Maintain that energy

I don’t think that it’s too much to ask for you to maintain the energy you were on when you pursued me, when you get me. Seriously, if you come in the relationship doing X, Y, and Z, you should maintain that.

You shouldn’t pull a switch up. You shouldn’t change the dynamic. You should keep us going at the same speed you originally established.

It’s not too much to ask. It’s not. It’s really not.

When we first started talking, it was constant and continuous. We talked or text 90K times a day. It was romantic. It was humorous. It was real. We were learning so much about each other. Our time together was interesting and fun. I enjoyed being around you…him.

Then you (he) started to pull away. Responses became one word. Time became impossible. I asked what was wrong. You (He) made me think I was crazy. Nothing had changed? There are no issues? You’ve just been busy? Tired?

I started to match that new energy. I didn’t feel compelled to talk to you (him) either. I didn’t make time for you (him). I stopped trying too hard to find time for you (him).

We both became really comfortable without the other. It was a complete 360, overnight.

I fought for you (him). Little by little. You (He) resisted.

I gave up.

Moments after we started, we ended. It was all because you (he) changed your (his) intent. You (He) switched up the energy. You (He) changed focus, and I gave in. I got tired of trying, and I finally pulled the plug. There wasn’t anything left. You (He) pushed me away with both hands.

I’m not mad. Disappointed. Every new relationship we assume is the right one. You’ll get it right. It will work itself out. When it doesn’t, it’s a lot to process.

Oh well. I’ve been here before.

Disclaimer:

As always, this is directed at someone. And, he’s someone I was wildly attached to. Loved him. Sad it didn’t work out. Not saying never, but I can’t see a change. He just refused to try.

In his defense, a lot happened right after we started dating. He became a recluse in it all. I worried he may be a little depressed, and I wanted to stick it out to ensure he knew I had his back. But, the relationship started to make me doubt myself. I started to get jealous and self conscious. That’s when I realized we needed a major change, or I needed to walk away. And, nothing changed.

I love him, and I’m sad.

Appreciate me

I have been waiting my entire life to be appreciated. Like for real appreciated. Someone or some people that realize the value that I bring to their life or lives. Family, friends, or romance can someone just act like they value my contribution?

Prompted by some stuff going on at work. I feel like nothing is ever enough. Nothing. Is. Ever. Enough. And, it dawned on me that I feel like this from a lot of different directions.

I have a constant feeling of depletion. People just drain me in negativity, complaints, and favors. I’m feeling very used up, and I’m feeling trapped in that. Or, I have.

That’s my new relationship stance. I’m not going to be everything to anyone. I’m gonna give a little, and then I’m gonna take a little. I’m going to protect myself from depletion.

If you can’t make sacrifices and contributions, you can’t be here.

I still have a boyfriend.

I still have a boyfriend, but I remember why this wasn’t the plan. Relationships are hard. Relationships feel like drowning. I’m not enjoying myself.

I still like him. I’m still in the honeymoon phase of love, but the realistic side of me is already seeing the chaos. And, I’m not happy. And, I’m concerned that he realizes I’m not happy and isn’t moving mountains. Move molehills? Hell, stand up and move in the direction of a resolution?

I don’t know where the line is drawn of me being reasonable and unreasonable. I don’t know when I want too much or just enough. It’s complicated and overwhelming. I don’t know how to move forward.

So, I’m standing in place. Perfectly still.

I don’t want ANOTHER failed relationship, but I also don’t want another failed relationship. Same situation really. I’m either in it or not.

I do know that if you don’t tend to your relationship it will fizzle and die, or someone else will swoop in and do what you aren’t doing. I know that for certain.

Officially, I still have a boyfriend.