Then he said…

So the other day I’m out shopping, and this guy approaches me. He’s handsome, but with just enough imperfections that I felt comfortable in my used-to-be-white v-neck tee and destructed denim.

First it was just him asking my opinion about the beer, in my cart, I wasn’t really sure I was going to buy in the first place. Then, it was obvious flirting. He told me I had beautiful eyes. He leaned in to read the “Ray-ban” on my glasses and complimented my choice. He smelled amazing. And, I noticed the Ray-ban aviators hanging on the crew neck of his tee shirt. I smiled and said, “great minds think alike.” We laughed a little.

Then he said the one phrase that stopped our relationship before it started.

“My name is Chris.”

What?!

I said, “it’s nice to meet you, Chris. Have a great evening.” And away I went, pushing my cart at a steady jog.

I need another Chris in my life like I need a hole in my head.

Disclaimer: I have already had dysfunctional relationships with 2 men named Chris. You have to get to a point that you realize it just doesn’t work.

Everything mentioning 2nd Chris by name. But there’s plenty of other entries hinting at him.

Everything mentioning 1st Chris by name. It’s a much shorter read…

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Emotional Cheating v Physical Cheating

Emotional Cheating: establishing an emotional connection, beyond just a friendship, with a person outside your relationship. Confiding in another person, spending unnecessary amounts of time interacting with that person, discussing personal topics with that person, and hiding this relationship, or the complexity of it, from your partner are all signs you’re in an emotional relationship with someone else.

I think it’s easier to recover from emotional cheating, if everyone is honest. Typically this cheating is due to a deficiency in the relationship. It’s probably not intentional. With counseling or communication, this cheating may be overcome.

What led you here? A person in a healthy relationship wouldn’t allow themselves to be pulled into an emotional relationship with someone else, not a person truly concerned with the longevity of the relationship they’re in.

What needs aren’t being met in your current relationship?

Why did you go outside of your relationship to fulfill them? Or, why did they?

Physical Cheating:

This is harder to explain away. It’s intentional at some point. And, it is either attention seeking or because the cheater doesn’t care. They don’t care about disrespecting their relationship or their partner, and often guilt comes after being found out.

Physical cheating breeds repeat offenders. There doesn’t have to be any problems in the relationship for this to occur. They may just need opportunity.

What if it’s attention seeking? Did the emotional relationship go to far? Can your current relationship get back on track?

What if they just don’t care? You’re most likely dealing with a serial cheater. They will cheat because they wanted to. In that moment, they couldn’t see anything outside of fulfilling their own wants and/or needs. Can you trust them again? Are you willing to stick it out?

When faced with a cheating situation, the most important thing to do is communicate. What happened? You need to know what happened to figure out if you can move forward. And, sticking it out can be an option. You have to make decisions based on how you feel about your relationship. Can it be saved? Is it worth saving? Is there a part you played that needs to be addressed and corrected?

I don’t wish this situation on anyone. And, I say that embarrassed of parts I’ve played in all scenarios. Make a choice that you, not your friends and/or family, can live with.

Good luck out there!

“So, I’m dating a widower. And, it feels like a competition.”

Whoa.

If you are competing with his deceased wife, YOU WILL LOSE!

In death, most people become saints. Her sins have been forgiven, and he’s going to mourn her forever.

You are still around to make mistakes. You lose.

This was all prompted by a conversation I had with a friend recently. She’s involved with a single dad who lost his wife during child birth. And although she does what she can to support them, it’s often met with accusations of wanting to replace the deceased, primarily by her family.

Step back. If you love him, and this child, you will wait when needed and give them the time necessary…all parties involved (this means her family). This doesn’t mean you leave the relationship or take unnecessary hits. It merely means that you tuck your feelings in, and don’t make the mourning about you.

Easier said than done? Quite possibly.

Sex and the City, the fantasy

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#borrowednotstolen http://metrouk2.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/sex-and-the-city-interior-design.jpg

Watching Sex and the City…again.

I get it now. Here I am in my 30s, watching for clarity. Back in my teens, I was just trying to be cool.

And, clarity is what I got.

We don’t all win.

5 or so years of hoping, and wishing, and thinking, and praying for her man. Carrie got him. Did he realize she was the love of his life, or did she just wear him down?

I imagine they divorce later, and she ends up on another girls’ vacation wondering why he can’t love her the way she loves him. I don’t believe it works.

Because their relationship sucks. He pushes her away, pulls her back, doesn’t miss her until someone else appreciates her, and expects her to be around forever. And, she does. And finally, years later, he marries her. He finally marries her? She waited, and it paid off? Unless, they’re divorced out there in TV land Manhattan. They probably are.

Don’t wait. I’m pointing at you, with 3 fingers pointing back at me. Don’t wait and hope for the best. Don’t spend 5 plus years expecting appreciation. He’s showing you who he is TODAY. He’s treating you with the value he sees in you. Don’t hold your breath expecting TV happiness. This may be all he has to offer. Is it enough?

If you can survive in less than you desire, have at it, but if you are often disappointed and questioning what you’re doing with him…RUN!

And, I deleted the remaining episodes from my DVR. It’s almost time for my regularly schedule programming to resume to waste the space.

Too much real life happening for Carrie Bradshaw-esque fantasies.

Good luck out there!