You shouldn’t have to stay somewhere that you aren’t wanted.

This is for everyone. Both sides. The victim and the victimized…because perception is everything.

I was speaking with a co-worker about the current royal family’s woes. And, we concluded that if your wants and needs aren’t being met, you should be free to leave. Right? Right?

My relationship ended. Hard ending. Unfollowed on social media ended. How am I feeling? Devastated. Hurt. Exhausted. Set free. All of those. Each of them twice, or three times.

He stopped pursuing me. He didn’t want to do this anymore. He made a decision. I knew this. I saw it. I lived it, but when I questioned it he told me It wasn’t true. He was making me feel crazy, frantic, insecure, and like an investigative reporter. And, I always say that when it starts to feel like work and not progress, it’s already over. But I couldn’t really see myself pulling the plug. It seemed too final. Because I cared so much about him, and believed so strong in the future he’d described.

Sometimes it’s just not meant to be.

Happy that it’s done. Happy the bandage has been ripped off, and the wound has an opportunity to heal.

Hopeful that the next one, is the real one, and he and I can eventually be friends…friendly.

Where’s your place?

Sometime late September…

Spent a number of days with the guy. Yep, the guy. Yep, it was over. Yep, we’re kinda trying. Yep, I’m not totally optimistic.

During our trek through 2 airports 2 different times, 3 time zones 2 different times, a hotel, a family’s home, 2 events, 2 marijuana dispensaries #forafriend, a pier, 2 malls, a beach…kinda, and ALL the LA traffic, I quickly realized I was walking behind him MOST of the time.

Most. Of. The. Time.

I was behind him most of the time. He left me walking behind him to a point of cutting in front of me to keep me in my place.

I’ve memorized his stroll. He walks on the outsides of his feet. Shorter stride to be so tall with long legs. Swings his arm similar to Shaggy from Scobby Do. Not as pronounced, but just as wide.

At the airport, I juggled my bags. Ended up with my purse, my carryon, my luggage, and almost myself spread out across the concrete sidewalk. He didn’t notice. He was too far ahead. Thankful for the kindness of strangers. An older gentleman helped me gather my things, ensured I was okay, and patted me on the back and smiled.

Thank you sir. Maybe I’m looking for your chivalry. It’s not dead, but you’re one of the last ones that’s got it.

And, the communication was lack luster. Mostly nonexistent. He only told me what he thought I needed to know. He left me in the dark often.

I didn’t fully realize this was happening until now. Realized yes, but not as bothered as now. This is major.

I expect the man I’m with to make a place for me, not expect me to fall in place.

I expect that if you invite me, you want me there. It’s okay though. Eventually, I’m gonna learn this lesson.

I don’t know, but I’m okay figuring it out.

It’s been a minute. If you know me, REALLY know me, you know that it’s usually because I’m making questionable choices. Seriously.

Basically, I’m at an emotional fork in the road.

Right before my last failure of a relationship, I’d just become super comfortable single. Seriously. I was dating freely with little to no expectations. I’d finally let go of the need to be committed. I was enjoying this chapter, or moment, of life. There was peace in my willingness to accept the right someone, but not needing anyone.

So, when I met the last guy, I was open.

Believing in God’s divine ability, I felt this must be the right relationship because of the acceptance that came before it. Isn’t that how it works? The moment you find peace and appreciate what you have, God gifts you what you’d been wanting. Right?

I went all in. And, it’s been a challenge.

I don’t want to rehash every moment, but admittedly I let A LOT of deal breaker shit go. I gave numerous chances with few results. I stayed frustrated. I ultimately got to the point of announcing I am NOT the woman for him because he’s not trying to keep me.

Meaning: You work hard for the person you want in your life. You make sacrifices. You are considerate and compassionate. You learn them, their needs and desires. You make room for them in your life.

I kept thinking that at this stage of life, I had to do this. I had to make this work.

There was love. There was a commitment. There were perfect family bonds. There was travel and adventures. There were laughs and love. There was a potential for a family and stability.

There wasn’t trust and respect. It wasn’t a partnership. I wasn’t in a partnership. He was so protective of himself, his money, his feelings, and his needs and desires that he could barely even see me.

And, I stayed.

He told me it was gonna be better. He promised there would be changes.

Short lived, at best.

And, I left…and I went back.

His focus on our issues needed to be bigger than his selfishness. That’s why I’m not the right girl. He will change for the right girl, because he loves her, because he doesn’t want to lose her, or because the timing will be right. Not me, because I’m not her.

And, it won’t just sound right. It will be right for me.

So, I’m single. AND, I have no idea what the future holds. I don’t know if I’ll again re-travel a road? Never causing unnecessary fires and burning necessary bridges. If I’ll do the single girl thing for a while? Or, if I’ll go and meet a new amazing guy to creat a whole new “#” for?

I don’t know, but I’m okay figuring it out.

And, I believe different from before. God was showing me more. I’d lowered my standards. Went through a rough relationship and begun thinking I was worth less…for a long time.

This was to show me my value. I got so much from this relationship that ignited this realization of what I should get from ALL relationships. It taught me so much.

Again, God used this lesson to position me in a place to receive something greater.

Both of us, I’m sure…in our own ways.

Why I went back…

06/30

I never planned to go back.

I may have even said I’d never go back.

Never say never.

I did go back, though. I went back because emotionally I wasn’t done.

He wasn’t done. He fought for me. He pulled me back. And, I allowed it. I wasn’t kicking. I wasn’t screaming. I was guarded. I am guarded. But, if it crashes and burns. I have no regrets. I have no doubts. I leave confident. It will be the final goodbye.

And, that was the agreement. If we go all in again, and it doesn’t work, we walk away. No friends. No communication. Nothing lingers. It’s done.

But, we have to go all in. We have to try. I have to try. I can be guarded, but I have to try.

Sheesh.

Okay.

07/23

I went back to realize that I shouldn’t stay.

Fool me once…Fool me twice

Fool me once, shame on you. But, fool me twice and shame on me.

That resonated with me this week as I found my voice and officially left the chaos of my last relationship.

I tried to do everything right in this relationship. I gave over control when he was uncomfortable. I tucked away my own needs when they weren’t acknowledged. I listened. I behaved. I let go of everything that bothered me, to guarantee peace in the relationship.

I thought this would pay off. I thought it would get me everything I thought I wanted. Surely, this would get me down the isle and determine if more babies came into my life. I just had to do everything right. Silence my concerns. Mute my feelings. This can work.

I didn’t last. I felt smothered. I couldn’t breathe. So, I spoke up. I asked for what I needed. Continuing to try my best to maintain the sacrifices I’d committed to. I did my part. And, he agreed. He said yes. And, I continued. I wanted the marriage less, and I questioned the babies more. But, I’d committed. So, although I voiced my concerns, I didn’t say no.

Nothing changed. Nothing.

But, I stayed. I taught him that he didn’t have to respect my feelings. I taught him that I would give without demanding anything. I taught him that respecting me was negotiable.

I didn’t realize it, though. I thought we were on the right track. I just had to stick it out. The change was on the horizon.

We broke up. I put my foot down. Nothing changed. And, one day I realized that this was as good as it would get. I’d taught him that I was a joke. He’d fooled me again and again, and I had no one to blame but myself.

And, this was overwhelming. He’s a good guy. He’s a nice guy. He doesn’t mean any harm. But, he’s not my guy. Because my guy would have heard me. He would have changed what needed to be change. Or, he would have tried. I’d feel safe. I’d feel loved. I’d be happy, more than not. But, I don’t.

I feel ignored. I feel disrespected. I feel disregarded. I feel sad and hurt. I feel very lost at the end of this relationship, but I also feel very free.

Fool me one time, shame on you

Fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you

Fool me three times, fuck the peace sign

Load the chopper, let it rain on you

-No Role Modelz

J. Cole

I just want to be happy.

I just want to be happy.

I subscribe to the religion of happiness.

Happiness above all else.

Relax and be happy.

I’ve spent the last year breaking up with someone. A year before that, I spent three years with someone pushing me away.

It’s been a long five years. A really REALLY long five years. And, I’m exhausted. Wiped out. Over it.

I just want to be happy, find love, and live my best life.

And, I’m separating my happiness from love. They aren’t tied to one another. I know.

I know.

It’s just that love seems to keep screwing up my happiness. Hard to separate something that won’t separate.

IJS

Can you give in to what’s happening?

I had a conversation with the ex, the other day, about what tore us apart.

Long story short, you could’ve had everything if you just gave up some control and submitted to what was happening between us.

Instead you controlled everything. You micromanaged everything. You refused to let your guard down enough to trust my intentions. You held your feelings in so tightly I couldn’t fit in your life.

And, I couldn’t do this any longer.

So here’s my unsolicited advice, go for it in the next relationship. Experience the journey. This will be life changing. Relationships are designed to change us. We grow from our experience.

My last relationship, before the last relationship, was emotional chaos. I spent so much time trying to figure out what just happened, what was happening, or what was going to happen I often struggled to enjoy the moment. It was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, and wandering where we were headed. It was exhausting.

It launched this blog.

I had to get out of my own head. He was an emotional rollercoaster, disrespect and disregard where the norms. I stuck it out for way too long.

He taught me a lot though. I am a different person because of what that relationship showed me about myself, what I’m willing to accept, and what my wants and needs are.

I don’t regret it. I appreciate the journey. There were good times, and although the rough times caused me to bend, nothing in our relationship caused me to break.

He was a part of the journey. I submitted to the journey, and I’m better for it.

The short of the long is take the journey. Enjoy the moments. Put your guard down. Feel the feelings. Lose control.

Nothing is promised to us. This could all be over in the blink of an eye. Just have the experience and learn the lesson. It’s all a part of your journey.

Key word today was journey. I overused it 6 times. 🤷🏾‍♀️😏

New Year

I notoriously say, I don’t make resolutions, I make decisions.

Some things never change. And this year, I’m making the decision to take care of myself. Like really take care of myself. I’m putting myself at the top of my priority list. And, I’m focusing on the things that make me truly and genuinely happy.

1. I love being Blaise’s mom. Love. But, motherhood is hard. It’s so incredibly hard. And, I pray over my role as a mother every single day. I just want to give motherhood more of my time. I want to be present for my son more. I want to realign MY priorities.

2. I want to be healthier. I started to figure out this healthier lifestyle stuff last year. I started moving in the right direction, but I struggled making a full commitment. I wanted to have it both ways, and that’s not realistic. I’m taking care of MY health and MY body.

3. I have some major plans, and my finances need adjustments to ensure that’s all possible. Major adjustments. Like a reintroduction to what it means to save. So, I’m reading and researching everything I can find to educate myself. I’m budgeting. I’m figuring it out. I’m taking control of MY finances.

Ultimately, I want to take ownership of my life. I want to be a more committed and confident mother. I want to balance my finances. I want to take control of my health. I want to be happy, for real.

I want 2018 to have ALL the follow up that these other years intended.

Easy enough, right?

Communication

C. O. M. M. U. N. I. C. A. T. I. O. N.

Had a hiccup in my relationship recently. I’m using the word hiccup to mean epic disaster that almost ended everything.

Yep. Hiccup.

Basically we had another communication failure. It’s kinda our thing. We’re two independent and head strong individuals trying to learn how to function as a team. We are both better at individual sports than team events. We don’t even do relays.

It’s tough.

Yesterday was the final straw though, for me. It was just too reminiscent of the obstacles I thought we’d gotten past. It was too dangerously familiar. I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t do it all, again. I was ready to cut and run.

He was holding on, to me and the smallest piece of information that could change everything. His pride kept him from sharing everything. He was torn between what he wanted for us and what his plan had been. He wanted to please everyone. And, instead of telling me the issues, he was going to sacrifice everything.

What?

Seriously?

Instead of telling me you’re scared, you’d tell me goodbye?

Unacceptable.

This is a team. We are teammates. We handle all our obstacles together. And, we never, NEVER, let fear be stronger than love.

12 deal breakers

 

The original article and link are italized, and my thoughts follow below.

He’s not your forever person unless he actually puts effort into these 12 things:

1. He should make an effort to plan dates. He shouldn’t expect you to come up with ideas every weekend. Once in a while, he should take you to a new restaurant or shop that he thinks you’re going to love.

2. He should make an effort to text back. And he should remember to tell you where he is and what he’s doing. It’s the easiest way to build trust. If he’s always open with you, then there’s no reason to doubt what he says.

3. He should make an effort to flirt. I don’t care if you’ve been dating for decades. He should never take your love for granted. He should still try to woo you, even though he already has you.

4. He should make an effort to give you an orgasm. You don’t have to climax every single time you have sex, but you should climax the majority of the time. That means there should be plenty of foreplay and oral.

5. He should make an effort to save his money. If he honestly wants to spend the rest of his life with you, then he has to prepare for the future. He should be resisting the urge to waste all his cash on alcohol and should be working alongside you to save up money for a house.

6. He should make an effort to make you feel like a major part of his life. He should update you on what’s going on at work. He should invite you out with his friends. He should make you feel important.

7. He should make an effort to get along with your friends and family members. He doesn’t have to go on one-on-one brunch dates with your mother, but he should treat everyone you care about with respect. Even if your disapproving father is a little rude to him, it doesn’t mean he should be rude back. He should be trying his best to make a good impression.

8. He should make an effort to come to compromises. If you two disagree on something, there shouldn’t be a big blowout that ends with only one of you getting your way. You should find a solution that benefits you both. Otherwise, the resentment is going to kick in.

9. He should make an effort to cook and clean. You’re not his mother. He shouldn’t rely on you to do all of his chores for him. He should be doing just as much housework as you.

10. He should make an effort to look good. He doesn’t have to wear a suit and tie during every date, just like you don’t have to wear a skintight dress. But he should at least look presentable. He should keep that beard trimmed and wear that underwear that he knows his butt looks amazing in.

11. He should make an effort to keep himself healthy. If he loves you, he’ll take care of himself, so that you two can have a long life together.

12. He should make an effort to make you happy. He should think your smile is the most beautiful thing in the world, and he should aim to see it as often as humanly possible. 

There’s a theme in all of this. “He should make an effort…” Yes! A thousand, million, gazillion times yes! Make a damn effort. Just try. Give it a chance. Hear me. Move in my direction. Please. If you don’t mind.

I can relate. I believe.

1. Plan a date. Take me out. Put forth the effort to show me a good time.

2. COMMUNICATION! I was at a wedding this past weekend, and a member of the groom’s family passed around decorative notecards for guests to write well wishes to the couple. All three cards coming from our table, including the one from me and my date, discussed communication.

Communicate openly. 

Remember to discuss things and don’t demand. 

Communication is key. 

Three different age groups, 3 different relationship types, 3 different experiences, and we all spoke to the same core value. You have to be able to communicate to have a successful relationship.

3. Flirt with me. Make me feel desireable. Whisper in my ear. Eye me up and down. Compliment me. Look me dead in the eye. Touch me gently.

Do all the things you did when we were just dating.

4. Orgasms are important. I vote for orgasms. I campaign for orgasms. I donate to the orgasms cause.

Don’t forget about me sexually. Work to ensure I am satisfied.

If I am putting in effort to make sure you are sexually satisfied, you should be doing the same.

Sexual frustration leads to bad decision making in 100% of people, 100% of the time. IJS

5.  You can’t build an empire with someone who doesn’t value work or money.

Make sure that man in your life has a solid plan to be able to support himself and the family you want to have. A plan that he is working everyday. It doesn’t have to be airtight, but it has to be real and in process.

6. COMMUNICATION…again, because it’s so important.

7. “You have to be a friend to make a friend.” I’ve been telling my son this forever! Treat my crew with respect and kindness. They will welcome you into our squad.

Don’t make things hard, by not putting your best foot forward.

8. Compromise. When I turns to we, the whole game changes. You have to be hyper considerate of how your thoughts and actions effect the other person. It can be exhausting, and it’s easy to feel like it’s impossible for you to win in this situation.

However, with COMMUNICATION, sacrifice, and compromise you can both find a way to be successful and grow your relationship.

However, however, this has to be a 100%/100% effort by both people. Your man has to be willing to compromise, and so do you. Neither of you can half-ass this.

9.  Neat and tidy. He must take care of himself. He must manage his home like an adult.

10. “Looking good.” – Chico and the Man

Any grown man out there should put forth effort to look more than just presentable most of the time.

11, with a little 10 because it’s so important. He pays attention to his health. If he’s not able to prioritize his health and hygiene into his day to day, his priorities are seriously jacked up. IJS. Because he can’t take care of you, if he can’t take care of himself.

12. He makes you a priority. You will NOT always make the top spot on his things to do list, but you should always make the list. You being happy and feeling safe and secure in the relationship should be important to him.

A year ago, I came across this article. I was in a strange relationship space, and struggled to add my fillers. 1, 2, 5, 6, 8 and obviously 12 didn’t quite line up for me. So, the article and my blog sat in limbo.

Recently, I’ve been reviewing my drafts. Finalizing unfinished thoughts. Trying to find and/or create clarity. And, what a difference a year makes.

I’m in a relationship that’s checking way more boxes, and writing this was MUCH easier.

Keep trying. Keep dating. Remain open. Be realistic. Don’t settle.