You changed your mind? I’m not so bad?

He said, “you refuse to let me in. You refuse to let me help you or be there for you.”

I said, “I can’t risk needing you, and you not come through for me.”

He said, “why don’t you think I wouldn’t come through for you?”

I said, “it probably wouldn’t be intentional, but I can’t trust anyone who doesn’t have the same agenda as me.”

He said, “no one has the exact same agenda as you.”

I said, “exactly.”

Then there was silence. I faked a call coming through shortly after, and we got off the phone. Frustration times a gazillion.

I’m sorry…not sorry.

Why can’t I have time and space? Last week you said I was intimidating and unattached. Last week you didn’t know if this was gonna work. Last week we were hanging on by a thread. But this week, I’m supposed to be ALL in? That doesn’t make sense.

I didn’t fight for what we have been fine tuning this last month or so. I didn’t beg for another chance. I didn’t give you something to hold on to. I DIDN’T KNOW HOW! Your mind seemed pretty made up. You seemed pretty sure.

Then, you realized your pride took you farther than your emotions wanted to go. Your bad.

You are ready to try again. You’re willing to put down your walls and reservations. I appreciate that, but it doesn’t mean that I am too. You had this opportunity last week, and you blew it because you didn’t get your way. So we are back at the starting line. Worse, we’re at a new line farther back. We are at the “I have reservations because you hurt my feelings line.”

And, I’m not saying I’m done. I’m just not saying that I’m not done either.

Look, I’m trying. This whole damsel in distress, I love you more, please save me from this cruel world act ain’t me. I’ve tried to be that girl, but I don’t have time. I’m living life, and that requires time, effort, and energy I barely have or can get my hands on. There’s no time left for me to be the girl that makes you feel like you saved the day.

I appreciate you. I adore you. But, you can’t keep waiting on me to knit you a banner, release balloons, or hire a marching band to express that.

If you want in, come in. Kick down my door and make yourself at home.

If you want to help me, HELP ME! Look around. There’s bound to be something for you to do.

If you want to be there for me, be there. It’s that easy.

Disclaimer: I might be 100% wrong here. I just can’t handle the man who needs more validation than I have hours in the day.

Disclaimer 2: Protect tomorrow. Don’t go left on me if you aren’t sure you’re ready to be done. Some thing’s you can’t redo or take back. Some thing’s are done once they are done.

Disclaimer 3: He knows who I am. This romance is new, but we have a past. He knows the relationship issues I’ve been working through since the 90s. He knows that emotionally I’m kinda a mess. He knows the last few emotional gigs I’ve had were a bust. He said he could weather the storm. He would give me space. And, we would put most of our relationship work in during my upcoming vacation. He said he understood I needed the opportunity to focus. That’s what he said when I was busy believing him.

I sent him a link to an explanation of my zodiac sign, Aquarius. Maybe he needs more insight.

Mom v. Man

Separate your family and relationship if needed.

The last man I dated that I introduced to my mother was my son’s father. My son will be 8 this September.

Tisk. Tisk? Nah.

My mother and I don’t have a sharing sort of relationship. Who I’m dating isn’t something I’m willing to share with her. I don’t need validation from her on my relationship. If it grows to a point that I need to introduce them I will. I’m not afraid. I’m cautious. I don’t trust sharing that with her until I’m ready. And, do I want him to see the toxicity we often bring out in each other as his future? Nope. I want him to be locked in and meet her separate of my relationship with her.

What prompted this?

Most of my close girlfriends also have mom issues. I think it’s how much we rely on them in our adult lives. Most of us are single moms who co-parent with our parents. That blurs the lines already. It’s hard for our mothers to see us as adults when they are maintaining a parental role in our lives. Okay. I get it. But, I don’t need you parenting me.

I was talking to a close friend whose mom invaded her relationship, again. This time her inability to diffuse and separate her relationship from her mom’s overreacting caused a major rift with her guy. He’s pretty mad.

He doesn’t back down. He doesn’t roll over and take whatever her mom dishes out. And, my friend is trapped between two people she loves disrespecting each other.

What do you do?

Separate them in the moment.

Separate them in the future.

When they start going at it, separate them. Take one out of the situation. Hear them out. Calm them down. Then go to the other and do the same. (Be prepared to explain the order in which you supported them. Why them first? Why them second?) If they can’t get back together and talk out the situation, then separate them in the future too. They don’t need to be together until they can interact like the adults they are supposed to be. Or, until one can refrain from being abusive to the other.

You aren’t choosing one over the other. You are choosing peace.

But, what’s next?

Eventually you may have to choose. You can’t keep them separated forever. And if they aren’t willing to interact, are you going to be okay having separate relationships with them? Or, kicking one person out of your life completely? You have to decide that.

Additional information: We have all watched the chaos and crisis of Kandi Burris’ relationships play out on reality television. We all pretend to be shocked, but everyone knows someone dealing with a similar situation.

Whether your mother doesn’t support your relationship because she doesn’t see him as a good choice for you or because of her own insecurities, it’s worth a moment of pause. People can see things differently from the outside, more clarity or more obstruction. Her reservations deserve to be heard. In that conversation you may be able to get to the root of the problem and fix it. And if she’s afraid of losing you, she may just need to hear you say otherwise. No avoidance. Go try!

In your relationship, give his feelings validity, but don’t speak against your mother. He needs to know you’re looking for a resolution not an opportunity to bash. Keep talking to him throughout your process. Show him your intent and ask that he participate in fixing the relationship where he can.

“You can do it!” -Waterboy

Kandi and Todd got married. IJS

You think you’re always right.

“You think you’re always right.” Someone recently said this to me. It was somewhat aggressive and condescending.

“Yes. About 90% of the time.” Was my reply. What I wanted to say was “hell yes, I do!” But, that would have been tacky and incorrect. 90% is accurate.

If I don’t find confidence and conviction in my thoughts and behaviors, who will?

I am a fighter. I am a warrior. I haven’t had people on my side, supporting and encouraging me, often. I have been my own cheerleader for much of my life. I push myself. I work hard. I seldom give up or accept defeat. I believe in me regardless of having a team of people believing in me. I do, because I have had to.

So yes, I think I’m right about 90% of the time. And if I’m wrong, oh well stranger things have happened.

Blame my zodiac…IDK

I…gonna say “I” a lot. I’m giving myself credit and disregarding the naysayers right now.

I thank God for the ability to see many sides of a situation. Which means I don’t typically use emotion as a rationalizing tool, because no one really cares. I’m logical and realistic primarily. So, by the time I bring anything to anyone I’ve examined it at length. I’ve already addressed your concerns in my thought process. I’ve tried to visualize your point of view. I’m bringing you my vision with thought and rationalization. And I think, NO I am confident, I have found the perfect option.

I will be shocked if you don’t agree. I will question any concerns you have that I hadn’t already considered. I will fight for my view point until you can convince me otherwise. Then, I will support your decision.

That’s who I am. I don’t beat anyone up for disagreeing. But, I fight hard for my views. And, if I’m wrong and need to apologize I do. If I’m wrong and your way is better, I will support you.

Just please, don’t be upset because I’m standing here believing in me. I’m gonna do that. I’m not waiting for you to do it for me. I’m cheerleading, back scratching, and high fiving MYSELF to death.

when winning is losing…

You know that feeling when you get what you want just as you realize you don’t want it anymore?

There are relationships that I’ve fought hard for just to realize I shouldn’t have won in the end. Maturity, right?! Wrong. I realized I shouldn’t have won when it blew up in my face. It’s always best when God teaches you a lesson through someone else’s misfortune. Not because you were too ignorant to see the truth without the chaos.

How did this happen? I didn’t trust my gut. I let my emotions lead the way. And, then I saw my love wasn’t love. It was familiarity and lust wearing clever disguises.

And, I was too focused on the win to see that I didn’t want the prize.

Be careful!

Wedding Dresses

I was on a lunch date. Cute guy, and he’s interesting.

He took a call, business or something he deemed important. I’m an only child. I’m more than equipped to entertain myself, especially with a smart phone and a gazillion apps.

I decided to browse Pinterest. Why not?

(Backstory. I’m obsessed with wedding stuff. Probably missed my calling as a wedding planner, or a bride. I love wedding dresses. And although I can’t imagine a groom, wedding, or marriage for myself, I dream about wedding dresses.)

That’s what I was pinning. Well, I was liking them. I didn’t officially pin them until today. Folks think the single girl, with the relationship blog about failures, pinning wedding dresses, might be crazy. Today, I don’t care though.

When he peeked over my shoulder, he seemed a little taken aback by what I was doing. He didn’t spark this interest. A fellow pinner, pinning dresses, prompted me to look at more dress pins. No biggie.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Now, we’re kinda awkward. Oops!

Thanks for the lunch, though.

Put it all on the table.

Found this post, saved as a draft, from a couple months back. Guess I was waiting for the clarity to finish it. Well, still kinda perplexed on this one…

I read this relationship article about putting your feelings and intentions on the table. It’s the same old tell people how you feel because life is short.

So, I did.

You’re supposed to feel great. Your feelings and positive energy are filling the universe. Blah. Blah. Blah.

However, I must have missed the paragraph on what to do if it blows up in your face.

We aren’t in the same place. We don’t have the same feelings about each other. And after his frightened reaction to my feelings, I don’t think I have too many of mine anymore either.

2nd Chris…definitely not

Standing on top of my feelings throwing the deuce.

I really liked this guy. Just because I’m done, I’m not gonna hid that.

Top 3 realizations…

1. I’ll always be disappointed. I’d started cutting you breaks when the disappointments were smaller than the time before. But, relationships shouldn’t be full of disappointments. There’s no ranking system on disappointment. It shouldn’t happen so often that it becomes the norm.

And, being disappointed is exhausting.

2. You aren’t who I really want. You are a really fun time, but there was no future. And, my desperation and loneliness made me mistake that for a happily ever after.

3. I’m not who you want either.

I wish him well. I’m not angry. Maybe one day we can even be cordial, but not today.

[There was this moment, months ago, at his house, in his kitchen, where I caught him staring at me. It made me uneasy. I don’t like all eyes on me in what feels like a judgmental way. He said, very convincing, no smile, like he’d just had an epiphany, “you’re so beautiful.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m fantastic. But the look on his face and the way he said that were new experiences for us. It wasn’t the compliment to get something. It wasn’t a game. Actually, he was a man of few words. I had to pull most of his emotion out of him cleverly. For me, dealing with him, it was a new level of flattery, and I adored it. He had a way of making me feel those butterflies every time we were together. I am still IN LOVE with that feeling. I’ll miss that most of all.]

Now, this whole 2nd Chris thing is officially a wrap. He doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself, and I don’t really care much about him anymore either.

5/31 I read my posts over often, and sometimes I cringe at my words. What I write emotionally can change when I’ve calmed down. Chris doesn’t seem to care much about me and my feelings, and that’s still true. And, because of what’s happened between us my feelings have drastically changed, too. I just can’t afford to care about him the way I once did.

Not angry, really this time. And, I’m even willing to be cordial.

(AGAIN) Cue the music!