I’m seeing someone, again.

Same guy from before. And, I’m trying so hard. Maybe I’m just not ready. Maybe this is too much. Maybe this is just a bad idea. 

IDK.

I just can’t seem to make this work. It still doesn’t feel right. 

We had lunch together. He asked, and I accepted. I was actually looking forward to going. He’s a really nice guy. 

But, it fell apart…again. I brought up politics during our lunch. Nothing deep. It wasn’t whether he was with her or for him. It was a simple question, “are you going to vote?” I know it breaks the don’t discuss politics rules, but we had already hit all the safe topics, I’d already participated in the neighboring table’s conversations, and I’d commented on every ingredient of my salad and sandwich. “This chicken is seasoned so well, and I’m surprised how good these cucumbers are so late in the season.” It was complete silence. 

We were just there. Neither of us had moved to leave, but there wasn’t much to stay for. 

Let me set a match to this discomfort. “Are you going to vote?” Explosion. And, our date went up in flames. He didn’t even notice. It turned into him aggressively debating his point about how pointless voting would be, and me sitting their quietly with my eyebrows on fire. 

Then time caught up with me. I had to run. Honestly, I had to run. I was escaping, but it was with reason. 

At the door, he walked out ahead of me. His entire body was outside the door when I caught up. And, he held it behind him until I walked out. I hated that. It was a small thing. But, I was bothered by it. I felt like an after thought. You didn’t turn around and ensure I didn’t break my neck falling through the door or save me from getting smacked in the face. You held the door behind you, like I was a stranger. You held the door, like I’m not the girl you want to sleep with. You held the door, like you didn’t want this to go anywhere.  And, it bothered me. 

I’m trying. Or, am I nit picking? I know the political situation had me feeling some type of way. I know my radar was on high because of the last guy. I don’t like to be ignored or feel ignored. I don’t like that I’m feeling this way in the first 60 days. 

I think I’m trying. 

I just don’t know. 

It’s not supposed to be difficult this early. 

With everything I allowed and let go with the last guy, I just don’t want to make the same mistakes. I don’t want unnecessary aggression. I don’t want to be disregarded. And, I don’t want to second guess my decision making.

I am too much, because I’m not for you. 


I could fold myself in half, bend until I break, but that wouldn’t please some people. 

Not talking about anyone specific. IJS

Some people aren’t destined to get you. Some people aren’t meant to be in your life. Some people aren’t your people. It just is what it is. 

We have to figure out how to decipher between the people we are meant to fight for and the people we are meant to let go. And, it’s easier than you think. You will just know, despite wanting to hold on. Love won’t keep you in that place. Lust won’t satisfy you. You’ll feel it in your soul. Leave or stay will be the simplest decision you’ve ever made. 

Maybe I AM talking about someone specific. Just maybe, though. 

Priorities


We make time for what’s important to us. And, I must not have been that important to the new guy…or the old guy. 

Because history repeats itself, I found myself being reprimanded for expecting another man to follow through on his commitment. No one, but God, your kids, and your mama, should make you break our plans. If you say you’re going to do something I don’t expect your homeboy to change our plans. Your homeboy? Aren’t we too old to let our homeboys change our plans with our significant other? Huh? Really? Aren’t we? I don’t understand. 

You can’t be too tired either. They are plans not spontaneous request. We planned them. You should have planned to be well rested. You should have planned your finances. You should have followed the planning example and planned some stuff.

Key word here is plan. 

Definition is (verb) to decide on and arrange in advance. 

Used in a sentence: We made plans. Did you always plan to break our plans?

My time is as precious as yours. And if I make time for you, I expect you to make time for me too. But, that’s not what happened. I made myself available to you. I came through for you. I was there when you asked, why can’t I get the same? Why do we have to negotiate? Why do we have to discuss at length? Why do you need to know what I’m giving back in exchange? Ugh!

You make time for what’s important. You break your back, bend over backwards, move mountains, and whatever else people say. You don’t drop the ball.   You do NOT drop the damn ball. Period. I don’t know everything, but I’m certain of that. 

So, I’m a free agent again. How many of you saw that coming from the moment I mentioned the newest new guy? And as usual, I’m good. Just made out with another frog looking for the prince. SMH 

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Week 2

Week 2 ended with no bang. That’s not a bad thing though. 

There was no weight loss, but there was no weight gain. I should have made some different food decisions. I should have guzzled more water. I should have done some things differently, but I recognize that. I can move forward differently based on honesty about this weeks decisions. 

I had some emotional disasters, but I feel like I handled myself well this past week. I spoke my mind. I was polite. I didn’t sacrifice myself…not as much as usual. 

#winning

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Days 5-7

Day 5, wasn’t so bad. I followed most of the directions, took all the supplements, and kept the majority of my emotions in check. 

Day 6 however, was interesting. Forgot a supplement, or 3. And, had two different boy/girl situations crash and burn in my face. Turns out the crush now makes my skin crawl, and the ex guy just keeps icing his cake of disappointments. 

I was doing good most of the day, but my emotions took over around 8P and forced me to inhale 2 chocolate chunk cookies. 

I reevaluated things. Cursed myself for having issues during the first week. Then cut myself a break. I’m human. Things are going to go crazy. I can deal with it. 

Better dealt with over 2 cookies than turning into 50lbs over the next 5 or so years. Been there. Done that. Wrote about it. 

Day 7 was damn good, pal! I was busy ALL DAY. I never had a moment to focus on anything other than the deadline on the next pending project. I knocked out over 15,000 steps, finished up a jewelry project, and got me and the kid shined up and to a party within 1 hour of it starting. 2/3? And, I’m calling that successful. 

I felt back on track at the end of the day. 

“No mom, I’m still single.”

My mom casually offered her concerned opinion over my single status. Right after I commented on the success of a family members relationship, she mentioned how much she wanted me to find someone. Huh? Is this really happening? Et tu? 

I’m a-okay. Don’t be concerned. I’m alone, but not lonely. I’m busy, and I don’t know if I have the time to devote to a romantic relationship. Plus, I’m still loving the last guy. He loves me, too. But, we are hella flawed. 

Don’t get me wrong, I want love, romance, commitment, and all the blah blah blah. I want white, no ivory, weddings, picket fences, and rocking chairs. Seriously, I do. But, I can’t focus all my attention on that. I’d go crazy. Instead, I need to build my empire, raise my son, and find and maintain my happiness.

Eventually, everything else will fall into place.