Communication

C. O. M. M. U. N. I. C. A. T. I. O. N.

Had a hiccup in my relationship recently. I’m using the word hiccup to mean epic disaster that almost ended everything.

Yep. Hiccup.

Basically we had another communication failure. It’s kinda our thing. We’re two independent and head strong individuals trying to learn how to function as a team. We are both better at individual sports than team events. We don’t even do relays.

It’s tough.

Yesterday was the final straw though, for me. It was just too reminiscent of the obstacles I thought we’d gotten past. It was too dangerously familiar. I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t do it all, again. I was ready to cut and run.

He was holding on, to me and the smallest piece of information that could change everything. His pride kept him from sharing everything. He was torn between what he wanted for us and what his plan had been. He wanted to please everyone. And, instead of telling me the issues, he was going to sacrifice everything.

What?

Seriously?

Instead of telling me you’re scared, you’d tell me goodbye?

Unacceptable.

This is a team. We are teammates. We handle all our obstacles together. And, we never, NEVER, let fear be stronger than love.

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12 deal breakers

 

The original article and link are italized, and my thoughts follow below.

He’s not your forever person unless he actually puts effort into these 12 things:

1. He should make an effort to plan dates. He shouldn’t expect you to come up with ideas every weekend. Once in a while, he should take you to a new restaurant or shop that he thinks you’re going to love.

2. He should make an effort to text back. And he should remember to tell you where he is and what he’s doing. It’s the easiest way to build trust. If he’s always open with you, then there’s no reason to doubt what he says.

3. He should make an effort to flirt. I don’t care if you’ve been dating for decades. He should never take your love for granted. He should still try to woo you, even though he already has you.

4. He should make an effort to give you an orgasm. You don’t have to climax every single time you have sex, but you should climax the majority of the time. That means there should be plenty of foreplay and oral.

5. He should make an effort to save his money. If he honestly wants to spend the rest of his life with you, then he has to prepare for the future. He should be resisting the urge to waste all his cash on alcohol and should be working alongside you to save up money for a house.

6. He should make an effort to make you feel like a major part of his life. He should update you on what’s going on at work. He should invite you out with his friends. He should make you feel important.

7. He should make an effort to get along with your friends and family members. He doesn’t have to go on one-on-one brunch dates with your mother, but he should treat everyone you care about with respect. Even if your disapproving father is a little rude to him, it doesn’t mean he should be rude back. He should be trying his best to make a good impression.

8. He should make an effort to come to compromises. If you two disagree on something, there shouldn’t be a big blowout that ends with only one of you getting your way. You should find a solution that benefits you both. Otherwise, the resentment is going to kick in.

9. He should make an effort to cook and clean. You’re not his mother. He shouldn’t rely on you to do all of his chores for him. He should be doing just as much housework as you.

10. He should make an effort to look good. He doesn’t have to wear a suit and tie during every date, just like you don’t have to wear a skintight dress. But he should at least look presentable. He should keep that beard trimmed and wear that underwear that he knows his butt looks amazing in.

11. He should make an effort to keep himself healthy. If he loves you, he’ll take care of himself, so that you two can have a long life together.

12. He should make an effort to make you happy. He should think your smile is the most beautiful thing in the world, and he should aim to see it as often as humanly possible. 

There’s a theme in all of this. “He should make an effort…” Yes! A thousand, million, gazillion times yes! Make a damn effort. Just try. Give it a chance. Hear me. Move in my direction. Please. If you don’t mind.

I can relate. I believe.

1. Plan a date. Take me out. Put forth the effort to show me a good time.

2. COMMUNICATION! I was at a wedding this past weekend, and a member of the groom’s family passed around decorative notecards for guests to write well wishes to the couple. All three cards coming from our table, including the one from me and my date, discussed communication.

Communicate openly. 

Remember to discuss things and don’t demand. 

Communication is key. 

Three different age groups, 3 different relationship types, 3 different experiences, and we all spoke to the same core value. You have to be able to communicate to have a successful relationship.

3. Flirt with me. Make me feel desireable. Whisper in my ear. Eye me up and down. Compliment me. Look me dead in the eye. Touch me gently.

Do all the things you did when we were just dating.

4. Orgasms are important. I vote for orgasms. I campaign for orgasms. I donate to the orgasms cause.

Don’t forget about me sexually. Work to ensure I am satisfied.

If I am putting in effort to make sure you are sexually satisfied, you should be doing the same.

Sexual frustration leads to bad decision making in 100% of people, 100% of the time. IJS

5.  You can’t build an empire with someone who doesn’t value work or money.

Make sure that man in your life has a solid plan to be able to support himself and the family you want to have. A plan that he is working everyday. It doesn’t have to be airtight, but it has to be real and in process.

6. COMMUNICATION…again, because it’s so important.

7. “You have to be a friend to make a friend.” I’ve been telling my son this forever! Treat my crew with respect and kindness. They will welcome you into our squad.

Don’t make things hard, by not putting your best foot forward.

8. Compromise. When I turns to we, the whole game changes. You have to be hyper considerate of how your thoughts and actions effect the other person. It can be exhausting, and it’s easy to feel like it’s impossible for you to win in this situation.

However, with COMMUNICATION, sacrifice, and compromise you can both find a way to be successful and grow your relationship.

However, however, this has to be a 100%/100% effort by both people. Your man has to be willing to compromise, and so do you. Neither of you can half-ass this.

9.  Neat and tidy. He must take care of himself. He must manage his home like an adult.

10. “Looking good.” – Chico and the Man

Any grown man out there should put forth effort to look more than just presentable most of the time.

11, with a little 10 because it’s so important. He pays attention to his health. If he’s not able to prioritize his health and hygiene into his day to day, his priorities are seriously jacked up. IJS. Because he can’t take care of you, if he can’t take care of himself.

12. He makes you a priority. You will NOT always make the top spot on his things to do list, but you should always make the list. You being happy and feeling safe and secure in the relationship should be important to him.

A year ago, I came across this article. I was in a strange relationship space, and struggled to add my fillers. 1, 2, 5, 6, 8 and obviously 12 didn’t quite line up for me. So, the article and my blog sat in limbo.

Recently, I’ve been reviewing my drafts. Finalizing unfinished thoughts. Trying to find and/or create clarity. And, what a difference a year makes.

I’m in a relationship that’s checking way more boxes, and writing this was MUCH easier.

Keep trying. Keep dating. Remain open. Be realistic. Don’t settle.

Fighting the urge…

Fighting the urge to contact him, because I’m his past even though he’s still my present. And, my future would be angry. 

It’s too much. 

I know he’s not good for me. I’ve lived all the chaos and discomfort. I’ve been in the midst of all the disappointment and heartache. I know it will never be better. BUT, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him. And, it doesn’t mean I didn’t want everything to work out like the movies. 

I was waiting for his eureka moment. Maybe, I still kinda am. Umpf.  

The newest new guy wouldn’t be okay with this, and the old guy wouldn’t really care. 

Shit. 

Found this post from 9/25/2017. I started it, but didn’t finish it. I was embarrassed because of it, struggling with, and being suffocated by it. I loved someone who wasn’t willing, capable, or interested in loving me back. 

I mean really loving me, like dangerous levels. 

And, I was hanging on with both hands. I was all in. I was looking for any signs that we were meant to be. I was giving so much of myself it was overwhelming for him. I just wanted him to know that I was the one. 

And, I wanted him to know I was moving on. Because I was, kinda. And, that should be the boost he needed for his eureka moment. Right?

The new guy, was new. I hadn’t invested much. I didn’t know him well. We didn’t have history. We were new. 

It was good, but it might be a hoax. Should I really let go of the chaos I knew for a chaos that I wasn’t sure I wanted? Should I? Really? 

In the end, I straddled the fence. The newest new guy was more chaos than I could handle, and the past needed to stay in the past. 

I learned from both of them. 

And, I walked away knowing that I either wasn’t really ready or wasn’t really committed.

But, I’m not happy. 

This is a hard story to tell. It’s a hard realization to live. 

I’m not happy, but I want to be. 

Is he the one? Or, isn’t he? 

I’d trust my instincts, if they were clear. 

I’m having a hard time. 

We’re having a hard time.

This will either make us…

or break us. 

It’s really simple and kinda complex. All our little problems have come to a head. It’s all the little ticks combining to work our nerves. All the little things have become a big thing, and they’re sucking all the air out of the relationship. 

Neither of us had done a fully committed relationship in a decade. Yep, a decade. There was that guy. He and I were involved, but it wasn’t solid. It wasn’t whole. It didn’t really work. And, he had a few girls. Neither of us have done this though. Not for a minute. Not in a minute. And, we didn’t totally miss it. 

Now, we’re smashed together. We’ve done the meet the family thing. We’ve committed. We’ve stretched ourselves thin for each other. We are in this thing. But, it all happened so fast. 

How did I go from a single mom to a girlfriend, future fiancé, one day wife, and hugging his family members in .002 seconds? What happened? When did it happen?

Why can’t I catch my breath?

What are we doing?

I felt like my identity was fading. I was signing up for things that were bigger than I could fathom. I was being sucked up in this relationship machine. I needed to escape. I was overwhelmed. 

I wasn’t happy. 

I needed to hit the pause button. I need to stop this and find myself in it. I had lost my voice. I was  just doing what I was supposed to do. I was getting drug along.

It wasn’t his intention. He hadn’t compromised in a decade. He has a strong personality. He was doing so many perfect relationship things. He was handing business. If I didn’t speak loud enough, his commanding presence just rolled right over me. 

I stopped talking. I stopped trying. I stopped being in the relationship. I started emotionally connecting elsewhere. I was shutting him out. I wasn’t happy. He couldn’t figure it out, because I wasn’t letting him in.

We’re in a tough space. We’re struggling. This is so hard. 

We aren’t happy. 

So, we are both living in this gray space. Neither of us is certain if we want to stay the course or cut and run. We aren’t done, but we aren’t convinced we should keep going. 

Damned if we do. 

Damned if we don’t. 

Exhausted. 

We are still figuring it out. 

How are we gonna survive in each other’s lives? How will we appreciate each other? How will we both win?

It’s more than just casual. We are figuring it out. 

My struggle is that just because I got a lot of things I didn’t know I wanted, doesn’t mean I have to ignore all the things that were important to me that I didn’t get. 

I have this man who supplies me with incredible attention. He’s considerate. He’s kind. He’s totally engaged in the success of our relationship. 

But, we still struggle with communication. We’re still figuring it out. I shut down when things are rough. I’m currently shut down. And, I know it isn’t productive. I know it breeds confusion. But, I don’t want to create chaos with a highly emotional response. 

This is a relationship. It’s all highly emotional, right?

He’s stuck trying to figure me out. He’s deciphering my mixed signals. I’m deciding if this is the other shoe. Should I just cut and run? Sheesh. We can be so exhausting. 

His struggle is probably that he was totally single before me, my kid, and our dog busted into his life. He isn’t used to being this considerate of this many extra people. He’s figuring out how to live amongst us. How to love me? How to befriend my son? How to win over the dog? How to not get lost in the madness he didn’t realize he was signing up for. 

“Ok get ya kids, but then they got their friends. I pulled up in the Benz. They all got up in.” – Kanye West

And, I knew what I wanted. I had a mental list. There are so many boxes left unchecked that weren’t as important as I’d thought. But, there are some serious boxes that must get checked for me to be happy…for us all to function. 

The honeymoon is over, and we are still going. We’re still working. We are still figuring this shit out. I didn’t run away. And, I didn’t run back to the past. I think this guy might be the one. 

Side note: I had to change the title of this. I wrote on it for weeks, and I couldn’t get the message right. Then I changed directions. It organically told the story I was trying to tell when I stopped beating my head against a brick wall. 

This shouldn’t be complicated. 

I only want two things. I want someone to believe in me, and I want someone to fight for me. That’s it. It’s that simple. 

My last two relationships blew up in my face. They were both men that promised me something they couldn’t commit to. I was hurt. I tried so hard, and I remained their friends. I’m supportive. I cheer for them. I want the best for them. I know it will never progress. 

I fought for them. I loved them. I sacrificed for them. I would bend nearly in half. I was in. Both times. And, it didn’t work. They couldn’t, or wouldn’t, come through for me consistently. They were both so broken, and I was ill equipped to fix them. 

And, I gave up. After minutes, months, and years of doing my part, I gave up. Do you know how hard it is to walk away from someone who tells you they love you? It’s devestating. Because if you’d said that you didn’t love me it would all make sense. 

I tried. I know I tried.