Can you give in to what’s happening?

I had a conversation with the ex, the other day, about what tore us apart.

Long story short, you could’ve had everything if you just gave up some control and submitted to what was happening between us.

Instead you controlled everything. You micromanaged everything. You refused to let your guard down enough to trust my intentions. You held your feelings in so tightly I couldn’t fit in your life.

And, I couldn’t do this any longer.

So here’s my unsolicited advice, go for it in the next relationship. Experience the journey. This will be life changing. Relationships are designed to change us. We grow from our experience.

My last relationship, before the last relationship, was emotional chaos. I spent so much time trying to figure out what just happened, what was happening, or what was going to happen I often struggled to enjoy the moment. It was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, and wandering where we were headed. It was exhausting.

It launched this blog.

I had to get out of my own head. He was an emotional rollercoaster, disrespect and disregard where the norms. I stuck it out for way too long.

He taught me a lot though. I am a different person because of what that relationship showed me about myself, what I’m willing to accept, and what my wants and needs are.

I don’t regret it. I appreciate the journey. There were good times, and although the rough times caused me to bend, nothing in our relationship caused me to break.

He was a part of the journey. I submitted to the journey, and I’m better for it.

The short of the long is take the journey. Enjoy the moments. Put your guard down. Feel the feelings. Lose control.

Nothing is promised to us. This could all be over in the blink of an eye. Just have the experience and learn the lesson. It’s all a part of your journey.

Key word today was journey. I overused it 6 times. 🤷🏾‍♀️😏

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Insanity

We broke up, but we didn’t stop the rollercoaster.

So when I say what I won’t do, I’m obviously lying. Because, I’m still doing it. I’m still in this cycle. I’m doing the same thing again and again, and expecting a different outcome.

This is extreme foolishness or irrationality. I’ve gone mad. I am the definition of insanity.

And, I’m exhausted.

I don’t even know if I want to win, or if I’m really in it anymore. I’m just going through the motions hoping to not slip into the relationship vortex.

Which means, I’m running around the edge of the vortex, in socks, on a waxed floor. I’m out of control.

How did we get here? How did I get here? When did I give up and give in? When did I stop fighting for myself?

I don’t know.

I stepped into the past.

I’ve been training for a new job. Spent time in my exes home town. Drove the same streets I drove back when I was in love with him. Emotionally drug me back into that place. Literally sat in my new red Jeep remembering when my old red Jeep went straight where I turned right.

Wow.

I didn’t expect a place to drag me back to an emotion like that. But, I hadn’t been in his area since the last time I was there with him.

Sheesh.

We didn’t work out because we weren’t supposed to work out. Right? We’re both better apart than ever together. Right? We weren’t a destination, but just a part of the journey. Right?

Right.

Maybe this caught me off guard because of the stress my new gig has caused recently. Maybe it’s the lack of closure. Maybe it’s just me looking for a way to add chaos into calmer times. I don’t know.

It ended for a reason.

I wasn’t right for him.

He wasn’t right for me.

Journey.

Not the destination.

Right?

Right…

Black Panther

I took my parents to the movies last night. It was the first time we had all been to the movies since The Color Purple, in 1986.

And, that’s such a cool memory for me…however vague it is. I sat, and slept, on my dad’s lap watching The Color Purple, at Joy Cinema, 32 years ago.

Last night, you would’ve thought I financed a major event. I was beaming all night. How cool it was to take my parents to the movies! We saw BlackPanther, and they loved it!

This is the best movie experience of my life…tied with The Color Purple.

#WakandaForever

We broke up.

Yep. We broke up. We are two individuals. No longer a couple. No longer a team.

We came to a realization. We were both miserable. Loving each other. Enjoying most of our time spent together. And, waiting for the chaos to unfold.

It needed to end. We need space. We need an opportunity to go our separate ways. If we are led back to each other, great. If not, it was an interesting run. Either way, if we stop this now, we can still be civil. We can even be friendly, and we can eventually be friends.

If we stop it now.

If we continue going this way, we will hate each other. There will be no going back. It will be too far broken.

That would be a loss.

Too often people stay too long. They beat the hell out of that dead horse. They hold on to a relationship for an outside reason. Finances. Property. Comfort. Kids. They make each other miserable because they don’t have guts enough, or resources, to let each other go.

It’s sad.

We freed one another, and it feels good to be free.

Update: I held on to this post for days. Felt too real to admit I’d failed at another relationship. But then the realness hit. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t going to be happy. The relationship was over. We weren’t compatible. I was done.

What I know:

I’ll never date another man without kids. He can’t understand parenthood and sacrifice the same way.

I’ll never lose my voice again. If I’m not being heard, then I’m talking to the wrong person.

I won’t give more than I’m getting expecting him to catch up.

I won’t allow myself to follow blindly.

I won’t allow myself to be talked down to.

Hello 37!

Every year, I assume this is the year I’m gonna figure it all out. I go into it with clarity and focus, and then things start to slip. LOL.

This year is different. I don’t have a big plan or any major agenda. I’m going to enjoy the ride. I’m going to explore what I don’t know, and be insanely confident in what I do know.

It’s that simple.

There are so many beautiful things to enjoy, and I’m not taking myself too seriously. I’m gonna loosen the reigns and appreciate more moments. I’ve been way too tightly wound.

I just feel so sure that I didn’t make it 37 years to fall apart now. So relax. Calm down. Enjoy the show.

My actual birthday, January 24, was amazing. Thanks to everyone who sent me birthday well wishes. I appreciate it much more than you know.

XOXO

Disclaimer: This picture was taken on my birthday vacation, with a fresh blow out to counter the saltwater attack. Thanks to Emma from Scotland, in the cruise ship salon. It was right after lunch, cool air blowing from every direction, and totally relaxed reading (the Gideon series from Eric Jerome Dickey) and watching the Gulf of Mexico off the back of the cruise ship. Spent the day before trying out a variety of Cuban cigars, having a delicious margarita, standing in clear blue waters, and haggling over unnecessary purchases all in somewheresville Mexico.

God is good. Life is good.

Here’s to 37.

And just like that…

It was over.

I’m single again. One minute I was someone’s girlfriend, and then I wasn’t. I went from talking about forever to being single in a moment. It’s hard to grasp. It’s a lot to process. I’m not sure how to manage this.

But, I’m okay.

No one died. Our lives go on in new and interesting ways. We move forward. We continue to grow. We face new teachable challenges. We chase new goals. We do everything we’d planned, just apart. And, that was a call I made. I set us free.

Update: I didn’t set us free. I just loosened the rope holding us to each other. We were so tightly bound, but not as tight anymore. I have no idea what the future holds.

And just like that…the saga continues.