This shouldn’t be complicated. 

I only want two things. I want someone to believe in me, and I want someone to fight for me. That’s it. It’s that simple. 

My last two relationships blew up in my face. They were both men that promised me something they couldn’t commit to. I was hurt. I tried so hard, and I remained their friends. I’m supportive. I cheer for them. I want the best for them. I know it will never progress. 

I fought for them. I loved them. I sacrificed for them. I would bend nearly in half. I was in. Both times. And, it didn’t work. They couldn’t, or wouldn’t, come through for me consistently. They were both so broken, and I was ill equipped to fix them. 

And, I gave up. After minutes, months, and years of doing my part, I gave up. Do you know how hard it is to walk away from someone who tells you they love you? It’s devestating. Because if you’d said that you didn’t love me it would all make sense. 

I tried. I know I tried.

I’m not really seeing anyone anymore. 

I’ve been giving benefit of the doubt. I thought maybe I’d overreacted. I started easing myself back into…whatever this is. I thought maybe I was being too sensitive. Things will probably get better, right? 

The other shoe dropped instead. 

He and I talked late in the week, last week. I was letting the earlier stuff go. Starting fresh. I’d had a rough day. I’d had a really rough day. He reached out. The uneasiness I’d felt before seemed small in relation to this person asking what was wrong. 

I started where I was right then. I’d forgotten that I’d pulled away, and he didn’t have much of the back story. So I started to tell him how this man came into my house. That was just one of the things that happened, but it was the one that had me most uncomfortable. Some man had come into my house while I was in the shower and my sick kid was asleep on the couch. The hell?!

He was surprised. Me too. And, I’m the girl you like telling you about a situation that could have ended really bad. You’re surprised. I get that. 

As I started the story, he got a call. He clicked over the first time, but when they called back he had to take it. Okay. I get it. But, he never called me back. 

He got busy. I get it. 

But, he sent me a text later saying goodnight. Huh? 

I text back that he never called me back. 

Ignored.

Ignored?

I. Hate. To. Be. Ignored. 

You never called back. I was upset. I hadn’t spoken to many people about what happened. And, finally I could just own my feelings with this guy and say I’d been really scared. And, you never called back. 

The next day I get a good morning text. I responded that he’d never called back. I was expecting news that would put my spoiled, selfish ass, in check. Something big may have happened. Someone, somewhere, wasn’t safe. The bad that could have happened to me, could have actually happened to someone he really cared about. He was gonna probably put me in my place, huh?

Nah. 

He got something to eat. He got his mom something to eat. He did housework. He watched TV. He took a shower. He went to bed. 

Okay. That was my response text. Okay. 

He apologized. I said okay again. 

Then I called him. He was busy. He said he would call back. And, he did. 

I kinda went left. Adult-like, though. I told it like it was with few bad words and no name calling. 

This isn’t the first or second time this has happened. But, this time I was actually looking forward to putting this mayhem on his plate. I was scared and upset, and this was an ideal time for him to save the day. I was gonna be a damsel. I was gonna be in distress. Try something different. 

Never again, though. 

I told him that I expect what I give. If I forget, or get busy, and don’t come through, I offer an explanation and apology. No one has to tell me or remind me. It’s like owing money. I always remember who I owe. Just own it! 

Again, I was highly emotional due to circumstance, but we had also already had this conversation a few other times. Once when I politely asked, and again when I owed the apology for not doing what I said I would do because something came up. My face got rubbed all in that one, and I was forced to just own what happened. And again just like this, but without my temper tantrum. 

So, he’s on ice. Or, I’m on ice. This whole thing is on ice. I just need a break. It’s too soon for all this damn drama. 

“What a wicked way, to treat the girl that loves you…”

“What a wicked way to treat the girl that loves you…”

I’m not much of a Beyoncé fan. Just telling the truth. I think she’s talented, but I don’t subscribe to the beehive. 

But when you’re picking your heart up off the floor and your emotions have been spinning out of control, an album like Lemonade will speak to you. 

Right now the song Hold Up means everything to me. I know, I’m late. 

“What’s worse, looking jealous or crazy?”

I still don’t know, and I’ve been both. 

It’s over now. I wish I could say I got the strength to walk away, but really he cancelled the insanity. I would still be deep in dumb shit, wondering when it would end. Actually, I was praying it would get better. I’m not sure why. 

This was a horrible relationship, but he only did what I allowed. I wasn’t his victim. I was madly in love with a man that wasn’t ready for me to be madly in love with him.

He pushed me away, and I ran back. I was like a stray cat, and he fed me. He kept feeding me. I didn’t know if I was supposed to stay or move on. It was emotional chaos. 

Ouch. 

It’s not my finest hour, or 105120+ hours, or 1095+ days, or 156+ weeks, or 36+ months, or 3+ years. 

It was a foolish relationship, and that’s not typically me. I usually keep my head on straight. I don’t get caught up in the silliness of love. I love with logic and stay rational. I listen to my head. I examine every reservation. Usually. 

I’m not embarrassed. I’m still a little wounded. Still hurt. But, I’m rational on the other side. I’m feeling strong. And, I’m going to be just fine. 

I feel like myself again.

I’m seeing someone.

I’m seeing someone. It’s the graduation from dating. It’s moving into a more permanent place. This is the start of a relationship. And, I’m nervous. 

I’m trying to live in the moment. I’m trying to enjoy something that I’m not necessarily certain of. And although it’s not hard, it’s not that easy either. 

He knew me from way back. Shopped with me during my initial retail days. Flirted, but never moved forward. Took a chance almost 20 years later.

And…

That’s where the post ended, almost a week ago. I was planning to finish it. Waiting to get a little more depth. Wanting to have this amazing first entry to reference at the engagement party. 

That didn’t work out as planned. 

He wasn’t right. The reservations were choking out the good parts, and I couldn’t figure out what made it worth it. It didn’t feel good. 

We weren’t communicating well. We were only about 60 days in. The conversation was well received in the moment, but completely lost moments later. No plans were being made. No actions were taking place. Time was wasted. I didn’t want to keep trying because we made a great story. I want to make a great life instead. 

So, I cut and ran. We’d already tried again and started over. I couldn’t do this again. 

Because, it’s not supposed to be this hard. 

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. 

I committed to making major changes in my life today. And, I’ve been successful. 

I’m getting rid of toxic people in my life. No more holding on to relationships that aren’t promoting happiness. 

I’m trying to lose some weight and get healthier. I’m focusing on calorie and step counting, meal prep, and better food choices. 

I’m standing up and speaking out for myself. 

I’m committing to having a better life. 

Day 1 is done. 

I hope tomorrow is just as easy. 

It’s NOT me. IT’S you. 

  
I couldn’t have been more available unless I’d moved in next door. I couldn’t have been more supportive without an advanced degree in psychology. I couldn’t have loved, or something like it, anymore. I couldn’t have tried any harder. And, that’s how I know this failure isn’t about me. It’s about him. I couldn’t have changed anything, because he wasn’t invested in, or possibly ready for, the same type of relationship or friendship I’m seeking. And finally, we are free. 

That’s the take away. When a relationship doesn’t work, and you have honestly and genuinely given it your all, the issues were bigger than you. It was impossible for you to make it work, because they weren’t ready, in the same place, or willing. And, you’re gonna be okay. It’s their loss. It’s their issue. And if it’s meant to be, they will get their shit together and come back to you. Or they won’t, and you’re better off without them. Either way, have ALL the fun you can withstand in the mean time because you’ve earned it.
Dry your eyes. No one wants to hang out with a cry baby. 

Brick wall.

IMG_3510

My relationship hit a brick wall. Yep. Same chaotic, dysfunctional, relationship from before. Same guy making commitments he wasn’t serious about making. Same shit different day. Same brick wall.

I’d be lying if I said I was okay. I invited this man into my life, heart, with genuine intention. It’s gonna take a minute to let this go. In the meantime, someone should probably take my phone away.

You can’t make someone be who you want them to be when they’re incapable of being that person. Doesn’t matter what they say if they can’t back it up. Felt great hearing how much you loved me, but it hurt like hell not feeling it.

I’m a marketable chick. I can do this all again. I can find the relationship I’m seeking, but I can’t make you be in that relationship.

Hurts? Yep. But not near as bad as the times before.

I’ll be fine.

Side note: There was this guy, who I met during one of the other brick walls, who randomly text me last night. Is that a sign?

Disclaimer: I wish I was more comfortable with this. Wishing I could put it all out there and confess what a fool I’ve been for love…or something like it. But, the wound is too fresh. I can’t imagine making those types of confessions. General information is best. Maybe I’ll tell it all when I’m happily with the next guy.