12 deal breakers

 

The original article and link are italized, and my thoughts follow below.

He’s not your forever person unless he actually puts effort into these 12 things:

1. He should make an effort to plan dates. He shouldn’t expect you to come up with ideas every weekend. Once in a while, he should take you to a new restaurant or shop that he thinks you’re going to love.

2. He should make an effort to text back. And he should remember to tell you where he is and what he’s doing. It’s the easiest way to build trust. If he’s always open with you, then there’s no reason to doubt what he says.

3. He should make an effort to flirt. I don’t care if you’ve been dating for decades. He should never take your love for granted. He should still try to woo you, even though he already has you.

4. He should make an effort to give you an orgasm. You don’t have to climax every single time you have sex, but you should climax the majority of the time. That means there should be plenty of foreplay and oral.

5. He should make an effort to save his money. If he honestly wants to spend the rest of his life with you, then he has to prepare for the future. He should be resisting the urge to waste all his cash on alcohol and should be working alongside you to save up money for a house.

6. He should make an effort to make you feel like a major part of his life. He should update you on what’s going on at work. He should invite you out with his friends. He should make you feel important.

7. He should make an effort to get along with your friends and family members. He doesn’t have to go on one-on-one brunch dates with your mother, but he should treat everyone you care about with respect. Even if your disapproving father is a little rude to him, it doesn’t mean he should be rude back. He should be trying his best to make a good impression.

8. He should make an effort to come to compromises. If you two disagree on something, there shouldn’t be a big blowout that ends with only one of you getting your way. You should find a solution that benefits you both. Otherwise, the resentment is going to kick in.

9. He should make an effort to cook and clean. You’re not his mother. He shouldn’t rely on you to do all of his chores for him. He should be doing just as much housework as you.

10. He should make an effort to look good. He doesn’t have to wear a suit and tie during every date, just like you don’t have to wear a skintight dress. But he should at least look presentable. He should keep that beard trimmed and wear that underwear that he knows his butt looks amazing in.

11. He should make an effort to keep himself healthy. If he loves you, he’ll take care of himself, so that you two can have a long life together.

12. He should make an effort to make you happy. He should think your smile is the most beautiful thing in the world, and he should aim to see it as often as humanly possible. 

There’s a theme in all of this. “He should make an effort…” Yes! A thousand, million, gazillion times yes! Make a damn effort. Just try. Give it a chance. Hear me. Move in my direction. Please. If you don’t mind.

I can relate. I believe.

1. Plan a date. Take me out. Put forth the effort to show me a good time.

2. COMMUNICATION! I was at a wedding this past weekend, and a member of the groom’s family passed around decorative notecards for guests to write well wishes to the couple. All three cards coming from our table, including the one from me and my date, discussed communication.

Communicate openly. 

Remember to discuss things and don’t demand. 

Communication is key. 

Three different age groups, 3 different relationship types, 3 different experiences, and we all spoke to the same core value. You have to be able to communicate to have a successful relationship.

3. Flirt with me. Make me feel desireable. Whisper in my ear. Eye me up and down. Compliment me. Look me dead in the eye. Touch me gently.

Do all the things you did when we were just dating.

4. Orgasms are important. I vote for orgasms. I campaign for orgasms. I donate to the orgasms cause.

Don’t forget about me sexually. Work to ensure I am satisfied.

If I am putting in effort to make sure you are sexually satisfied, you should be doing the same.

Sexual frustration leads to bad decision making in 100% of people, 100% of the time. IJS

5.  You can’t build an empire with someone who doesn’t value work or money.

Make sure that man in your life has a solid plan to be able to support himself and the family you want to have. A plan that he is working everyday. It doesn’t have to be airtight, but it has to be real and in process.

6. COMMUNICATION…again, because it’s so important.

7. “You have to be a friend to make a friend.” I’ve been telling my son this forever! Treat my crew with respect and kindness. They will welcome you into our squad.

Don’t make things hard, by not putting your best foot forward.

8. Compromise. When I turns to we, the whole game changes. You have to be hyper considerate of how your thoughts and actions effect the other person. It can be exhausting, and it’s easy to feel like it’s impossible for you to win in this situation.

However, with COMMUNICATION, sacrifice, and compromise you can both find a way to be successful and grow your relationship.

However, however, this has to be a 100%/100% effort by both people. Your man has to be willing to compromise, and so do you. Neither of you can half-ass this.

9.  Neat and tidy. He must take care of himself. He must manage his home like an adult.

10. “Looking good.” – Chico and the Man

Any grown man out there should put forth effort to look more than just presentable most of the time.

11, with a little 10 because it’s so important. He pays attention to his health. If he’s not able to prioritize his health and hygiene into his day to day, his priorities are seriously jacked up. IJS. Because he can’t take care of you, if he can’t take care of himself.

12. He makes you a priority. You will NOT always make the top spot on his things to do list, but you should always make the list. You being happy and feeling safe and secure in the relationship should be important to him.

A year ago, I came across this article. I was in a strange relationship space, and struggled to add my fillers. 1, 2, 5, 6, 8 and obviously 12 didn’t quite line up for me. So, the article and my blog sat in limbo.

Recently, I’ve been reviewing my drafts. Finalizing unfinished thoughts. Trying to find and/or create clarity. And, what a difference a year makes.

I’m in a relationship that’s checking way more boxes, and writing this was MUCH easier.

Keep trying. Keep dating. Remain open. Be realistic. Don’t settle.

Advertisements

What’s the plan?

What do you want? What are you looking for? What are you willing to do to get there?

Nothing else haphazard. 

Before I start any more relationship journeys, I need to know where this is headed. 

Point blank. Period. 

Everyone has a general plan. We all have an end game. It may not be easily satisfied or obtained, but it exists. 

Name it. 

Because I want forever. I want commitment and love, in natural progression. 

We are still figuring it out. 

How are we gonna survive in each other’s lives? How will we appreciate each other? How will we both win?

It’s more than just casual. We are figuring it out. 

My struggle is that just because I got a lot of things I didn’t know I wanted, doesn’t mean I have to ignore all the things that were important to me that I didn’t get. 

I have this man who supplies me with incredible attention. He’s considerate. He’s kind. He’s totally engaged in the success of our relationship. 

But, we still struggle with communication. We’re still figuring it out. I shut down when things are rough. I’m currently shut down. And, I know it isn’t productive. I know it breeds confusion. But, I don’t want to create chaos with a highly emotional response. 

This is a relationship. It’s all highly emotional, right?

He’s stuck trying to figure me out. He’s deciphering my mixed signals. I’m deciding if this is the other shoe. Should I just cut and run? Sheesh. We can be so exhausting. 

His struggle is probably that he was totally single before me, my kid, and our dog busted into his life. He isn’t used to being this considerate of this many extra people. He’s figuring out how to live amongst us. How to love me? How to befriend my son? How to win over the dog? How to not get lost in the madness he didn’t realize he was signing up for. 

“Ok get ya kids, but then they got their friends. I pulled up in the Benz. They all got up in.” – Kanye West

And, I knew what I wanted. I had a mental list. There are so many boxes left unchecked that weren’t as important as I’d thought. But, there are some serious boxes that must get checked for me to be happy…for us all to function. 

The honeymoon is over, and we are still going. We’re still working. We are still figuring this shit out. I didn’t run away. And, I didn’t run back to the past. I think this guy might be the one. 

Side note: I had to change the title of this. I wrote on it for weeks, and I couldn’t get the message right. Then I changed directions. It organically told the story I was trying to tell when I stopped beating my head against a brick wall. 

Speak up, loud and clear. 

I recently started dating someone. It’s new, but it’s going well. He’s attentive and warm, encourages me, supports me, and we laugh A LOT. This is going really well. 

And, we’re nearing the exclusive stages. So, I needed to reach out to past gents and let them know I’m taking myself off the market to invest in this new venture. 

Wow. 

Just the other day, I was making declarations about being single. Enjoying my freedoms. Not looking or expecting anything more than a few dates, a few cocktails, and a few laughs. I was finally enjoying being a single girl. I was invested in me. I was focused. 

Then he came along. And, he’s screwed up everything.

I’m happy. 

So, I start the conversations. And, 2/3 confessed that they wanted more. They’d been thinking about more. They’d been considering more. They’d realized their feelings for me were stronger than they’d thought. The other one saw this coming. Wanted me to be happy. Wished me well. Promised we’d be friends. 

Okay then. 

If you knew you wanted me, why didn’t you speak up? What’s wrong with you? 

Wait…did you think I was gonna stand in this space forever? Did you believe our non-relationship was so strong it would last forever?

No. NO. NO!!!

I was open to the man who would change my plan. You didn’t. 

I’m okay with that. But, as a woman who cares about you, I’m telling you don’t let another woman pass you by. Live in the moment. Love honestly. Don’t be afraid. And, tell her. She might be the woman that changes your life.  

Speak up. 

Don’t pretend to be my friend. 

Don’t pretend to be friends if you want more than friendship. 

Seriously. Both people will get hurt. Both will feel shortchanged. 

I tried to befriend someone that has feelings for me. I wish I could have reciprocated those feelings. He was a nice guy. But, I don’t feel it. I can’t fake it. I can’t force it. We can be friends though. 

He said okay. Until, I couldn’t live up to his expectations. Then the friendship I thought existed was just a casualty. It never became innocent. It never switched to friendship. It went from love to lust, romance to sex. If he couldn’t have a relationship with me, he wanted to have me in bed. And, I don’t want any of that. I just wanted to be his friend. It was kind of the consolation prize. We don’t have anything in common. We don’t know any of the same people. I just wanted to be civil. And, I thought he was a nice guy. 

But, he ruined that. 

It’s okay though. I was over my friend quota anyway. 

I just wish he’d given an ultimatum earlier on. We could have avoided so many senseless interactions. 

If anyone speaks to him, can you give him a message? 

Take care of yourself. I wish you well. 

If you REALLY need me. 

“If you really need me…” is my new least favorite saying in the world. Congratulations! 

It’s kinda bogus. It’s full of the best intent, though…similar to the road to hell. 

It could be just what people say to justify not coming through for you when you needed them, but they determined you didn’t really need them. SMH

I have a list of emergency contacts a mile long. You can call my mom, dad, sister in Dallas, or brother in LA. You could call my grandma. She can’t come herself, but she has a hotline to the whole clan. You can all my Auntie or uncle, or other uncle, or other aunt, or other aunt, or other aunts on my mom or dad’s sides. You could call my cousins, local and long distance. They would come, if I really need them. That’s how we were raised. Maybe not all of them, but enough to handle the situation. You could call a host of friends and a handful of exes. You could randomly pick from my contact list, and they would probably be there for me, if I really need them. 

I have emergency contacts. I’m good on that. 

I’m looking for people I can reach out to, if I only kinda need them. I want to call you just because. I want people that are ready at the drop of a hat. People that will come out whether I need them, really need them, or want them. 

I want the person who will come over and watch weekly TV because it’s our thing. I want the person who I can call on because I found something hilariously funny, incredibly sad, or just worth sharing. I want the person who shows up because they wanted to show up, or because they wanted to see me, or because they need me, but not necessarily really need me. I want there to be no real reason. I want there to be no real intent. I want just because. 

Disclaimer: No shade to the man that I was exchanging these text messages with. I believe he meant those words with 100% sincerity. And despite the messages in between, I bet he would show up if I really need him. That’s just not the relationship I’m looking for. 

I am valuable. 



I am a valuable friend.
 

I know I’m not the most available person. Between life’s responsibilities and being a mom, I don’t have a lot of time. But, what I have I will give freely. 

I try to check in. It’s a small gesture, but it’s been impactful when received. I’ll send you a message or give you call to let you know I’m thinking of you. I’ll send something I thought could be motivational. I’ll give you the funny thing I came across on social media. I want you to know I’m always here. I will find time for you. I will support you. I will love you. 

My circle is so incredibly small and so incredibly important to me. I want to be a valuable friend to my valuable friends. 

I am a valuable girlfriend. 

I love the idea of love. I love having someone’s back, being in their corner, loving and supporting their day to day, their hustle, and their dreams. 

I want to be woven into your family dynamic. I want to weave you into mine. 

I want the plus one, the sacrifice, the partner, the best friend, the above all else. I want that. 

I can be submissive, and I can be strong. You can lean on me. You can depend on me. You can trust me to be reliable.

I’m not looking to come up off your efforts. We can move forward working side by side. 

I don’t need to be saved. I’m no damsel. I’m not in distress. 

I am valuable. I am worthwhile. And, I realize that, finally. 

I’m editing the relationships in my life. I’m changing what I allow. I’m realizing my value, and I’m expecting the man I end up with to realize it too. 

In case there is any confusion…

I’m not interested in dismissive behavior. No manipulative antics. No liars. You need to have already found yourself. Be confident, a decision maker, and a leader. I can’t be involved with someone that doesn’t understand value and isn’t showing any initiative. 

Put your guard down, pray about it, and then we just try. 

Side note: I’m writing this for all the women who’ve been experiencing less than their value. For anyone who forgot, even for a moment, how amazing they are. 

We are beautiful, talented, nurturing, strong women, who deserve to be appreciated and valued. Your value is not based on you hair texture, skin tone, height, waist size, or whatever you beat yourself up about. You’re incredible. I promise. The man who doesn’t see your worth, isn’t your man. 

It’s really that simple.