I only want two things. I want someone to believe in me, and I want someone to fight for me. That’s it. It’s that simple.
My last two relationships blew up in my face. They were both men that promised me something they couldn’t commit to. I was hurt. I tried so hard, and I remained their friends. I’m supportive. I cheer for them. I want the best for them. I know it will never progress.
I fought for them. I loved them. I sacrificed for them. I would bend nearly in half. I was in. Both times. And, it didn’t work. They couldn’t, or wouldn’t, come through for me consistently. They were both so broken, and I was ill equipped to fix them.
And, I gave up. After minutes, months, and years of doing my part, I gave up. Do you know how hard it is to walk away from someone who tells you they love you? It’s devestating. Because if you’d said that you didn’t love me it would all make sense.
I tried. I know I tried.
Don’t pretend to be friends if you want more than friendship.
Seriously. Both people will get hurt. Both will feel shortchanged.
I tried to befriend someone that has feelings for me. I wish I could have reciprocated those feelings. He was a nice guy. But, I don’t feel it. I can’t fake it. I can’t force it. We can be friends though.
He said okay. Until, I couldn’t live up to his expectations. Then the friendship I thought existed was just a casualty. It never became innocent. It never switched to friendship. It went from love to lust, romance to sex. If he couldn’t have a relationship with me, he wanted to have me in bed. And, I don’t want any of that. I just wanted to be his friend. It was kind of the consolation prize. We don’t have anything in common. We don’t know any of the same people. I just wanted to be civil. And, I thought he was a nice guy.
But, he ruined that.
It’s okay though. I was over my friend quota anyway.
I just wish he’d given an ultimatum earlier on. We could have avoided so many senseless interactions.
If anyone speaks to him, can you give him a message?
Take care of yourself. I wish you well.
Here’s my confession, a couple of weeks ago I was a mess. I wrote this but didn’t publish it. It was too raw. I was too fragile. One misinterpreted comment could have sent me over the railing. It was a rough time. And, it almost got the best of me.
I’m fighting back tears as I write this. I don’t even have an exact reason to be upset. I can’t think of the specific thing that makes me cry. It’s all of the things. It’s the fact that my job is suffocating me. It’s the fight with my mother. It’s the drama with the man I care about, and the drama with the man I’m obsessed with. It’s all of it. It’s everything. It’s all happening at once. And, I can’t breathe. This, all of it, is strangling me. And, I don’t know how to help myself. I don’t know how to move past this. I’m scared.
This isn’t easy.
This is real life, and I was in a dangerous place.
And, when I put my guard down and reached out to the people closest to me, I realized who my friends really are. The most dynamic relationships in my life are my friendships. I value the people that didn’t let me break in half over the people that tried to break me.
I’m back. It was a long emotional road, but I made it back.
Thankful for the amazing friends that pull you back from the brink of your crazy.