Jacob Blaise

  

Has it really been 10 years?

This is the most important man (-child) in my life. 

My son is 10 years old today! We have learned from each other, and this has been the most incredible journey of my life. I love this kid. He is compassionate, intelligent, silly, and genuine. He’s sarcastic and funny. He’s sweet and kind. 

He has my whole heart, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 
Wishing Blaise the best, happiest, and most fulfilling birthday, AND LIFE!!!

All my love, MOM

  

And yep, this is only about 2-3 months worth of selfies. I might just have a problem…

Advertisements

Then he said…

So the other day I’m out shopping, and this guy approaches me. He’s handsome, but with just enough imperfections that I felt comfortable in my used-to-be-white v-neck tee and destructed denim.

First it was just him asking my opinion about the beer, in my cart, I wasn’t really sure I was going to buy in the first place. Then, it was obvious flirting. He told me I had beautiful eyes. He leaned in to read the “Ray-ban” on my glasses and complimented my choice. He smelled amazing. And, I noticed the Ray-ban aviators hanging on the crew neck of his tee shirt. I smiled and said, “great minds think alike.” We laughed a little.

Then he said the one phrase that stopped our relationship before it started.

“My name is Chris.”

What?!

I said, “it’s nice to meet you, Chris. Have a great evening.” And away I went, pushing my cart at a steady jog.

I need another Chris in my life like I need a hole in my head.

Disclaimer: I have already had dysfunctional relationships with 2 men named Chris. You have to get to a point that you realize it just doesn’t work.

Everything mentioning 2nd Chris by name. But there’s plenty of other entries hinting at him.

Everything mentioning 1st Chris by name. It’s a much shorter read…

Baby?

I want a baby! I love the life I have, but I always envisioned at least one more child. And, Blaise is growing up so fast. I just want those moments one more time. Please…

Every time a man brings up having a child my heart almost jumps out of my chest. Then I’m reminded of the drama filled chaos with the 1st Chris and the heartbreak with James. I want to believe it could be better, but it could be painfully the same. I know better.

Being a single mom is hard work. I have done EVERYTHING for Blaise with little outside help. My parents have been there and been supportive, but everyone else only has to do what they want to do. I don’t have that luxury. No one has ever given me a break when I felt overwhelmed or allowed me to cry on their shoulder. I have carried the good and bad times, emotional, physical, and mental, on my back alone. And, that’s fine because Blaise is my son. I don’t regret anything about him, EVER. I just don’t know if I’m up to doing it again the same way.

So I wait it out, right? Probably not. I’m 33 years old. I have less than 2 years to meet Mr. Right, fall “in love,” get married, and make a baby. I don’t even have a prospect. I don’t have a chance. Instead, I let this go. I continue to thank God EVERYDAY for the blessing that is Blaise. And if I need to hold a baby, I politely ask a stranger and hope for the best. LOL

Disclaimer: There are added health risks and complications after a woman turns 35. I don’t want to take that chance.

1st Chris

I devoted an entire post to my feelings about the 2nd Chris. What about the 1st Chris, you ask?

I met him in 2003 or 2004. Seems like a lifetime ago, a decade of decades. We were young, emotional, and looking for something different. We both had past relationship and life hiccups, apples to oranges though.

I wanted a relationship. I wanted that happily ever after, and he provided what looked a lot like it. We threw ourselves into each other’s lives. We were hardly ever apart, an obsessive love affair.

We met in the early summer of 2004…yes, 2004. I was pregnant by the first of the next year. Everything stopped. He had proposed before we knew about the pregnancy. I’d said yes. I had a beautiful ring that I wore on a chain, Carrie Bradshaw-esque. Maybe that was a sign. But, now I’m pregnant. And, I just want to be pregnant.

The world’s view of the young single mother didn’t phase me. We were gonna get married later. No shotgun ceremony with me waddling down the aisle praying my water didn’t break. I’m not interested. I’m just gonna be pregnant. I wanted 100% of my attention to be focused on my ever growing cluster of cells. I justified my reasons. I stood strong in my decision. But, I never consulted the 1st Chris. It was never our decision. I wouldn’t entertain anything about a wedding. I ignored and disregarded his feelings. He was hurt by that, understandably so. Then everything erupted.

Our fun relationship became a power struggle. It was laced with intimidation and strong will. It was awful and miserable, but I was stuck. I was having his baby. I’d committed to this family. I wasn’t supposed to be a single mother. But, I was building a wall and sinking into a depression. My health was suffering. My blood pressure was constantly high. I was high strung, stressed out, and falling apart.

I spent 6 weeks on bed rest. I expected to be adored and caterer too, but I wasn’t in that type of relationship. We were on a roller coaster. It was an insane relationship without medical attention. It was truly insane. And by the end of my pregnancy, the aggression was worse. I didn’t quite know how to be a victim or diffuse our conflicts, and I didn’t know how to win either. I came home from the hospital hopeful though. We both were. We wanted this family. Quickly, the bad was back. Things were said that couldn’t be taken back. I couldn’t subject my son to this toxic situation.

8 weeks after I delivered my son, I turned off my life as I knew it and escaped the situation. We came back home. Dallas, Texas was in my rear view mirror. A new, desperately familiar life, awaited in East Texas.

Our relationship didn’t improve. He was angry I “ran away,” and I was furious I didn’t have an option to stay. We were done. I was done. And after many antidepressants, yoga classes, meditation exercises, and curse words the 1st Chris and I can tolerate each other. We are NOT friends. We are simply parents.

Chris is now married to a lovely woman and has two girls. His children are my son’s sisters, and I love those girls like my own. We aren’t over all our hurdles, and we may never be. But, we put the past away for the sake of the kids. We are a family anyway, not the one I envisioned, but it some how works.

2nd Chris

I dated this guy named Chris. For those of you that know me well, I’m not talking about my son’s dad. There’s more than one Chris in the world. There are at least two, and I have been involved with both of them.

The first Chris was a beautiful disaster. I got a perfect little boy out of the deal, but we are better off as nonfriends. (Defined as two people who are not friends.) We co-parent creatively and with assistance. It works, it could definitely be better, but it’s not broken. Hooray!

Chris #2. No, the 2nd Chris I dated. There’s no ranking of any kind here. He’s super! If I am face to face with this man it’s laughter and high fives all the way. The problem is we are seldom face to face. I don’t trust him. I don’t believe him. And, I don’t think it has the longevity of a gold fish. But, it’s great when we are together. I don’t know if our issue is distance (we live an hour and a half from each other), or my self sabotage, or that it just ain’t meant to be. But I know that I adore him. I may love him, or something like it.

It’s been a year, almost, in this crazy dance with the 2nd Chris. And, it’s on a fast decline. I’ve said some things I should (not a typo, I meant “SHOULD”) have said at the wrong time and in the wrong way. I’ve been done and gone back so many times I’m a constant contradiction. Right now, we aren’t speaking at all. Well, I’m speaking…but he’s not.

I don’t know if my love, or something like it, is honest with this man. Or, if I’m stuck between loneliness and a fear of losing. We all know loneliness, but this other fear is real for me too. I have invested in my relationship, or non-relationship, with this man. I have spent my time, my emotions, and my money. I have invested a lot by my terms. It’s hard to walk away from that type of investment, but it’s silly to stay when you aren’t yielding any return. I don’t want to lose. I do want him, but I really don’t want to lose.

What is/was the relationship supposed to be anyway? Was it a lesson? Was he in place to teach me something for the next relationship? Was he the great love of my life, this IN love that people talk about? I don’t know, and that’s okay. I couldn’t keep playing this game with him waiting for one of us to take the leap. There’s a lot to be said that neither of us did. I should just move his pictures from my “photos” to that “ex” folder of my email. Or, should I hold out hope for a sign. I don’t know. Right now, I’m gonna just let this go and wish him well. At least I get to take my dunce cap off now, and I can throw away all those little momentos.

The Chris saga isn’t done. This relationship has provoked so many things I wanna talk about it. It’s been really eye opening in how I conduct myself in relationships and the lengths I’ve gone. This is good for at least 3 more posts…

DISCLAIMER:

Dear Chris,
These posts are not meant to be demeaning or disrespectful to you. This is my truth. And this is me figuring out why at 33, I’ve never really been IN love. And as much as I want a relationship, I’m terrified of that level of commitment and as usual, possibly sabotaging everything I end up in. You, face to face, are EVERYTHING!

XOXO