Why would I want a friendship with my exes?

There is a sincere part of me that believes that if it didn’t end in absolute chaos, 911 calls, or extreme threats we should be friends. Seriously. If we spent that much time in each other’s lives, loving each other, building a friendship, shouldn’t we remain friendly?

So friendly, not necessarily friends. Is that too much to ask?

Yes. Yes, it definitely is. 

I had to have this conversation, lose this battle, and eat poorly seasoned crow on this one. 

I’m only speaking for myself. 

I have had this STRONG desire to maintain this “friendship” with an ex. It’s been ridiculous, at times. But, why? Why have I fought the new man, the ex, and myself for a friendship that’s not really worth it? Because I like to win, and I hate to lose. 

I like to win. 

I hate to lose. 

It’s that simple. 

I invested a lot in that relationship. I gave so much of myself, and I lost…technically. He and I didn’t work. It wasn’t a happily ever after situation. We didn’t sail off into the sunset, well not together. 

And, I was crushed. Not because we were a good fit. Nope. Not because we had both tried so hard. Nope. I was crushed, I am crushed, because I put forth so much energy and effort for nothing. 

I know. I know. It’s the journey and the lesson, but those aren’t tangible. 

I didn’t feel the love he spoke. I didn’t get the baby we wanted. I didn’t get anything but a handful of empty promises and some debilitating headaches. I lost. 

I know. I know. I dodged a major bullet. I avoided a life time of excuses, misunderstandings, and let downs. I know. I really do, but it’s hard to trade that for the tangible. 

So, I accepted “friendly”. I actually initiated it, and I even pushed for it. Because, it means I don’t walk away empty handed. 

I’m not proud of this. 

Am I still in love with this ex? Am I expecting us to work out?

No. Nah. Nope. Not even. 

It wasn’t a good relationship. He wasn’t good for me. I wasn’t right for him. It was toxic at points, and the high points are covered in sex. We weren’t good for each other. We weren’t in the same place. We don’t have the same set of values. Nothing worked. 

I don’t want to go back. I don’t think I could handle another run. I barely made it out the first time. 

I just don’t want to feel like it was all pointless. I don’t want to feel like a loser. I don’t want to have lost. 

Sheesh. 

What about the new guy? Am I willing to sacrifice the new hopeful situation for the old tragic guarantee?

No. Nah. Nope. Not even.

I guess not. But, I kinda do every time I hold out for the win, huh?

This is a classic reason, season, lifetime situation.  Was the relationship meant to last for a season or a lifetime? Or, was there just a reason to it? Am I going to sacrifice a reason relationship for a lifetime relationship? 

No. Nah. Nope. Not even. 

I have to force myself to take this loss. I have to let go of the ALL the different relationships I planned with this man before it cost me the real relationship I’m living with my man. Duh. 

That’s the real win. 

Cue DJ Khaled’s All I Do Is Win

I am valuable. 



I am a valuable friend.
 

I know I’m not the most available person. Between life’s responsibilities and being a mom, I don’t have a lot of time. But, what I have I will give freely. 

I try to check in. It’s a small gesture, but it’s been impactful when received. I’ll send you a message or give you call to let you know I’m thinking of you. I’ll send something I thought could be motivational. I’ll give you the funny thing I came across on social media. I want you to know I’m always here. I will find time for you. I will support you. I will love you. 

My circle is so incredibly small and so incredibly important to me. I want to be a valuable friend to my valuable friends. 

I am a valuable girlfriend. 

I love the idea of love. I love having someone’s back, being in their corner, loving and supporting their day to day, their hustle, and their dreams. 

I want to be woven into your family dynamic. I want to weave you into mine. 

I want the plus one, the sacrifice, the partner, the best friend, the above all else. I want that. 

I can be submissive, and I can be strong. You can lean on me. You can depend on me. You can trust me to be reliable.

I’m not looking to come up off your efforts. We can move forward working side by side. 

I don’t need to be saved. I’m no damsel. I’m not in distress. 

I am valuable. I am worthwhile. And, I realize that, finally. 

I’m editing the relationships in my life. I’m changing what I allow. I’m realizing my value, and I’m expecting the man I end up with to realize it too. 

In case there is any confusion…

I’m not interested in dismissive behavior. No manipulative antics. No liars. You need to have already found yourself. Be confident, a decision maker, and a leader. I can’t be involved with someone that doesn’t understand value and isn’t showing any initiative. 

Put your guard down, pray about it, and then we just try. 

Side note: I’m writing this for all the women who’ve been experiencing less than their value. For anyone who forgot, even for a moment, how amazing they are. 

We are beautiful, talented, nurturing, strong women, who deserve to be appreciated and valued. Your value is not based on you hair texture, skin tone, height, waist size, or whatever you beat yourself up about. You’re incredible. I promise. The man who doesn’t see your worth, isn’t your man. 

It’s really that simple.  

Tera. 

  
“I’m good on friends.” This is what I say every time someone tries to break into my circle. Often followed with, “I actually have a few too many.”

So, it should be crystal clear that I’m happy with my friendships as they are. 

I love my friends. They are my family. They are my loves. They mean so much to me, that their feelings and emotions are mine. It’s sappy and extreme but true. Because these are people I have chosen to have in my life. They are welcome in my heart. This is real. 

So when Treavor left my life, I was shocked and hurt. Then when Tera tried to bust in, I was shocked and hurt. Tera was the true and former Treavor. Transgender. Physically part male, but mentally and emotionally all woman. That’s a lot. 

I’m from small town Texas, USA. We don’t really do that. We don’t always pride ourselves on open mindedness, and the literal Bible makes our decisions. So, how do we do this? How do I bury Treavor and embrace Tera when I don’t want to? How do I tell Tera without coming across as a simple minded, Bible thumping, small town Texan? How do I explain to my friend, a holder of a key circle spot, that “I’m good on friends?” 

I don’t. 

Because Tera is the true and former Treavor, there’s no change in position. This is a change in mindset. This is my issue. This is about my sappy and extreme truth. This is about loving my friend the way I always have. And, I need to fix it. 

Tera and I hung out. I was a little apprehensive. My guards were partially up. I was nervous to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, or twist my neck and cut my eyes at the wrong thing. How do I engage a transgender person? Deep breaths. 

We went to the nail salon, did some shopping, and later ended up toasting over a few margaritas. We laughed hysterically. A few high-fives were thrown about. It was classic. 

In the end, I never figured out how to engage a transgender person. Because I hung out with Tera, the true and former Treavor. And, it was like old times with a bad ass lace front and a ballet pink pedicure. Tera is my friend. I love my friend. I admire my friend’s courage. I see my friend’s beauty. And, I am blessed to have my friend continue to open my small town Texas, USA mind, and teach me why “I’m good on friends!”

Spinster Hag v Relationship Maven

Hey Relationship Mavens,

Your single friends didn’t die when you chose commitment.

XOXO,
The girls you used to talk to everyday
AKA Spinster Hag

I’ve mentioned that all my girls are booed up a couple times. Whether or not they are happily committed is beside the point. The whole world is in love, and I’m not. It’s cool. I’m not bitter because I’m not certain I’m ready, but it’s frustrating that our relationship status changed when your relationship status changed.

I’m sad and screaming, “what about me?” Silently screaming. Screaming in my head. Because if the single girl dare say ANYTHING aloud, she is considered desperate AND jealous.

Immediately, I’ll be attacked for not being positive and happy for my friend. Becoming the spinster that wants everyone to be single because I am. Then you’ll say that’s probably why I’m alone, because of how bitter I’ve become. And lastly, some one, some recently booed up chick of course, will say that I just need to get laid. Ugh!

So I’ll sit here, remembering my only child lessons. I’ll self soothe. I’ll play alone. And when the honeymoon, the can’t get enough of each other phase, passes, my phone will ring and my last text will be returned. I’ll break my neck to get to you, because I miss you.

That’s it. 😦

No wait…I’m happy for you. Really. I am.

Platonic

Can men and women just be friends without any other relationship obligations?

I don’t know. Some of my longest lasting relationships are with men…that I dated and/or slept with. But the past is the past, right?

I’m kidding, but not kidding.

My real answer…absolutely! It can be a fantastic friendship, too!

I think that any heterosexual man and woman have to get the physical out of the way to really have a real relationship. And, it has to be totally off the table, completely. It has to be a situation where neither of you is lusting after the other. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have slept together to be friends, but putting that animalistic instinct to bed could make for a better friendship. (Don’t excuse the pun.)

I value these relationships in a completely different way than I do my girl friends. Men offer new insight in situations. Most of my girl friends and I have similar interests, thought patterns, and beliefs. We also can support each other to a point of enabling. My male friends have no problem calling me out. They want what’s best for me just like my ladies, but they are completely missing the female filter. I need that sometimes.

And, it’s nice hanging out with guys who don’t require you to be all shiny and perfect. I don’t have to put on a full face of make up or stilettos to kick it.

Disclaimer: Don’t get me wrong. I HAVE NOT slept with every one of my male friends. Promise, I haven’t. (I can even get them to sign affidavits and scan them in if you don’t believe me.) There are some relationships that have never been on my radar sexually. It was never on the table. Our chemistries didn’t connect that way.

And still, there are some relationships that went all the way. No judgements.