I haven’t been spontaneous since 2004. 

I am not spontaneous. Seriously, I’m not. I don’t absolutely hate surprises or spontaneity. They just don’t really fit in my life, and haven’t since 2004. Because I found out I was pregnant in January of 2005, and it’s been downhill since. 

I’m a mom, a daughter, a sister, all while having a full-time job, a business, this blog, and social and community responsibilities. I am busy. I feel like I say that all the time. 

I am juggling a lot of balls. As many as many others, I know. But, I’m just talking about me. 

So if we make plans, there’s a lot I have to do behind the scenes of that “yes”. I have to make sure my son is taken care of. I have to coordinate with someone else’s schedule, ask them nicely, and hope they say yes with no strings attached. I have to make sure he has everything he needs for that timeframe and any other timeframe it may impact. (If it’s a school night, did he get his homework done, have dinner, get his bath, brush his teeth, take his medicine, feed his fish, put everything away, get his schoolwork and backpack ready for the next day, pick out his clothes, pack his lunch, get his snack, say prayers, and get to bed at a reasonable hour. It’s not the responsibility of the person who agreed to help me to do ALL of that. He’s my son.) 

Can I leave after he goes to bed? When you’ve showcased yourself as single to your child his entire life, leaving him to spend a few hours “with some stranger” can be difficult to process…right before bedtime. 

I need to coordinate my work schedule. For me to have a late dinner and movie with you, I need to ensure I’m not going to be the closer at my retail job and miss any time with my son that evening. I need to go home and wrangle stuff, get things for both of us done, and ensure that I’m ready to see you. Plus I want to go ahead and have my shower, to keep from disrupting the house when I make it in. And because work attire and date attire are different, I have to put a lot of work into looking like I put in little effort. 

If I have to leave town for you or with you, I need to do all that times 1000.  Is my son staying with one of my parents or going to his dad’s for the weekend? Is my work schedule covered? Have I made any commitments to my friends, family, or social contacts that need to be changed? Is there anything I’m forgetting? Wait…who’s going to feed the fish?

There’s no room for spontaneity in this phase of my life. 

There’s also no room for missed plans or shitty excuses. If we make plans, and I do all of those things, you flaking in the 11th hour is unacceptable. It’s also inexcusable unless you’ve had some emergency situation or work thing that couldn’t be altered. 

And, it’s disrespectful. Because if my only responsibility in life was to sit still and wait for your attention, that’s funny to even type, it’s only courteous to follow through with what you have agreed too. It’s basic. It’s one of the things we were taught in grade school, at church, and at home. Honor your commitments. Respect other people’s time. Be a man or woman of your word. Integrity. Respect. Grown folks shit! 

Because, we are grown people. We know how to interact and engage with one another. We know how to do what’s right. Especially…ESPECIALLY, when you want to date me, sleep with me, and possibly give me your last name some day. 

And if you happen to screw this up, human nature and shit happens, apologize. Just apologize. Sincerely, apologize. Tell me the minute you know, try to lessen the impact, fix what you can, and apologize. Acknowledge the gazillion things I had to do to make myself available to you, the other people who were involved, and my hurt feelings. Own that you just messed up. Stand up like a grown up and accept responsibility, and NEVER let it happen again. 

I know emergency situations arise. I know, and this is separate from that. If you have an emergency or work thing out of left field, I get it. And if I get upset, I’m unreasonable. I would owe the apology. But only for the unforeseen, not the oops I forgot. 

I hope this provides some clarity to the man I went left on, the man I should have gone left on, and anyone else who’s immature shit isn’t recent enough to recognize.

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Jacob Blaise

  

Has it really been 10 years?

This is the most important man (-child) in my life. 

My son is 10 years old today! We have learned from each other, and this has been the most incredible journey of my life. I love this kid. He is compassionate, intelligent, silly, and genuine. He’s sarcastic and funny. He’s sweet and kind. 

He has my whole heart, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 
Wishing Blaise the best, happiest, and most fulfilling birthday, AND LIFE!!!

All my love, MOM

  

And yep, this is only about 2-3 months worth of selfies. I might just have a problem…

I’m in my 30s. Really in them.

It’s my birthday, a couple days past. Yep. I’m another year older. Hello 34. Do me right.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other night. Thanks Kels. And, we were talking about dating in our 30s. It’s different. It’s definitely different…for us.

Our priorities have changed. We bend, but we don’t break. We make sacrifices and honor our loved ones. We do the hard stuff now. The game changed.

I was a different person in my 20s. I was very self serving. I was focused on me. I thought I knew what I wanted, had trouble figuring out how to get it, but I thought I knew. I didn’t.

I had some unattainable dreams and goals. Thought the world was going to make a place for me. No more. I’m figuring it out, but I’ve stopped the dreaming and started the work.

You can’t date me haphazardly. You can’t just see what comes. You need to be intentional and honest. You need to do the work.

Let’s cut to the chase. I’m dating to marry. I’m dating for a family and longevity. I want to know where this is ultimately going. I’m not laying it all on the table at the first meeting, but it’s the route I’m going. What are your intentions? What’s your plan, pal?

In my 20s, I would fake a lot interest for feelings sake. I laughed at dumb jokes, and pretended to be interested in things I could care less about. Not anymore. You must earn my interest. Let’s discuss real topics, debate a little, and even agree to disagree.

I’ve said this all before, I’m sure, but I haven’t done well about living it. But in my 30s, I’d rather be upset and disappointed for a few days than live in it with anyone for a lifetime.

There’s no more wishes and big plans. I am who I am. I’m not selling who I hope to be one day. There aren’t any conversations about what I plan to be when I grow up or who I want to be. I am her. I’m fine tuning her, but my personality and views are pretty well established.

I’m demanding. I’m demanding you to say what you need to say and do what you need to do 100% of the time. I am practicing that, even when it seems impossible. You need to do the same.

Show up. Speak your mind. And know, that tomorrow is not promised. I’m not promised. In my 30s, I’m not leaving my choices up to hopefulness. Do the work.

Someone needed to hear this. I hope you figure it out. But if you don’t, I hope you are comfortable in the bed you made.

Mom v. Man

Separate your family and relationship if needed.

The last man I dated that I introduced to my mother was my son’s father. My son will be 8 this September.

Tisk. Tisk? Nah.

My mother and I don’t have a sharing sort of relationship. Who I’m dating isn’t something I’m willing to share with her. I don’t need validation from her on my relationship. If it grows to a point that I need to introduce them I will. I’m not afraid. I’m cautious. I don’t trust sharing that with her until I’m ready. And, do I want him to see the toxicity we often bring out in each other as his future? Nope. I want him to be locked in and meet her separate of my relationship with her.

What prompted this?

Most of my close girlfriends also have mom issues. I think it’s how much we rely on them in our adult lives. Most of us are single moms who co-parent with our parents. That blurs the lines already. It’s hard for our mothers to see us as adults when they are maintaining a parental role in our lives. Okay. I get it. But, I don’t need you parenting me.

I was talking to a close friend whose mom invaded her relationship, again. This time her inability to diffuse and separate her relationship from her mom’s overreacting caused a major rift with her guy. He’s pretty mad.

He doesn’t back down. He doesn’t roll over and take whatever her mom dishes out. And, my friend is trapped between two people she loves disrespecting each other.

What do you do?

Separate them in the moment.

Separate them in the future.

When they start going at it, separate them. Take one out of the situation. Hear them out. Calm them down. Then go to the other and do the same. (Be prepared to explain the order in which you supported them. Why them first? Why them second?) If they can’t get back together and talk out the situation, then separate them in the future too. They don’t need to be together until they can interact like the adults they are supposed to be. Or, until one can refrain from being abusive to the other.

You aren’t choosing one over the other. You are choosing peace.

But, what’s next?

Eventually you may have to choose. You can’t keep them separated forever. And if they aren’t willing to interact, are you going to be okay having separate relationships with them? Or, kicking one person out of your life completely? You have to decide that.

Additional information: We have all watched the chaos and crisis of Kandi Burris’ relationships play out on reality television. We all pretend to be shocked, but everyone knows someone dealing with a similar situation.

Whether your mother doesn’t support your relationship because she doesn’t see him as a good choice for you or because of her own insecurities, it’s worth a moment of pause. People can see things differently from the outside, more clarity or more obstruction. Her reservations deserve to be heard. In that conversation you may be able to get to the root of the problem and fix it. And if she’s afraid of losing you, she may just need to hear you say otherwise. No avoidance. Go try!

In your relationship, give his feelings validity, but don’t speak against your mother. He needs to know you’re looking for a resolution not an opportunity to bash. Keep talking to him throughout your process. Show him your intent and ask that he participate in fixing the relationship where he can.

“You can do it!” -Waterboy

Kandi and Todd got married. IJS