Newborn and giving up.

6/22 I’m writing this with my newborn son on my shoulder. It’s been one week, two hours, and seventeen minutes of me being a mom of two. He’s perfect, and I’m faking normalcy.

7/27 My baby is now 6 weeks and 1 day. We’re side by side in the backseat of a car. We took a mini vacation to Memphis. It was challenging. It was an adventure. We’re in the last hour of the drive, he’s tired of the car seat, he wonders why I’m not taking him out of it, and I’m typing this with one hand while I hold his pacifier with the other.

But, he’s absolutely perfect. He’s happy and curious most of the time, but he screams his head off when he’s hungry. And, he expects his pacifier to be available 100% of the time. Doesn’t matter if he wants it. He wants it to be available. We have 6 pacifiers. He’s training me well. Again, I’m holding his pacifier in his mouth this moment.

I’m madly in love. I’m mother to 2 beautiful boys, 13 years apart, and almost identical twins. My heart is full. I can barely contain my happiness, even during 3A feedings and poop filled diapers. Life is good. I’m very blessed.

I can’t seem to wrap my mind around what’s happened in the last year. The break up. The pregnancy. The baby. Nothing was part of the plan. I give up.

And, I don’t give up in a negative way. I give up making decisions regarding love. I give up being sure of anything. Because my happiest moments were being single and open to whatever happened. I was free.

Right now, I don’t want to be a wife, or a fiancĂ©, or a girlfriend. I just want to have a few dates, eventually. I just want a handful of compliments and a few conversations a week. It’s easy, and it lacks decisions.

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Jacob Blaise

  

Has it really been 10 years?

This is the most important man (-child) in my life. 

My son is 10 years old today! We have learned from each other, and this has been the most incredible journey of my life. I love this kid. He is compassionate, intelligent, silly, and genuine. He’s sarcastic and funny. He’s sweet and kind. 

He has my whole heart, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 
Wishing Blaise the best, happiest, and most fulfilling birthday, AND LIFE!!!

All my love, MOM

  

And yep, this is only about 2-3 months worth of selfies. I might just have a problem…

Pregnancy scare

I’m too old for this.

I’m great with my birth control. I’m fantastic at tracking my cycle. I rarely make mistakes. James changed me. Actually, I never make mistakes.

So imagine my surprise when my start date came and left with no festivities. Huh? This doesn’t happen to me. Sexual mishaps cost me $44. Even with my birth control, any mistakes require the morning after pill. I’m that particular about motherhood. Again, as in my post Baby?, I love being a mom. But, my next kid needs to come with a family. If you want me to grow your seed, you need to put a ring on it.

The current situation, I have 4 of the 7 early pregnancy symptoms, per the internet. I have failed a couple pregnancy tests though. And, now I’m gonna have a glass of wine. Because I’m stressed enough without adding the possible pregnancy with the man that’s no longer speaking to me.

Disclaimer: A missed cycle can be linked to many things. And, my other symptoms of fatigue (work is killing me right now), food aversions (I’ve always been a quirky eater), and frequent urination (I’ve started drinking more water to get healthier), can be attributed to life.

Life Lesson: The moment you convinced yourself of something, it’s easy to create ways to justify it.

Baby?

I want a baby! I love the life I have, but I always envisioned at least one more child. And, Blaise is growing up so fast. I just want those moments one more time. Please…

Every time a man brings up having a child my heart almost jumps out of my chest. Then I’m reminded of the drama filled chaos with the 1st Chris and the heartbreak with James. I want to believe it could be better, but it could be painfully the same. I know better.

Being a single mom is hard work. I have done EVERYTHING for Blaise with little outside help. My parents have been there and been supportive, but everyone else only has to do what they want to do. I don’t have that luxury. No one has ever given me a break when I felt overwhelmed or allowed me to cry on their shoulder. I have carried the good and bad times, emotional, physical, and mental, on my back alone. And, that’s fine because Blaise is my son. I don’t regret anything about him, EVER. I just don’t know if I’m up to doing it again the same way.

So I wait it out, right? Probably not. I’m 33 years old. I have less than 2 years to meet Mr. Right, fall “in love,” get married, and make a baby. I don’t even have a prospect. I don’t have a chance. Instead, I let this go. I continue to thank God EVERYDAY for the blessing that is Blaise. And if I need to hold a baby, I politely ask a stranger and hope for the best. LOL

Disclaimer: There are added health risks and complications after a woman turns 35. I don’t want to take that chance.