Toxic is toxic. 

Toxic is toxic…SMH

I’ve struggled in a relationship recently. Trying to determine if this is worth the work. 

You can’t let toxic people stay in your life. I know this sounds like a “duh” moment, but if you take an assessment of everyone in your life you’ll probably realize it’s easier said than done. 

Toxicity can live in romance, with your parents, siblings, or extended family. It can be your BF or your BFF. It can be tied to any relationship. You have to identify toxicity despite the relationship or the reason. And, you have to get rid of it. 

Disclaimer: I am NOT saying you have to cut people out of your life. You may, but you may not. It could be enough to change the dynamic of the relationship, if the other person is willing. 

No matter what, your overall health is dependent on the chemistry of your relationships. 

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Disclaimer

I’m not settling. I’m not accepting shenanigans. I’m not cutting breaks. I’m not giving unlimited chances. I’ve already done all that. And, where did it get me? Back at start. Standing at go. Single. 

I work a lot. I’m a mom. I write this blog. I’m launching/re-launching a business. I’m busy. My back aches every night because of all the stress and anxiety I’ve carried through the day. I cry way more than I want to admit. And, I’m terrified that everything won’t work out the way I want. 

I can’t handle anything else. If you come into my life, you need to do so with good intentions. You need to try. You need to give. You need to love. And, I’m not asking for anything big. The little things add up to the big things. And, I’ll appreciate the journey. 

So, don’t come here if you aren’t ready. I don’t have the time or the desire. 

IJS, and I thought you should know. 

Side note: In case you hadn’t guessed, another one bites the dust. He was just too needy.  

30 Eye Openers

30 signs that someone isnt interested, or is half-heartedly interested, in you. How to avoid being a passing time candidate. An older post from Bagger Eclaim

1. They’re not contacting you or are sporadically contacting you.

2. They may not even bother speaking with you and rely predominantly on emails, text messages, and instant messenger.

3. They treat you like an option.

4. They don’t want to put both of their feet in and commit. They’d like you to ‘go with the flow’ even if there is nothing flowing, and to expect nothing beyond this.

5. The relationship doesn’t progress – it goes in fits and starts, stalls, or goes into reverse.

6. They’re keeping you a secret.

7. They tend to be around/call you up when they want something. It might be money, attention, an ego stroke, sex, an armchair psychologist, but if you think back to all the times when you’ve heard from them, you may notice that it was a preamble to something.

8. They leave it to the last minute/short notice to make plans. They may not even bother to make last minute plans – they might just show up late at night expecting you to be around.

9. They create drama in the hope that you’ll take the hint that they’re not interested and end it, so that they can be let off the hook

10. When you’re broken up with them, they get in touch, often in a lazy manner just to ensure that you still jump to their beat. In fact, take the fact that you’re not in a relationship with them as a major sign of disinterest. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that they got in touch because they want to get back together.

11. They’ll make a lot of noise when you attempt to move on with someone else and then when you ‘reciprocate’, they’re nowhere to be seen.

12. They send text messages, emails, or leave voicemails, and when you no doubt eagerly respond, they either take ages to or don’t bother at all.

13. They don’t break up with their wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend. But they still expect to be with you. Hell, they seem to think you have all the time in the frickin’ world to be waiting around for them.

14. They don’t get that divorce finalised. In fact, they may even pretend they’ve started proceedings!

15. They keep blaming timing, the no 5 bus, work, their ex, their commitment issues, or whatever the excuse du jour is, for why they can’t be or do something. In fact, they keep making excuses.

16. They’re sporadic in their efforts, and you can often pin bursts of efforts to when you either told them to beat it or they felt in danger of losing you.

17. They keep changing their mind about their interest in you.

18. They talk incessantly about themselves while not really taking an interest in you. OR… they deflect conversations away from details about themselves and try to focus on you.

19. They tell you that they love you but they’re not in love with you, that they’re not ready for a relationship, they’re not the right person for you, that they’re a ‘bad person’, ‘out of your league’, that you’re ‘too good for them’ and other such things that basically say I have limited interest in you.

20. They sleep with other people while sleeping with you.

21. They only have a sexual interest in you.

22. It takes them weeks or even months to call you up after a date or taking your number.

23. You’re hanging out like friends. You may even be friends with benefits.

24. They disappear for periods of time.

25. They’re more interested in having things their way, on their terms, being right, and having the power.

26. They treat you without love, care, trust, and respect. Even if you don’t love one another yet, it shouldn’t stop them from being a respectful person with integrity that cares about their actions and those around them.

27. They treat everyone from the old lady down the street, to the postman, the dog and whoever else has no romantic expectations of them with decency, but when it comes to you, they’re an assclown.

28. They’re either Future Avoiders, afraid to talk about the future or make plans, or they’re Future Fakers, faking a future so they can get what they want in the present, because they know they won’t be around in the future, because they’re not genuinely interested.

29. They are controlling, manipulative, jealous and possessive. These are not signs that they’re actually interested in you – these are signs that they want to control you. This is not the same as love or as a result of love. A person who behaves in this way isn’t the type to have a balanced, respectful relationship, and may not even really want you but won’t want anyone else to have you either.

30. They’re so ‘busy’, they have no time for the relationship. Nobody is that busy and when someone is genuinely interested they find the time.

After reading this, I had to go to my mirror and have a real conversation with myself. 

“I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m witty. I’m worth more than any of these situations. I should be valued and adored, not hidden away and used. 

Starting right now, I am demanding more than this in my relationships. I’m requiring more than this for myself.”

Because, I’ve been involved in more than a few of these. Found myself allowing this chaos in my life like it was normal. It happened before I knew it though, and some situations even masked themselves as something far more honest and small. Not again. 

Disclaimer: This quickly became all about me. I’m just sharing my moment. There’s no advice or story this time. Honestly, I hope no one can relate. 

Age ain’t nothing but a number

  

“Age ain’t nothing but a number…” – Aaliyah 1990

In 1990, when I was 9 and probably had a crush on a 19 year old movie star, I though this song was the anthem to my life. 

 I had no idea what a considerable age difference 10 years is. At 20, I was totally open to dating an almost 30 year old. I thought since girls mature faster than boys, and I’m so wise for my age, it’s the perfect match. Sure.

What I wasn’t thinking, as a 20 year old with a slightly inflated sense of self, was that a 30 year old was leading a completely different life. We weren’t in the same place. I was still blowing my entire paycheck on hanging out and designer accessories. I was still eating breakfast cereal with cartoon characters on the box, and I couldn’t pull myself out of bed before 7A, for any reason. And, my biggest aspirations in life were to make a thousand dollars on one pay check and to turn 21.

My 30 year old self is different. I’m a mother. I have real responsibilities and obligations. I’m wide awake no later than 6A every morning including weekends and not typically by choice. And although I hit that paycheck milestone a while back, my priorities have changed. I’m penciling bill payments onto my daily planner while checking my retirement plan online. 

My 20 year old self and 30 year old self wouldn’t even be friends. They wouldn’t even tolerate each other. 

That’s how I see the big age gaps. How much do we have in common? Do we have the same set of priorities? Even if we make it through this decade of difference, how will we fair in the next one? Will our lives, needs, and desires continue to line up? Valid questions. 

Really stuck on this one. So, I asked around. I started by messaging a few close friends, then I took it to FB, and finally I wrapped it up by discussing it with my mom. Lots of opinions, and all of them incredibly interesting. 

-One of my good friends agreed that 10 years is a bit much. He has a 6 year cap going both ways.  That’s genius. 

-Another was down for the adventure. She said take the plunge. 

-Many of my friends felt like you should judge a person on who they are and their life experiences only, and let age go. “Be open-minded.”

-One person even used the phrase, “age ain’t nothing but a number.”

-Some refused to touch my question with a 10 foot pole. 

-One friend brought up people’s inability to date in this day and age. I agreed times a thousand. That’s a whole other post though. I noticed that he only mentioned dating down and not up. I wonder if he could get the tradition he’s looking for from an older woman. Someone who has more experience dating before texting and Netflix ruined us all. 

-Really liked the comment that urged me to, “evaluate the people around you and be honest with yourself,” based on my needs. I think that’s multifaceted. What are the needs of the people around me, my son, and what type of people am I associating with? Use that to determine the age range that I’m open to dating. 

-Lots of May/December success stories. That was promising. It absolutely can work. 

– Quite a few parental scares, too. Can someone considerably older be your mate without parenting you? Can they allow you to make some life decisions without wanting to guide you? Are they your partner or your guardian? Will you need to get a permission slip signed to live your life?

So the moral of this story is that I don’t have an opinion. Gasp, I know. I really don’t, though. I think this is for whoever is living it. Because it’s complicated, and it’s based on where you are in your life. (Quickly my younger friends pointed out that 10 down is both inappropriate and illegal.) And, it’s based on who you are dealing with. 

Personally, I’m doing a 5 year window. (I rather 5 than 6, but my friend can still take credit for the idea.) I’m not closed to stretching it. You can be born before or after January 24, 1976 or 1986 and still approach me. I’ll play this as a case by case but, you’ve also been warned. 

Disclaimer: This post was prompted by real life. Yep. There’s this guy…

Apples v Oranges

  
He’s not me. And,I’m not him. 

We are two different people. We have different needs and communicate in different ways. It’s okay…if we understand that.  

Had some issues recently. He wasn’t doing things the way that I would. 

He had some issues with me too. I wasn’t doing things the way that he would. 

We aren’t the same person. We wouldn’t be attracted to each other if we were. And, we are so good together until we make a mountain out of a mole hill. But, not always. We have valid disagreements. We both have valid issues and concerns. We handle things so differently. We have such different needs, and we communicate them so differently. 

Are we not listening to each other? Are we not trying hard enough? 

Disclaimer: This post was originally written a couple weeks ago. Life has definitely changed since this, but I learned from this situation. 

Mars v Venus

SMH

Put me in coach. Pick me.

I want to be first string in my relationships. Is that asking too much?

Had a little situation recently. He changed plans with me to support a friend. I get it, you should support your friends. But, understand that I will get jealous. It’s not cute. It’s not necessarily okay, but it’s how I felt. I don’t wanna compete with the other people in your life, especially if I’m going to lose.

How do you say that without coming across as a brat?

That’s our issue. Our problems are typically the things that I consider obvious, that he completely misses. And, bringing them up makes me look petty. Every time. I shouldn’t have to say make me a priority, but I do. He won’t understand my feelings, and then he will become defensive. Then we have a spat and avoid it completely until the happens again. This is a cycle of crazy.

Disclaimer: This post was originally written onDecember 27th. These issues aren’t mine issues anymore, but my feelings were valid enough that I wanted to go ahead and post.  

I cheated, but not the way you think. 

  
I cheated. 

Yep. I did, but not the way you think. Actually, it was worse. And, it prolonged our relationship. 

I am an emotional cheater. 

I haven’t had too many relationships that were totally satisfying. They ended because they were missing something necessary to the relationship survival. Duh. Often it was something I refused to demand. And, I felt awful when it finally ended even though I knew it wouldn’t last. 

So, I’ve figured out that the demise of my last relationship was the fact we didn’t really know each other that well. We didn’t talk enough. We didn’t emotionally connect. We didn’t feed each other mentally and emotionally. I kept all my “best guy friends.” I didn’t expect my man to satisfy my emotions, because I already had that elsewhere.

No bueno.  

And, I was good with the chaos I’d created in my life and relationship. I got to maintain the comfort of my friends, and I got to have a great physical relationship with this man I was so incredibly attracted too. Until, I tried to put my emotional expectations on him. He wasn’t ready for that. We didn’t have that, and everything crashed to floor. 

It was messy, and I need to get away from it before it swallows me whole. I wanted him to be my everything, but that was unrealistic when we weren’t established that way. 

I had to decide if I wanted to just keep emotionally cheating, forever. Or, did I want to let it go and start fresh elsewhere? I wanted both. I wanted him to alter himself and be who I wanted him to be. I wanted to keep all my guy friends, but stop relying on them to fill spots in my relationship my man wasn’t filling. I wanted everything to work out in my favor. I wanted to win. 

Life doesn’t work out that way. Life gives you what it wants you to have. God creates who you ultimately become based on the chaos you live through. 

DISCLAIMER: So there’s a person who likes to hang me for any blog entry they disagree with. Ummm…okay. A part of my blog is letting people into my life and taking their criticisms. So let me explain myself. I emotionally cheated meaning, I relied way too heavily on people outside my past relationship for emotional support. I didn’t feel that I could share many things with my man as BFF’s. Instead of pushing to work through that I continued to lean on my friends just as I had before my relationship. I never stepped outside my relationship physically. And more than actually cheating on him,  we didn’t grow our relationship the way I wish we had. And when I/we did try, it was incredibly difficult because it wasn’t the relationship we had been having. There was resistance and instead of pushing I continued to make my friends my emotional support. I loved my ex. I never did anything to intentionally hurt him. We didn’t have an emotionally sound relationship due to past hurt and heart break, physical availability, and both trying to figure out what we wanted from ourselves and each other. Ultimately we just didn’t, and that’s both devastating and unfortunate. And, I wish better for both of us moving forward. 

There.