I am all those things.

06/13/2014

I am self conscious. I’m unsure. I’m scared. I’m horribly imperfect. I’m not in the right body. I’m not in the right head space. I’m terrified to end up alone. I feel unappreciated.

You can’t tell me anything about me, I’m living it.

“Here — tell these people something they dont know about me.” -Eminem 8 Mile

09/08/2019

There’s a part of reading this initial post that makes me really sad. I hate to think that I had that much negative shit to say about myself.

BUT, I get me.

These things are all still true. I’m sitting here rocking my baby in a t-shirt and my undies, committing to toning up my legs and core, losing weight everywhere, and strengthening my skincare regimen…maybe. I gotta get this shit under control.

I’m dating, but it’s new. Neither shoe has dropped, but I’m super cautious. Because, I believe all that stuff about myself, 100%, and I have a newborn to add to the list of red flags. I mean I don’t date guys with young children. Too much potential drama. Layer that on to thunder thighs and lingering post pregnancy acne, and I’m left wondering what the hell he’s doing pursuing me.

But, I get me. I KNOW me.

No one can attack me. I am my own worst critic. I’ve already analyzed the hell out of me. You can’t tell me anything I don’t already know.

The flip side to this imperfect body is that it brought two amazing boys into this world, thirteen years apart.

I support the people I love. I stand in the trenches unafraid, even when I’m feeling unappreciated.

My headspace is contingent on what’s happening around me. That’s fine. I can handle the ups and downs.

And although I am terrified to be alone forever, I can if I gotta. Single is a really comfortable place for me. Plus, I’m dating anyway. He likes me, genuinely, and I like him. And, if it crashes and burns, I’ll blog about it and move on.

Side note: I’ve decided to start trying to complete some of my many MANY unfinished blog entries.

This is the oldest draft I had. I started it shortly after I started this blog. I’m sure it came after a difficult moment dealing with the second Chris, and I was feeling both ready to fight and ready to cry.

Because, I’d probably just realized there was competition. She was thinner, with long legs, and a much tighter waist. And, she was a local to my almost two hour trek. They’d known each other longer. Despite their drama and insanity, he was invested. And, although I brought a ton of quality shit to the table, I couldn’t compete with those things. Those were big things.

In the end, neither of us ended up with him. We spent what I can only assume were, at least, months in competition, teetering back and forth between winning and losing. And, it was never worth the work or chaos. I decided not to ever again be in that situation. Dating competitions typically don’t produce a real winner, anyway.

And, never to judge myself against someone else’s scale. I’m a damn catch, with my intentional and unintentional curves and extra baby softness.

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The Golden Rule

This resonates with me in such a major way. I mean slap my church fan on the back of the pew in front of me, while waving my other hand, and yelling “preach”! I feel this.

Every time I’ve been disappointed, but let it go, it chipped away at my feelings for him. (Lots of hims, not just the last one.) He (They) thought I let it go, I was so understanding, I cut him (them) a break, and he (they) appreciated it. I was becoming more and more the best girlfriend. He (they) thought this was the epitome of love.

While I was simply done and waiting for the perfect opportunity to walk away. I couldn’t jump stupid on him, I need that energy to continue to devise my master plan. I was getting out, and I wouldn’t be looking back. Don’t try to stop me, my mind is made up.

Because it’s true that when I’m fighting, it’s passion. You still have me. You still have a chance. We could still make it. When I start saying “okay,” I’m done. I am a lost cause. You’ve pushed me so far away, I decided it wasn’t worth the walk back. I’ve struck out on a whole new path.

It all comes back to the most simplistic rule, Golden. Treat people the way you want to be treated. (I know that’s not the original, but I couldn’t remember all the biblical language and in the proper order.)

Moral of the story: Once a woman stops loving you, the way that only a woman that’s in love with you can, it’s done. We give a thousand chances. Don’t waste them. Grow up. Value what you have. Nurture her and the relationship. See how it grows and develops and how you grow and develop from it.

Or don’t. I’m no expert. I’m just telling it the way I’ve seen it.

Genuinely, Happily, Single

“There are people who are genuinely happy to be single, because past relationships were extremely exhausting!” -dearladyann

It’s me. I’m people. “There is Leandrea who is genuinely happy to be single…”

I would certainly describe my last few relationships as exhausting, among other choice words. And, they pushed me to a place I’d rather not go again for awhile.

That’s okay. I’m acknowledging that I’m gun shy, and I need a break. A long break of singledom. A long break of rest. I’ve earned this. I deserve this. I need this.

I wish I could bounce back in a way that made the past seem trivial. I’d like to believe I’m strong enough to just move on. Because long term was my goal, and single forever isn’t my plan. But, I barely escaped with my sanity. I bent totally in half, but I didn’t break. And, I need to recuperate.

This is the opportunity to renew myself mentally and emotionally. Heal from the trauma. Re-establish my needs, wants, and desires. And, date freely and have fun.

Low expectations. No expectations. Impressing me is necessary to move forward.

Newborn and giving up.

6/22 I’m writing this with my newborn son on my shoulder. It’s been one week, two hours, and seventeen minutes of me being a mom of two. He’s perfect, and I’m faking normalcy.

7/27 My baby is now 6 weeks and 1 day. We’re side by side in the backseat of a car. We took a mini vacation to Memphis. It was challenging. It was an adventure. We’re in the last hour of the drive, he’s tired of the car seat, he wonders why I’m not taking him out of it, and I’m typing this with one hand while I hold his pacifier with the other.

But, he’s absolutely perfect. He’s happy and curious most of the time, but he screams his head off when he’s hungry. And, he expects his pacifier to be available 100% of the time. Doesn’t matter if he wants it. He wants it to be available. We have 6 pacifiers. He’s training me well. Again, I’m holding his pacifier in his mouth this moment.

I’m madly in love. I’m mother to 2 beautiful boys, 13 years apart, and almost identical twins. My heart is full. I can barely contain my happiness, even during 3A feedings and poop filled diapers. Life is good. I’m very blessed.

I can’t seem to wrap my mind around what’s happened in the last year. The break up. The pregnancy. The baby. Nothing was part of the plan. I give up.

And, I don’t give up in a negative way. I give up making decisions regarding love. I give up being sure of anything. Because my happiest moments were being single and open to whatever happened. I was free.

Right now, I don’t want to be a wife, or a fiancé, or a girlfriend. I just want to have a few dates, eventually. I just want a handful of compliments and a few conversations a week. It’s easy, and it lacks decisions.

I don’t know, but I’m okay figuring it out.

It’s been a minute. If you know me, REALLY know me, you know that it’s usually because I’m making questionable choices. Seriously.

Basically, I’m at an emotional fork in the road.

Right before my last failure of a relationship, I’d just become super comfortable single. Seriously. I was dating freely with little to no expectations. I’d finally let go of the need to be committed. I was enjoying this chapter, or moment, of life. There was peace in my willingness to accept the right someone, but not needing anyone.

So, when I met the last guy, I was open.

Believing in God’s divine ability, I felt this must be the right relationship because of the acceptance that came before it. Isn’t that how it works? The moment you find peace and appreciate what you have, God gifts you what you’d been wanting. Right?

I went all in. And, it’s been a challenge.

I don’t want to rehash every moment, but admittedly I let A LOT of deal breaker shit go. I gave numerous chances with few results. I stayed frustrated. I ultimately got to the point of announcing I am NOT the woman for him because he’s not trying to keep me.

Meaning: You work hard for the person you want in your life. You make sacrifices. You are considerate and compassionate. You learn them, their needs and desires. You make room for them in your life.

I kept thinking that at this stage of life, I had to do this. I had to make this work.

There was love. There was a commitment. There were perfect family bonds. There was travel and adventures. There were laughs and love. There was a potential for a family and stability.

There wasn’t trust and respect. It wasn’t a partnership. I wasn’t in a partnership. He was so protective of himself, his money, his feelings, and his needs and desires that he could barely even see me.

And, I stayed.

He told me it was gonna be better. He promised there would be changes.

Short lived, at best.

And, I left…and I went back.

His focus on our issues needed to be bigger than his selfishness. That’s why I’m not the right girl. He will change for the right girl, because he loves her, because he doesn’t want to lose her, or because the timing will be right. Not me, because I’m not her.

And, it won’t just sound right. It will be right for me.

So, I’m single. AND, I have no idea what the future holds. I don’t know if I’ll again re-travel a road? Never causing unnecessary fires and burning necessary bridges. If I’ll do the single girl thing for a while? Or, if I’ll go and meet a new amazing guy to creat a whole new “#” for?

I don’t know, but I’m okay figuring it out.

And, I believe different from before. God was showing me more. I’d lowered my standards. Went through a rough relationship and begun thinking I was worth less…for a long time.

This was to show me my value. I got so much from this relationship that ignited this realization of what I should get from ALL relationships. It taught me so much.

Again, God used this lesson to position me in a place to receive something greater.

Both of us, I’m sure…in our own ways.

Why I went back…

06/30

I never planned to go back.

I may have even said I’d never go back.

Never say never.

I did go back, though. I went back because emotionally I wasn’t done.

He wasn’t done. He fought for me. He pulled me back. And, I allowed it. I wasn’t kicking. I wasn’t screaming. I was guarded. I am guarded. But, if it crashes and burns. I have no regrets. I have no doubts. I leave confident. It will be the final goodbye.

And, that was the agreement. If we go all in again, and it doesn’t work, we walk away. No friends. No communication. Nothing lingers. It’s done.

But, we have to go all in. We have to try. I have to try. I can be guarded, but I have to try.

Sheesh.

Okay.

07/23

I went back to realize that I shouldn’t stay.

Fool me once…Fool me twice

Fool me once, shame on you. But, fool me twice and shame on me.

That resonated with me this week as I found my voice and officially left the chaos of my last relationship.

I tried to do everything right in this relationship. I gave over control when he was uncomfortable. I tucked away my own needs when they weren’t acknowledged. I listened. I behaved. I let go of everything that bothered me, to guarantee peace in the relationship.

I thought this would pay off. I thought it would get me everything I thought I wanted. Surely, this would get me down the isle and determine if more babies came into my life. I just had to do everything right. Silence my concerns. Mute my feelings. This can work.

I didn’t last. I felt smothered. I couldn’t breathe. So, I spoke up. I asked for what I needed. Continuing to try my best to maintain the sacrifices I’d committed to. I did my part. And, he agreed. He said yes. And, I continued. I wanted the marriage less, and I questioned the babies more. But, I’d committed. So, although I voiced my concerns, I didn’t say no.

Nothing changed. Nothing.

But, I stayed. I taught him that he didn’t have to respect my feelings. I taught him that I would give without demanding anything. I taught him that respecting me was negotiable.

I didn’t realize it, though. I thought we were on the right track. I just had to stick it out. The change was on the horizon.

We broke up. I put my foot down. Nothing changed. And, one day I realized that this was as good as it would get. I’d taught him that I was a joke. He’d fooled me again and again, and I had no one to blame but myself.

And, this was overwhelming. He’s a good guy. He’s a nice guy. He doesn’t mean any harm. But, he’s not my guy. Because my guy would have heard me. He would have changed what needed to be change. Or, he would have tried. I’d feel safe. I’d feel loved. I’d be happy, more than not. But, I don’t.

I feel ignored. I feel disrespected. I feel disregarded. I feel sad and hurt. I feel very lost at the end of this relationship, but I also feel very free.

Fool me one time, shame on you

Fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you

Fool me three times, fuck the peace sign

Load the chopper, let it rain on you

-No Role Modelz

J. Cole