What’s the plan?

What do you want? What are you looking for? What are you willing to do to get there?

Nothing else haphazard. 

Before I start any more relationship journeys, I need to know where this is headed. 

Point blank. Period. 

Everyone has a general plan. We all have an end game. It may not be easily satisfied or obtained, but it exists. 

Name it. 

Because I want forever. I want commitment and love, in natural progression. 

We only entertain what’s important to us. 

I’ve had a long and often complicated relationship with this one guy. I saw so much potential in us, sacrificed so hard, and prayed for us almost daily. 

I’m 36. I felt this had to work. We had to be successful. I honestly felt like it was my very last chance. Because, in those moments I saw my options for another child, this grand life, and all my goals slipping through my finger tips. We had to work. Right?

No. We didn’t. We weren’t good for each other. We weren’t focused on the same agenda. We didn’t have the same goals. We just weren’t right for each other. I had to get that into my rock hard skull. I had to learn to live without him. 

I had to learn that we only entertain what’s important to us, and he wasn’t really entertaining me. 

I had to learn that if it worked out, this would always be my life. I would always be hurt. I would always be disappointed. I had to learn that we weren’t creating a partnership, he was teaching me how to settle. I had to learn that  his love would never be enough for me. I had to learn that it wasn’t the sacrifice I was meant to make. 

And, I’m still learning how to let go. I’m still figuring out how to let go of the investment I made with zero return. Because that’s what it’s all about. 

Really, that’s it. 

I gave so much for us. I invested so deeply. I tried so hard. There’s gotta be a payoff, right?

No. 

Sometimes there’s nothing left. Sometimes you just lose. I lost. But, it’s kinda losing the battle not the war.

 
Because winning is sometimes losing, right? I’m choking on my on words. 

I’m on the other side of that chaos. Still wishing we had a friendship to show for the time we spent in each other’s lives, but grateful that he left me in a place to meet this new guy. 

Because this guy is making an equal investment, and I’m looking forward to all the adventures, life, goals, and opportunities we will explore TOGETHER. 

“Last night took an L, but tonight I bounce back.” -Big Sean

Speak up, loud and clear. 

I recently started dating someone. It’s new, but it’s going well. He’s attentive and warm, encourages me, supports me, and we laugh A LOT. This is going really well. 

And, we’re nearing the exclusive stages. So, I needed to reach out to past gents and let them know I’m taking myself off the market to invest in this new venture. 

Wow. 

Just the other day, I was making declarations about being single. Enjoying my freedoms. Not looking or expecting anything more than a few dates, a few cocktails, and a few laughs. I was finally enjoying being a single girl. I was invested in me. I was focused. 

Then he came along. And, he’s screwed up everything.

I’m happy. 

So, I start the conversations. And, 2/3 confessed that they wanted more. They’d been thinking about more. They’d been considering more. They’d realized their feelings for me were stronger than they’d thought. The other one saw this coming. Wanted me to be happy. Wished me well. Promised we’d be friends. 

Okay then. 

If you knew you wanted me, why didn’t you speak up? What’s wrong with you? 

Wait…did you think I was gonna stand in this space forever? Did you believe our non-relationship was so strong it would last forever?

No. NO. NO!!!

I was open to the man who would change my plan. You didn’t. 

I’m okay with that. But, as a woman who cares about you, I’m telling you don’t let another woman pass you by. Live in the moment. Love honestly. Don’t be afraid. And, tell her. She might be the woman that changes your life.  

Speak up. 

Instructions on dating. 

I’ve been seeing someone, but we hit some rocky patches this summer. We dialed it way back, and now we’re dating each other. Trying to fix what’s broken. And, I’m dating  a healthy handful of other people too. This is good for me. Commitment and love don’t really work in this phase of my life. I need to see and be seen for a while. 

I went on the driest date of all. Mini date, coffee and conversation. Nice first step. Let’s break the ice. Let’s try something. Cool. 

Not cool. 

When you invite someone for coffee and conversation, you should be prepared to pay for the coffee and participate in conversation. IJS. 

1. Be prepared to pay, if you invited me. 

Because, I expect the person who asked to pay. 

I have my own funds, because I see everyone didn’t learn that. But, it says a lot about a man who A. didn’t meet me online and already knows what he’s getting himself into, B. isn’t broke AF, and C. has some manners. In his defense he offered to pay, but he used the phrase, “do you want me to get that?” Really?! I responded, “nah bro, I got it.” I literally said “bro” or more like “brah” in an attempt to show him this date just died. Then I pulled out my frequent coffee card and started this madness.

2. Conversation!!! 

Why don’t you, grown man, know how to have a conversation? Why don’t grown people know how to carry on a conversation? Why is this hard? It’s a tennis match. I say something, and then you say something. Nope. Silence. 

Then I took out my phone, checked Instagram, sent a text, and faked an emergency situation I had to leave for. Snatched up my coffee and my bag, and I was out. He was still asking questions in the back ground. This was super dry! You asking questions about where I was going, what I just said, and to please hit you up later was more than you’d mustered in the 5-10 minutes we’d been sitting there. 

It was only 5-10 minutes? Geez, it felt longer…much longer. 

3. What do you want? The reason why I’m still playing the field is because the boys on the field aren’t sure what they are playing for. 

Huh? What do you want, sir? 

The first guy, had me. I was his. We were trying the committed thing. He was hinting at loving me. I was feeling all the feelings. We were good. Until he started letting his actions and his words do drastically different things. Then when he was questioned, he was too tough to just apologize and put things back on track. He was too hard to be vunerable. So I left. I packed up my emotions and fled the scene. And, he realized that wasn’t the outcome he wanted. He realized he wanted me. He wanted this. He wanted to live the life we were in route too. 

Because you always want what you can’t have…human nature. 

I’m not ready to take him back the way we were before. I can’t keep investing with no return. Nope. Not me. Not again. So, I’m playing the field. I know exactly what I want, but I’m not giving it away for compliments and dinners. Work for me. 

I am valuable. 



I am a valuable friend.
 

I know I’m not the most available person. Between life’s responsibilities and being a mom, I don’t have a lot of time. But, what I have I will give freely. 

I try to check in. It’s a small gesture, but it’s been impactful when received. I’ll send you a message or give you call to let you know I’m thinking of you. I’ll send something I thought could be motivational. I’ll give you the funny thing I came across on social media. I want you to know I’m always here. I will find time for you. I will support you. I will love you. 

My circle is so incredibly small and so incredibly important to me. I want to be a valuable friend to my valuable friends. 

I am a valuable girlfriend. 

I love the idea of love. I love having someone’s back, being in their corner, loving and supporting their day to day, their hustle, and their dreams. 

I want to be woven into your family dynamic. I want to weave you into mine. 

I want the plus one, the sacrifice, the partner, the best friend, the above all else. I want that. 

I can be submissive, and I can be strong. You can lean on me. You can depend on me. You can trust me to be reliable.

I’m not looking to come up off your efforts. We can move forward working side by side. 

I don’t need to be saved. I’m no damsel. I’m not in distress. 

I am valuable. I am worthwhile. And, I realize that, finally. 

I’m editing the relationships in my life. I’m changing what I allow. I’m realizing my value, and I’m expecting the man I end up with to realize it too. 

In case there is any confusion…

I’m not interested in dismissive behavior. No manipulative antics. No liars. You need to have already found yourself. Be confident, a decision maker, and a leader. I can’t be involved with someone that doesn’t understand value and isn’t showing any initiative. 

Put your guard down, pray about it, and then we just try. 

Side note: I’m writing this for all the women who’ve been experiencing less than their value. For anyone who forgot, even for a moment, how amazing they are. 

We are beautiful, talented, nurturing, strong women, who deserve to be appreciated and valued. Your value is not based on you hair texture, skin tone, height, waist size, or whatever you beat yourself up about. You’re incredible. I promise. The man who doesn’t see your worth, isn’t your man. 

It’s really that simple.  

I’m seeing someone.

I’m seeing someone. It’s the graduation from dating. It’s moving into a more permanent place. This is the start of a relationship. And, I’m nervous. 

I’m trying to live in the moment. I’m trying to enjoy something that I’m not necessarily certain of. And although it’s not hard, it’s not that easy either. 

He knew me from way back. Shopped with me during my initial retail days. Flirted, but never moved forward. Took a chance almost 20 years later.

And…

That’s where the post ended, almost a week ago. I was planning to finish it. Waiting to get a little more depth. Wanting to have this amazing first entry to reference at the engagement party. 

That didn’t work out as planned. 

He wasn’t right. The reservations were choking out the good parts, and I couldn’t figure out what made it worth it. It didn’t feel good. 

We weren’t communicating well. We were only about 60 days in. The conversation was well received in the moment, but completely lost moments later. No plans were being made. No actions were taking place. Time was wasted. I didn’t want to keep trying because we made a great story. I want to make a great life instead. 

So, I cut and ran. We’d already tried again and started over. I couldn’t do this again. 

Because, it’s not supposed to be this hard. 

Wishful thinking…

08/01/2016 rabbit rabbit

New guy didn’t get the “I hate to be ignored,” memo. Obviously. Because he made me feel ignored and disregarded. Didn’t matter what he said. It mattered how he made me feel, and it was lousy. And, I didn’t want to go back to putting that much into a relationship that left me feeling that way. 

I think he understands me. 

We hit some major barriers. And, it’s probably not the last time. But, we made it through. He didn’t let me cut and run. He didn’t let me sabotage the situation. He listened. He’s trying. And, I’m relaxing into the good times without fighting back.

I think we are moving in the right direction. I think so.

This is progress. 

08/10/2016

Look at me being all hopeful and shit. But, I’m a realist. And, I know that my gut was telling me this wasn’t going to work.

It didn’t. 

Why is this so hard? Why are relationships difficult? Why can’t people just show up, say what they mean, mean what they say, and live a peaceful life? Why not? This ain’t brain surgery. Hell, it ain’t even a paper cut. 

So our final conversation was me telling him to never contact me again. And, he hasn’t since. And, I don’t miss him. Because nothing should be difficult in the beginning. No one should have a bad honey moon phase. We shouldn’t be wrestling with truth and emotions this early in. We shouldn’t be explaining any bad behaviors or asking for second chances. I’ve only known you a hot moment. You shouldn’t have had enough time to screw up. You must have come through the door screwing up. 

I can’t. 

I just want to be in a mature relationship, with a grown up, who is productively adulting. That’s it. 

Right now, I just want to sit quietly and focus on my next chapter. Because, that last one didn’t turn out according to plan.