I want a wedding. 

  

Of course, I want a wedding.  I’ve been planning and designing it since I was a little girl.  Almost had one once. Asked to have one twice. Of course, I want a wedding.

I imagine styling my natural hair like something I’ve pinned from Pinterest. Maybe growing it long enough for a high bun or having it straightened like the old me. My make up will be understated. I want to look like me, but lots of lashes. I want my lashes to show in photographs. Individual lashes, nothing that screams falsies, done by a professional. 

I’ll wear diamond earrings. Something large, celebrity, and with the same cut as my engagement ring. Any other jewelry will be determined based on my hair, but I must have the earrings. 

My dress will be traditional, fitted. Classic with considerable beadwork or lace. And, I’ll wear flats everywhere but in pictures.

I’ll have just a few bridesmaids. I can only think of 3. They’ll wear different dresses based on their comfort level and body type. I really like olive green and coral. Something in one of those colors. We’ll make jewelry. Design it  with them. Make it with them. Sharing my passion. They’ll carry small bouquets in Fall colors. 

Fall wedding. I’m thinking late September to mid-October. 

My son will walk me down the aisle. He will wear a black tuxedo and white Converse. I love Converse. He doesn’t. Great opportunity to get him to wear them. I’ll pin a hot pink rose in his lapel just as the doors open for us. We will talk the entire way down. I’ll have a vintage handkerchief. He will have some  Kleenex in his pocket for me. He will tell me he’s happy. And, all my jitters will subside. We will stop at my parents. I’ll hug them both. And, they will all stand for me when the pastor asks who gives me to be married. 

The ceremony will be simple. Flower girl and ring bearer, but not all of those other roles. I know I want a soloist, but I have no idea what they would sing. I’m sure I don’t want any of those sand or water ceremonies. I hope my future husband isn’t counting on those. Also, no stand up comedy by the pastor. Romantic, comfortable, and simplistic. Straight to the point, and on to the reception. 

The wedding and reception will be at the same venue. Same room if I can make it work. No standing around. No waiting and boredom. As soon as we exit for picture taking and quiet moments, the music starts, appetizers round, and drinks start to flow. My husband, family, and wedding party get a little down time. We get a moment, but the party continues. No one notices I’ve stolen time with my new husband, taken a thousand pictures with the people I love, and I’m high-fiving my son in a corner because he wore the Converse and didn’t complain. 

Within an hour, we will make an entrance. Nothing too grand, I’m uncomfortable with too much attention. Shortly after, I’ll take the dance floor. My dad and I will dance, and Blaise will cut in. Then my new husband will cut in, the song will change to I’d Rather by Luther Vandross, and someone will announce our first dance. We will dance and talk about how perfect everything is, how we can’t believe we are pulling it all off, and how much we appreciate everyone coming. We will laugh, and he will spin me. Then everyone will join and we will dance until dinner arrives. And, we will dance again after dinner. And, we will dance until we cut the cake. And, we will dance again. Eventually, we will thank everyone who came. There will be wardrobe changes, make up updates, and garders and bouquets. We will do all of that too. 

I can’t decide if I’ll have a band or DJ. I’ve gone back and forth between the two. A band seems glamorous. A DJ seems much more practical. I don’t know, but probably a DJ. If so, he will have to dress better than DJs I’ve seen in the past at weddings. IJS

At the end of the night, we will all depart. My new husband and I will spend the night with close family. The honeymoon will be scheduled the next day. The family part will continue until then. Pictures will continue into the night. We will go to bed late, after more drinks, movies, and family fun stuff. We will be a family for awhile longer before we are just a couple on a vacation. At some point, teary eyed, I will declare that I married my bestfriend.

I can have a wedding, an incredible wedding even. I just don’t know how I feel about marriage. 

Love

  

I’ve been reading all these articles and stories about true love, everlasting love, and soul mates. I’d usually be turned off by these declarations, but lately I’m drawn to them. I’ve even teared up a few times.   Coming to this realization that although I haven’t felt these feelings, it’s doesn’t mean I won’t.

Not just yet, but soon…eventually. Inevitably. I’ll experience this love that people keep talking about. 

Single girls, those past what we deemed our prime, we aren’t down for the count. Our chance will come. If you haven’t felt that kind of love, if you haven’t experienced what it seems everybody else is describing, it’s okay. Your time just hasn’t come yet. 

God has a plan for your life that includes love. It may not look like what you expected or what you’ve envisioned, but it’s coming. And, it will feel drastically better than anything else you’ve ever felt. 

It can be hard to believe with break ups and disappointment coming from every direction, but I promise you it’s out there for you. It exists. It is real, and you will get to experience it. 

Sit back. Relax. And, be patient. Your time will come, in time. And, it will be incredible. 

This is what the end feels like. 

Again, How do you know when enough is enough? Yep, that question and all the questions it creates. 

This conversation keeps surfacing. When do you let go? When is enough, enough? That’s a hard question. It’s never the same answer for the same person. You just know when it’s time to let it go. But, you may have doubts. You may even second guess yourself at times, but when it’s over it just is. 

For me, it ended without fanfare. There were no emotional outburst, no tears, no regrets, and no long embraces. It just ended.

I had exhausted every emotion.  We were finally at the same place. We were both done. I rested well. 

That’s how you know it’s over. When you have relief and no regrets. 

I may miss things. I may even miss him, but everything happens for a reason. 

I thank God for the course. I appreciate the lesson. 

Cue the music. 

The bounce back…rebound to love?

I was recently talking to a dear friend. She’s gone through a break up, and it’s painful. He moved on quickly, and he’s calling it love. Painful for her? Understandably so. 

It has me thinking…

DANGER

If your ex is loving someone else right after your break up, there are 99,000 lies afoot. Seriously, I mean it. He didn’t genuinely love you, or he doesn’t genuinely love her. Moral: He’s not genuine. And, you’re much better off. 

Love isn’t painful. It’s sacrifice. It’s good intentions. It’s beautiful. Even in the hard times, it’s worth it. 

If you aren’t there. You don’t have love. You have something like it…wink. 

Love songs

Love songs are meant for weddings. I can’t remember ever listening to a love song and thinking, “Yep, that’s my relationship. That’s the epitome of US.”

I listen to love songs, much like I listen to the radio…mindlessly. I sing along with the words, memorize the melody, and have no idea what’s going on. They don’t speak to me. I’m not yearning for love through a song. I’m not jealous of what they found. I don’t even hear most of the words. 

But a sad break up song…AMEN!

I was driving back home after dropping my son off. 2 1/2 hours, varying speed limits, trapped in my Mini Cooper ALONE. The radio station, it took me 15 minutes to find, gave out as soon as I went back in the direction I’d come. 

Thank God for auxiliary cables and iTunes. 

I have this thing where I randomly pick from my artist collection and just listen to everything I have of theirs on shuffle. There’s a lot of good stuff that never makes it to the radio. And, I feel like the money I spent on the entire album is much better invested. 

Jazmine Sullivan, Fearless

“Lions, Tigers, & Bears”

“Bust Your Windows”

All I need is a good girlfriend to commerate with and a vodka and cranberry. She is singing my life…kinda. The stuff I think about, but can’t actually do because I’m protecting my clean criminal record. 

I knew almost every word to every song on the album. Was waving my hands, shaking my head, and hopelessly trying to harmonize. That’s what a good break up song will do for you. 

Who needs love songs…unless it’s that classic old school mix after the Electic Slide, while they’re serving us single girls cake. 

I. Am. Lonely. 

Yep, I’m announcing my loneliness. It’s the truth, but I am NOT desperate. No way. 

I live in the Houston area. I was put here in chaos, but I’m not bitter. Seriously, I’m not. This area has been good to me, for the most part. I’m learning a lot about myself from this situation. And, it’s gonna be okay. 

So…I left everything and mostly everyone I knew behind. Took an opportunity, packed my bags, and hit the road. And, then everything kind of fell apart. My son didn’t do well here. He moved back home, and returned to his normalcy. I stayed. I’m obligated. 

Again, I started dating a guy that I’d been dating. We were doing well, and then we weren’t. My uncle passed away. My dad had a horrible car accident. It was all in a matter of a couple of days. 

I broke in half. 

I realized that everyone I need and love is too far away. I felt incredibly alone. I was lonely. I am lonely. It was too much. 

So I felt like I needed people. I needed to be surrounded by people. I needed attention. And, I took dates. 

Bad idea. 

The people I wanted were out of reach, physically and emotionally. 

Bad idea. 

Bad date.  

Bad coping. 

And now, I just need to sit quietly. 

The gang is here. My brother and dad arrived today. My kid and mom are coming this weekend. The guy has a standing invite. And, I’ll be okay. 

Side note: Nothing happened when I took dates. It was coping, and even in loneliness I didn’t want to be kissed or touched. Thanks for the compliments and the dinner. Now, lose my number. I’m good. 

All or nothing?



All or nothing…is that how dating works?

So I’ve had enough encounters with the scheduled second dater. And, I’ve talked to the first dater a few times. 

Observation: I’m not good at dating. 

First dater:  We had fun. He was nice, attentive, and seemed genuine. He was also looking for more than I’m ready to give. During one of our phone conversations, he told me I was the kind of girl he could marry. “Awww, thanks.” That’s cool. I’m flattered. But then he says, “I’m serious. I’ve been looking for a girl like you. Am I the kind of guy you would say yes to?” Screeching halt. “Ummm…I’m really enjoying getting to know you.” Shoulder shrug. Then it got stranger. And, he even told me he was falling in love with me. Then I faked an incoming call and never called him back. He’s text me every day though. He’s a really nice guy, possibly a little crazy. And, I’m not ready for that type of extreme. 

Just a hot minute ago, I thought my last relationship was gonna be my last relationship. And, having a few drinks and dinner with you was supposed to just be a good time. We’ve only been on one date. Why are we making declarations? 

Stop. 

Second Dater: Ultimately, he wants nothing. Every conversation turned sexual. After we initially met, exchanged numbers, and made plans he told me I was beautiful. That’s awesome and stuff. Never had a problem hearing I was attractive. But quickly we were off my pretty face and traveling south to my chest and tush. Nothing. This is nothing. I’m not interested in jumping into your bed just because you said I was beautiful. I have mirrors in every room of my house, pal. 

So, I took dates…sorta. Didn’t go far with them. And, I will probably be sitting perfectly still while I figure out my life. Ugh.