Why would I want a friendship with my exes?

There is a sincere part of me that believes that if it didn’t end in absolute chaos, 911 calls, or extreme threats we should be friends. Seriously. If we spent that much time in each other’s lives, loving each other, building a friendship, shouldn’t we remain friendly?

So friendly, not necessarily friends. Is that too much to ask?

Yes. Yes, it definitely is. 

I had to have this conversation, lose this battle, and eat poorly seasoned crow on this one. 

I’m only speaking for myself. 

I have had this STRONG desire to maintain this “friendship” with an ex. It’s been ridiculous, at times. But, why? Why have I fought the new man, the ex, and myself for a friendship that’s not really worth it? Because I like to win, and I hate to lose. 

I like to win. 

I hate to lose. 

It’s that simple. 

I invested a lot in that relationship. I gave so much of myself, and I lost…technically. He and I didn’t work. It wasn’t a happily ever after situation. We didn’t sail off into the sunset, well not together. 

And, I was crushed. Not because we were a good fit. Nope. Not because we had both tried so hard. Nope. I was crushed, I am crushed, because I put forth so much energy and effort for nothing. 

I know. I know. It’s the journey and the lesson, but those aren’t tangible. 

I didn’t feel the love he spoke. I didn’t get the baby we wanted. I didn’t get anything but a handful of empty promises and some debilitating headaches. I lost. 

I know. I know. I dodged a major bullet. I avoided a life time of excuses, misunderstandings, and let downs. I know. I really do, but it’s hard to trade that for the tangible. 

So, I accepted “friendly”. I actually initiated it, and I even pushed for it. Because, it means I don’t walk away empty handed. 

I’m not proud of this. 

Am I still in love with this ex? Am I expecting us to work out?

No. Nah. Nope. Not even. 

It wasn’t a good relationship. He wasn’t good for me. I wasn’t right for him. It was toxic at points, and the high points are covered in sex. We weren’t good for each other. We weren’t in the same place. We don’t have the same set of values. Nothing worked. 

I don’t want to go back. I don’t think I could handle another run. I barely made it out the first time. 

I just don’t want to feel like it was all pointless. I don’t want to feel like a loser. I don’t want to have lost. 

Sheesh. 

What about the new guy? Am I willing to sacrifice the new hopeful situation for the old tragic guarantee?

No. Nah. Nope. Not even.

I guess not. But, I kinda do every time I hold out for the win, huh?

This is a classic reason, season, lifetime situation.  Was the relationship meant to last for a season or a lifetime? Or, was there just a reason to it? Am I going to sacrifice a reason relationship for a lifetime relationship? 

No. Nah. Nope. Not even. 

I have to force myself to take this loss. I have to let go of the ALL the different relationships I planned with this man before it cost me the real relationship I’m living with my man. Duh. 

That’s the real win. 

Cue DJ Khaled’s All I Do Is Win

What’s the plan?

What do you want? What are you looking for? What are you willing to do to get there?

Nothing else haphazard. 

Before I start any more relationship journeys, I need to know where this is headed. 

Point blank. Period. 

Everyone has a general plan. We all have an end game. It may not be easily satisfied or obtained, but it exists. 

Name it. 

Because I want forever. I want commitment and love, in natural progression. 

I am valuable. 



I am a valuable friend.
 

I know I’m not the most available person. Between life’s responsibilities and being a mom, I don’t have a lot of time. But, what I have I will give freely. 

I try to check in. It’s a small gesture, but it’s been impactful when received. I’ll send you a message or give you call to let you know I’m thinking of you. I’ll send something I thought could be motivational. I’ll give you the funny thing I came across on social media. I want you to know I’m always here. I will find time for you. I will support you. I will love you. 

My circle is so incredibly small and so incredibly important to me. I want to be a valuable friend to my valuable friends. 

I am a valuable girlfriend. 

I love the idea of love. I love having someone’s back, being in their corner, loving and supporting their day to day, their hustle, and their dreams. 

I want to be woven into your family dynamic. I want to weave you into mine. 

I want the plus one, the sacrifice, the partner, the best friend, the above all else. I want that. 

I can be submissive, and I can be strong. You can lean on me. You can depend on me. You can trust me to be reliable.

I’m not looking to come up off your efforts. We can move forward working side by side. 

I don’t need to be saved. I’m no damsel. I’m not in distress. 

I am valuable. I am worthwhile. And, I realize that, finally. 

I’m editing the relationships in my life. I’m changing what I allow. I’m realizing my value, and I’m expecting the man I end up with to realize it too. 

In case there is any confusion…

I’m not interested in dismissive behavior. No manipulative antics. No liars. You need to have already found yourself. Be confident, a decision maker, and a leader. I can’t be involved with someone that doesn’t understand value and isn’t showing any initiative. 

Put your guard down, pray about it, and then we just try. 

Side note: I’m writing this for all the women who’ve been experiencing less than their value. For anyone who forgot, even for a moment, how amazing they are. 

We are beautiful, talented, nurturing, strong women, who deserve to be appreciated and valued. Your value is not based on you hair texture, skin tone, height, waist size, or whatever you beat yourself up about. You’re incredible. I promise. The man who doesn’t see your worth, isn’t your man. 

It’s really that simple.  

I’m seeing someone.

I’m seeing someone. It’s the graduation from dating. It’s moving into a more permanent place. This is the start of a relationship. And, I’m nervous. 

I’m trying to live in the moment. I’m trying to enjoy something that I’m not necessarily certain of. And although it’s not hard, it’s not that easy either. 

He knew me from way back. Shopped with me during my initial retail days. Flirted, but never moved forward. Took a chance almost 20 years later.

And…

That’s where the post ended, almost a week ago. I was planning to finish it. Waiting to get a little more depth. Wanting to have this amazing first entry to reference at the engagement party. 

That didn’t work out as planned. 

He wasn’t right. The reservations were choking out the good parts, and I couldn’t figure out what made it worth it. It didn’t feel good. 

We weren’t communicating well. We were only about 60 days in. The conversation was well received in the moment, but completely lost moments later. No plans were being made. No actions were taking place. Time was wasted. I didn’t want to keep trying because we made a great story. I want to make a great life instead. 

So, I cut and ran. We’d already tried again and started over. I couldn’t do this again. 

Because, it’s not supposed to be this hard. 

The original questions revised. 

Was feeling a little down the other day. Worried this is it, and I’ll be left to navigate life alone…forever. 

Needed to figure some things out. Wanted to ask the men from my past, why they weren’t my present and future. What went wrong in our relationship, from their perspective? Really, what do I need to know, work on, and/or improve for my future relationship? Not willing to marry their answers, but I’m open to whatever it takes to avoid becoming a multi-cat household when Blaise moves away. 

Started with the guy I was sure was the last guy. He said he’d been scared. Told me it was him and not me. It was a perfectly reassuring and frustrating answer. Left me questioning more than before and wondering if it was just a cop out.

The next response came from the high school friend. We share ridiculous chemistry, but our lives have never added up to each other. He said what I knew, we’d dated each other’s friends, we went different directions, we were supposed to love each other the way we do. And, he’s totally right. I couldn’t imagine changing our current relationship. 

Then the bestie. We’ve maintained a friendship through the craziest of circumstances. Kept our relationship innocent, but questioned what if there had been more. And, there wasn’t because there shouldn’t have been. We were never in the right head space to be more. Timing was never right. We were never in the right place at the same time. And if the universe had let us try, where would we be now? Would it have been worth the risk?

Avoided the guy who cheated during our brief long-distance moment. Shouldn’t bother him and baby mama number three. He doesn’t have much time there before going back to bring chaos to baby mama number one’s life. 

Avoided the guy I walked away from. Couldn’t see the journey he was on. I was only focused on the moment. Too embarrassed about who I was back then to engage him. I’m fully aware of what I did wrong. 

The long ago ex. We never developed our relationship because he was already committed to the US Army. I didn’t want to be dragged around the world for his career, and he never asked. We fizzled out. We established our forever afters with other people. Had children. And, didn’t seek each other out until social media planted the seed. Our new relationship blossomed as our romances both died. But, we’re across the country from each other now. Too set in our ways. Too establish to change. 

Every situation gave great insight, but it didn’t help me at all. Not at all. My questions and concerns were left unanswered. I wasn’t even asking the right questions, thinking back. I’m still stuck wondering about me and wondering if there were some chances I should have made myself take. Ugh!

“Am I going about this wrong?” I asked the “long ago ex.” I gave him my reasoning. I asked him more questions. He stopped me. Why am I questioning non-experts about relationships that we both couldn’t see through? No shade. But, what did I really expect to pull from those interactions. It was a lost cause from the beginning. So move on. 

Yessir. 

And, he outlined much better questions for me. 

Am I selfish? 

 Am I too late to want _____ and _____? 

Am I looking in the wrong places? 

Am I crazy or damaged? 

What kind of men have I been with? Men I already knew would disappoint me? 

What do I want? And, have I ever had it before in life?   

Ummm…okay. 

So I’m headed back to the drawing board. Tackling a better set of study questions. 

And anyone else stuck on a romance plateu or unhappy in their current situation, should answer a similar set of questions. Let’s reconvene soon and compare answers. 

Vamos!

This is what the end feels like. 

Again, How do you know when enough is enough? Yep, that question and all the questions it creates. 

This conversation keeps surfacing. When do you let go? When is enough, enough? That’s a hard question. It’s never the same answer for the same person. You just know when it’s time to let it go. But, you may have doubts. You may even second guess yourself at times, but when it’s over it just is. 

For me, it ended without fanfare. There were no emotional outburst, no tears, no regrets, and no long embraces. It just ended.

I had exhausted every emotion.  We were finally at the same place. We were both done. I rested well. 

That’s how you know it’s over. When you have relief and no regrets. 

I may miss things. I may even miss him, but everything happens for a reason. 

I thank God for the course. I appreciate the lesson. 

Cue the music. 

Your behaviors have a direct effect on my behaviors.

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Your behaviors have a direct effect on my behaviors.

Cause and effect in the worst way.

I recently had an issue in my relationship. It felt like a big issue, but it wasn’t. It was a tiny thing that blew up because of our communication.

He has his stuff. His stuff turns him into a recluse, and he shuts me out. It makes me question EVERYTHING. It lights my mind up like fireworks. I go a mile a minute. Over thinking is my downfall. I feel scared. I doubt our relationship. Every issue we’ve ever had glows like fire in my mind. I freak out. I want to run, but my heart makes me stay. I say things I shouldn’t. I’ll do anything to create communication. I’ll say anything to evoke a response. I get desperate and scared.

He can’t handle it. I create a new problem that adds to whatever he’s already dealing with. But, I can’t see that. Because he never shared it with me in the first place.

Everything could have been okay if the lines of communication would just stay open. All the time. Just say something.

His behaviors caused my behaviors.

And, I don’t know if we will be okay. I don’t known how we stopped being okay. I don’t know what happened in the first place.

We love each other. We didn’t get there intentionally. We didn’t plan this. We are probably both afraid. We are both having a hard time. Why aren’t we having that conversation? Why aren’t we communicating better? Why does this keep happening? Love shouldn’t be this complicated. Love is supposed to make things better.

My mind says this is enough and I should cut and run, but my heart says I’m where I’m supposed to be. Who’s right?

Our behaviors have a direct effect on our behaviors. And, when it’s good it’s better than perfection. But when it’s bad, it’s two hurt people hurting each other.

Disclaimer: I researched on the correct ways to use the affect and effect before posting this. Don’t want to look stupid on the Internet. Hope I got this right.