It’s been a minute. If you know me, REALLY know me, you know that it’s usually because I’m making questionable choices. Seriously.
Basically, I’m at an emotional fork in the road.
Right before my last failure of a relationship, I’d just become super comfortable single. Seriously. I was dating freely with little to no expectations. I’d finally let go of the need to be committed. I was enjoying this chapter, or moment, of life. There was peace in my willingness to accept the right someone, but not needing anyone.
So, when I met the last guy, I was open.
Believing in God’s divine ability, I felt this must be the right relationship because of the acceptance that came before it. Isn’t that how it works? The moment you find peace and appreciate what you have, God gifts you what you’d been wanting. Right?
I went all in. And, it’s been a challenge.
I don’t want to rehash every moment, but admittedly I let A LOT of deal breaker shit go. I gave numerous chances with few results. I stayed frustrated. I ultimately got to the point of announcing I am NOT the woman for him because he’s not trying to keep me.
Meaning: You work hard for the person you want in your life. You make sacrifices. You are considerate and compassionate. You learn them, their needs and desires. You make room for them in your life.
I kept thinking that at this stage of life, I had to do this. I had to make this work.
There was love. There was a commitment. There were perfect family bonds. There was travel and adventures. There were laughs and love. There was a potential for a family and stability.
There wasn’t trust and respect. It wasn’t a partnership. I wasn’t in a partnership. He was so protective of himself, his money, his feelings, and his needs and desires that he could barely even see me.
And, I stayed.
He told me it was gonna be better. He promised there would be changes.
Short lived, at best.
And, I left…and I went back.
His focus on our issues needed to be bigger than his selfishness. That’s why I’m not the right girl. He will change for the right girl, because he loves her, because he doesn’t want to lose her, or because the timing will be right. Not me, because I’m not her.
And, it won’t just sound right. It will be right for me.
So, I’m single. AND, I have no idea what the future holds. I don’t know if I’ll again re-travel a road? Never causing unnecessary fires and burning necessary bridges. If I’ll do the single girl thing for a while? Or, if I’ll go and meet a new amazing guy to creat a whole new “#” for?
I don’t know, but I’m okay figuring it out.
And, I believe different from before. God was showing me more. I’d lowered my standards. Went through a rough relationship and begun thinking I was worth less…for a long time.
This was to show me my value. I got so much from this relationship that ignited this realization of what I should get from ALL relationships. It taught me so much.
Again, God used this lesson to position me in a place to receive something greater.
Both of us, I’m sure…in our own ways.