I have given unconditional love. I’m actually quite good at it. I’m from a family that never throws you away. I have a gang of aunties and family that never quite divorced in the divorce. Love is a tie that binds forever. It is unconditional.

I subscribe to that. I believe in that. If I ever loved you, don’t doubt that my love, at some level and wave length, is forever. That’s guaranteed.

That probably sounds like a contradiction, but it’s not. Because, my relationships have conditions. I’m not going for just anything.

Prompted by a conversation, of course. She loves him with no limits. They have two kids together. There’s no ring. There’s been no question.

No judgement. Many of us are standing in our own pile of shit.

He hasn’t fully committed. May never fully commit. One foot in the relationship family. One foot in his bachelorhood.

She loves him unconditionally though. They have two kids. It’s been off and on for seven years. She doesn’t want to let him go for him to straighten up for the next woman. She’s just gonna keep holding on?

Don’t do this.

Put conditions on this relationship. Have requirements. Demand the standard, and expect more based on what y’all have established as the blueprint of your relationship.

Conditions are okay. We expect them with everything else. Look for them. Respect them.

Because, if he can’t get on board with a healthy relationship, you need to move on anyway.

So love with your whole heart, but handle your relationships with reason and respect, too.

It’s all going to work out. I promise.


I don’t want you to realize how valuable I was once I’m gone. Love me now.

The exes are popping up like whoa. Enjoying the moments, but hating them at the same time. Another “I wish I knew how good you were at the time.” Huh? Fool.

I’m happy you let me go. I’m happy I escaped. I’m grateful for the lessons learned, and the trauma I won’t let go of. You changed my life.

Now, I’d like to end this walk down memory lane.

Because no one wants to hear how amazing they were after the fact, NO ONE. Should I thank him?

All that time I was right there in front of you, being sacrificed, unappreciated, disrespected you disregarded me. I’m only worthwhile now because I was strong enough to leave. Confidence IS attractive.

I’ve seen a ghost.

“I have just seen a ghost.”

Is that an appropriate statement when the exe you NEVER thought you’d see again pops up? I mean he wasn’t dead. He’s not even lost. I’ve known his general geographical location. He’s just been lost to me. So, he’s kinda been dead for years.

So yeah, I’ve seen a ghost.

How did I react? I think ghost sightings are standard run-tell-that situations. I’ve run, and I’m currently in tell-that. I have no idea what comes next. I’m not even sure I want to entertain a full conversation. I just don’t know.

He said I’m the one that got away. When? When you pushed me away? Is that what you mean? It’s as if we were in two drastically different relationships.

What’s new? What’s next? We’ve already been here. We’ve already done this. It’s gotta be drastically different to venture this path again. Seriously, I can’t travel this road again. The destination is bullshit.

it’s that simple

Depressed. That’s where I stood, am standing even, if I’m honest. And, I hate that. It infuriates me to admit. I’m writing something I can’t even speak.

I was lost. Never hopeless, but struggling to find the hope. Having a hard time, to say the least.

One of my closest friends, we are the epitome of sisterhood. Our relationship spanned the distance of both time and space, we had been going back and forth between support and need.

I was threadbare. Full autopilot. Getting through my days on muscle memory and motherhood. Because regardless of how I feel as a woman or an individual, I always find the strength to be my sons’ mother. God’s grace in action.

It took months before I recognized this as depression. Fully functioning, though. Crying without fully realizing it was happening. All of a sudden feeling tears on my cheeks. The rut that I was working inside of, but couldn’t get out of. I didn’t know it was depression when you were still in control, for the most part.

Being attacked by people who didn’t have the right. Being disregarded by people who shouldn’t. And, at the mercy of those that had the power. It will drive you just shy of insane.

This is the totality of the last few months. I’m probably speaking someone else’s truth, too. I’m probably telling someone else’s story.

I say this because I want you to know we’re going to be okay. It’s that simple. It’s not easy. It’s not over. But, I’m praying without ceasing because it’s all I have left to give. And, it’s that simple. It’s going to be okay.

I promise.


Deja vu

I was asked what makes me qualified to write this blog. Qualified? Qualifications? None. Zero. I just have an opinion.

I’ve been engaged twice. Both times I was in my early twenties. They actually both happened within a couple years of each other. Never in a grandiose way.

I called off both engagements. The first I just wasn’t feeling it. The second one because I found out I was pregnant. By him. But, I just wanted to focus on the pregnancy. Then it went wrong and we broke up.

Talked about marriage a few times. Seriously twice. But, there’s no one I’ve ever dated that I could see forever with. Crazy. I have loved and been loved. I have been connected, attached, and committed, but always with some reservations. Always a bit withdrawn.

I have made more mistakes than I care to mention. More failure than I want to relive. I’m not qualified to tell you shit more than what not to do. That’s it.

Continue at your own risk.

Just know, I’m honest. I’m gonna give you my side. I’m gonna tell you how I felt. It’s raw. It’s real. And, I’m sharing. This blog is my diary. Never meant to destroy anyone. It’s my process.

I thank you for reading. Because when I feel totally alone and stupid. One of you tells me you read it. You get it. Damn my qualifications, we just get to be real together for a moment. And, that’s everything!

Like and share. Tell a friend. ❤️


I hollered. Fanned myself. Had to lay down. Fixed myself a drink. Drank it. Repeat. Cried it out. Showered. Drank more, straight from the bottle. Oiled my scalp. Pulled my hair from the root. Screamed. Prayed. Sheesh. This is everything. Infinity. Amen.

Because I hate to lose, even if I don’t really want to win. And, I get overly attached early on. Many times it has developed into a connection, but often not. Maybe that’s why I fight so hard. I allow it to consume me. Maybe that’s why when I’m done, I’m done. I wasn’t that connected in the first place.

I thought I had something in my last relationship. I almost immediately felt this chemistry with him. We seemed instantly connected. I wanted this to work. He was kind. He showed immediate interest. Genuine interest. Q/A. He shared about himself and his life openly. We talked about goals and desires. We talked about fantasy and childhood. It was a lot.

I was falling for this guy. I had a strong connection.

Then a switch flipped. Everything I appreciated started to disappear. Less and less communication. Less and less attention. Less and less of everything.

I questioned it. I was connected. I wanted to figure it out. I was committed to fixing it. I wanted things back the way they’d been.

He told me I was imagining things. We were good. I was creating a problem. I was being ridiculous. Why can’t I just accept that we love each other and let this progress naturally?

Love doesn’t feel like this.

I became manic. This was the attachment. It kicked in at full speed.

Was it me? What changed? When did it change? What happened? Hindsight is 20/20, right? Let me play everything back. Let me profess my emotions. Let me explain my intentions. Let me fix this.

Nothing worked. And, the more I found the more I didn’t want to go back. This man wasn’t who I thought he was.

But I’d introduced my sons. I need to maintain a connection, right? I mean I don’t introduce many men, and I don’t want to seem like there’s a revolving door on my love life. So, yep, let’s be cool. Social media, a few text messages, FaceTime on holidays. Do exes do that? Can we be those people?

Of course, he said. We’re friends, he said.

But none of that was sincere.

I’m okay. I’m disappointed that I allowed my attachment to lead this far. I put my guard down. I thought things were worth fighting for when they weren’t. I allowed someone into my life that wasn’t genuine, and that happens. But when your spirit says something isn’t okay, move on.

I connected to him early, but I became attached and didn’t want to lose again when it started to go south. I fought to win a prize I would probably have been miserable having.

Attachment will wreck your life. Connection feels different.

FYI: No hate. I’m not mad. I could have walked away at any time. I made a choice to continue in the chaos.

It just didn’t work. It’s okay. No hard feelings.

What if?

My thoughts…

I listened to my online sermons today, read my scriptures of the day, and have again seen the entire internet. The one thing that keeps standing out to me is the insistence that we not go back to life as we knew it. My knee jerk reaction is to fight against that theory. I mean I live a pretty good life. I have a great family. I work with great people. And, I often find myself in mediocre relationships that feed my blog. I want to go back.

But I find that insight is found in looking at the opinion or view opposite of yours. Step into the other person’s shoes. See the other side. So I’ve done that today. What if everything changes?

What if the people that matter most to me get more of my time? What if I’m more present with my family? What if I continue to put my phone down at dinner? Watch comedy specials with my oldest? Play on the floor with my youngest? What if I continue to invite my parents over for dinner? Or, make enough just in case?

What if I continue to be compassionate with my staff? Ask them how things influence or impact them? What if we have more conversations that have nothing to do with work? What if I can be more vulnerable with them? What if they start to feel they can be more vulnerable with me?

What if I continue to stand up for myself in relationships? What if I continue to speak my peace even when I know I won’t like the outcome? What if I keep letting the wrong relationships fail if they aren’t feeding me? What if I demand that I’m valued?

What if I change my entire life by only allowing the right people in?

What if I let this situation change me? I’d love to value and embrace more and direct less. It’s felt so good to laugh when something is funny and not edit myself based on how I should behave. I like getting to know people based on them and not their title.

Just my thoughts. I’m hoping that when this is all over, I’m different enough to be better than before.

I need to be taken care of.

I’ve probably said this before…a time or two.

I need to be taken care of emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, and financially. The man I choose, has to be able to take care of me in all those ways.

Let me explain.

Emotionally, I’m sound. I’ve done the work. I’ve learned through trials and tribulations. I’m complete. I’m mature. I’m emotionally strong. Meet me where I am. Don’t pull be down with games and nonsense. Treat me well. Honor our relationship. Put energy and effort into this.

Mentally, I’m prepared. Bring me your intellectual best, listen to me, and appreciate my intelligence. Teach me anything I don’t understand. Challenge me. Hold conversations with me that prompt me to think differently.

Spiritually, I’m trying. Pray for me. Pray with me. Pray without me. Know that I’ve been praying for you before we even met. Be an example of kindness, compassion, and integrity.

Physically, I’m ready. I want compliments, intimacy, and passion in our relationship. Neither of us should ever feel tempted by the outside because of the work we are doing to fulfill each other inside our relationship.

Financially, I’m working. I’m working at work and at home. I’m trying to establish multiple streams of income, maintain solid credit, play this stock market game, all to build financial stability for this family. Meet me where I am, or guide me to better. Do not slow me down. Do not steer me wrong. Period.

I need to be taken care of. It’s not because I can’t take care of myself. It’s because I fully intend to take care of you, too. This is supposed to be a partnership. We’re supposed to lean on and depend on each other.

What are you looking for?

Simple question. What are you looking for?

I was asked this recently. Brought on while venting about my relationship. Fussing and complaining. Trying to figure out why things are inconsistent. Why can’t it be easier?

Them: “What are you looking for?”

Me: “I want communication, passion, intimacy, and honesty, and consistency.”

Them: With a chuckle. “That’s it, huh?”

Me: “This is all easy shit. I’m not asking for anything complicated. I’m just looking for effort.”

Them: “Give me just one thing.”

Me: “Effort.”

Them: “Effort?”

Me: “That’s everything.”

Them: “I guess.”

Me: “Without putting forth the effort, none of the other stuff will happen.”

Them: “Are you sure you don’t want desire? Without desire, there won’t be any effort.”

Me: “I guess I expected the desire to already exist.”

Them: “Starting at step one?”

Me: “Desire.”

So that’s it. I want desire. I want an overwhelming amount of desire that drives our relationship through everything else I named. Because, I give every bit of what I’m asking for. I give it at 100%…until there’s no reason for me to give.

I’m just going to say whatever I want to say.  

This is good shit. Take notes.


I’m doing what I want to do, and I’m saying whatever I want to say. Because, life is too short for regrets. 

So, to the guy that is convinced he broke my heart. Whatever. You obviously aren’t ready for what I’m bringing to the table. And, the evidence of you being deceitful was a hard pill to swallow, but I swallowed it. Done, and done. 

Funny thing, there are probably 3 of you that think this is about you. Because you all brought foolishness to the table. And, all of you will probably live in shallow lackluster relationships for years to come because you aren’t mature enough to figure out how to man up. 

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. 

To the other guy, I liked you so much. I mean so incredibly much. You could have been the guy, but you aren’t. You messed this up, and that’s on you. That’s solely on you. And I would never go back, because I could never trust you again. I could never be happy with you again. So as much as I like you, I can’t stand your ass. 

Again there are probably 3 of you, 2 on repeat, that think this song is about you. Because. You’re. So. Vain. 

Side note: This feels great…like afternoon margaritas, white queso, and fajitas great! First parking space, great! Sweet green grapes, on sale, great! New LV bag as a gift, with the receipt, great! Radio station paying off your car, mortgage, or whatever, great! This is great!

I want someone who is attractive, in a ruggedly handsome way. Yep I said it, and I said it first. Even though we should never say it. We shouldn’t put looks to high up on our list, because looks will fade. There has to be more. And, I want there to be more. I need there to be more. I need someone patient and understanding that I can talk to, too. But, I WANT someone I enjoy looking at while we talk. And, that’s important. 


Patience and understanding are important. They are deal breakers.

Smart, and can hold a conversation. Someone who recognizes basic grammar. That writes with capitalized letters and uses punctuation. Someone who is familiar with a comma. 

TRUST!!! I have to be able to trust you. If I’m going to walk through this life being led by you, I have to believe it won’t be off a damn cliff. You know?

Be a man of your word. Have integrity. Stand for something. Stand. For. Something. Don’t be well in your 30s waiting for your “boys” or your mama to make your decisions. Duh.


Damn. I was seriously on one. Who hurt me? Why? Sheesh.

However, I’m feeling it. I’m feeling 100% of it. I’m totally right. I deserve a high five, a gift, or something.

That trust piece is still so relevant. I was speaking with a friend of mine not too long ago about being a submissive woman. He didn’t think I could be submissive, and I was telling him that woman should only be submissive to men they trust to lead them. I’ve been submissive before, and I regretted it. The man I submitted to, wasn’t prepared to lead us. His actions didn’t match his words, and I had to keep stepping out of submission to lead us out of chaos. The next time, it would have to be for a man who shows characteristics of leadership. Your penis doesn’t make you a leader. It just makes you male.

In conclusion, this was my unapologetic truth. Probably written while frustrated. Probably saved because I didn’t want to come across aggressive or bitter. I don’t know, but I’m humored and proud. So, I’m posting it.