I don’t know, but I’m okay figuring it out.

It’s been a minute. If you know me, REALLY know me, you know that it’s usually because I’m making questionable choices. Seriously.

Basically, I’m at an emotional fork in the road.

Right before my last failure of a relationship, I’d just become super comfortable single. Seriously. I was dating freely with little to no expectations. I’d finally let go of the need to be committed. I was enjoying this chapter, or moment, of life. There was peace in my willingness to accept the right someone, but not needing anyone.

So, when I met the last guy, I was open.

Believing in God’s divine ability, I felt this must be the right relationship because of the acceptance that came before it. Isn’t that how it works? The moment you find peace and appreciate what you have, God gifts you what you’d been wanting. Right?

I went all in. And, it’s been a challenge.

I don’t want to rehash every moment, but admittedly I let A LOT of deal breaker shit go. I gave numerous chances with few results. I stayed frustrated. I ultimately got to the point of announcing I am NOT the woman for him because he’s not trying to keep me.

Meaning: You work hard for the person you want in your life. You make sacrifices. You are considerate and compassionate. You learn them, their needs and desires. You make room for them in your life.

I kept thinking that at this stage of life, I had to do this. I had to make this work.

There was love. There was a commitment. There were perfect family bonds. There was travel and adventures. There were laughs and love. There was a potential for a family and stability.

There wasn’t trust and respect. It wasn’t a partnership. I wasn’t in a partnership. He was so protective of himself, his money, his feelings, and his needs and desires that he could barely even see me.

And, I stayed.

He told me it was gonna be better. He promised there would be changes.

Short lived, at best.

And, I left…and I went back.

His focus on our issues needed to be bigger than his selfishness. That’s why I’m not the right girl. He will change for the right girl, because he loves her, because he doesn’t want to lose her, or because the timing will be right. Not me, because I’m not her.

And, it won’t just sound right. It will be right for me.

So, I’m single. AND, I have no idea what the future holds. I don’t know if I’ll again re-travel a road? Never causing unnecessary fires and burning necessary bridges. If I’ll do the single girl thing for a while? Or, if I’ll go and meet a new amazing guy to creat a whole new “#” for?

I don’t know, but I’m okay figuring it out.

And, I believe different from before. God was showing me more. I’d lowered my standards. Went through a rough relationship and begun thinking I was worth less…for a long time.

This was to show me my value. I got so much from this relationship that ignited this realization of what I should get from ALL relationships. It taught me so much.

Again, God used this lesson to position me in a place to receive something greater.

Both of us, I’m sure…in our own ways.

Why I went back…

06/30

I never planned to go back.

I may have even said I’d never go back.

Never say never.

I did go back, though. I went back because emotionally I wasn’t done.

He wasn’t done. He fought for me. He pulled me back. And, I allowed it. I wasn’t kicking. I wasn’t screaming. I was guarded. I am guarded. But, if it crashes and burns. I have no regrets. I have no doubts. I leave confident. It will be the final goodbye.

And, that was the agreement. If we go all in again, and it doesn’t work, we walk away. No friends. No communication. Nothing lingers. It’s done.

But, we have to go all in. We have to try. I have to try. I can be guarded, but I have to try.

Sheesh.

Okay.

07/23

I went back to realize that I shouldn’t stay.

Fool me once…Fool me twice

Fool me once, shame on you. But, fool me twice and shame on me.

That resonated with me this week as I found my voice and officially left the chaos of my last relationship.

I tried to do everything right in this relationship. I gave over control when he was uncomfortable. I tucked away my own needs when they weren’t acknowledged. I listened. I behaved. I let go of everything that bothered me, to guarantee peace in the relationship.

I thought this would pay off. I thought it would get me everything I thought I wanted. Surely, this would get me down the isle and determine if more babies came into my life. I just had to do everything right. Silence my concerns. Mute my feelings. This can work.

I didn’t last. I felt smothered. I couldn’t breathe. So, I spoke up. I asked for what I needed. Continuing to try my best to maintain the sacrifices I’d committed to. I did my part. And, he agreed. He said yes. And, I continued. I wanted the marriage less, and I questioned the babies more. But, I’d committed. So, although I voiced my concerns, I didn’t say no.

Nothing changed. Nothing.

But, I stayed. I taught him that he didn’t have to respect my feelings. I taught him that I would give without demanding anything. I taught him that respecting me was negotiable.

I didn’t realize it, though. I thought we were on the right track. I just had to stick it out. The change was on the horizon.

We broke up. I put my foot down. Nothing changed. And, one day I realized that this was as good as it would get. I’d taught him that I was a joke. He’d fooled me again and again, and I had no one to blame but myself.

And, this was overwhelming. He’s a good guy. He’s a nice guy. He doesn’t mean any harm. But, he’s not my guy. Because my guy would have heard me. He would have changed what needed to be change. Or, he would have tried. I’d feel safe. I’d feel loved. I’d be happy, more than not. But, I don’t.

I feel ignored. I feel disrespected. I feel disregarded. I feel sad and hurt. I feel very lost at the end of this relationship, but I also feel very free.

Fool me one time, shame on you

Fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you

Fool me three times, fuck the peace sign

Load the chopper, let it rain on you

-No Role Modelz

J. Cole

Be careful

Be careful of the man who doesn’t respect your feelings.

Be careful of the man who doesn’t respect your child.

Be careful of the man who doesn’t respect your time.

Be careful of the man who doesn’t value your intelligence.

Be careful of the man who refuses to hear you, talks over you, and disregards what you say.

Be careful of the man who is emotionally stunted or broken.

Be careful, because it doesn’t matter how good other aspects of your relationship are, this man will never value you as an equal or treat you with respect.

Be careful, because this man probably lacks compassion, sympathy, and empathy.

Disclaimer: This is not a poem. This is not artistic. This is a warning. Be careful.

The only man, baby, I adore

I gave you everything, what’s mine is yours

I want you to live your life of course

But I hope you get what you dyin’ for

Be careful with me, do you know what you doin’?

Whose feelings that you’re hurtin’ and bruisin’?

You gon’ gain the whole world

But is it worth the girl that you’re losin’?

Be careful with me

Yeah, it’s not a threat, it’s a warnin’

Be careful with me

Yeah, my heart is like a package with a fragile label on it

Be careful with me

–Be Careful by Cardi B

I just want to be happy.

I just want to be happy.

I subscribe to the religion of happiness.

Happiness above all else.

Relax and be happy.

I’ve spent the last year breaking up with someone. A year before that, I spent three years with someone pushing me away.

It’s been a long five years. A really REALLY long five years. And, I’m exhausted. Wiped out. Over it.

I just want to be happy, find love, and live my best life.

And, I’m separating my happiness from love. They aren’t tied to one another. I know.

I know.

It’s just that love seems to keep screwing up my happiness. Hard to separate something that won’t separate.

IJS

Can you give in to what’s happening?

I had a conversation with the ex, the other day, about what tore us apart.

Long story short, you could’ve had everything if you just gave up some control and submitted to what was happening between us.

Instead you controlled everything. You micromanaged everything. You refused to let your guard down enough to trust my intentions. You held your feelings in so tightly I couldn’t fit in your life.

And, I couldn’t do this any longer.

So here’s my unsolicited advice, go for it in the next relationship. Experience the journey. This will be life changing. Relationships are designed to change us. We grow from our experience.

My last relationship, before the last relationship, was emotional chaos. I spent so much time trying to figure out what just happened, what was happening, or what was going to happen I often struggled to enjoy the moment. It was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, and wandering where we were headed. It was exhausting.

It launched this blog.

I had to get out of my own head. He was an emotional rollercoaster, disrespect and disregard where the norms. I stuck it out for way too long.

He taught me a lot though. I am a different person because of what that relationship showed me about myself, what I’m willing to accept, and what my wants and needs are.

I don’t regret it. I appreciate the journey. There were good times, and although the rough times caused me to bend, nothing in our relationship caused me to break.

He was a part of the journey. I submitted to the journey, and I’m better for it.

The short of the long is take the journey. Enjoy the moments. Put your guard down. Feel the feelings. Lose control.

Nothing is promised to us. This could all be over in the blink of an eye. Just have the experience and learn the lesson. It’s all a part of your journey.

Key word today was journey. I overused it 6 times. 🤷🏾‍♀️😏

Insanity

We broke up, but we didn’t stop the rollercoaster.

So when I say what I won’t do, I’m obviously lying. Because, I’m still doing it. I’m still in this cycle. I’m doing the same thing again and again, and expecting a different outcome.

This is extreme foolishness or irrationality. I’ve gone mad. I am the definition of insanity.

And, I’m exhausted.

I don’t even know if I want to win, or if I’m really in it anymore. I’m just going through the motions hoping to not slip into the relationship vortex.

Which means, I’m running around the edge of the vortex, in socks, on a waxed floor. I’m out of control.

How did we get here? How did I get here? When did I give up and give in? When did I stop fighting for myself?

I don’t know.