Qualifications…

Deja vu

I was asked what makes me qualified to write this blog. Qualified? Qualifications? None. Zero. I just have an opinion.

I’ve been engaged twice. Both times I was in my early twenties. They actually both happened within a couple years of each other. Never in a grandiose way.

I called off both engagements. The first I just wasn’t feeling it. The second one because I found out I was pregnant. By him. But, I just wanted to focus on the pregnancy. Then it went wrong and we broke up.

Talked about marriage a few times. Seriously twice. But, there’s no one I’ve ever dated that I could see forever with. Crazy. I have loved and been loved. I have been connected, attached, and committed, but always with some reservations. Always a bit withdrawn.

I have made more mistakes than I care to mention. More failure than I want to relive. I’m not qualified to tell you shit more than what not to do. That’s it.

Continue at your own risk.

Just know, I’m honest. I’m gonna give you my side. I’m gonna tell you how I felt. It’s raw. It’s real. And, I’m sharing. This blog is my diary. Never meant to destroy anyone. It’s my process.

I thank you for reading. Because when I feel totally alone and stupid. One of you tells me you read it. You get it. Damn my qualifications, we just get to be real together for a moment. And, that’s everything!

Like and share. Tell a friend. ❤️

Attached

I hollered. Fanned myself. Had to lay down. Fixed myself a drink. Drank it. Repeat. Cried it out. Showered. Drank more, straight from the bottle. Oiled my scalp. Pulled my hair from the root. Screamed. Prayed. Sheesh. This is everything. Infinity. Amen.

Because I hate to lose, even if I don’t really want to win. And, I get overly attached early on. Many times it has developed into a connection, but often not. Maybe that’s why I fight so hard. I allow it to consume me. Maybe that’s why when I’m done, I’m done. I wasn’t that connected in the first place.

I thought I had something in my last relationship. I almost immediately felt this chemistry with him. We seemed instantly connected. I wanted this to work. He was kind. He showed immediate interest. Genuine interest. Q/A. He shared about himself and his life openly. We talked about goals and desires. We talked about fantasy and childhood. It was a lot.

I was falling for this guy. I had a strong connection.

Then a switch flipped. Everything I appreciated started to disappear. Less and less communication. Less and less attention. Less and less of everything.

I questioned it. I was connected. I wanted to figure it out. I was committed to fixing it. I wanted things back the way they’d been.

He told me I was imagining things. We were good. I was creating a problem. I was being ridiculous. Why can’t I just accept that we love each other and let this progress naturally?

Love doesn’t feel like this.

I became manic. This was the attachment. It kicked in at full speed.

Was it me? What changed? When did it change? What happened? Hindsight is 20/20, right? Let me play everything back. Let me profess my emotions. Let me explain my intentions. Let me fix this.

Nothing worked. And, the more I found the more I didn’t want to go back. This man wasn’t who I thought he was.

But I’d introduced my sons. I need to maintain a connection, right? I mean I don’t introduce many men, and I don’t want to seem like there’s a revolving door on my love life. So, yep, let’s be cool. Social media, a few text messages, FaceTime on holidays. Do exes do that? Can we be those people?

Of course, he said. We’re friends, he said.

But none of that was sincere.

I’m okay. I’m disappointed that I allowed my attachment to lead this far. I put my guard down. I thought things were worth fighting for when they weren’t. I allowed someone into my life that wasn’t genuine, and that happens. But when your spirit says something isn’t okay, move on.

I connected to him early, but I became attached and didn’t want to lose again when it started to go south. I fought to win a prize I would probably have been miserable having.

Attachment will wreck your life. Connection feels different.

FYI: No hate. I’m not mad. I could have walked away at any time. I made a choice to continue in the chaos.

It just didn’t work. It’s okay. No hard feelings.

What are you looking for?

Simple question. What are you looking for?

I was asked this recently. Brought on while venting about my relationship. Fussing and complaining. Trying to figure out why things are inconsistent. Why can’t it be easier?

Them: “What are you looking for?”

Me: “I want communication, passion, intimacy, and honesty, and consistency.”

Them: With a chuckle. “That’s it, huh?”

Me: “This is all easy shit. I’m not asking for anything complicated. I’m just looking for effort.”

Them: “Give me just one thing.”

Me: “Effort.”

Them: “Effort?”

Me: “That’s everything.”

Them: “I guess.”

Me: “Without putting forth the effort, none of the other stuff will happen.”

Them: “Are you sure you don’t want desire? Without desire, there won’t be any effort.”

Me: “I guess I expected the desire to already exist.”

Them: “Starting at step one?”

Me: “Desire.”

So that’s it. I want desire. I want an overwhelming amount of desire that drives our relationship through everything else I named. Because, I give every bit of what I’m asking for. I give it at 100%…until there’s no reason for me to give.

I’m just going to say whatever I want to say.  

This is good shit. Take notes.

01/05/2017

I’m doing what I want to do, and I’m saying whatever I want to say. Because, life is too short for regrets. 

So, to the guy that is convinced he broke my heart. Whatever. You obviously aren’t ready for what I’m bringing to the table. And, the evidence of you being deceitful was a hard pill to swallow, but I swallowed it. Done, and done. 

Funny thing, there are probably 3 of you that think this is about you. Because you all brought foolishness to the table. And, all of you will probably live in shallow lackluster relationships for years to come because you aren’t mature enough to figure out how to man up. 

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. 

To the other guy, I liked you so much. I mean so incredibly much. You could have been the guy, but you aren’t. You messed this up, and that’s on you. That’s solely on you. And I would never go back, because I could never trust you again. I could never be happy with you again. So as much as I like you, I can’t stand your ass. 

Again there are probably 3 of you, 2 on repeat, that think this song is about you. Because. You’re. So. Vain. 

Side note: This feels great…like afternoon margaritas, white queso, and fajitas great! First parking space, great! Sweet green grapes, on sale, great! New LV bag as a gift, with the receipt, great! Radio station paying off your car, mortgage, or whatever, great! This is great!

I want someone who is attractive, in a ruggedly handsome way. Yep I said it, and I said it first. Even though we should never say it. We shouldn’t put looks to high up on our list, because looks will fade. There has to be more. And, I want there to be more. I need there to be more. I need someone patient and understanding that I can talk to, too. But, I WANT someone I enjoy looking at while we talk. And, that’s important. 

IJS

Patience and understanding are important. They are deal breakers.

Smart, and can hold a conversation. Someone who recognizes basic grammar. That writes with capitalized letters and uses punctuation. Someone who is familiar with a comma. 

TRUST!!! I have to be able to trust you. If I’m going to walk through this life being led by you, I have to believe it won’t be off a damn cliff. You know?

Be a man of your word. Have integrity. Stand for something. Stand. For. Something. Don’t be well in your 30s waiting for your “boys” or your mama to make your decisions. Duh.

03/08/2020

Damn. I was seriously on one. Who hurt me? Why? Sheesh.

However, I’m feeling it. I’m feeling 100% of it. I’m totally right. I deserve a high five, a gift, or something.

That trust piece is still so relevant. I was speaking with a friend of mine not too long ago about being a submissive woman. He didn’t think I could be submissive, and I was telling him that woman should only be submissive to men they trust to lead them. I’ve been submissive before, and I regretted it. The man I submitted to, wasn’t prepared to lead us. His actions didn’t match his words, and I had to keep stepping out of submission to lead us out of chaos. The next time, it would have to be for a man who shows characteristics of leadership. Your penis doesn’t make you a leader. It just makes you male.

In conclusion, this was my unapologetic truth. Probably written while frustrated. Probably saved because I didn’t want to come across aggressive or bitter. I don’t know, but I’m humored and proud. So, I’m posting it.

Intention

I never had anyone questioning the intentions of anyone I dated. My dad didn’t get that invested. And, until recently, I didn’t realize the value in what I’d missed.

What’s your intention? What’s the desire, plan, or purpose? Why are you in this? What’s your end game? Why?

This is important to me. Back before I placed value in this, I’d go for almost anything. I was making lots of assumptions and projecting my agenda for the relationship on to my guy. Or, I was terrified to find out where he stood because I knew we were in drastically different places.

Crash and burn relationships. I was dating temporary guys and giving them permanent expectations. Then angry and hurt because they weren’t living up to the plan I had for our relationship. It wasn’t even their plan. I hadn’t even asked. Whether I was afraid to ask, or had failed to asked, or failed to push for the conversation, I’d wasted my time…again. And, I’d failed in the relationship. I’d villianized this man. I’d created this conflict.

In my 30s, I decided I wouldn’t put myself in this situation again. I failed a few times early on, but I recommitted. Never EVER again. I’m going to have the conversation. I’m having it early. I’m having it often. It’s a requirement of dating me. Because I know what I want, and what I’m working towards. I don’t want to make an investment in anything less. Life is too short for missed moments or misunderstandings.

Also, communication is EVERYTHING is to me.

FYI: If he’s unwilling to have the conversation, he probably doesn’t see it going too far for too long. I’m telling you, because he wouldn’t.

Side note: Motivated by someone? Yep. Not mad, though. Not the least bit bitter. Actually hoping this provides the clarity we need to fix things or end as friends/friendly. Both options work as long as it’s more than nothing.

Senseless sacrifices.

This message is probably for you…

That dude I sacrificed everything for, and I mean everything. I let my good sense, finances, body, friendships, time, energy, heart, and soul take major hits. I sacrificed everything I know and love for a dude that I don’t even fool with no more.

Remember the last time you made those sacrifices when you start making them again. Don’t bend over backwards. Stop playing wife. Mind your own business. Tend to your own needs.

Because…

Where did it lead you? What good came of it? Where is he now?

It’s not supposed to be like this. Don’t get wrapped up in this foolery again.

You deserve better. Pray over this, buy yourself something extra fly, and move on. Move. On.

If he is as good as you have imagined, he will follow and show you something real.

In the meantime, though, put your wallet back in your purse. Put your patience on the shelf. And, put your heart in your pocket…it’s safer in there.

You shouldn’t have to stay somewhere that you aren’t wanted.

This is for everyone. Both sides. The victim and the victimized…because perception is everything.

I was speaking with a co-worker about the current royal family’s woes. And, we concluded that if your wants and needs aren’t being met, you should be free to leave. Right? Right?

My relationship ended. Hard ending. Unfollowed on social media ended. How am I feeling? Devastated. Hurt. Exhausted. Set free. All of those. Each of them twice, or three times.

He stopped pursuing me. He didn’t want to do this anymore. He made a decision. I knew this. I saw it. I lived it, but when I questioned it he told me It wasn’t true. He was making me feel crazy, frantic, insecure, and like an investigative reporter. And, I always say that when it starts to feel like work and not progress, it’s already over. But I couldn’t really see myself pulling the plug. It seemed too final. Because I cared so much about him, and believed so strong in the future he’d described.

Sometimes it’s just not meant to be.

Happy that it’s done. Happy the bandage has been ripped off, and the wound has an opportunity to heal.

Hopeful that the next one, is the real one, and he and I can eventually be friends…friendly.