You shouldn’t have to stay somewhere that you aren’t wanted.

This is for everyone. Both sides. The victim and the victimized…because perception is everything.

I was speaking with a co-worker about the current royal family’s woes. And, we concluded that if your wants and needs aren’t being met, you should be free to leave. Right? Right?

My relationship ended. Hard ending. Unfollowed on social media ended. How am I feeling? Devastated. Hurt. Exhausted. Set free. All of those. Each of them twice, or three times.

He stopped pursuing me. He didn’t want to do this anymore. He made a decision. I knew this. I saw it. I lived it, but when I questioned it he told me It wasn’t true. He was making me feel crazy, frantic, insecure, and like an investigative reporter. And, I always say that when it starts to feel like work and not progress, it’s already over. But I couldn’t really see myself pulling the plug. It seemed too final. Because I cared so much about him, and believed so strong in the future he’d described.

Sometimes it’s just not meant to be.

Happy that it’s done. Happy the bandage has been ripped off, and the wound has an opportunity to heal.

Hopeful that the next one, is the real one, and he and I can eventually be friends…friendly.

New Year and New Decade

I usually say I don’t make resolutions, I make decisions. This year is a little different. I feel compelled to commit myself to something. Maybe it’s because I think I owe back for my blessings.

I do.

Every time I felt like the situation was impossible, it worked itself out. God worked everything out. Time, and time again.

It’s been a good year. It’s been a good decade, and I owe back.

My guy asked if I’d written down my goals. I hadn’t. It’s not my thing, but I should. I should because I preach accountability at work. I preach accountability with my oldest son. And, accountability only exists when there is something for you to hold yourself accountable too.

1. Get my health on track. Not just weight. But honestly focusing on ensuring that I’m making healthy decisions, listening to my body, and going the extra mile for myself. Not with a fad program or supplement. I have to do the work.

2. Get my finances in order. I make enough money to provide for all of my family’s needs and most of our wants. But, I need to re-examine how I use my money. There needs to be more left over. There needs to be a more substantial savings, quality investments, and thoughtful spending.

3. Launch and/or relaunch my business. Between inventory and talent, I’m wasting my energy and money.

4. Invest in my relationships. Whether they be business or romantic or personal or professional I’m sure there’s something I could be giving back to the people that are important to me.

5. Appreciate myself. I’m giving it my all. I’m staying consistent. I’m working incredibly hard. I should give myself a break. I deserve to be complimented and not criticized, a little more often.

Maintain that energy

I don’t think that it’s too much to ask for you to maintain the energy you were on when you pursued me, when you get me. Seriously, if you come in the relationship doing X, Y, and Z, you should maintain that.

You shouldn’t pull a switch up. You shouldn’t change the dynamic. You should keep us going at the same speed you originally established.

It’s not too much to ask. It’s not. It’s really not.

When we first started talking, it was constant and continuous. We talked or text 90K times a day. It was romantic. It was humorous. It was real. We were learning so much about each other. Our time together was interesting and fun. I enjoyed being around you…him.

Then you (he) started to pull away. Responses became one word. Time became impossible. I asked what was wrong. You (He) made me think I was crazy. Nothing had changed? There are no issues? You’ve just been busy? Tired?

I started to match that new energy. I didn’t feel compelled to talk to you (him) either. I didn’t make time for you (him). I stopped trying too hard to find time for you (him).

We both became really comfortable without the other. It was a complete 360, overnight.

I fought for you (him). Little by little. You (He) resisted.

I gave up.

Moments after we started, we ended. It was all because you (he) changed your (his) intent. You (He) switched up the energy. You (He) changed focus, and I gave in. I got tired of trying, and I finally pulled the plug. There wasn’t anything left. You (He) pushed me away with both hands.

I’m not mad. Disappointed. Every new relationship we assume is the right one. You’ll get it right. It will work itself out. When it doesn’t, it’s a lot to process.

Oh well. I’ve been here before.

Disclaimer:

As always, this is directed at someone. And, he’s someone I was wildly attached to. Loved him. Sad it didn’t work out. Not saying never, but I can’t see a change. He just refused to try.

In his defense, a lot happened right after we started dating. He became a recluse in it all. I worried he may be a little depressed, and I wanted to stick it out to ensure he knew I had his back. But, the relationship started to make me doubt myself. I started to get jealous and self conscious. That’s when I realized we needed a major change, or I needed to walk away. And, nothing changed.

I love him, and I’m sad.

Appreciate me

I have been waiting my entire life to be appreciated. Like for real appreciated. Someone or some people that realize the value that I bring to their life or lives. Family, friends, or romance can someone just act like they value my contribution?

Prompted by some stuff going on at work. I feel like nothing is ever enough. Nothing. Is. Ever. Enough. And, it dawned on me that I feel like this from a lot of different directions.

I have a constant feeling of depletion. People just drain me in negativity, complaints, and favors. I’m feeling very used up, and I’m feeling trapped in that. Or, I have.

That’s my new relationship stance. I’m not going to be everything to anyone. I’m gonna give a little, and then I’m gonna take a little. I’m going to protect myself from depletion.

If you can’t make sacrifices and contributions, you can’t be here.

I still have a boyfriend.

I still have a boyfriend, but I remember why this wasn’t the plan. Relationships are hard. Relationships feel like drowning. I’m not enjoying myself.

I still like him. I’m still in the honeymoon phase of love, but the realistic side of me is already seeing the chaos. And, I’m not happy. And, I’m concerned that he realizes I’m not happy and isn’t moving mountains. Move molehills? Hell, stand up and move in the direction of a resolution?

I don’t know where the line is drawn of me being reasonable and unreasonable. I don’t know when I want too much or just enough. It’s complicated and overwhelming. I don’t know how to move forward.

So, I’m standing in place. Perfectly still.

I don’t want ANOTHER failed relationship, but I also don’t want another failed relationship. Same situation really. I’m either in it or not.

I do know that if you don’t tend to your relationship it will fizzle and die, or someone else will swoop in and do what you aren’t doing. I know that for certain.

Officially, I still have a boyfriend.

I have a boyfriend

I have a boyfriend. Yep. It happened. I didn’t expect it. I didn’t seek it out, not completely. I was open, and it happened. And, I’m happy. Actually, I’m hopeful. I’m open. We shall see.

There’s a part of me that’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. The last guy tricked me. I thought he was fantastic. He wasn’t. He really wasn’t. The guy before that got me, too. And, the one before that.

I’m the common denominator. Maybe I’m just gullible.

So, we shall see. I’m ready to see where this goes. I’m happy to see how this plays out. It could be the last relationship of my life, or another crash and burn. Either way, it’s a lesson. I’ll be changed by it.

FYI: This feels like the start of a series.

I am all those things.

06/13/2014

I am self conscious. I’m unsure. I’m scared. I’m horribly imperfect. I’m not in the right body. I’m not in the right head space. I’m terrified to end up alone. I feel unappreciated.

You can’t tell me anything about me, I’m living it.

“Here — tell these people something they dont know about me.” -Eminem 8 Mile

09/08/2019

There’s a part of reading this initial post that makes me really sad. I hate to think that I had that much negative shit to say about myself.

BUT, I get me.

These things are all still true. I’m sitting here rocking my baby in a t-shirt and my undies, committing to toning up my legs and core, losing weight everywhere, and strengthening my skincare regimen…maybe. I gotta get this shit under control.

I’m dating, but it’s new. Neither shoe has dropped, but I’m super cautious. Because, I believe all that stuff about myself, 100%, and I have a newborn to add to the list of red flags. I mean I don’t date guys with young children. Too much potential drama. Layer that on to thunder thighs and lingering post pregnancy acne, and I’m left wondering what the hell he’s doing pursuing me.

But, I get me. I KNOW me.

No one can attack me. I am my own worst critic. I’ve already analyzed the hell out of me. You can’t tell me anything I don’t already know.

The flip side to this imperfect body is that it brought two amazing boys into this world, thirteen years apart.

I support the people I love. I stand in the trenches unafraid, even when I’m feeling unappreciated.

My headspace is contingent on what’s happening around me. That’s fine. I can handle the ups and downs.

And although I am terrified to be alone forever, I can if I gotta. Single is a really comfortable place for me. Plus, I’m dating anyway. He likes me, genuinely, and I like him. And, if it crashes and burns, I’ll blog about it and move on.

Side note: I’ve decided to start trying to complete some of my many MANY unfinished blog entries.

This is the oldest draft I had. I started it shortly after I started this blog. I’m sure it came after a difficult moment dealing with the second Chris, and I was feeling both ready to fight and ready to cry.

Because, I’d probably just realized there was competition. She was thinner, with long legs, and a much tighter waist. And, she was a local to my almost two hour trek. They’d known each other longer. Despite their drama and insanity, he was invested. And, although I brought a ton of quality shit to the table, I couldn’t compete with those things. Those were big things.

In the end, neither of us ended up with him. We spent what I can only assume were, at least, months in competition, teetering back and forth between winning and losing. And, it was never worth the work or chaos. I decided not to ever again be in that situation. Dating competitions typically don’t produce a real winner, anyway.

And, never to judge myself against someone else’s scale. I’m a damn catch, with my intentional and unintentional curves and extra baby softness.