Fool me once…Fool me twice

Fool me once, shame on you. But, fool me twice and shame on me.

That resonated with me this week as I found my voice and officially left the chaos of my last relationship.

I tried to do everything right in this relationship. I gave over control when he was uncomfortable. I tucked away my own needs when they weren’t acknowledged. I listened. I behaved. I let go of everything that bothered me, to guarantee peace in the relationship.

I thought this would pay off. I thought it would get me everything I thought I wanted. Surely, this would get me down the isle and determine if more babies came into my life. I just had to do everything right. Silence my concerns. Mute my feelings. This can work.

I didn’t last. I felt smothered. I couldn’t breathe. So, I spoke up. I asked for what I needed. Continuing to try my best to maintain the sacrifices I’d committed to. I did my part. And, he agreed. He said yes. And, I continued. I wanted the marriage less, and I questioned the babies more. But, I’d committed. So, although I voiced my concerns, I didn’t say no.

Nothing changed. Nothing.

But, I stayed. I taught him that he didn’t have to respect my feelings. I taught him that I would give without demanding anything. I taught him that respecting me was negotiable.

I didn’t realize it, though. I thought we were on the right track. I just had to stick it out. The change was on the horizon.

We broke up. I put my foot down. Nothing changed. And, one day I realized that this was as good as it would get. I’d taught him that I was a joke. He’d fooled me again and again, and I had no one to blame but myself.

And, this was overwhelming. He’s a good guy. He’s a nice guy. He doesn’t mean any harm. But, he’s not my guy. Because my guy would have heard me. He would have changed what needed to be change. Or, he would have tried. I’d feel safe. I’d feel loved. I’d be happy, more than not. But, I don’t.

I feel ignored. I feel disrespected. I feel disregarded. I feel sad and hurt. I feel very lost at the end of this relationship, but I also feel very free.

Fool me one time, shame on you

Fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you

Fool me three times, fuck the peace sign

Load the chopper, let it rain on you

-No Role Modelz

J. Cole

Be careful

Be careful of the man who doesn’t respect your feelings.

Be careful of the man who doesn’t respect your child.

Be careful of the man who doesn’t respect your time.

Be careful of the man who doesn’t value your intelligence.

Be careful of the man who refuses to hear you, talks over you, and disregards what you say.

Be careful of the man who is emotionally stunted or broken.

Be careful, because it doesn’t matter how good other aspects of your relationship are, this man will never value you as an equal or treat you with respect.

Be careful, because this man probably lacks compassion, sympathy, and empathy.

Disclaimer: This is not a poem. This is not artistic. This is a warning. Be careful.

The only man, baby, I adore

I gave you everything, what’s mine is yours

I want you to live your life of course

But I hope you get what you dyin’ for

Be careful with me, do you know what you doin’?

Whose feelings that you’re hurtin’ and bruisin’?

You gon’ gain the whole world

But is it worth the girl that you’re losin’?

Be careful with me

Yeah, it’s not a threat, it’s a warnin’

Be careful with me

Yeah, my heart is like a package with a fragile label on it

Be careful with me

–Be Careful by Cardi B

I just want to be happy.

I just want to be happy.

I subscribe to the religion of happiness.

Happiness above all else.

Relax and be happy.

I’ve spent the last year breaking up with someone. A year before that, I spent three years with someone pushing me away.

It’s been a long five years. A really REALLY long five years. And, I’m exhausted. Wiped out. Over it.

I just want to be happy, find love, and live my best life.

And, I’m separating my happiness from love. They aren’t tied to one another. I know.

I know.

It’s just that love seems to keep screwing up my happiness. Hard to separate something that won’t separate.

IJS

Can you give in to what’s happening?

I had a conversation with the ex, the other day, about what tore us apart.

Long story short, you could’ve had everything if you just gave up some control and submitted to what was happening between us.

Instead you controlled everything. You micromanaged everything. You refused to let your guard down enough to trust my intentions. You held your feelings in so tightly I couldn’t fit in your life.

And, I couldn’t do this any longer.

So here’s my unsolicited advice, go for it in the next relationship. Experience the journey. This will be life changing. Relationships are designed to change us. We grow from our experience.

My last relationship, before the last relationship, was emotional chaos. I spent so much time trying to figure out what just happened, what was happening, or what was going to happen I often struggled to enjoy the moment. It was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, and wandering where we were headed. It was exhausting.

It launched this blog.

I had to get out of my own head. He was an emotional rollercoaster, disrespect and disregard where the norms. I stuck it out for way too long.

He taught me a lot though. I am a different person because of what that relationship showed me about myself, what I’m willing to accept, and what my wants and needs are.

I don’t regret it. I appreciate the journey. There were good times, and although the rough times caused me to bend, nothing in our relationship caused me to break.

He was a part of the journey. I submitted to the journey, and I’m better for it.

The short of the long is take the journey. Enjoy the moments. Put your guard down. Feel the feelings. Lose control.

Nothing is promised to us. This could all be over in the blink of an eye. Just have the experience and learn the lesson. It’s all a part of your journey.

Key word today was journey. I overused it 6 times. 🤷🏾‍♀️😏

Insanity

We broke up, but we didn’t stop the rollercoaster.

So when I say what I won’t do, I’m obviously lying. Because, I’m still doing it. I’m still in this cycle. I’m doing the same thing again and again, and expecting a different outcome.

This is extreme foolishness or irrationality. I’ve gone mad. I am the definition of insanity.

And, I’m exhausted.

I don’t even know if I want to win, or if I’m really in it anymore. I’m just going through the motions hoping to not slip into the relationship vortex.

Which means, I’m running around the edge of the vortex, in socks, on a waxed floor. I’m out of control.

How did we get here? How did I get here? When did I give up and give in? When did I stop fighting for myself?

I don’t know.

I stepped into the past.

I’ve been training for a new job. Spent time in my exes home town. Drove the same streets I drove back when I was in love with him. Emotionally drug me back into that place. Literally sat in my new red Jeep remembering when my old red Jeep went straight where I turned right.

Wow.

I didn’t expect a place to drag me back to an emotion like that. But, I hadn’t been in his area since the last time I was there with him.

Sheesh.

We didn’t work out because we weren’t supposed to work out. Right? We’re both better apart than ever together. Right? We weren’t a destination, but just a part of the journey. Right?

Right.

Maybe this caught me off guard because of the stress my new gig has caused recently. Maybe it’s the lack of closure. Maybe it’s just me looking for a way to add chaos into calmer times. I don’t know.

It ended for a reason.

I wasn’t right for him.

He wasn’t right for me.

Journey.

Not the destination.

Right?

Right…

Black Panther

I took my parents to the movies last night. It was the first time we had all been to the movies since The Color Purple, in 1986.

And, that’s such a cool memory for me…however vague it is. I sat, and slept, on my dad’s lap watching The Color Purple, at Joy Cinema, 32 years ago.

Last night, you would’ve thought I financed a major event. I was beaming all night. How cool it was to take my parents to the movies! We saw BlackPanther, and they loved it!

This is the best movie experience of my life…tied with The Color Purple.

#WakandaForever