9 signs he’s terrible and you should dump him…

9 signs he’s terrible and you should dump him. Okay Cosmo, I’ll take the bait.

9 signs he’s terrible and you should dump him…

1. He answers your text questions in a way that intentionally does not lead to more conversation. If “hey, wanna get some ice cream on Saturday?” is met with “ok,” you’re not off to a great start.

Can we just refer to this as my heart crushing blow? I didn’t even realize this was happening until I received an “ok” text while reading this article. And, while going through our text messages there were lots of long engaging texts from me that he met with that same “ok.” So he’s just not that into me, huh? Wow…ok.

2. His body language is very withdrawn right after sex.

Seriously?! That’s the perfect time to at least fake intimacy. How hard is a hug, a little cuddle, or a quick high-five to ensure you get another romp in the future? If nothing else, you should be doing this in appreciation of what just happened.

3. He looks annoyed that he “has to” pay for food and drinks.

So, I’ve always thought paying was the responsibility of the requestor. Whoever requests the date should be prepared to pay for it. And make full, COMPLETE, plans. So if you can’t swing high quality, overpriced, surf-n-turf, don’t make plans there! The gist of this is, make plans, keep those plans, finance those plans, and do so as a willing participant.

When things are unclear, default goes to him.

4. He doesn’t care if you catch him looking at other women.

I will scoop his eyes out of his head with a rusty spoon if I think I see him checking out another woman while we’re out. Look but don’t touch means don’t get caught. He should look like a trained ninja spy. If he can’t respect you enough to be inconspicuous, you don’t need to read any further. You’re done. Text him your goodbye, and put his things in a cardboard box, on the curb, for who ever picks it up first.

5. He fails to remember details about previous dates.

Details? Big or small? He must remember the big stuff, but I don’t care if he remembers much of the small stuff. Men are wired differently. They don’t focus as much attention on the details. But I expect him to remember major events in our lives, major experiences and key moments are a necessity.

If he never notices my earrings, who cares. He better notice the energy and effort I put in looking nice for him, though.

6. He’s not psyched about inviting you to meet his friends.

But when? Eventually y’all have to break your love bubble and go out into the world. Introductions must be made, but only when the two of you are ready. If you’re pushing for introductions and he’s refusing you need to investigate that resistance and possibly take a LONG look at your relationship. Or if you start making those introductions and he doesn’t, this may not be headed in the same direction for both of you.

7. He breaks up with you, but still texts you late at night. Let’s be clear: these are not “I still have feelings for you” texts. These are “I want to have sex with you” texts.

Liking who you are versus that little thing you do, are TOTALLY different. Don’t get confused. He will keep you on his sexual call list forever, if you allow it. Are you comfortable being his booty call knowing that 2, 8, and 9 are inevitable?

8. He mentions your physical flaws, particularly when you haven’t really established that level of intimacy.

Unless he is the perfect mix of Shemar Moore, Tyson Beckford, and Channing Tatum, he should never discuss your flaws outside of concerns for your health or well-being. Period.

9. If you ever get a “hmmm, you’re still here?” vibe from him when you’re at his apartment.

Run. Don’t walk. Don’t look back. Let go of anything you left behind.

No one who is interested in you will want you to feel uncomfortable. He should be focused on making you feel at home in his space, just as you should for him.

Take a look at your relationship. Be sure you’re on the same wavelength, traveling in the same direction. Be honest with yourself. If he’s not the man your looking for, let go!

The right guy is out there. And if you meet yours first, see if he has a friend for me.

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IGNORE, IGNORING, IGNORED

ignore [ig-nawr, -nohr]
verb (used with object) to refrain from noticing or recognizing

I HATE to be ignored.

Hate may not be a strong enough word for the way I feel. There’s little worse than ignoring me, in my book. It speaks volumes. “You aren’t important enough for me to make a real investment in you. Or, I find more value in whatever else I’m doing.” Either way, it’s rude. It’s disrespectful. And, I’m not going for it.

This is high on my relationship deal breaker list. Not just because it’s my pet peeve, but because it’s mean. And, anyone willing to ignore you isn’t committed to your relationship in the first place. If you can’t get the minimal amount of respect from your significant other, you can’t expect them to come through on the big stuff.

Side note: I HATE when you ignore my call. You actually picked up the phone and made a decision to not take my call. What?! Just let it ring. Silence it. It’s just nicer.

Disclaimer: I’m discussing truly being ignored. Not to be mistaken with someone requesting attention, out of turn. Example: you know your significant other is at work, and you call with a non-emergency. You should expect that you may be put off. Or, you try to strike up a conversation when you know your partner is already involved in something else. This isn’t fair. You aren’t the main objective. You’re the distraction.

Be careful that you aren’t confusing being ignored with being overly demanding.

Brand New Obsession

Maybe the reason why you are stuck on stupid (AKA living in a dead end relationship), is because you haven’t found anyone new to obsess over.

Oops, hold up. Some of you, probably repeat offenders, are shaking your heads with duck pressed lips. Sorry, but it’s true if we’re honest.

The best way to put out an old flame IS to light up a new one. Agreed. That’s the primary way I’ve gotten over all my past heartbreak. I wasn’t intact again until the man who didn’t want me, the way I wanted him too, had been, in some ways, replaced with a man that wanted me greater or equal to my new set of needs.

It’s not the quest to get back at anyone or to bed someone new.

I can see the faults in my current, or old, relationship when something better hits the scene. It’s easy to believe there is better when you’re holding it in your hand. And, that’s often the push I need to move on.

Disclaimer: This isn’t rebounding in the old sense. This is dating or getting to know someone to see your past can be your past, there’s better out there, and that you’re still desirable. I’m not saying jump into a relationship, but I am encouraging you to jump back on the social scene.

10 Habits of Happy Couples…

I recently read this article about the 10 Habits of Happy Couples. Interesting.

1. Go to bed at the same time.

This one is hard for me. I have a really strange sleeping pattern. I think #8 is more essential in my relationships.

6/17: Wait. I was watching, couldn’t find the remote, RHOC (I think that’s the right abbreviation for the Real Housewives of Orange County) and saw another side of this. One of the husband goes to bed REALLY early. I don’t know if this is attributed to his work schedule or what. I’m not really into this franchise anymore. But the wife was shown just kinda hanging out in their house alone. He goes down at their kids bed time. That changed things for me. I may not always go to bed when my partner does, but I’m gonna try much harder. It was sad watching her tuck her ENTIRE family into bed, grab her glass of wine, and go play solitaire on the family computer.

2. Cultivate common interests.

We should find things we enjoy doing together. Even things separate from our own personal interests. This could be simple or complex, but it will give us a common bond with an enjoyable experience, together.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side.

Duh! Human contact is so important, and often it’s the little things that mean the most. Remember how much we loved holding our boyfriends hands when we were in junior high. It’s similar, and it’s a great Segway into #10.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode.

Have you ever been friends or involved with someone who never gave you benefit of the doubt? Have you ever been forced to defend yourself against ridiculous lies and accusations? We all know how that feels. How would it feel to be in that position with someone you loved?

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong.

It’s so easy to focus on the negative. We are so quick to give it our attention. But what about all the positive. We barely acknowledge it. We probably appreciate the perfection in our lives, but fail to focus on it, point it out, and comment on it. But, the negative will evoke conversations, arguments, and two-cent comments from friends. Why?

It’s important to voice your concerns and issues, but don’t make that the only thing you have a voice on.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work.

For me, it’s not an actual hug, but I think it’s a great practice to ensure you’re acknowledging each other at the end of the day. When your partner comes home, or when you come home, both of you should make a point to seek out and acknowledge the other in your most comfortable way. For me, I need and give a quick smooch on the lips or cheek. It may be different in each relationship, but this speaks to human contact and connection every day when you get back together.

Doing it immediately when you get back to one another, ensures that you don’t miss this point of contact.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in household responsibilities and never physically acknowledge each other.

7. Say “I love you” and “have a good day” every morning.

Because we don’t know what the day may hold, it’s essential to send your loved ones out into the world with love and assurance each day.

8. Say “good night” every night, regardless of how you feel.

Is this meant to be the old don’t go to bed angry? Forcing you to say something to avoid going to bed as a two mutes. Maybe…

Saying goodnight, closes the day for both of you. Like #7, this should be a no-brainer. It’s the most basic contact with your partner. If you can’t start and end the day speaking to one another, when those options are available, you aren’t in an adult relationship anyway.

9. Do a weather check during the day.

AKA “check in” on each other throughout the day. The article speaks on making adjustments for the evening based on how your partner is feeling midday. Agreed. But, I think you check in just to check in. My day has been positively altered by hearing from “my guy” during both typical and difficult times.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner.

Additional information: Most blog post take a couple revisions before I post them. No one wants to look like a fool on the internet.

I started this blog on 6/15, and had to revise it on 6/17 after seeing something that changed my view point.

Platonic

Can men and women just be friends without any other relationship obligations?

I don’t know. Some of my longest lasting relationships are with men…that I dated and/or slept with. But the past is the past, right?

I’m kidding, but not kidding.

My real answer…absolutely! It can be a fantastic friendship, too!

I think that any heterosexual man and woman have to get the physical out of the way to really have a real relationship. And, it has to be totally off the table, completely. It has to be a situation where neither of you is lusting after the other. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have slept together to be friends, but putting that animalistic instinct to bed could make for a better friendship. (Don’t excuse the pun.)

I value these relationships in a completely different way than I do my girl friends. Men offer new insight in situations. Most of my girl friends and I have similar interests, thought patterns, and beliefs. We also can support each other to a point of enabling. My male friends have no problem calling me out. They want what’s best for me just like my ladies, but they are completely missing the female filter. I need that sometimes.

And, it’s nice hanging out with guys who don’t require you to be all shiny and perfect. I don’t have to put on a full face of make up or stilettos to kick it.

Disclaimer: Don’t get me wrong. I HAVE NOT slept with every one of my male friends. Promise, I haven’t. (I can even get them to sign affidavits and scan them in if you don’t believe me.) There are some relationships that have never been on my radar sexually. It was never on the table. Our chemistries didn’t connect that way.

And still, there are some relationships that went all the way. No judgements.

Roles and Responsibilities

Do we not have roles anymore?

I’m kinda confused.

I’m kinda old school. I think there are some preferred male and female roles. It’s not that there are things either of us are unable to do. There are things we excel at.

My design is primarily that I’ll handle the house, and he can have everything outside. I can do most of the cooking and cleaning, laundry, organizing the points of our lives that overlap, and general household stuff, my domain. He can maintain the outside of our homes, lawn care, kill the bugs, take care of our vehicles, and all the other stuff that the 1950s suggested men do.

This was how I was raised. I never saw women catering to men in a docile way. I saw two people managing where their interest and strengths lie. My mother seldom stepped foot outside, unless it was to get the mail. And, I can’t remember my father ever doing any laundry. They weren’t incapable of doing certain things. But, they certainly weren’t interested. And, they didn’t ask extra of each other. They played to their strengths.

And my grandparents, married 1000 years, had roles and responsibilities too. Their marriage ran like a fine oiled machine. I appreciated that.

Naturally, I expected this in my life. So imagine my surprise to be talking to a man OFFENDED, by my desire to do OUR laundry, iron OUR clothes, and even pick and lay out OUR coordinating outfits when we have events to attend. Your only accessory is a tie. We were disagreeing over me picking the tie. Huh?

Where I’m from, this is what we do. It doesn’t mean he is anymore incapable of doing this than I am at getting my own oil changed. I’m just probably better at this. Much like he’s probably better at avoiding putting divets in the yard while mowing.

Despite me being sure I’m right, he disagreed. He said I was being controlling.

Well do everything yourself then, and I’m still gonna expect you to kill the bugs!

The breakdown: I want to feel needed and appreciated for more than just sexual favors and his standing plus one. I want a role in our relationship that solidifies him needing me in his life. Because I’m offering that, Captain Bug Slayer.

I know this understanding and arrangement takes time and an understanding. I’m not naive about that. I just like the end game.

FINE

He…can’t name names it’ll make me a hypocrite.

You can probably figure that out. Ugh!

He is inconsistent and forgets to put me on the list of priorities. Does forgetting to put me on the list mean I’m not supposed to be on it? (EPIPHANY) Or is this a focusing on the task at hand, guy thing? The man does work, a lot.

Me though, I’m fine.

Freaked out. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.” – The Italian Job

And every time I build up the courage, sometimes liquid courage at the end of a beautiful bottle of wine, to stop the back and forth, he says no. He says no in the most beautiful of ways. And, I seem to go from sure and done to F.I.N.E.

Disclaimer: I don’t always know the difference in me being too demanding and insecure, needing to relax and let life happen, and me being railroaded.

That’s hard to decipher at times. And, even trying to put myself in the other persons shoes can just end up overwhelming.

Disclaimer 2 Question: Who do you listen to when your heart and head are at odds?