Know your worth?


I’ve battled, for a thousand years, with the phrase “know your worth.”

I don’t think anyone ever told me my worth. I don’t think I understood my worth. And, I didn’t know how to establish it. 

I believe the value you place on yourself is directly related to how you have been treated, your wants and desires, and how you feel about yourself. 

In using the phrase we forget that everyone doesn’t have a good foundation of worth and isn’t realistic with expectations. 

I’m still figuring out my own worth. I’m still trying to establish that in my life. 

And, I’ve done that through trial and error mostly, but I’m devising a better plan as I go. 

To start, I’m certain that I’m worth what I’m offering..honesty, reliability, compassion, sincerity, fun, and passion. If the man I date, the friendship I build, or the job I take can’t give me those things back, then we have a huge issue of respect. And, I can’t imagine I’m gonna stay around that long. 

Second, I’m a catch. Seriously, I am. I’m worthwhile. I may not be ideal for everyone, but that doesn’t lessen my importance. I realize that. And because of that, any opportunities that don’t work out just weren’t meant for me. They aren’t because I’m inadequate. 

That was a really hard lesson. 

So knowing your worth is about knowing yourself. 

Duh, I know. 

But there are so many of us that are less than experts on self. So, instead of focusing on a worth that’s yet to be defined. Figure out who you are. Establish what you’re bringing to the table. And, value yourself as you currently are even if improvements can be made. We can all make improvements. 

Once you’ve mastered that, you will have a good grip on knowing your worth. 

Good luck. 

God speed. 

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36

I’m writing this sitting at the nail salon. I have the salon chair going at full speed and my feet are soaking in a jetted tub full of blue water. I have my go to gray close by, Steel Waters Run Deep by OPI.

I’m relaxed.

I slept fine. I woke up rested. I already tackled a thousand things, and now I’m here, relaxed, waiting my turn to have my nails buffed and painted.

Life is good.

I’m usually really anxious on my birthday. When I was younger it was wondering about gifts and surprises that kept me awake, but here in my 30s it’s wanting to make more of this year than the age before. It’s fear of committing and falling short, again. It’s wanting more than what’s realistic, and having zero notion of how to turn impossible to possible.

Not this year.

I’m fine. I’m not overly eager. I’m more at peace.

I’m dating someone. It’s been a little chaotic, but we’re in a good place. And, it’s the little things between us that make me feel like this could be the relationship I’ve been waiting for. I don’t know. I could be wrong, but it feels good. And, if it blows up in my face it won’t be the end of the world. It will just be the beginning of the next thing.

My business is starting over. My blog is doing well. I’m establishing new ventures. I’m making new connections. There’s a new energy behind what I’ve always done, and I feel success. I feel like I’m on the cusp of something incredible.

My family is healthy. We are happy. I am surrounded by the most amazing people that love me, support me, and encourage me. And, I have a son who continues to change my life everyday.

So, I’m 36. It happened really fast. It’s like my birthdays seem to be coming twice a year. And, I’m grateful. I’m peaceful. And, I’m happy.

This is what 36 looks like.

I was good on my own. That’s the way it was. That’s the way it was. 

I was speaking to a good friend of mine recently. I was telling her that I’m about to give up my rental, venture back to my mom’s, and grind super hard to purchase a home January 2018. Whew. 

“What are you looking for?” She asked. Immediately plugging her mortgage career, and willing to help along the way. Thanks doll, but I’m not ready for the HGTV experience quite yet. 

However, I’ll be looking for a two-story with a small yard and 2-3 bedrooms. Or, I might be looking for a single story with a pool. I don’t know for certain. I like mid century styling, though. Just something that’s good for me, and B, and probably a couple dogs and a fish. 

Pause. I’m not expecting there to be anyone else. 

Wow. 

I’m not sad about it. I’m not anxious. I’m not eager. I’m just planning for what I know. I’m just planning for my personal certainty. And, I’m totally at peace. 

If something changes, I’ll cross that bridge…probably when I’m already standing on it. 

2016

2016 was interesting. Probably one of the most interesting years I can remember. 

I dated some of the most bogus boys, got my feelings hurt, and stressed my self into a 20lb weight gain. My finances took a major hit. I fired some friends. I learned to depend on myself more. And, I realized I needed to alter some things in the parenting of my son. I’ve decided to work towards buying a home, paying off my debit, and launching my business…for real. I got new tattoos and new piercings. I changed my hair. I planned to change my life, but it back fired a little. 

People died. Babies were born. Marriages probably happened at the same speed as divorces. Science and technology advanced. Science and technology were halted. There was a presidential election. It highlighted some ugly things. There was incredible social progress that’s been threatened over and over again. We were promised some of the greatest entertainment of all time, and mourned some great entertainers. Music progressed. Art progressed. But, there were parts that just seemed like the old stuff warmed over. 

Was it just another year?

My eyes opened everyday. My heart never stopped beating. I took countless breathes. I had a gazillion opportunities. I was impacted. I  hope I was impactful. I had days I thought I would break in half, but I didn’t. I made it. And, I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be.

So, cheers to 2016. It was a necessary time. It prepared me for whatever 2017 has planned. 

The Confessions

I do reckless stuff when I feel overwhelmed in relationships. 

I have a tendency to get careless when I feel out of control. I make bad decisions. I do dumb things. 

I like the new guy. True, there are a number of things that make me wonder if I should jump ship, but I like him. I really do. And, I want to see where this goes. And, I want to enjoy the ride. 

But…

Every time there’s the least bit of trouble, I seem to want to sabotage everything. 

I want this to be easy. I want a daily sign, affirmation, that this is right. I need to be sure that I’m traveling in the right direction. I want to feel sure about things. And, I don’t. 

It’s really soon, though. We’re still counting weeks more than months, haven’t reached a celebratory anniversary, and I can’t yet fathom a year. 

I want to enjoy this. I want to appreciate it, but I don’t want to get hurt. 

Wow. 

That’s the truth. 

I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to be disappointed. I don’t want to get duped. 

And, I know that’s me projecting the past into the present. I know that. But, the past really did happen to me. And, I’m a little jacked up from it. 

Just hoping he likes me enough to give me some time to work through my crazy. It’s not radical crazy, no one will be harmed, and we can still have dates during. 

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Week 5…the end. 

Week 5 was okay. Just okay. I had some real success with my activity, but I hit a brick wall emotionally. Same brick wall. Now, three times…

I went into the cycle of change with guns blazing. I was ready to change everything. And, I’d given myself a tight timeline in which to do it. And, it was really hard. And, I didn’t like it very much. 

There was no real plan. There was absolutely no order. I decided to change everything, at once, in 2 months. Turns out that’s the fastest way to sign up for do-overs. And, I’ve already taken about 6 of them. 

So, that means my title was bogus. I need do-overs. I need as many as it takes to get things on track and stay on track. 

The plan: 

1. Change the title to Fresh start. New me. Only necessary do-overs. (LOL)

2. What are we focusing on changing? My attitude and my faith. My health and appearance. My relationships. My finances and career. 

3. What’s the timeline? Forever, and the day after that. I’m looking for life changes and true happiness. 

4.  What’s first? Everything is still first. I’m just slowing down the process and being realistic with myself. 

Today, I still feel like a victim. I hate to feel like a victim, more than anything. I hate to be out of control.

Earlier this week, I struggled emotionally. I let some things really get to me. Things just kept growing and mutating until it was too much to for me. I spent a couple evenings just crying uncontrollably and praying. Then trying to gear up for what the next day would hold. I’ve been exhausted. My blood pressure’s been elevated, and my blood pressure is never up. My head’s been hurting none stop, and I’ve gone back and forth between never ending hunger and being sick to my stomach. 

Like I said in my previous blog, I realized I didn’t really have a shoulder to cry on. There’s no life preserver headed my way. I’m adult. My issues belong to me.

I’m standing out on an island. It feels like it’s sinking, and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s nothing anyone else can do either. That’s okay. That’s life sometimes. We have to step outside of the situation and find peace to get through it. I’m headed in that direction, peace is finally within reach. I need to meditate and pray. I need to alter my reactions. I need to gain control of my feelings. I need a break. 

And, that’s a do-over. Because this out-of-control, helplessness, came with a host of bad decisions that I’ll spend the next few weeks fixing. And, that’s okay too. 

There’s no timeline. I’ll be writing in this series forever. I’m not committing to when or how often either. I’m just going to try. 

And, everything is going to be okay. 

Amen. 

Jeremiah 29:11 

Allow me to reintroduce myself…

I’m a tough chick. I’m not everyone’s type. I’m not everyone’s speed. I’m not for everyone’s liking. But if you appreciate and can handle me, the pay off is huge. 

I’m loyal to a fault. I’ll fight for you. I’ll support you. I’ll stand in your corner. I’ll have your back. I’ll be honest with you. I’ll hold your hand. And, I’ll be the shoulder you need.

I am also upfront. I tell it like it is. I have full scope of my emotions. I think twice before I react, and I try to always use logic far before feelings. I speak clearly, and I alway repeat myself at least once to ensure I never have to say it again. 

I look at every side of every situation. I pride myself on being fair. And even though I’m typically unemotional, I respect and consider other people’s emotions. 

I try to do what I say I’ll do. I’m reliable. And, I apologize if necessary. 

I’m a born sales person. I work hard for what I believe in. I never think I’m wrong, but I’m open to being proven different. I don’t fold if there’s something to fight for. 

And, I stay ready. 

I usually don’t toot my horn, but I took a character hit this weekend. And, I feel like I have to defend myself. 

You don’t have to have me in your life. Actually, please kick me out of your life if you find it difficult to deal with me. Save yourself from me. Save me from you. 

I will never apologize for who I am, and if I’ve already explained myself to you this is one more time too many. 

And for you, I’ve been a simpler version of me. I didn’t want to push to hard or be too much. Trying to be a more delicate version of myself. No more of that, though.

You didn’t appreciate me watered down. You can’t handle me full flavor.