I want to be respected. I want to be cared for. I want to be doted on. I want to be loved. I want to be safe. I want to be protected. I want to be motivated. I want to be loved. I want to be supported. I want stability. I want to be a priority. 

I deserve that.

Side note: A few small changes, and this could be my wedding vows. 

Magic 8 Ball, will I ever get married?


I want a wedding. 


Of course, I want a wedding.  I’ve been planning and designing it since I was a little girl.  Almost had one once. Asked to have one twice. Of course, I want a wedding.

I imagine styling my natural hair like something I’ve pinned from Pinterest. Maybe growing it long enough for a high bun or having it straightened like the old me. My make up will be understated. I want to look like me, but lots of lashes. I want my lashes to show in photographs. Individual lashes, nothing that screams falsies, done by a professional. 

I’ll wear diamond earrings. Something large, celebrity, and with the same cut as my engagement ring. Any other jewelry will be determined based on my hair, but I must have the earrings. 

My dress will be traditional, fitted. Classic with considerable beadwork or lace. And, I’ll wear flats everywhere but in pictures.

I’ll have just a few bridesmaids. I can only think of 3. They’ll wear different dresses based on their comfort level and body type. I really like olive green and coral. Something in one of those colors. We’ll make jewelry. Design it  with them. Make it with them. Sharing my passion. They’ll carry small bouquets in Fall colors. 

Fall wedding. I’m thinking late September to mid-October. 

My son will walk me down the aisle. He will wear a black tuxedo and white Converse. I love Converse. He doesn’t. Great opportunity to get him to wear them. I’ll pin a hot pink rose in his lapel just as the doors open for us. We will talk the entire way down. I’ll have a vintage handkerchief. He will have some  Kleenex in his pocket for me. He will tell me he’s happy. And, all my jitters will subside. We will stop at my parents. I’ll hug them both. And, they will all stand for me when the pastor asks who gives me to be married. 

The ceremony will be simple. Flower girl and ring bearer, but not all of those other roles. I know I want a soloist, but I have no idea what they would sing. I’m sure I don’t want any of those sand or water ceremonies. I hope my future husband isn’t counting on those. Also, no stand up comedy by the pastor. Romantic, comfortable, and simplistic. Straight to the point, and on to the reception. 

The wedding and reception will be at the same venue. Same room if I can make it work. No standing around. No waiting and boredom. As soon as we exit for picture taking and quiet moments, the music starts, appetizers round, and drinks start to flow. My husband, family, and wedding party get a little down time. We get a moment, but the party continues. No one notices I’ve stolen time with my new husband, taken a thousand pictures with the people I love, and I’m high-fiving my son in a corner because he wore the Converse and didn’t complain. 

Within an hour, we will make an entrance. Nothing too grand, I’m uncomfortable with too much attention. Shortly after, I’ll take the dance floor. My dad and I will dance, and Blaise will cut in. Then my new husband will cut in, the song will change to I’d Rather by Luther Vandross, and someone will announce our first dance. We will dance and talk about how perfect everything is, how we can’t believe we are pulling it all off, and how much we appreciate everyone coming. We will laugh, and he will spin me. Then everyone will join and we will dance until dinner arrives. And, we will dance again after dinner. And, we will dance until we cut the cake. And, we will dance again. Eventually, we will thank everyone who came. There will be wardrobe changes, make up updates, and garders and bouquets. We will do all of that too. 

I can’t decide if I’ll have a band or DJ. I’ve gone back and forth between the two. A band seems glamorous. A DJ seems much more practical. I don’t know, but probably a DJ. If so, he will have to dress better than DJs I’ve seen in the past at weddings. IJS

At the end of the night, we will all depart. My new husband and I will spend the night with close family. The honeymoon will be scheduled the next day. The family part will continue until then. Pictures will continue into the night. We will go to bed late, after more drinks, movies, and family fun stuff. We will be a family for awhile longer before we are just a couple on a vacation. At some point, teary eyed, I will declare that I married my bestfriend.

I can have a wedding, an incredible wedding even. I just don’t know how I feel about marriage. 

Love songs

Love songs are meant for weddings. I can’t remember ever listening to a love song and thinking, “Yep, that’s my relationship. That’s the epitome of US.”

I listen to love songs, much like I listen to the radio…mindlessly. I sing along with the words, memorize the melody, and have no idea what’s going on. They don’t speak to me. I’m not yearning for love through a song. I’m not jealous of what they found. I don’t even hear most of the words. 

But a sad break up song…AMEN!

I was driving back home after dropping my son off. 2 1/2 hours, varying speed limits, trapped in my Mini Cooper ALONE. The radio station, it took me 15 minutes to find, gave out as soon as I went back in the direction I’d come. 

Thank God for auxiliary cables and iTunes. 

I have this thing where I randomly pick from my artist collection and just listen to everything I have of theirs on shuffle. There’s a lot of good stuff that never makes it to the radio. And, I feel like the money I spent on the entire album is much better invested. 

Jazmine Sullivan, Fearless

“Lions, Tigers, & Bears”

“Bust Your Windows”

All I need is a good girlfriend to commerate with and a vodka and cranberry. She is singing my life…kinda. The stuff I think about, but can’t actually do because I’m protecting my clean criminal record. 

I knew almost every word to every song on the album. Was waving my hands, shaking my head, and hopelessly trying to harmonize. That’s what a good break up song will do for you. 

Who needs love songs…unless it’s that classic old school mix after the Electic Slide, while they’re serving us single girls cake. 

Wedding Dresses

I was on a lunch date. Cute guy, and he’s interesting.

He took a call, business or something he deemed important. I’m an only child. I’m more than equipped to entertain myself, especially with a smart phone and a gazillion apps.

I decided to browse Pinterest. Why not?

(Backstory. I’m obsessed with wedding stuff. Probably missed my calling as a wedding planner, or a bride. I love wedding dresses. And although I can’t imagine a groom, wedding, or marriage for myself, I dream about wedding dresses.)

That’s what I was pinning. Well, I was liking them. I didn’t officially pin them until today. Folks think the single girl, with the relationship blog about failures, pinning wedding dresses, might be crazy. Today, I don’t care though.

When he peeked over my shoulder, he seemed a little taken aback by what I was doing. He didn’t spark this interest. A fellow pinner, pinning dresses, prompted me to look at more dress pins. No biggie.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Now, we’re kinda awkward. Oops!

Thanks for the lunch, though.