Family

There’s always a moment for every single mother that she envisions the family she could have had, or should have had. And, with raging hormones and a new baby, it’s easy to convince yourself that it will, or should, work. It may be bullshit. Be careful.

I left for a reason. I left because I wasn’t happy. I was miserable. And, I can have all the feels, but I can’t let them drive me back into something I left for A REASON.

This is a new version of normal. I’m not going to get the mommy, daddy, two kids, two dogs, and a white picket fence. My package is different, ever evolving, and unique.

I’m still grappling with being a mom of two. The last addition I need to my basket of shenanigans is a relationship I don’t feel confident about.

When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, Blaise, I was engaged to his father. Almost immediately, I called off the engagement. Even young and naive, I knew I could only handle one major life event. I stepped away from the relationship to focus on my pregnancy. At the end, I realized the relationship was toxic, and I’d made the right decision. I mourned the loss of my son’s family. I was devastated, but always confident in my choice.

With my baby, I’d left his father months before I got pregnant. We were talking, trying again even, when I ended up pregnant. It’s been a lot to process. This wasn’t the story I’d written for myself, but my baby boy is as perfect as his older brother. And, he was meant to be. Selfish behaviors, know-it-all attitudes, and a refusal to be considerate kept his dad and I apart. They will keep us apart, forever. But, we have to figure out the parenting part, come hell AND high waters.

I don’t want to build a faux family for the sake of avoiding the stereotypes. I also don’t want to romanticize a relationship that will never truly happen.

Family comes in a variety of forms, and we have to be confident in the family we are creating, even when it’s unorthodox.

Genuinely, Happily, Single

“There are people who are genuinely happy to be single, because past relationships were extremely exhausting!” -dearladyann

It’s me. I’m people. “There is Leandrea who is genuinely happy to be single…”

I would certainly describe my last few relationships as exhausting, among other choice words. And, they pushed me to a place I’d rather not go again for awhile.

That’s okay. I’m acknowledging that I’m gun shy, and I need a break. A long break of singledom. A long break of rest. I’ve earned this. I deserve this. I need this.

I wish I could bounce back in a way that made the past seem trivial. I’d like to believe I’m strong enough to just move on. Because long term was my goal, and single forever isn’t my plan. But, I barely escaped with my sanity. I bent totally in half, but I didn’t break. And, I need to recuperate.

This is the opportunity to renew myself mentally and emotionally. Heal from the trauma. Re-establish my needs, wants, and desires. And, date freely and have fun.

Low expectations. No expectations. Impressing me is necessary to move forward.

Newborn and giving up.

6/22 I’m writing this with my newborn son on my shoulder. It’s been one week, two hours, and seventeen minutes of me being a mom of two. He’s perfect, and I’m faking normalcy.

7/27 My baby is now 6 weeks and 1 day. We’re side by side in the backseat of a car. We took a mini vacation to Memphis. It was challenging. It was an adventure. We’re in the last hour of the drive, he’s tired of the car seat, he wonders why I’m not taking him out of it, and I’m typing this with one hand while I hold his pacifier with the other.

But, he’s absolutely perfect. He’s happy and curious most of the time, but he screams his head off when he’s hungry. And, he expects his pacifier to be available 100% of the time. Doesn’t matter if he wants it. He wants it to be available. We have 6 pacifiers. He’s training me well. Again, I’m holding his pacifier in his mouth this moment.

I’m madly in love. I’m mother to 2 beautiful boys, 13 years apart, and almost identical twins. My heart is full. I can barely contain my happiness, even during 3A feedings and poop filled diapers. Life is good. I’m very blessed.

I can’t seem to wrap my mind around what’s happened in the last year. The break up. The pregnancy. The baby. Nothing was part of the plan. I give up.

And, I don’t give up in a negative way. I give up making decisions regarding love. I give up being sure of anything. Because my happiest moments were being single and open to whatever happened. I was free.

Right now, I don’t want to be a wife, or a fiancé, or a girlfriend. I just want to have a few dates, eventually. I just want a handful of compliments and a few conversations a week. It’s easy, and it lacks decisions.

Where’s your place?

Sometime late September…

Spent a number of days with the guy. Yep, the guy. Yep, it was over. Yep, we’re kinda trying. Yep, I’m not totally optimistic.

During our trek through 2 airports 2 different times, 3 time zones 2 different times, a hotel, a family’s home, 2 events, 2 marijuana dispensaries #forafriend, a pier, 2 malls, a beach…kinda, and ALL the LA traffic, I quickly realized I was walking behind him MOST of the time.

Most. Of. The. Time.

I was behind him most of the time. He left me walking behind him to a point of cutting in front of me to keep me in my place.

I’ve memorized his stroll. He walks on the outsides of his feet. Shorter stride to be so tall with long legs. Swings his arm similar to Shaggy from Scobby Do. Not as pronounced, but just as wide.

At the airport, I juggled my bags. Ended up with my purse, my carryon, my luggage, and almost myself spread out across the concrete sidewalk. He didn’t notice. He was too far ahead. Thankful for the kindness of strangers. An older gentleman helped me gather my things, ensured I was okay, and patted me on the back and smiled.

Thank you sir. Maybe I’m looking for your chivalry. It’s not dead, but you’re one of the last ones that’s got it.

And, the communication was lack luster. Mostly nonexistent. He only told me what he thought I needed to know. He left me in the dark often.

I didn’t fully realize this was happening until now. Realized yes, but not as bothered as now. This is major.

I expect the man I’m with to make a place for me, not expect me to fall in place.

I expect that if you invite me, you want me there. It’s okay though. Eventually, I’m gonna learn this lesson.

Can you give in to what’s happening?

I had a conversation with the ex, the other day, about what tore us apart.

Long story short, you could’ve had everything if you just gave up some control and submitted to what was happening between us.

Instead you controlled everything. You micromanaged everything. You refused to let your guard down enough to trust my intentions. You held your feelings in so tightly I couldn’t fit in your life.

And, I couldn’t do this any longer.

So here’s my unsolicited advice, go for it in the next relationship. Experience the journey. This will be life changing. Relationships are designed to change us. We grow from our experience.

My last relationship, before the last relationship, was emotional chaos. I spent so much time trying to figure out what just happened, what was happening, or what was going to happen I often struggled to enjoy the moment. It was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, and wandering where we were headed. It was exhausting.

It launched this blog.

I had to get out of my own head. He was an emotional rollercoaster, disrespect and disregard where the norms. I stuck it out for way too long.

He taught me a lot though. I am a different person because of what that relationship showed me about myself, what I’m willing to accept, and what my wants and needs are.

I don’t regret it. I appreciate the journey. There were good times, and although the rough times caused me to bend, nothing in our relationship caused me to break.

He was a part of the journey. I submitted to the journey, and I’m better for it.

The short of the long is take the journey. Enjoy the moments. Put your guard down. Feel the feelings. Lose control.

Nothing is promised to us. This could all be over in the blink of an eye. Just have the experience and learn the lesson. It’s all a part of your journey.

Key word today was journey. I overused it 6 times. 🤷🏾‍♀️😏

I stepped into the past.

I’ve been training for a new job. Spent time in my exes home town. Drove the same streets I drove back when I was in love with him. Emotionally drug me back into that place. Literally sat in my new red Jeep remembering when my old red Jeep went straight where I turned right.

Wow.

I didn’t expect a place to drag me back to an emotion like that. But, I hadn’t been in his area since the last time I was there with him.

Sheesh.

We didn’t work out because we weren’t supposed to work out. Right? We’re both better apart than ever together. Right? We weren’t a destination, but just a part of the journey. Right?

Right.

Maybe this caught me off guard because of the stress my new gig has caused recently. Maybe it’s the lack of closure. Maybe it’s just me looking for a way to add chaos into calmer times. I don’t know.

It ended for a reason.

I wasn’t right for him.

He wasn’t right for me.

Journey.

Not the destination.

Right?

Right…

Hello 37!

Every year, I assume this is the year I’m gonna figure it all out. I go into it with clarity and focus, and then things start to slip. LOL.

This year is different. I don’t have a big plan or any major agenda. I’m going to enjoy the ride. I’m going to explore what I don’t know, and be insanely confident in what I do know.

It’s that simple.

There are so many beautiful things to enjoy, and I’m not taking myself too seriously. I’m gonna loosen the reigns and appreciate more moments. I’ve been way too tightly wound.

I just feel so sure that I didn’t make it 37 years to fall apart now. So relax. Calm down. Enjoy the show.

My actual birthday, January 24, was amazing. Thanks to everyone who sent me birthday well wishes. I appreciate it much more than you know.

XOXO

Disclaimer: This picture was taken on my birthday vacation, with a fresh blow out to counter the saltwater attack. Thanks to Emma from Scotland, in the cruise ship salon. It was right after lunch, cool air blowing from every direction, and totally relaxed reading (the Gideon series from Eric Jerome Dickey) and watching the Gulf of Mexico off the back of the cruise ship. Spent the day before trying out a variety of Cuban cigars, having a delicious margarita, standing in clear blue waters, and haggling over unnecessary purchases all in somewheresville Mexico.

God is good. Life is good.

Here’s to 37.