Why I went back…

06/30

I never planned to go back.

I may have even said I’d never go back.

Never say never.

I did go back, though. I went back because emotionally I wasn’t done.

He wasn’t done. He fought for me. He pulled me back. And, I allowed it. I wasn’t kicking. I wasn’t screaming. I was guarded. I am guarded. But, if it crashes and burns. I have no regrets. I have no doubts. I leave confident. It will be the final goodbye.

And, that was the agreement. If we go all in again, and it doesn’t work, we walk away. No friends. No communication. Nothing lingers. It’s done.

But, we have to go all in. We have to try. I have to try. I can be guarded, but I have to try.

Sheesh.

Okay.

07/23

I went back to realize that I shouldn’t stay.

And just like that…

It was over.

I’m single again. One minute I was someone’s girlfriend, and then I wasn’t. I went from talking about forever to being single in a moment. It’s hard to grasp. It’s a lot to process. I’m not sure how to manage this.

But, I’m okay.

No one died. Our lives go on in new and interesting ways. We move forward. We continue to grow. We face new teachable challenges. We chase new goals. We do everything we’d planned, just apart. And, that was a call I made. I set us free.

Update: I didn’t set us free. I just loosened the rope holding us to each other. We were so tightly bound, but not as tight anymore. I have no idea what the future holds.

And just like that…the saga continues.

Long term expectations on short term relationships

As a single woman, well past 30, rounding the corner to 40, I have made a lot, A LOT, of bad decisions in relationships. My primary issue in is that I have given short term relationships long term expectations.

Where is my church fan? I should be waving it at myself shouting “amen”.

Ladies, and gentlemen, I get it. I completely understand that you are hoping against hope, and praying with all you’ve got, that some relationships will just work themselves out. You are perfect for that man or woman, but they aren’t perfect for you. They are NOT perfect for you. They aren’t even good for you. That relationship isn’t good for you. That relationship isn’t a long term relationship. It’s a reason or season, but not a life time.

Short term people tell you they are short term people, through words and/or actions. I had an ex boyfriend who claimed to want forever with me, but he never discussed marriage. He wanted a child with me, but he never discussed a family. He always stopped short of committing to me. The relationship was saturated in missed opportunities and let downs. But, I loved him. And, because he said he loved me, I stuck it out. It was bound to get better, right? Eventually he would see that I was perfect for him. I was supportive of him. I was committed to him. I was in this. Right?

Wrong. He showed me time and again that we were short term. Maybe we would shack up for a bit. Maybe I could join the baby mama team. Maybe I could look up in another 3 years and realize he had been consistently telling me that I wasn’t the one.

Mercy?!

Because as motivated as I should have been to leave, he was motivated to keep me around. I was offering up a wife life to him, with little expectations. Human nature was telling him to soak that up. I understand. And, he didn’t owe me anything. He’d told me what I was getting. If I wanted to stand around hoping for more, I was the fool.

He was a reason for a season. He had a clear point and purpose in my life. I needed the lessons he provided. And, I’m grateful.

But, how do you know when long term really equals long term?

You will just know. The behavior changes from anything you’ve seen before. You feel it in your gut. Your person isn’t being dragged into this idea of forever by you. They are happily walking into forever, eyes wide open, eager about what’s to come. You are having long term conversations. They are initiating some of those conversations and not avoiding any of them. Their plans have you in them, and your plans don’t intimidate them.

I’m there. Finally betting on the winner. My guy discusses us as a team, not two individuals that happen to be in the same time and space. We plan our life, our family, our future, our finances, our investments, our needs, our wants, and our goals. We have real arguments that aren’t sugar coated to avoid upsetting the other person. We laugh with and at each other. We sacrifice to support the relationship, and we build each other up to be the best version of ourselves.

I didn’t know what long term felt like until I got to where I am. I only knew the short term was uncomfortable. I only recognized the struggle. I thought forever was going to be a battle.

Long term IS a challenge, but short term with long term expectations is damn near a war.

There’s levels…

Shahs of Sunset S6E11

“There’s levels. There’s levels. There’s levels. There’s girls that you’re friends with. Girls that you sleep with. There’s girls that you date. There’s girls that you engage, and there’s girls that you’re gonna marry.” – Mike Shouhed, Shahs of Sunset

I’ve been living in the levels. All the levels. 

“Hello, my name is Leandrea, and I’ve been living in the levels.”

Sheesh. 

There’s girls that you’re friends with. I’m a great friend that’s a girl. I don’t need too much attention, just the occasional plus one, respond to my text, take most of my calls, and keep my favorite snacks and drinks at your place for hang outs. I’ll advise you on your relationships. I’ll support your courtships. I’ll stand up for you at your wedding. I know my place. 

Girls that you sleep with. AKA: Friends with benefits. One night stands. A hook up. Fuck boys. Fuck girls. I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to be that girl. Let’s be friends or not. Let’s date or not. But, I don’t wanna be a conquest. I’ve been that level, and it doesn’t sit well with me. It’s not a good look. 

There’s girls that you date. I’m perfect at this level. I’m an ideal dateable girl. I think I’m fun, a chameleon that can make most situations work. I’m available, with notice, and I’ll try almost anything once. I will hold you down. I’ll build you up. I’m charming with your family, and I’ll be friends with your friends. 

There’s girls that you engage, and there’s girls that you’re gonna marry. I’ve been engaged, twice even. Never married. Not yet. I don’t know that I’m even ready to be that girl. But, I’m down the street and around the corner from the final level, and it makes me want to vomit in my shoes…a little bit. 

Marriage isn’t necessarily the finale any more. Divorce is always on the back burner. It’s just simmering waiting for either person to turn up the heat. Sheesh. But, I’d like to think I’ll only do it once. I want to believe it will work until something like forever.

When I’m ready. 

Maybe I’m just the dateable girl. Converting into the live with girl. Always the plus one and vacation with girl. The never ending friends with girl. Maybe those are my levels. 

But, true success lives just outside of our comfort zone, right? Maybe? That could just be a clever self help slogan. 

We end up living through the levels. It’s life changing. It’s challenging. It can be overwhelming. 

So, I’m almost in the last level. Struggling, but I’m here. And, I’ll do my best to see it through. Because this is the plan. And before I got to this level, it was all I ever wanted. Now that I’m here and it doesn’t look the way I expected it to look or feel how I expected it to feel, I’m doubting everything. EVERYTHING. But, I’m going to try. 

 If it all goes to shit, I can just start over…right?

That’s not really how I’m moving into this, but it’s the truth. If it all goes to shit, we move forward…battered and bruised. That’s okay too. 

Side note: This post went in its own direction. Definitely organically written, zero planning, and off the cuff. 

I. Am. Lonely. 

Yep, I’m announcing my loneliness. It’s the truth, but I am NOT desperate. No way. 

I live in the Houston area. I was put here in chaos, but I’m not bitter. Seriously, I’m not. This area has been good to me, for the most part. I’m learning a lot about myself from this situation. And, it’s gonna be okay. 

So…I left everything and mostly everyone I knew behind. Took an opportunity, packed my bags, and hit the road. And, then everything kind of fell apart. My son didn’t do well here. He moved back home, and returned to his normalcy. I stayed. I’m obligated. 

Again, I started dating a guy that I’d been dating. We were doing well, and then we weren’t. My uncle passed away. My dad had a horrible car accident. It was all in a matter of a couple of days. 

I broke in half. 

I realized that everyone I need and love is too far away. I felt incredibly alone. I was lonely. I am lonely. It was too much. 

So I felt like I needed people. I needed to be surrounded by people. I needed attention. And, I took dates. 

Bad idea. 

The people I wanted were out of reach, physically and emotionally. 

Bad idea. 

Bad date.  

Bad coping. 

And now, I just need to sit quietly. 

The gang is here. My brother and dad arrived today. My kid and mom are coming this weekend. The guy has a standing invite. And, I’ll be okay. 

Side note: Nothing happened when I took dates. It was coping, and even in loneliness I didn’t want to be kissed or touched. Thanks for the compliments and the dinner. Now, lose my number. I’m good. 

All or nothing?



All or nothing…is that how dating works?

So I’ve had enough encounters with the scheduled second dater. And, I’ve talked to the first dater a few times. 

Observation: I’m not good at dating. 

First dater:  We had fun. He was nice, attentive, and seemed genuine. He was also looking for more than I’m ready to give. During one of our phone conversations, he told me I was the kind of girl he could marry. “Awww, thanks.” That’s cool. I’m flattered. But then he says, “I’m serious. I’ve been looking for a girl like you. Am I the kind of guy you would say yes to?” Screeching halt. “Ummm…I’m really enjoying getting to know you.” Shoulder shrug. Then it got stranger. And, he even told me he was falling in love with me. Then I faked an incoming call and never called him back. He’s text me every day though. He’s a really nice guy, possibly a little crazy. And, I’m not ready for that type of extreme. 

Just a hot minute ago, I thought my last relationship was gonna be my last relationship. And, having a few drinks and dinner with you was supposed to just be a good time. We’ve only been on one date. Why are we making declarations? 

Stop. 

Second Dater: Ultimately, he wants nothing. Every conversation turned sexual. After we initially met, exchanged numbers, and made plans he told me I was beautiful. That’s awesome and stuff. Never had a problem hearing I was attractive. But quickly we were off my pretty face and traveling south to my chest and tush. Nothing. This is nothing. I’m not interested in jumping into your bed just because you said I was beautiful. I have mirrors in every room of my house, pal. 

So, I took dates…sorta. Didn’t go far with them. And, I will probably be sitting perfectly still while I figure out my life. Ugh. 

I took dates. 

So, my proclamation worked. 

I took 2 dates. There’s one that I’m really looking forward to. The other may just be for practice. But who knows. It’s worth the adventure. 

Back on the horse. 

So the first was the guy from the Brick Wall post. He sent a text asking how I was. I replied. The next thing I knew, we were having dinner and drinks. And, I was laughing and blushing. I made an excuse that I had a really early day. He paid the tab. Hugged me longer than friends, and looked a little bummed when I gave him my cheek instead of my lips. I had a text by the time I pulled into my driveway. I’d broken the cardinal rule, discussed the demise of my last romance. But his text message that night showed me he hadn’t held it against me. 

 No games. No chaos. Sweet. 

Date 2, is pending.