What’s the plan?

What do you want? What are you looking for? What are you willing to do to get there?

Nothing else haphazard. 

Before I start any more relationship journeys, I need to know where this is headed. 

Point blank. Period. 

Everyone has a general plan. We all have an end game. It may not be easily satisfied or obtained, but it exists. 

Name it. 

Because I want forever. I want commitment and love, in natural progression. 

We are still figuring it out. 

How are we gonna survive in each other’s lives? How will we appreciate each other? How will we both win?

It’s more than just casual. We are figuring it out. 

My struggle is that just because I got a lot of things I didn’t know I wanted, doesn’t mean I have to ignore all the things that were important to me that I didn’t get. 

I have this man who supplies me with incredible attention. He’s considerate. He’s kind. He’s totally engaged in the success of our relationship. 

But, we still struggle with communication. We’re still figuring it out. I shut down when things are rough. I’m currently shut down. And, I know it isn’t productive. I know it breeds confusion. But, I don’t want to create chaos with a highly emotional response. 

This is a relationship. It’s all highly emotional, right?

He’s stuck trying to figure me out. He’s deciphering my mixed signals. I’m deciding if this is the other shoe. Should I just cut and run? Sheesh. We can be so exhausting. 

His struggle is probably that he was totally single before me, my kid, and our dog busted into his life. He isn’t used to being this considerate of this many extra people. He’s figuring out how to live amongst us. How to love me? How to befriend my son? How to win over the dog? How to not get lost in the madness he didn’t realize he was signing up for. 

“Ok get ya kids, but then they got their friends. I pulled up in the Benz. They all got up in.” – Kanye West

And, I knew what I wanted. I had a mental list. There are so many boxes left unchecked that weren’t as important as I’d thought. But, there are some serious boxes that must get checked for me to be happy…for us all to function. 

The honeymoon is over, and we are still going. We’re still working. We are still figuring this shit out. I didn’t run away. And, I didn’t run back to the past. I think this guy might be the one. 

Side note: I had to change the title of this. I wrote on it for weeks, and I couldn’t get the message right. Then I changed directions. It organically told the story I was trying to tell when I stopped beating my head against a brick wall. 

Speak up, loud and clear. 

I recently started dating someone. It’s new, but it’s going well. He’s attentive and warm, encourages me, supports me, and we laugh A LOT. This is going really well. 

And, we’re nearing the exclusive stages. So, I needed to reach out to past gents and let them know I’m taking myself off the market to invest in this new venture. 

Wow. 

Just the other day, I was making declarations about being single. Enjoying my freedoms. Not looking or expecting anything more than a few dates, a few cocktails, and a few laughs. I was finally enjoying being a single girl. I was invested in me. I was focused. 

Then he came along. And, he’s screwed up everything.

I’m happy. 

So, I start the conversations. And, 2/3 confessed that they wanted more. They’d been thinking about more. They’d been considering more. They’d realized their feelings for me were stronger than they’d thought. The other one saw this coming. Wanted me to be happy. Wished me well. Promised we’d be friends. 

Okay then. 

If you knew you wanted me, why didn’t you speak up? What’s wrong with you? 

Wait…did you think I was gonna stand in this space forever? Did you believe our non-relationship was so strong it would last forever?

No. NO. NO!!!

I was open to the man who would change my plan. You didn’t. 

I’m okay with that. But, as a woman who cares about you, I’m telling you don’t let another woman pass you by. Live in the moment. Love honestly. Don’t be afraid. And, tell her. She might be the woman that changes your life.  

Speak up. 

Don’t pretend to be my friend. 

Don’t pretend to be friends if you want more than friendship. 

Seriously. Both people will get hurt. Both will feel shortchanged. 

I tried to befriend someone that has feelings for me. I wish I could have reciprocated those feelings. He was a nice guy. But, I don’t feel it. I can’t fake it. I can’t force it. We can be friends though. 

He said okay. Until, I couldn’t live up to his expectations. Then the friendship I thought existed was just a casualty. It never became innocent. It never switched to friendship. It went from love to lust, romance to sex. If he couldn’t have a relationship with me, he wanted to have me in bed. And, I don’t want any of that. I just wanted to be his friend. It was kind of the consolation prize. We don’t have anything in common. We don’t know any of the same people. I just wanted to be civil. And, I thought he was a nice guy. 

But, he ruined that. 

It’s okay though. I was over my friend quota anyway. 

I just wish he’d given an ultimatum earlier on. We could have avoided so many senseless interactions. 

If anyone speaks to him, can you give him a message? 

Take care of yourself. I wish you well. 

If you REALLY need me. 

“If you really need me…” is my new least favorite saying in the world. Congratulations! 

It’s kinda bogus. It’s full of the best intent, though…similar to the road to hell. 

It could be just what people say to justify not coming through for you when you needed them, but they determined you didn’t really need them. SMH

I have a list of emergency contacts a mile long. You can call my mom, dad, sister in Dallas, or brother in LA. You could call my grandma. She can’t come herself, but she has a hotline to the whole clan. You can all my Auntie or uncle, or other uncle, or other aunt, or other aunt, or other aunts on my mom or dad’s sides. You could call my cousins, local and long distance. They would come, if I really need them. That’s how we were raised. Maybe not all of them, but enough to handle the situation. You could call a host of friends and a handful of exes. You could randomly pick from my contact list, and they would probably be there for me, if I really need them. 

I have emergency contacts. I’m good on that. 

I’m looking for people I can reach out to, if I only kinda need them. I want to call you just because. I want people that are ready at the drop of a hat. People that will come out whether I need them, really need them, or want them. 

I want the person who will come over and watch weekly TV because it’s our thing. I want the person who I can call on because I found something hilariously funny, incredibly sad, or just worth sharing. I want the person who shows up because they wanted to show up, or because they wanted to see me, or because they need me, but not necessarily really need me. I want there to be no real reason. I want there to be no real intent. I want just because. 

Disclaimer: No shade to the man that I was exchanging these text messages with. I believe he meant those words with 100% sincerity. And despite the messages in between, I bet he would show up if I really need him. That’s just not the relationship I’m looking for. 

I am valuable. 



I am a valuable friend.
 

I know I’m not the most available person. Between life’s responsibilities and being a mom, I don’t have a lot of time. But, what I have I will give freely. 

I try to check in. It’s a small gesture, but it’s been impactful when received. I’ll send you a message or give you call to let you know I’m thinking of you. I’ll send something I thought could be motivational. I’ll give you the funny thing I came across on social media. I want you to know I’m always here. I will find time for you. I will support you. I will love you. 

My circle is so incredibly small and so incredibly important to me. I want to be a valuable friend to my valuable friends. 

I am a valuable girlfriend. 

I love the idea of love. I love having someone’s back, being in their corner, loving and supporting their day to day, their hustle, and their dreams. 

I want to be woven into your family dynamic. I want to weave you into mine. 

I want the plus one, the sacrifice, the partner, the best friend, the above all else. I want that. 

I can be submissive, and I can be strong. You can lean on me. You can depend on me. You can trust me to be reliable.

I’m not looking to come up off your efforts. We can move forward working side by side. 

I don’t need to be saved. I’m no damsel. I’m not in distress. 

I am valuable. I am worthwhile. And, I realize that, finally. 

I’m editing the relationships in my life. I’m changing what I allow. I’m realizing my value, and I’m expecting the man I end up with to realize it too. 

In case there is any confusion…

I’m not interested in dismissive behavior. No manipulative antics. No liars. You need to have already found yourself. Be confident, a decision maker, and a leader. I can’t be involved with someone that doesn’t understand value and isn’t showing any initiative. 

Put your guard down, pray about it, and then we just try. 

Side note: I’m writing this for all the women who’ve been experiencing less than their value. For anyone who forgot, even for a moment, how amazing they are. 

We are beautiful, talented, nurturing, strong women, who deserve to be appreciated and valued. Your value is not based on you hair texture, skin tone, height, waist size, or whatever you beat yourself up about. You’re incredible. I promise. The man who doesn’t see your worth, isn’t your man. 

It’s really that simple.  

I’m not the best choice 


I’m not your best choice. If I’m not your only option, the only choice you can envision making, the girl of your damn dreams, then I’m not in the running at all. If you have to make a choice, don’t choose me. Seriously.

So there’s this guy. We’ve know each other for a while now, gone on a zillion date-like things, kissed, even passionately under the influence, but that’s it.

He has a habit of chasing down the girl that needs to be saved, standing in the rain with her, and professing his love. His type needs him in her world and can’t function without his guidance. I’m not that girl.

We’ve always viewed each other as friends. Just friends. A consistent plus one. Nothing more. I’m not his type, and his controlling personality hadn’t really turned me on either. So, when he named me the most logical choice for him, I was shocked. I’m not flattered, and I’m definitely not interested.

Logical, and probably reasonable. Your choice? The winner, or the consolation prize?

Nah. Outside of the fact that I’m not looking to change our relationship in that direction, I’m insulted.

If you ever need to choose me, I’m not a choice.

I want the man who can’t live without me. The man who is moving mountains for me. The man who is fighting for me. The man who can’t imagine being with anyone other than me. The man who made a damn decision, not a choice.

I want passion, intention, and commitment. I’m closer to  40 than 30, and I’m not playing any games. I’m also not a pick one from a conveyor belt. This is real life, pal.

I know I’m your best choice, but I’m not an option.