Communication

C. O. M. M. U. N. I. C. A. T. I. O. N.

Had a hiccup in my relationship recently. I’m using the word hiccup to mean epic disaster that almost ended everything.

Yep. Hiccup.

Basically we had another communication failure. It’s kinda our thing. We’re two independent and head strong individuals trying to learn how to function as a team. We are both better at individual sports than team events. We don’t even do relays.

It’s tough.

Yesterday was the final straw though, for me. It was just too reminiscent of the obstacles I thought we’d gotten past. It was too dangerously familiar. I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t do it all, again. I was ready to cut and run.

He was holding on, to me and the smallest piece of information that could change everything. His pride kept him from sharing everything. He was torn between what he wanted for us and what his plan had been. He wanted to please everyone. And, instead of telling me the issues, he was going to sacrifice everything.

What?

Seriously?

Instead of telling me you’re scared, you’d tell me goodbye?

Unacceptable.

This is a team. We are teammates. We handle all our obstacles together. And, we never, NEVER, let fear be stronger than love.

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We are still figuring it out. 

How are we gonna survive in each other’s lives? How will we appreciate each other? How will we both win?

It’s more than just casual. We are figuring it out. 

My struggle is that just because I got a lot of things I didn’t know I wanted, doesn’t mean I have to ignore all the things that were important to me that I didn’t get. 

I have this man who supplies me with incredible attention. He’s considerate. He’s kind. He’s totally engaged in the success of our relationship. 

But, we still struggle with communication. We’re still figuring it out. I shut down when things are rough. I’m currently shut down. And, I know it isn’t productive. I know it breeds confusion. But, I don’t want to create chaos with a highly emotional response. 

This is a relationship. It’s all highly emotional, right?

He’s stuck trying to figure me out. He’s deciphering my mixed signals. I’m deciding if this is the other shoe. Should I just cut and run? Sheesh. We can be so exhausting. 

His struggle is probably that he was totally single before me, my kid, and our dog busted into his life. He isn’t used to being this considerate of this many extra people. He’s figuring out how to live amongst us. How to love me? How to befriend my son? How to win over the dog? How to not get lost in the madness he didn’t realize he was signing up for. 

“Ok get ya kids, but then they got their friends. I pulled up in the Benz. They all got up in.” – Kanye West

And, I knew what I wanted. I had a mental list. There are so many boxes left unchecked that weren’t as important as I’d thought. But, there are some serious boxes that must get checked for me to be happy…for us all to function. 

The honeymoon is over, and we are still going. We’re still working. We are still figuring this shit out. I didn’t run away. And, I didn’t run back to the past. I think this guy might be the one. 

Side note: I had to change the title of this. I wrote on it for weeks, and I couldn’t get the message right. Then I changed directions. It organically told the story I was trying to tell when I stopped beating my head against a brick wall. 

Apples v Oranges

  
He’s not me. And,I’m not him. 

We are two different people. We have different needs and communicate in different ways. It’s okay…if we understand that.  

Had some issues recently. He wasn’t doing things the way that I would. 

He had some issues with me too. I wasn’t doing things the way that he would. 

We aren’t the same person. We wouldn’t be attracted to each other if we were. And, we are so good together until we make a mountain out of a mole hill. But, not always. We have valid disagreements. We both have valid issues and concerns. We handle things so differently. We have such different needs, and we communicate them so differently. 

Are we not listening to each other? Are we not trying hard enough? 

Disclaimer: This post was originally written a couple weeks ago. Life has definitely changed since this, but I learned from this situation. 

Mars v Venus

SMH

It’s getting too comfortable…

She said: My relationship is getting too comfortable. I don’t think he appreciates me anymore. I need to liven things up or move on.

I said: Wait, if you’re thinking about moving on that’s a-whole-nother conversation. Let’s focus on livening things up.

I said: First, what have you tried?

She said: Nothing?

I said: Okay. (Laced with sarcasm.) Maybe both of you are too comfortable. He could be having this same conversation with one of his friends, too.

Us: Silence.

I firmly believe in dates. I’ve missed that most in my recent gigs. We stopped dating. You shouldn’t. The moment the relationship loses that zest, you lose the relationship. You need quality time together based on nothing more than spending time together. You can’t sit at the dinner table, going over finances, and consider it quality time.

Why don’t you two sit at the dinner table, discuss finances, and come up with a date night allowance. For this first time, allot money for two dates. You plan one, with him in mind, and he plans the other, with you in mind.

“…in mind.” Because, you want it to be enjoyable for you both. You want to pick something, even if you’re introducing the other to something, that can be fun for you to do together.

After the dates, schedule weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly dates. Do something you’ve always wanted to do, or have experiences you want to share with one another.

There’s more. Why don’t you exchange letters? You’re concerned about the comfort and appreciation in your relationship. Use this as the resource to break the ice. Start the conversation. Fix the problem.

This is easy. In your letters, write the 3 things your partner does for you, or your family, that you appreciate most, and the 3 things you do for them, or your family, that you enjoy most. And when you exchange your letters, read them aloud. Share the moment.

If you are too comfortable, push your limits, mix it up, and change things. Relationships require growth and development too.