Allow me to reintroduce myself…

I’m a tough chick. I’m not everyone’s type. I’m not everyone’s speed. I’m not for everyone’s liking. But if you appreciate and can handle me, the pay off is huge. 

I’m loyal to a fault. I’ll fight for you. I’ll support you. I’ll stand in your corner. I’ll have your back. I’ll be honest with you. I’ll hold your hand. And, I’ll be the shoulder you need.

I am also upfront. I tell it like it is. I have full scope of my emotions. I think twice before I react, and I try to always use logic far before feelings. I speak clearly, and I alway repeat myself at least once to ensure I never have to say it again. 

I look at every side of every situation. I pride myself on being fair. And even though I’m typically unemotional, I respect and consider other people’s emotions. 

I try to do what I say I’ll do. I’m reliable. And, I apologize if necessary. 

I’m a born sales person. I work hard for what I believe in. I never think I’m wrong, but I’m open to being proven different. I don’t fold if there’s something to fight for. 

And, I stay ready. 

I usually don’t toot my horn, but I took a character hit this weekend. And, I feel like I have to defend myself. 

You don’t have to have me in your life. Actually, please kick me out of your life if you find it difficult to deal with me. Save yourself from me. Save me from you. 

I will never apologize for who I am, and if I’ve already explained myself to you this is one more time too many. 

And for you, I’ve been a simpler version of me. I didn’t want to push to hard or be too much. Trying to be a more delicate version of myself. No more of that, though.

You didn’t appreciate me watered down. You can’t handle me full flavor. 

I was breaking in half. 

Yesterday, was a bad day. It started off just fine, but progressed to crazy by the end. I was feeling overwhelmed. I was spinning out. I hadn’t been in this place in a long time. 

I’m sleep deprived. I’ve been having headaches. My love life is out of whack. Work is work. I’m contemplating major projects. Finances are stretched. And my tough girl, I don’t need anyone, persona is cracking. 

I try to be supportive of everyone in my life. I give a lot of myself. But, I’m not good at asking for help when I need it. When I do muster up the courage to ask, and it’s not totally made available, it’s heart breaking. 

I called you, not because I thought you needed me. I called you because I needed you. I was breaking in half, and I wanted you to hold on to me until I could mend myself. 

He did. He pushed me to tell, let me cry it out, gave me advice, and promised that it would get better. He told me to have faith when faith was the last thing I was thinking of. 

And, today started out better. 

Maybe he’s a magician. 

Little hiccups and chest high walls

Had a little hiccup with the new guy. Yes, already. And, usually it would be just enough for me to go running in the opposite direction. I still have on my running shoes, but I haven’t taken off yet. 

New guy and I made plans. We’d made plans a few times, but something always got in the way. So finally we nailed down a time and date. We committed to it. No matter what, come hell or high water.

And when the time came, he was MIA. I had a lot going on in that moment. It was okay for me to extend my prior plans. I didn’t miss a beat in my own entertainment, but I did have a thousand different emotions around him not following through.

Was it me? Did he notice all the flaws I’m constantly picking at and decide I wasn’t worth the effort? Did he see my bad outweighs my good? Did he find out I’m still dealing with some misplaced emotional shit with the ex? Was he just pretending to like me in the first place? Did he go back to his ex? Had I read too much into what was going on?

I don’t know. But, I took it incredibly personal. There’s was no other way to take it.

He didn’t even seem to notice. He shrugged off my mention of it. Never apologized. Never owned it. Never gave an explanation. Until…I point-blank asked. It was polite, but aggressive. I needed an answer.

Turns out it was circumstance, bad signal, and avoiding the issues. He’s was out with his family. Mothers Day weekend, I’m sure everyone was in town. They were at the lake, doing whatever people do at the lake. He had no service. He lost track of time. All things I believe legimitely happened. But when you regained track of time and your signal returned, you should have made things right with me and our plans. Avoiding an argument? Blah. Blah. Blah. An argument is more likely to have been created by you avoiding me and the issue for the last 2 days. 

I’ve already done this. I’m not doing it again. I’ve already put myself through all of this. I’ve already felt all these feelings. Never again. I can’t spend the next, any span of time, feeling these feelings again. 

We talked. He apologized. I listened. I didn’t overreact. I didn’t under react. I picked my battles and this wasn’t one. It’s too early. It’s too new. I can’t handle the conflict. I’d rather stick with the ex and feel those feelings than start fresh. At least, I know it’s him and not me. At least, I know there’s a layer of love under the bullshit. 

So, we’re going back to the starting line. Starting over like nothing ever happened before. I’m gonna try to be open, but my wall is already up chest high. 

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Week 4

So if you read week 3, you know I spent 7 days undoing weeks 1 and 2. Actually more like 10 days. I didn’t recommit until around Thursday. 

Then Friday morning, I woke up with jack hammers in my head. Suffered through the end of the week with off and on headaches, nausea, and vomitting. Felt overwhelmed, stressed out, and like I was falling apart. I hate being sick. I hate anything that slows my pace and makes me feel out of control. No illness. No love. 

Still, I maintained a level of control with my eating. I didn’t go face first into any queso, and I gave away my back up cookies. 

I made major FitBit progress, won a couple challenges, and hit some personal goals. 

I hit some roadblocks with the new guy. Nothing major. It just started to move too fast. We were holding each other accountable. And, too many feelings got involved. 

There were also too many hopes and dreams dangled by the old guy. Too much emotional turmoil. Too many questions and feelings. 

It’s no wonder I emptied a bottle of Tylenol and killed off 6 k-cups and 3 Gatorades trying every headache remedy thrown my way.  It’s too much. 

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Week 3

Week 3 should be entitled midlife crisis. 

I had a major emotional meltdown, then I got a tattoo, then the kid and I applied for passports and planned a vacation. 

I met someone. I planned on him being a distraction. Someone to not necessarily rebound with, but to kinda rebound with. I imagined we would hang out, have some dates, and become friends. Easy enough. He’s cute. He’s charming. HE’S ATTENTIVE. This could work. 

Then the plan broke. Turns out, I like him more than friends like friends. This is substantial. He’s a big deal. 

So what do I do? I run from it all. I stop taking my supplements, head to my neighborhood tattoo and piercing shop, and top it all off with Tex-Mex. I avoid all my feelings and my health. 

“Pass me the queso. And excuse me ma’am, we’re gonna need more chips.”

End of week 3, the scale claims I put my weight back on plus a pound. It’s probably broken. We never see eye to eye. 

I have a massive, by my standards, tattoo on my forearm. It’s perfect and beautiful though. And, I’m trying to figure out how to tame my rouge feelings. 
I’m annoyed, and I’m frustrated with myself for starting this blog topic. Can I just go delete them all? No do-overs, huh? Ugh!

So midweek week 4, I ended my pity party. I sent all the party goers home. I threw away the new misery cookies and laid out the plan and supplements to get back on track. I can do this.