Family

There’s always a moment for every single mother that she envisions the family she could have had, or should have had. And, with raging hormones and a new baby, it’s easy to convince yourself that it will, or should, work. It may be bullshit. Be careful.

I left for a reason. I left because I wasn’t happy. I was miserable. And, I can have all the feels, but I can’t let them drive me back into something I left for A REASON.

This is a new version of normal. I’m not going to get the mommy, daddy, two kids, two dogs, and a white picket fence. My package is different, ever evolving, and unique.

I’m still grappling with being a mom of two. The last addition I need to my basket of shenanigans is a relationship I don’t feel confident about.

When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, Blaise, I was engaged to his father. Almost immediately, I called off the engagement. Even young and naive, I knew I could only handle one major life event. I stepped away from the relationship to focus on my pregnancy. At the end, I realized the relationship was toxic, and I’d made the right decision. I mourned the loss of my son’s family. I was devastated, but always confident in my choice.

With my baby, I’d left his father months before I got pregnant. We were talking, trying again even, when I ended up pregnant. It’s been a lot to process. This wasn’t the story I’d written for myself, but my baby boy is as perfect as his older brother. And, he was meant to be. Selfish behaviors, know-it-all attitudes, and a refusal to be considerate kept his dad and I apart. They will keep us apart, forever. But, we have to figure out the parenting part, come hell AND high waters.

I don’t want to build a faux family for the sake of avoiding the stereotypes. I also don’t want to romanticize a relationship that will never truly happen.

Family comes in a variety of forms, and we have to be confident in the family we are creating, even when it’s unorthodox.

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Genuinely, Happily, Single

“There are people who are genuinely happy to be single, because past relationships were extremely exhausting!” -dearladyann

It’s me. I’m people. “There is Leandrea who is genuinely happy to be single…”

I would certainly describe my last few relationships as exhausting, among other choice words. And, they pushed me to a place I’d rather not go again for awhile.

That’s okay. I’m acknowledging that I’m gun shy, and I need a break. A long break of singledom. A long break of rest. I’ve earned this. I deserve this. I need this.

I wish I could bounce back in a way that made the past seem trivial. I’d like to believe I’m strong enough to just move on. Because long term was my goal, and single forever isn’t my plan. But, I barely escaped with my sanity. I bent totally in half, but I didn’t break. And, I need to recuperate.

This is the opportunity to renew myself mentally and emotionally. Heal from the trauma. Re-establish my needs, wants, and desires. And, date freely and have fun.

Low expectations. No expectations. Impressing me is necessary to move forward.

Newborn and giving up.

6/22 I’m writing this with my newborn son on my shoulder. It’s been one week, two hours, and seventeen minutes of me being a mom of two. He’s perfect, and I’m faking normalcy.

7/27 My baby is now 6 weeks and 1 day. We’re side by side in the backseat of a car. We took a mini vacation to Memphis. It was challenging. It was an adventure. We’re in the last hour of the drive, he’s tired of the car seat, he wonders why I’m not taking him out of it, and I’m typing this with one hand while I hold his pacifier with the other.

But, he’s absolutely perfect. He’s happy and curious most of the time, but he screams his head off when he’s hungry. And, he expects his pacifier to be available 100% of the time. Doesn’t matter if he wants it. He wants it to be available. We have 6 pacifiers. He’s training me well. Again, I’m holding his pacifier in his mouth this moment.

I’m madly in love. I’m mother to 2 beautiful boys, 13 years apart, and almost identical twins. My heart is full. I can barely contain my happiness, even during 3A feedings and poop filled diapers. Life is good. I’m very blessed.

I can’t seem to wrap my mind around what’s happened in the last year. The break up. The pregnancy. The baby. Nothing was part of the plan. I give up.

And, I don’t give up in a negative way. I give up making decisions regarding love. I give up being sure of anything. Because my happiest moments were being single and open to whatever happened. I was free.

Right now, I don’t want to be a wife, or a fiancé, or a girlfriend. I just want to have a few dates, eventually. I just want a handful of compliments and a few conversations a week. It’s easy, and it lacks decisions.

Options

“You always treated me like only you had other options.”

My actual words. Expressed in multiple relationships. I’ve even had the script flipped and eaten those words on an occasion or two. It’s real talk. Given to real people.

This was brought to mind speaking with someone else recently, and it just reminds me of where I’m currently standing. My last relationship failed. It’s okay. Don’t cry for me. I’m anything but devastated. I’m happy for lessons learned, and that I escaped almost unscathed. Nothing I can’t deal with long term.

He never truly adjusted, changed, or altered any behaviors for me or with me in mind. He was bull-headed. Right even if he was wrong. And, the smartest person he knew. Any time he ever changed anything for me, I did most of the work, while he announced the change, and went back to his initial ways shortly afterwards. Selfish is an understatement. Idiot is accurate.

He made things difficult, because he never thought I’d really leave. At first, I didn’t really. I took myself for granted. Saw his qualifications on paper and thought he was worth the fight. I was prepared to make sacrifices for someone who never considered making them for me. Wow. Jagged little pill. Swallowed hard. No chaser.

When I realized I rather be all alone, living single, enjoying life, than stuck, trapped, in a relationship I hated, it was simple to walk away.

I was done. I’d given everything I had to give. I’d tried with everything in me. I’d done my best. I felt at peace with my decision to leave him, because I knew I had other options.

Difference in me and him was that I knew he did too, and I wish him well.

Where’s your place?

Sometime late September…

Spent a number of days with the guy. Yep, the guy. Yep, it was over. Yep, we’re kinda trying. Yep, I’m not totally optimistic.

During our trek through 2 airports 2 different times, 3 time zones 2 different times, a hotel, a family’s home, 2 events, 2 marijuana dispensaries #forafriend, a pier, 2 malls, a beach…kinda, and ALL the LA traffic, I quickly realized I was walking behind him MOST of the time.

Most. Of. The. Time.

I was behind him most of the time. He left me walking behind him to a point of cutting in front of me to keep me in my place.

I’ve memorized his stroll. He walks on the outsides of his feet. Shorter stride to be so tall with long legs. Swings his arm similar to Shaggy from Scobby Do. Not as pronounced, but just as wide.

At the airport, I juggled my bags. Ended up with my purse, my carryon, my luggage, and almost myself spread out across the concrete sidewalk. He didn’t notice. He was too far ahead. Thankful for the kindness of strangers. An older gentleman helped me gather my things, ensured I was okay, and patted me on the back and smiled.

Thank you sir. Maybe I’m looking for your chivalry. It’s not dead, but you’re one of the last ones that’s got it.

And, the communication was lack luster. Mostly nonexistent. He only told me what he thought I needed to know. He left me in the dark often.

I didn’t fully realize this was happening until now. Realized yes, but not as bothered as now. This is major.

I expect the man I’m with to make a place for me, not expect me to fall in place.

I expect that if you invite me, you want me there. It’s okay though. Eventually, I’m gonna learn this lesson.

I don’t know, but I’m okay figuring it out.

It’s been a minute. If you know me, REALLY know me, you know that it’s usually because I’m making questionable choices. Seriously.

Basically, I’m at an emotional fork in the road.

Right before my last failure of a relationship, I’d just become super comfortable single. Seriously. I was dating freely with little to no expectations. I’d finally let go of the need to be committed. I was enjoying this chapter, or moment, of life. There was peace in my willingness to accept the right someone, but not needing anyone.

So, when I met the last guy, I was open.

Believing in God’s divine ability, I felt this must be the right relationship because of the acceptance that came before it. Isn’t that how it works? The moment you find peace and appreciate what you have, God gifts you what you’d been wanting. Right?

I went all in. And, it’s been a challenge.

I don’t want to rehash every moment, but admittedly I let A LOT of deal breaker shit go. I gave numerous chances with few results. I stayed frustrated. I ultimately got to the point of announcing I am NOT the woman for him because he’s not trying to keep me.

Meaning: You work hard for the person you want in your life. You make sacrifices. You are considerate and compassionate. You learn them, their needs and desires. You make room for them in your life.

I kept thinking that at this stage of life, I had to do this. I had to make this work.

There was love. There was a commitment. There were perfect family bonds. There was travel and adventures. There were laughs and love. There was a potential for a family and stability.

There wasn’t trust and respect. It wasn’t a partnership. I wasn’t in a partnership. He was so protective of himself, his money, his feelings, and his needs and desires that he could barely even see me.

And, I stayed.

He told me it was gonna be better. He promised there would be changes.

Short lived, at best.

And, I left…and I went back.

His focus on our issues needed to be bigger than his selfishness. That’s why I’m not the right girl. He will change for the right girl, because he loves her, because he doesn’t want to lose her, or because the timing will be right. Not me, because I’m not her.

And, it won’t just sound right. It will be right for me.

So, I’m single. AND, I have no idea what the future holds. I don’t know if I’ll again re-travel a road? Never causing unnecessary fires and burning necessary bridges. If I’ll do the single girl thing for a while? Or, if I’ll go and meet a new amazing guy to creat a whole new “#” for?

I don’t know, but I’m okay figuring it out.

And, I believe different from before. God was showing me more. I’d lowered my standards. Went through a rough relationship and begun thinking I was worth less…for a long time.

This was to show me my value. I got so much from this relationship that ignited this realization of what I should get from ALL relationships. It taught me so much.

Again, God used this lesson to position me in a place to receive something greater.

Both of us, I’m sure…in our own ways.

Why I went back…

06/30

I never planned to go back.

I may have even said I’d never go back.

Never say never.

I did go back, though. I went back because emotionally I wasn’t done.

He wasn’t done. He fought for me. He pulled me back. And, I allowed it. I wasn’t kicking. I wasn’t screaming. I was guarded. I am guarded. But, if it crashes and burns. I have no regrets. I have no doubts. I leave confident. It will be the final goodbye.

And, that was the agreement. If we go all in again, and it doesn’t work, we walk away. No friends. No communication. Nothing lingers. It’s done.

But, we have to go all in. We have to try. I have to try. I can be guarded, but I have to try.

Sheesh.

Okay.

07/23

I went back to realize that I shouldn’t stay.