He said, “you refuse to let me in. You refuse to let me help you or be there for you.”
I said, “I can’t risk needing you, and you not come through for me.”
He said, “why don’t you think I wouldn’t come through for you?”
I said, “it probably wouldn’t be intentional, but I can’t trust anyone who doesn’t have the same agenda as me.”
He said, “no one has the exact same agenda as you.”
I said, “exactly.”
Then there was silence. I faked a call coming through shortly after, and we got off the phone. Frustration times a gazillion.
I’m sorry…not sorry.
Why can’t I have time and space? Last week you said I was intimidating and unattached. Last week you didn’t know if this was gonna work. Last week we were hanging on by a thread. But this week, I’m supposed to be ALL in? That doesn’t make sense.
I didn’t fight for what we have been fine tuning this last month or so. I didn’t beg for another chance. I didn’t give you something to hold on to. I DIDN’T KNOW HOW! Your mind seemed pretty made up. You seemed pretty sure.
Then, you realized your pride took you farther than your emotions wanted to go. Your bad.
You are ready to try again. You’re willing to put down your walls and reservations. I appreciate that, but it doesn’t mean that I am too. You had this opportunity last week, and you blew it because you didn’t get your way. So we are back at the starting line. Worse, we’re at a new line farther back. We are at the “I have reservations because you hurt my feelings line.”
And, I’m not saying I’m done. I’m just not saying that I’m not done either.
Look, I’m trying. This whole damsel in distress, I love you more, please save me from this cruel world act ain’t me. I’ve tried to be that girl, but I don’t have time. I’m living life, and that requires time, effort, and energy I barely have or can get my hands on. There’s no time left for me to be the girl that makes you feel like you saved the day.
I appreciate you. I adore you. But, you can’t keep waiting on me to knit you a banner, release balloons, or hire a marching band to express that.
If you want in, come in. Kick down my door and make yourself at home.
If you want to help me, HELP ME! Look around. There’s bound to be something for you to do.
If you want to be there for me, be there. It’s that easy.
Disclaimer: I might be 100% wrong here. I just can’t handle the man who needs more validation than I have hours in the day.
Disclaimer 2: Protect tomorrow. Don’t go left on me if you aren’t sure you’re ready to be done. Some thing’s you can’t redo or take back. Some thing’s are done once they are done.
Disclaimer 3: He knows who I am. This romance is new, but we have a past. He knows the relationship issues I’ve been working through since the 90s. He knows that emotionally I’m kinda a mess. He knows the last few emotional gigs I’ve had were a bust. He said he could weather the storm. He would give me space. And, we would put most of our relationship work in during my upcoming vacation. He said he understood I needed the opportunity to focus. That’s what he said when I was busy believing him.
I sent him a link to an explanation of my zodiac sign, Aquarius. Maybe he needs more insight.