This is a hard story to tell. It’s a hard realization to live.
I’m not happy, but I want to be.
Is he the one? Or, isn’t he?
I’d trust my instincts, if they were clear.
I’m having a hard time.
We’re having a hard time.
This will either make us…
or break us.
It’s really simple and kinda complex. All our little problems have come to a head. It’s all the little ticks combining to work our nerves. All the little things have become a big thing, and they’re sucking all the air out of the relationship.
Neither of us had done a fully committed relationship in a decade. Yep, a decade. There was that guy. He and I were involved, but it wasn’t solid. It wasn’t whole. It didn’t really work. And, he had a few girls. Neither of us have done this though. Not for a minute. Not in a minute. And, we didn’t totally miss it.
Now, we’re smashed together. We’ve done the meet the family thing. We’ve committed. We’ve stretched ourselves thin for each other. We are in this thing. But, it all happened so fast.
How did I go from a single mom to a girlfriend, future fiancé, one day wife, and hugging his family members in .002 seconds? What happened? When did it happen?
Why can’t I catch my breath?
What are we doing?
I felt like my identity was fading. I was signing up for things that were bigger than I could fathom. I was being sucked up in this relationship machine. I needed to escape. I was overwhelmed.
I wasn’t happy.
I needed to hit the pause button. I need to stop this and find myself in it. I had lost my voice. I was just doing what I was supposed to do. I was getting drug along.
It wasn’t his intention. He hadn’t compromised in a decade. He has a strong personality. He was doing so many perfect relationship things. He was handing business. If I didn’t speak loud enough, his commanding presence just rolled right over me.
I stopped talking. I stopped trying. I stopped being in the relationship. I started emotionally connecting elsewhere. I was shutting him out. I wasn’t happy. He couldn’t figure it out, because I wasn’t letting him in.
We’re in a tough space. We’re struggling. This is so hard.
We aren’t happy.
So, we are both living in this gray space. Neither of us is certain if we want to stay the course or cut and run. We aren’t done, but we aren’t convinced we should keep going.
Damned if we do.
Damned if we don’t.