Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Week 2

Week 2 ended with no bang. That’s not a bad thing though. 

There was no weight loss, but there was no weight gain. I should have made some different food decisions. I should have guzzled more water. I should have done some things differently, but I recognize that. I can move forward differently based on honesty about this weeks decisions. 

I had some emotional disasters, but I feel like I handled myself well this past week. I spoke my mind. I was polite. I didn’t sacrifice myself…not as much as usual. 

#winning

Advertisements

The original questions revised. 

Was feeling a little down the other day. Worried this is it, and I’ll be left to navigate life alone…forever. 

Needed to figure some things out. Wanted to ask the men from my past, why they weren’t my present and future. What went wrong in our relationship, from their perspective? Really, what do I need to know, work on, and/or improve for my future relationship? Not willing to marry their answers, but I’m open to whatever it takes to avoid becoming a multi-cat household when Blaise moves away. 

Started with the guy I was sure was the last guy. He said he’d been scared. Told me it was him and not me. It was a perfectly reassuring and frustrating answer. Left me questioning more than before and wondering if it was just a cop out.

The next response came from the high school friend. We share ridiculous chemistry, but our lives have never added up to each other. He said what I knew, we’d dated each other’s friends, we went different directions, we were supposed to love each other the way we do. And, he’s totally right. I couldn’t imagine changing our current relationship. 

Then the bestie. We’ve maintained a friendship through the craziest of circumstances. Kept our relationship innocent, but questioned what if there had been more. And, there wasn’t because there shouldn’t have been. We were never in the right head space to be more. Timing was never right. We were never in the right place at the same time. And if the universe had let us try, where would we be now? Would it have been worth the risk?

Avoided the guy who cheated during our brief long-distance moment. Shouldn’t bother him and baby mama number three. He doesn’t have much time there before going back to bring chaos to baby mama number one’s life. 

Avoided the guy I walked away from. Couldn’t see the journey he was on. I was only focused on the moment. Too embarrassed about who I was back then to engage him. I’m fully aware of what I did wrong. 

The long ago ex. We never developed our relationship because he was already committed to the US Army. I didn’t want to be dragged around the world for his career, and he never asked. We fizzled out. We established our forever afters with other people. Had children. And, didn’t seek each other out until social media planted the seed. Our new relationship blossomed as our romances both died. But, we’re across the country from each other now. Too set in our ways. Too establish to change. 

Every situation gave great insight, but it didn’t help me at all. Not at all. My questions and concerns were left unanswered. I wasn’t even asking the right questions, thinking back. I’m still stuck wondering about me and wondering if there were some chances I should have made myself take. Ugh!

“Am I going about this wrong?” I asked the “long ago ex.” I gave him my reasoning. I asked him more questions. He stopped me. Why am I questioning non-experts about relationships that we both couldn’t see through? No shade. But, what did I really expect to pull from those interactions. It was a lost cause from the beginning. So move on. 

Yessir. 

And, he outlined much better questions for me. 

Am I selfish? 

 Am I too late to want _____ and _____? 

Am I looking in the wrong places? 

Am I crazy or damaged? 

What kind of men have I been with? Men I already knew would disappoint me? 

What do I want? And, have I ever had it before in life?   

Ummm…okay. 

So I’m headed back to the drawing board. Tackling a better set of study questions. 

And anyone else stuck on a romance plateu or unhappy in their current situation, should answer a similar set of questions. Let’s reconvene soon and compare answers. 

Vamos!

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Week 1

WEEK 1

This isn’t the most fun thing I’ve ever done. It’s been challenging. I’m downing more pills and supplements than I have in the last 5 years combined. I’m trying to stay conscious of what I’m doing and the whys. I’m balancing my body and my emotions. This is a lot. But, I’m committed to it. I want a longer, stronger, life than I was inadvertently planning for myself before. This is necessary. 

Going forward into week 2:

I’m meeting issues head on. I’m going to be honest with myself about what’s right for me, even when I don’t want to hear it. I’m not going to focus on the dumb stuff. And, I’m welcoming necessary distractions like jewelry making, Star Wars, and long conversations with my son. 

I’m having ALL the feelings, in real life. No more writing them down and just tucking them away. This is a journey. I don’t expect an overnight transition. I’m changing my life. 

Wrap up: I lost 3lbs, two boys, and all the chocolate chunk cookies are out of the house. 

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Days 5-7

Day 5, wasn’t so bad. I followed most of the directions, took all the supplements, and kept the majority of my emotions in check. 

Day 6 however, was interesting. Forgot a supplement, or 3. And, had two different boy/girl situations crash and burn in my face. Turns out the crush now makes my skin crawl, and the ex guy just keeps icing his cake of disappointments. 

I was doing good most of the day, but my emotions took over around 8P and forced me to inhale 2 chocolate chunk cookies. 

I reevaluated things. Cursed myself for having issues during the first week. Then cut myself a break. I’m human. Things are going to go crazy. I can deal with it. 

Better dealt with over 2 cookies than turning into 50lbs over the next 5 or so years. Been there. Done that. Wrote about it. 

Day 7 was damn good, pal! I was busy ALL DAY. I never had a moment to focus on anything other than the deadline on the next pending project. I knocked out over 15,000 steps, finished up a jewelry project, and got me and the kid shined up and to a party within 1 hour of it starting. 2/3? And, I’m calling that successful. 

I felt back on track at the end of the day. 

Same brick wall, a few times. 

  
Same brick wall. This time I just recognized what I hit. 

It’s really a simple story. I’m taking the win, and realizing it comes without closure. My heart finally recognizes the win that my brain has been waiting 2 years for. 

SMH

It just wasn’t meant to be. Two different places. Two different agendas. Two different desires. Two totally different people. 

The original Brick Wall.

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Day 3/4

Day 3 was challenging. After a difficult work day, I was left feeling over worked and under appreciated…AGAIN. And, looking for something deep fried and chocolately. I resisted though. 

I came home had a super sensible dinner, no dessert, no alcohol, and no desperate contact with the guy. Even though my rough day was pushing me back towards him. It’s not like he’s my soft spot, though. It was more wanting the familiar back. But, I didn’t…not him. I did initiate a couple texts with the crush, but nothing that led to my emotional hole, in tears. 

Day 4 started out strong. My Advocare order arrived last night, and I dove into the box like Christmas. I reviewed everything and committed to starting the program today. Feeling confident. Feeling strong. Feeling prepared for success. 

Starting my work day late, apprehensive. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, the new chaos, and what fire will appear today. 

Slipped up and talked myself into sending a text today. “You’re grown, girl. You can say, “hi.” He may have been on your mind for a reason.” It wasn’t a good idea. It’s wasn’t a bad idea, but it wasn’t necessary. I need to get him out of my system. It failed. It’s done. Let it go. 

Spent most of the morning building the blueprint to my empire and chatting with the crush. Is this going anywhere? I have no idea. Right now, I just like what’s happening in the moment. He’s cute. He’s funny. And, we have these phenomenal conversations about everything. 

Day ended on a more sour note. 

Dealt with some friend stuff I wasn’t equipped to handle. Hard to see someone self destructing in front of you. 

Ended my work day feeling overwhelmed. 

And, came home to realize my house hadn’t cleaned itself. 

I made some bad food decisions at the end of the day, but I took every supplement I needed and knocked out almost 12,000 steps. 

Tucking in my emotions for Day 5.  

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Day 2

I’m ending my day a little tired and a little hungry. I must be doing something right. 

I did start my day with a fancy, lite whipped, non-fat coffee drink. Needed a little kick in the pants. And, I still made it through the day with less calories and more steps than any day last week. 

I refused all urges to send either “GM’s” or “GN’s” in any effort to open unnecessary lines of communication. But, I did entertain a text/emoticon convo with a crush from the past. Small steps…right?!

I laughed way more than I cussed today.

#WINNING

Side note: I won’t have daily entries, but I will be chronicling this journey. 

Can’t wait to wake up to new opportunities tomorrow. 

God bless. XOXO