I cheated, but not the way you think. 

  
I cheated. 

Yep. I did, but not the way you think. Actually, it was worse. And, it prolonged our relationship. 

I am an emotional cheater. 

I haven’t had too many relationships that were totally satisfying. They ended because they were missing something necessary to the relationship survival. Duh. Often it was something I refused to demand. And, I felt awful when it finally ended even though I knew it wouldn’t last. 

So, I’ve figured out that the demise of my last relationship was the fact we didn’t really know each other that well. We didn’t talk enough. We didn’t emotionally connect. We didn’t feed each other mentally and emotionally. I kept all my “best guy friends.” I didn’t expect my man to satisfy my emotions, because I already had that elsewhere.

No bueno.  

And, I was good with the chaos I’d created in my life and relationship. I got to maintain the comfort of my friends, and I got to have a great physical relationship with this man I was so incredibly attracted too. Until, I tried to put my emotional expectations on him. He wasn’t ready for that. We didn’t have that, and everything crashed to floor. 

It was messy, and I need to get away from it before it swallows me whole. I wanted him to be my everything, but that was unrealistic when we weren’t established that way. 

I had to decide if I wanted to just keep emotionally cheating, forever. Or, did I want to let it go and start fresh elsewhere? I wanted both. I wanted him to alter himself and be who I wanted him to be. I wanted to keep all my guy friends, but stop relying on them to fill spots in my relationship my man wasn’t filling. I wanted everything to work out in my favor. I wanted to win. 

Life doesn’t work out that way. Life gives you what it wants you to have. God creates who you ultimately become based on the chaos you live through. 

DISCLAIMER: So there’s a person who likes to hang me for any blog entry they disagree with. Ummm…okay. A part of my blog is letting people into my life and taking their criticisms. So let me explain myself. I emotionally cheated meaning, I relied way too heavily on people outside my past relationship for emotional support. I didn’t feel that I could share many things with my man as BFF’s. Instead of pushing to work through that I continued to lean on my friends just as I had before my relationship. I never stepped outside my relationship physically. And more than actually cheating on him,  we didn’t grow our relationship the way I wish we had. And when I/we did try, it was incredibly difficult because it wasn’t the relationship we had been having. There was resistance and instead of pushing I continued to make my friends my emotional support. I loved my ex. I never did anything to intentionally hurt him. We didn’t have an emotionally sound relationship due to past hurt and heart break, physical availability, and both trying to figure out what we wanted from ourselves and each other. Ultimately we just didn’t, and that’s both devastating and unfortunate. And, I wish better for both of us moving forward. 

There. 

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Emotional Cheating v Physical Cheating

Emotional Cheating: establishing an emotional connection, beyond just a friendship, with a person outside your relationship. Confiding in another person, spending unnecessary amounts of time interacting with that person, discussing personal topics with that person, and hiding this relationship, or the complexity of it, from your partner are all signs you’re in an emotional relationship with someone else.

I think it’s easier to recover from emotional cheating, if everyone is honest. Typically this cheating is due to a deficiency in the relationship. It’s probably not intentional. With counseling or communication, this cheating may be overcome.

What led you here? A person in a healthy relationship wouldn’t allow themselves to be pulled into an emotional relationship with someone else, not a person truly concerned with the longevity of the relationship they’re in.

What needs aren’t being met in your current relationship?

Why did you go outside of your relationship to fulfill them? Or, why did they?

Physical Cheating:

This is harder to explain away. It’s intentional at some point. And, it is either attention seeking or because the cheater doesn’t care. They don’t care about disrespecting their relationship or their partner, and often guilt comes after being found out.

Physical cheating breeds repeat offenders. There doesn’t have to be any problems in the relationship for this to occur. They may just need opportunity.

What if it’s attention seeking? Did the emotional relationship go to far? Can your current relationship get back on track?

What if they just don’t care? You’re most likely dealing with a serial cheater. They will cheat because they wanted to. In that moment, they couldn’t see anything outside of fulfilling their own wants and/or needs. Can you trust them again? Are you willing to stick it out?

When faced with a cheating situation, the most important thing to do is communicate. What happened? You need to know what happened to figure out if you can move forward. And, sticking it out can be an option. You have to make decisions based on how you feel about your relationship. Can it be saved? Is it worth saving? Is there a part you played that needs to be addressed and corrected?

I don’t wish this situation on anyone. And, I say that embarrassed of parts I’ve played in all scenarios. Make a choice that you, not your friends and/or family, can live with.

Good luck out there!

Sex II

I am sexual and sensual.

I enjoy every part of sex.

I believe there is no better opportunity to connect to someone than making love to them. I repeat making love, not a f@#%, and not just the physical part of sex. The actual act of expressing love is incredible.

I miss that when I’m not in a committed relationship. I don’t do the casual thing.

In the moment, in the act, I’m a talker, the words I can get out through shallow breaths. I don’t direct though. I compliment. I ask for things. I offer things. I express gratitude. I even laugh, when something is funny. And, I swear. I swear a lot, and I use all the words!

I’m also submissive. I’m a tough chick in most every other aspect of my relationship, and it takes a strong man to handle my personality, but sexually I’m submissive. It just seemed natural to relent control. And, I aim to please. I find the more I focus on him, he focuses on me. We aren’t trying to hurry and take care of ourselves out of fear of missing out. We are just enjoying the moments as they come.

I have fun.

Who are you sexually? And, is it satisfying you and your partner? If not, it’s time to make some adjustments. You have to start by figuring out what’s keeping you from being totally satisfied. Be honest and realistic. Then you need to ask him. Then y’all need to have a conversation, naked in bed, where you commit to making some changes in your sex life. Choose your words carefully. You aren’t out to insult each other. It’s an opportunity to grow sexually.

Try this…

Sex should be a build up.

Start with light touches long before you’re even in a position to do anything. Let you hand linger on his shoulder or back. Lock gazes, stare for a moment, smile, and look away. Whisper completely inappropriate things. Set the mental mood.

By the time you are ready for sex they will be all over you. Undress your partner, and let them undress you. Lay them down. Ask them what they want. And, DO IT!!! Do anything they want, within reason and your comfort level. You two know each other, they aren’t gonna blow their orgasm making stupid requests. And, enjoy doing it. Enjoy pleasing them.

Afterwards, talk about it. Compliment each other. Ask for more. It’s that easy.

Enjoy yourself. Have fun with sex.

Pregnancy scare

I’m too old for this.

I’m great with my birth control. I’m fantastic at tracking my cycle. I rarely make mistakes. James changed me. Actually, I never make mistakes.

So imagine my surprise when my start date came and left with no festivities. Huh? This doesn’t happen to me. Sexual mishaps cost me $44. Even with my birth control, any mistakes require the morning after pill. I’m that particular about motherhood. Again, as in my post Baby?, I love being a mom. But, my next kid needs to come with a family. If you want me to grow your seed, you need to put a ring on it.

The current situation, I have 4 of the 7 early pregnancy symptoms, per the internet. I have failed a couple pregnancy tests though. And, now I’m gonna have a glass of wine. Because I’m stressed enough without adding the possible pregnancy with the man that’s no longer speaking to me.

Disclaimer: A missed cycle can be linked to many things. And, my other symptoms of fatigue (work is killing me right now), food aversions (I’ve always been a quirky eater), and frequent urination (I’ve started drinking more water to get healthier), can be attributed to life.

Life Lesson: The moment you convinced yourself of something, it’s easy to create ways to justify it.

Sex

Let’s talk about sex, part one. I wish this was open forum instead of just me blowing smoke up your crawl. But, here goes…

I think sex is a BIG deal. I think it is about connecting with and pleasing yourself and another person. I don’t think it should be taken lightly. All that said, it’s fun! It should be fun, but it should also be taken seriously.

I don’t have casual sex. There are times in my life I would be rationalizing my opposition to my own statements, but right now this is my truth.

Sex is a pleasurable experience between two people. It’s a way to solidify a relationship and build on it. That’s what it is to me, at least. And, if and when you take off the protection, that’s establishing a connection that’s not meant to be casual.

Let me back up and say I believe in safe sex. I think that as sexually active adults we should be taking every precaution to protect ourselves from the threat of communicable disease, unplanned pregnancies, and heart break. We should have sex with a clear mind and heart, not under the influence of lust or desperation.

Find a level of control sexually. Don’t give up your power, and allow someone to persuade you to do things you know you aren’t comfortable with. Have a voice. Have convictions. Have fun!

Are you experiencing love, lust, or obsession?

I’ve dropped the L word about 2nd Chris a few times. Ummm…maybe not, I don’t know. Is it possible to love someone who doesn’t treat you well? Is it possible to really fall into a one sided relationship, honestly? Or, is there some deficiency that your lack luster relationship is feeding in you? Are you mistaken on what emotional needs are being met? I think it’s ALWAYS worth asking yourself if it’s love, lust, or obsession.

James was 100% lust in the beginning. Again, we appeared in each other’s lives when we both were starved for attention. We were having a good time without expecting consequence. Our relationship grew and developed to a point of love, but it took years. That was never the intended direction.

2nd Chris may have been obsession. I’m still not convinced I didn’t love the man, but I’m questioning why I tolerated some of the stuff I dealt with. I was physically attracted to him from the word go. And to have that reciprocated in such a major way was amazing. (I’m not the coke bottle I used to be. I’m closer to a liter bottle than a vintage glass these days. I struggle with feeling sexy and desirable. In my head, I weigh 1000lbs.) I was head over heels crazy about the way he wanted me. I never wanted to give that feeling up…obsession. We needed intimacy…lust. And, there’s no limit with me. I just want the best for him. I want him to feel appreciated. He often talked about the responsibilities he held in other people’s lives. He is so needed; I wanted to be the one who valued him beyond what he provided…love. Or, am I being a chameleon again? Am I gonna say we are perfect for each other next? Who knows, but that’s doubtful!

Are you experiencing love, lust, or obsession? It’s a valid question. And, you have to figure that out to determine if you’re in the right relationship. Obsession will fade or be replaced. Lust may last forever, but real relationships require more depth. Love is elusive. We are all desperate to catch it. And, because of that desperation we often confuse something else for it.

I think love is something that comes organically as a feeling. It’s not created in deeds. And, it should not be difficult. It should be peaceful and comfortable. You should question anything that isn’t. Be honest with yourself, and get the most out of the relationship you’re in.

Obsession is never healthy.

Lust can be fine if everyone is on the same page.

No Fashion, Just Feelings: RELATIONSHIP Failure

I originally posted this at stylechatic.wordpress.com, January 18, 2014. It was a part of my “No Fashion, Just Feelings” series before I started this relationship blog.

[I wrote this in a very emotional place. It was following the crash and burn of a relationship that I was really invested in. However, it was general in nature. I’d fallen for some of the same antics I’d fallen for before, and I was just calling them out.]

I’m over 30, and another birthday is creeping up fast.

I’m finding in my progressing age that I’m still struggling with this male/female relationship thing. I recently sacrificed the right guy for the wrong guy. Again. I’m half ready to do the commitment and marriage thing, but I’m also terrified. The ridiculous, dumb at life, boys are safe, but they are bound to disappoint me. And, they do. Even when we have “an understanding,” they seem to find a way to disappoint me in a way I couldn’t have imagined. Wait, nah I saw it coming. I just didn’t expect it. Wait, nah I kinda expected it. I didn’t want it to happen. Confirm. I wanted us to be “better than that.”

What’s happening that as adults, comfortably in our 30s, we don’t know how to interact?

Me. I’m scared to want commitment and marriage too much when I can’t trust that the men around me are in the same place. I’m scared to not have a man on deck, to trust the man I’m with, or even imagine there’s love on the horizon. I’m scared that the fairy tale really is just a fairy tale. Even the women around me who got it all don’t seem to like it. What’s really going on?

Me. I think the men that sound genuine are just running game.

Me. How do I get a man, marriage, and one more baby in 2 years if the entire dating pool is tainted? I’m almost 33, and the pregnancy game changes at 35. I have a huge biological clock ticking in my ear and satisfying its aggression is beyond my control. I’m screwed. And, I’m not gonna take anything. I’ve been doing the single mom drama thing, and no more. I’m not gonna be tricked. I’m not gonna go for anything. We have to be kismet, blessed, and soul mates before I walk down any aisles or have any babies.

Him. He doesn’t mind filling my uterus. Sure, I’ve gotten a handle on this motherhood thing, and I’d be great at starting again. But, he never mentioned the relationship part. And if you’re so vain you think this is about you, nope you are constantly being repeated through my life with the same words and different faces.

Him. He refuses to communicate. He doesn’t even realize it. He’s so scared of the possibility of a “scene” he lets a misunderstanding turn into Armageddon.

He looks for greener grass. He refuses to accept when he loves me.

I’m tending the hell out of this garden. I can love him and his faults.

January 20, 2014

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