Love is…

“It feels like, like you’ve sewn someone else’s skin on top of yours and you can never take it off without feeling like you’ve just been ripped apart.” – Maddie Clayborn, Nashville 

I agree. I completely, totally, and overwhelmingly agree. 

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Fighting the urge…

Fighting the urge to contact him, because I’m his past even though he’s still my present. And, my future would be angry. 

It’s too much. 

I know he’s not good for me. I’ve lived all the chaos and discomfort. I’ve been in the midst of all the disappointment and heartache. I know it will never be better. BUT, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him. And, it doesn’t mean I didn’t want everything to work out like the movies. 

I was waiting for his eureka moment. Maybe, I still kinda am. Umpf.  

The newest new guy wouldn’t be okay with this, and the old guy wouldn’t really care. 

Shit. 

Found this post from 9/25/2017. I started it, but didn’t finish it. I was embarrassed because of it, struggling with, and being suffocated by it. I loved someone who wasn’t willing, capable, or interested in loving me back. 

I mean really loving me, like dangerous levels. 

And, I was hanging on with both hands. I was all in. I was looking for any signs that we were meant to be. I was giving so much of myself it was overwhelming for him. I just wanted him to know that I was the one. 

And, I wanted him to know I was moving on. Because I was, kinda. And, that should be the boost he needed for his eureka moment. Right?

The new guy, was new. I hadn’t invested much. I didn’t know him well. We didn’t have history. We were new. 

It was good, but it might be a hoax. Should I really let go of the chaos I knew for a chaos that I wasn’t sure I wanted? Should I? Really? 

In the end, I straddled the fence. The newest new guy was more chaos than I could handle, and the past needed to stay in the past. 

I learned from both of them. 

And, I walked away knowing that I either wasn’t really ready or wasn’t really committed.

You’re inconsiderate 

Sheesh. This relationship stuff is really difficult. 

I’ve been going through some drama in my relationship, and we are struggling. 

Our primary issue has been ongoing, but I’ve had a hard time verbalizing how I’ve been feeling. How do you tell someone that’s bent over backwards for you, that you think they’re selfish? It doesn’t really make sense. It sounds ridiculous. It comes across petty. And, I become the drama queen that’s impossible to please.  

But, that’s the truth. He is selfish. 

Backstory is that he’s been single for the last DECADE. Although he has dated, he hasn’t been in any relationships…at all. 

10 years, huh? That’s a long run.  That’s a long time. 

So although he’s treated me like a queen, queendom ends where his wants begin. There’s no sacrifice or consideration. This is his kingdom. 

And, I can’t. I don’t want to. 

It’s in my nature to sacrifice, consider, and make it work. So, I need to feel that it’s appreciated. There’s only so much I can give if it’s not. 

We have to figure this out. We have to. It’s figure it out or nothing.

We could have everything, but you aren’t willing to change. 

Sad. 

I think the old saying that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. 

You can teach anyone, at any age, anything they are receptive to learning. Anything. They. Are. Receptive. To. Learning. 

I hate to hear anyone tell me that their relationship didn’t work out because their significant other tried to change them. 

Why?

Because you should be grateful that they were trying to motivate you and push you forward. Maybe, they saw a future with you. Maybe, just maybe, they knew that future couldn’t exist without some fine tuning of a couple of things. 

I’m not talking about the partner that wants to change you into someone that you are not, are not interested in becoming, and won’t improve your life in any way. I’m only discussing the person that wants to help promote you to the next level. Alter a few things. Modify some stuff. Tighten up your edges. 

Backstory: The new guy and I are coming out of the honeymoon. The honeymoon is officially over, and we have been getting, at times, painfully honest with each other. It’s not always easy to take, but we have both remained open minded. We give benefit of the doubt before letting our feelings get hurt, and we hear each other out. We have been using a teamwork philosophy. If you want to see change in someone be committed to being a part of the change. And, we stay the course. We celebrate the success, and we don’t allow ourselves to railroad or be railroaded.  

I’m not saying any of this is easy or comfortable, but if they truly care about you these changes are to grow you. 

Try.