Was feeling a little down the other day. Worried this is it, and I’ll be left to navigate life alone…forever.
Needed to figure some things out. Wanted to ask the men from my past, why they weren’t my present and future. What went wrong in our relationship, from their perspective? Really, what do I need to know, work on, and/or improve for my future relationship? Not willing to marry their answers, but I’m open to whatever it takes to avoid becoming a multi-cat household when Blaise moves away.
Started with the guy I was sure was the last guy. He said he’d been scared. Told me it was him and not me. It was a perfectly reassuring and frustrating answer. Left me questioning more than before and wondering if it was just a cop out.
The next response came from the high school friend. We share ridiculous chemistry, but our lives have never added up to each other. He said what I knew, we’d dated each other’s friends, we went different directions, we were supposed to love each other the way we do. And, he’s totally right. I couldn’t imagine changing our current relationship.
Then the bestie. We’ve maintained a friendship through the craziest of circumstances. Kept our relationship innocent, but questioned what if there had been more. And, there wasn’t because there shouldn’t have been. We were never in the right head space to be more. Timing was never right. We were never in the right place at the same time. And if the universe had let us try, where would we be now? Would it have been worth the risk?
Avoided the guy who cheated during our brief long-distance moment. Shouldn’t bother him and baby mama number three. He doesn’t have much time there before going back to bring chaos to baby mama number one’s life.
Avoided the guy I walked away from. Couldn’t see the journey he was on. I was only focused on the moment. Too embarrassed about who I was back then to engage him. I’m fully aware of what I did wrong.
The long ago ex. We never developed our relationship because he was already committed to the US Army. I didn’t want to be dragged around the world for his career, and he never asked. We fizzled out. We established our forever afters with other people. Had children. And, didn’t seek each other out until social media planted the seed. Our new relationship blossomed as our romances both died. But, we’re across the country from each other now. Too set in our ways. Too establish to change.
Every situation gave great insight, but it didn’t help me at all. Not at all. My questions and concerns were left unanswered. I wasn’t even asking the right questions, thinking back. I’m still stuck wondering about me and wondering if there were some chances I should have made myself take. Ugh!
“Am I going about this wrong?” I asked the “long ago ex.” I gave him my reasoning. I asked him more questions. He stopped me. Why am I questioning non-experts about relationships that we both couldn’t see through? No shade. But, what did I really expect to pull from those interactions. It was a lost cause from the beginning. So move on.
And, he outlined much better questions for me.
Am I selfish?
Am I too late to want _____ and _____?
Am I looking in the wrong places?
Am I crazy or damaged?
What kind of men have I been with? Men I already knew would disappoint me?
What do I want? And, have I ever had it before in life?
So I’m headed back to the drawing board. Tackling a better set of study questions.
And anyone else stuck on a romance plateu or unhappy in their current situation, should answer a similar set of questions. Let’s reconvene soon and compare answers.