Newborn and giving up.

6/22 I’m writing this with my newborn son on my shoulder. It’s been one week, two hours, and seventeen minutes of me being a mom of two. He’s perfect, and I’m faking normalcy.

7/27 My baby is now 6 weeks and 1 day. We’re side by side in the backseat of a car. We took a mini vacation to Memphis. It was challenging. It was an adventure. We’re in the last hour of the drive, he’s tired of the car seat, he wonders why I’m not taking him out of it, and I’m typing this with one hand while I hold his pacifier with the other.

But, he’s absolutely perfect. He’s happy and curious most of the time, but he screams his head off when he’s hungry. And, he expects his pacifier to be available 100% of the time. Doesn’t matter if he wants it. He wants it to be available. We have 6 pacifiers. He’s training me well. Again, I’m holding his pacifier in his mouth this moment.

I’m madly in love. I’m mother to 2 beautiful boys, 13 years apart, and almost identical twins. My heart is full. I can barely contain my happiness, even during 3A feedings and poop filled diapers. Life is good. I’m very blessed.

I can’t seem to wrap my mind around what’s happened in the last year. The break up. The pregnancy. The baby. Nothing was part of the plan. I give up.

And, I don’t give up in a negative way. I give up making decisions regarding love. I give up being sure of anything. Because my happiest moments were being single and open to whatever happened. I was free.

Right now, I don’t want to be a wife, or a fiancĂ©, or a girlfriend. I just want to have a few dates, eventually. I just want a handful of compliments and a few conversations a week. It’s easy, and it lacks decisions.

New Year

I notoriously say, I don’t make resolutions, I make decisions.

Some things never change. And this year, I’m making the decision to take care of myself. Like really take care of myself. I’m putting myself at the top of my priority list. And, I’m focusing on the things that make me truly and genuinely happy.

1. I love being Blaise’s mom. Love. But, motherhood is hard. It’s so incredibly hard. And, I pray over my role as a mother every single day. I just want to give motherhood more of my time. I want to be present for my son more. I want to realign MY priorities.

2. I want to be healthier. I started to figure out this healthier lifestyle stuff last year. I started moving in the right direction, but I struggled making a full commitment. I wanted to have it both ways, and that’s not realistic. I’m taking care of MY health and MY body.

3. I have some major plans, and my finances need adjustments to ensure that’s all possible. Major adjustments. Like a reintroduction to what it means to save. So, I’m reading and researching everything I can find to educate myself. I’m budgeting. I’m figuring it out. I’m taking control of MY finances.

Ultimately, I want to take ownership of my life. I want to be a more committed and confident mother. I want to balance my finances. I want to take control of my health. I want to be happy, for real.

I want 2018 to have ALL the follow up that these other years intended.

Easy enough, right?

Online Dating

Online dating, ummm…it’s not really my thing. Well, I’m not good at it. Feels like a meat market. And, I find myself questioning why the guys I don’t even want to interact with don’t get past the viewing stage. Over active ego, yep that’s me. Maybe we both knew that the nudge, wink, flirt, etc would have been lost on me anyway. And, I respond to EVERYONE. As a southerner, I find it rude to not speak back, but in the online dating world that’s equal to false hope. Ugh! Where is the handbook? Oh, there’s no beginners guide? SMH

I’ve dated a couple guys. I thought that getting to know them through other means would give me different results. Not so much.

In theory, online dating should be great for the single mother. We are busy multi-taskers that need options. We need as many things on our own terms as possible. So having the freedom to review possible suitors while doing laundry, dishes, or cooking dinner is perfect. Or, at least it should be. But, there’s a level of commitment that isn’t always being reciprocated online. Some men talk a good game, but they’re only looking to hook up. You have to be careful of that.

Is it worth it? I don’t know. If you are recently getting back into the dating world for whatever reason, or in a new area, this could be a good option to meet new people and/or have some casual, practice, dates. It can even be a way to make new friends. (I made a great friendship from an online dating disaster.)

Online Dating DON’TS:

Do NOT meet in a private place. Much like a new man you meet at a bar or elsewhere, you don’t really know each other. There’s no reason for him to know something as personal as where you live, and vice versa. Don’t meet anywhere you are uncomfortable. Only have meetings in well-lit, public, areas.

Do NOT feel obligated to have sex. If that’s what you went into this arrangement expecting, ok. But if you’ve been hooked into thinking it’s a traditional date, you can keep it that way.

Do NOT be afraid to ask him what he is looking for. Unless you are dating for sport, this is a valid question.

Do NOT be afraid to say no, or say nothing. Speaking is free. Agreed. But, in the online dating world it can also be misleading. And, no one can make you share any personal information with them.

Do NOT misrepresent yourself. Be who you are! Again, BE WHO YOU ARE! Don’t hid from your truth, but put your best most current foot out there.

Be wise. Be strong. Be smart.

Disclaimer: There’s sometimes a stigma attached to online dating. It’s for the lonely, desperate, or those looking to “hook up,” right? Not necessarily, no more than the assortment of people trolling bars and hot spots. Sometimes it’s just an option when the other options haven’t worked.