Can I handle something casual?

So, I typically write about relationships. And, that’s kinda been my thing. I’m a really good girlfriend. I’d probably be a great wife, too. It’s just not my desire. I don’t want that today.

Don’t want, or can’t handle?

That’s another entry.

What about something casual? DTF? FWB? Me? IDK?

I explored this phenomenon. I didn’t go all the way, as if I owe anyone the details, but I did try the casual lifestyle. Lighthearted texting, brief calls, and dates that were more drinks no dinner.

I like it! Why would anyone do anything more than this?!

I owe nothing. I don’t have to do anything more than just show up when I want to. I don’t have to provide any moral support, cook any meals, or meet anybody’s mama. I just laugh at dumb jokes, have my bar bill handled, and get to have protected sex if the mood is right.

This works for me. It’s right in my life, right now. Except there’s no one providing me any moral support either. I’m giving all the physical parts and missing out on all the emotional parts.

Shit. And, I though it was foolproof.

Maybe I need to let the dust all settle and pursue that golden girlfriend title. Might even let someone drag me down the aisle. However, today I will emotionally support myself, pray it all away, and let the physical needs be the priority.

Protection

It’s funny the way God protects you.

I dealt with this man, off and on, for a decade. A whole, entire, 10 years. In that 10 years, we never worked out. It was always chaos. It was always difficult.

I didn’t understand that I was being saved.

In this decade, this man started off better than he ended. His life never promoted beyond the first year. Everything slowly fell apart. Each year ended harder than it started. Where would I have been? What would this have done to the path I was on?

God protected me from his journey.

That’s a protection we can only see in hindsight’s 20/20 clarity. Because I was in it with him at times. Close enough to be compassionate. Far enough away to never be impacted. I wondered why life kept dealing him these hard hands. I refused to see the part his own decision making played in his life. I loved him. I was so madly, deeply, in something like love with him. All of his ridiculousness looked logical…well justified.

I never want to love like that again. I thought that love was left in my teens and twenties. I was/am far too old for blind affection.

It’s true that God’s decisions are covered in favor. When he steers you away from someone, count it as a blessing. My aunt said to me today, “while we are looking at the next 5 minutes, God is looking at the next 500 years.”

Amen.

Parent/Child/Caregiver/Dating/Friend Relationships

“You haven’t really posted in awhile. What’s going on?” I was asked by a regular reader while picking up some necessities at Ulta. I had my head down, checking “notes” in my phone, to ensure I’d gotten everything I needed.

I looked at her. Smiled. Then felt bad that I hadn’t maintained my blog. I love writing. I love discussing relationships. I don’t have near as much romance going on as when I started this. I was newly in my 30s, no mortgage, just one child, and actively dating. BUT, I still have a story to tell.

I’m a completely different person now. I’ve seen some shit.

My focus now is on developing my relationships. Figuring out how to grow and change in them.

Things are different.

I’m seeing someone, but I’m not. (If you’re reading this, don’t be offended by that statement. We haven’t had the “what are we” conversation. I’ll blog again after we do.) We’re defining things as we go. It’s light and casual. He understands that I don’t have a lot of time, and he’s being patient. He won’t wait forever. He won’t think I’m always worth this amount of effort. That’s fine. Hopefully I’ll figure things out before we get there. Or not. I’m not overthinking this.

I’m still the 41 year old mother of both an almost 3 and 16 1/2 year old. I still have a full time job, support my oldest son’s business, pay these bills, take care of these people, and have a dog. And now, my dad lives here. I’m his caregiver, his assistant, and his maid.

It’s a lot. It’s so incredibly much. When I tell you I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m. Tired.

And, my house is a mess. And, I’m cooking almost everyday of the week. And, this isn’t who I am. Was?

This is almost verbatim what I told her. I was playing with my hair. Loving the cut and struggling with the loss of 12 inches of my security blanket.

“Well, your hair is cute.” She said digesting my life story.

“Thanks.”

“Listen, post when you can. I’ll be waiting, but you have your hands full. I’m not rushing you.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ve been there. It’s a lot. Take care of yourself.”

And, then she hugged me. It was genuine, and awkward in these corona times. My eyes got misty. It was so…nice.

So, here’s my post. That’s the update. I’ll try to do better. I’ll discuss all my relationships. I’ll keep redefining the blog as my life changes.

XOXO

Infertility.

I’d both raved and complain about my job as a mother the first few times we were in each other’s presence. I have the obnoxious ability to work my children into any conversation. I’d made motherhood a part of my identity, and I expected everyone to just get it. Then I met a women dealing with infertility.

That isn’t part of my journey. I don’t understand.

Do I?

I don’t.

I couldn’t enjoy my last pregnancy due to the miscarriage before it. I lived in 38 weeks of fear. But, it all worked out. I don’t know how you feel. I thought I did, but I don’t. I can’t possibly understand, not fully. Not truly.

Infertility. You are in your early 30s. No bad decisions to question. No devastating medical reason or hereditary issues to blame. Just the hand you were dealt? Ummm…okay. Do you have a thousand questions? Are you furious at God? Should you have gotten a second, third, forth opinion?

I’m so out of line. Nosy. Obsessed.

She was kind.

She provided patience and education. She gave insight and calmness. She’s been on this journey. She has accepted this amazing life that she has and everything she offers. Her womanhood, individuality, and strength are tied to her presence not her fertility.

She taught me that my identity isn’t tied to my being their mother. It’s a part of my whole. And, women can be whole without that part.

Thank you Fatima.

As I ignore the romantic relationships, I’m really focused on the other relationships in my life. They all help shape us.

Rabbit. Rabbit.

Rabbit. Rabbit.

The list of title choices included:

1. Happy New Years! New year, new me? Not quite.

And as usual, 2. I don’t make resolutions. I make decisions.

Or simply, 3. HAPPY NEW YEARS (emoji emoji)

It’s been a long day. I went back and forth about making a post, and decided I needed this. I need to reflect. I needed to be grateful.

2021 taught me so many things about my decision making. I said no to things I’d typically say yes to. I was determined and sure of myself. I had a voice.

I never reentered a relationship. That made for a dry blog but a peaceful life. I recognized that I need to wait for what I want. I need to feel confident entering into next. I’m not bitter. I’m not desperate. I’m at peace. And, I’m kinda talking to someone.

I started a business. I changed careers. I saw my finances have more stability than ever before.

2021 was about establishment, growth, and calmness. I made it to the next chapter. I’m in the next journey.

I am excited to see what 2022 brings. This is beautiful.

I feel confident for us. God is navigating an incredible path. We’re gonna be greater than good. We are going to thrive. I’m so excited about the future.

Side note: Spent the day quietly with my sons. Had to check the oldest one’s attitude and accountability. Had to let the little one push boundaries, before I reined him back in. If this is the forecast, I’m ready.

What happened to conversations?

I hate to be one of those people that says technology killed human interactions, but maybe.

I have had both in person, online, and text conversations with the opposite sex recently, and I’m not impressed. At all. Not even a little.

3 completely different men, in varying situations, and I was unimpressed each time.

Number 1

My least favorite was the man who text me a simple greeting. Something like, “hi there. How are you today?” I responded something just as simple, “doing well. How are you?” And he simply says, “I’m good.” No question. No engagement. Nothing to keep the conversation moving.

So, that was it. I didn’t say anything else. Hell, I put the phone down.

Days later. I get this crazy text trying to insight some type of passionate response. At 9A he sends, “you ain’t talking to me no more?” I look, and I again put the phone down. The younger, more petty me, would have said, “who dis?” But, nah. I just let it sit until noon, and then I responded, “huh?”

“You done texting me?” He asked with both a thinking and tongue out emoji.

At first, I was ready to explain to him how he let the conversation die. There was no follow up question. Nothing to initiate conversation. No golden nugget to spark a back and forth. But, nope. I just sent back, “???”

He replied quickly, same minute as me, “it’s like that?”

I was then officially bored with our interaction. “I’m not sure what you’re talking. I’m texting you back now.”

Little more exchange, and then everything just fell off again. Same way, literally. HRU and answered. HRU and answered.

Conversation died. Honestly, it had nothing to live for.

I expect this game to have a few more rounds. We shall see.

Number 2

Lunch date. Easy interaction. Quick meal. Smooth conversation. In and out.

Awful. Terrible. No good.

Everything started fine. Restaurant notorious for fast service. We’d both been there before. No long decision making. I ordered food that was easy to eat. I wasn’t going to be fighting sauces down my arm or on my blouse. No soups to slurp. Using my fork, but having more than a salad. I’ve thought of everything.

Started the conversation easily. No major topics while we waited for our food to be served. “How’s your day? How’s work? Big plans for the evening/weekend?” Standard stuff.

He dove in hard! Politics. Religion. Parenting. Last relationship. Finances. No pauses. No sensitivity. I was left wondering if he was trying to sabotage this. We knew each other, kinda. We’ve met before. Seem to have an attraction. Why is he setting this lunch on fire?

It continues. He’s shoveling food into his mouth. Speaking with his mouth full. Crumbling and tossing his dirty napkins on the table. Finishing his statements with, “ya know what I mean?” But not needing a response.

I gave up. Finished my lunch. Shouldn’t let it go to waste. It’s paid for. Nodded my head a lot. Watched the sporting event playing on the TV behind him knowing I t should end soon, the event, the conversation, the lunch hour, something.

Finally, and I haven’t responded to his calls or text. At least he calls, huh?

Number 3

In messenger, after a friend request acceptance, because he’s a friend of a few friends. And, I’ve seen him in public enough to know he’s not on the lam. Prior to our interaction, he’s liked a handful of my most recent posts. Thumbs up on my words and hearts on my pictures.

Wait, I probably could have predicted this.

HRU. Answered.

HRU. Answered.

Done.

It can’t seriously be this difficult to effectively communicate. Maybe they aren’t that into me? Maybe I’m expecting too much.

No. Well maybe and no. I’m not expecting too much. I’m expecting the basics.

And them being attractive, for the most part, is not going to excuse them from normal social behavior. Nope. Attractive or not, they have to be able to hold a conversation to date me. Because one day they won’t be as attractive anymore.

There will be less to look at, and no one to talk to.

Thankful. Grateful. Blessed.

Today, I am most thankful for the wisdom of my experiences. I am grateful for the relationships that have lasted, and the ones that taught lessons. I am blessed to have made it through the things designed to destroy me.

Enjoying this day with my family and friends! Wishing you all the best!

Happy Thanksgiving XOXO

Don’t stay where you aren’t welcomed.

I’m writing about the celebrity that just put all his personal business on the internet. The most recent one. The one that was just reinstated from his last cancellation. I saw a smidge. I’m not an expert. That’s the only disclaimer being offered.

First and foremost, please leave your personal business off the internet. Number one, it’s classless. It’s trashy. It’s unnecessary. Number two, it’s recorded evidence of your ridiculousness. Explain that to the judge…if needed.

Second, and equally important, never stay where you aren’t wanted! I know there’s more to the story. I know there are things left unsaid. I get ALL of that. But I am asking, and/begging, never stay. Never rush back. Never make someone a priority that is not that concerned about you.

Third, but also equally important. If they don’t respect your child, regardless if that’s their child or not, don’t go for that foolishness. Pack your shit, pack your shit, and get out! Yes, that was in my Bernadine voice from Waiting to Exhale.

I saw a smidge.

All easy stuff. Act accordingly.