Chapter Next…


My last relationship was difficult, not every day but a solid 75/25 split. I tried everything to make it work to a point I was working against him for our greater good. I held on with both hands through the bumpiest ride, across cliffs, and into swamps. I ended up emotionally drained. Felt any conversation about what was happening would end with a critical look at me and everything I was doing wrong. I was analyzed to death. I had analyzed to death. It was too much. I wanted too much. I was giving up too much. I doubted there was anything better. Was thinking I was supposed to see this through for both of us. 

Because…

We’re so good when we’re together.

He said he loves me. 

He said he wants this. 

So, I stood in the same place and held on for dear life. I prayed for something, anything. I knew I was wasting my life standing there waiting for him to value all I was bringing to the table, even if he wasn’t ready, or willing, to receive it. I knew it. But, I’d invested too much to walk away. Right?

I prayed for something different. 

And, in walks the new guy. And, he’s totally different. And, he’s happy to be here. And, we’re enjoying what’s happening with no hang ups and expectations. 

I have expectations, but I haven’t told him. My agenda isn’t ready to be exposed. He doesn’t need to know I want to be a wife one day and that I’d love to have another kid. He doesn’t need to know how much I hate to sleep alone and that if you can get me to laugh you have me for life. 

He just needs to know I’m not going for the same silly stuff I went for before. I’m not investing without an investment. And, this could be the most incredible adventure he’s ever been on. 

So, am I really done with the last guy? He’s been the subject of 75% (give or take) of the last 2 years worth of blogs. 

Really? 

Yes. 

I don’t wanna live that life ever again. I don’t wanna go back to those feelings. And, I realize that he doesn’t want to do any of that with me either. It’s fine. I’m happy that chapter is finally over. But, I did love him. And, I own that. Maybe he held me in that place so I’d be here for the new guy or the next guy. 

Today, I’m happy again. I feel in control. And, the new guy is really handsome, incredibly attentive, and laughs at all my jokes. 

And…

Thank you to my friends who listened quietly, while I ranted over the last couple of years, when I know they wanted to shake me. 

XOXO

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Week 5…the end. 

Week 5 was okay. Just okay. I had some real success with my activity, but I hit a brick wall emotionally. Same brick wall. Now, three times…

I went into the cycle of change with guns blazing. I was ready to change everything. And, I’d given myself a tight timeline in which to do it. And, it was really hard. And, I didn’t like it very much. 

There was no real plan. There was absolutely no order. I decided to change everything, at once, in 2 months. Turns out that’s the fastest way to sign up for do-overs. And, I’ve already taken about 6 of them. 

So, that means my title was bogus. I need do-overs. I need as many as it takes to get things on track and stay on track. 

The plan: 

1. Change the title to Fresh start. New me. Only necessary do-overs. (LOL)

2. What are we focusing on changing? My attitude and my faith. My health and appearance. My relationships. My finances and career. 

3. What’s the timeline? Forever, and the day after that. I’m looking for life changes and true happiness. 

4.  What’s first? Everything is still first. I’m just slowing down the process and being realistic with myself. 

Today, I still feel like a victim. I hate to feel like a victim, more than anything. I hate to be out of control.

Earlier this week, I struggled emotionally. I let some things really get to me. Things just kept growing and mutating until it was too much to for me. I spent a couple evenings just crying uncontrollably and praying. Then trying to gear up for what the next day would hold. I’ve been exhausted. My blood pressure’s been elevated, and my blood pressure is never up. My head’s been hurting none stop, and I’ve gone back and forth between never ending hunger and being sick to my stomach. 

Like I said in my previous blog, I realized I didn’t really have a shoulder to cry on. There’s no life preserver headed my way. I’m adult. My issues belong to me.

I’m standing out on an island. It feels like it’s sinking, and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s nothing anyone else can do either. That’s okay. That’s life sometimes. We have to step outside of the situation and find peace to get through it. I’m headed in that direction, peace is finally within reach. I need to meditate and pray. I need to alter my reactions. I need to gain control of my feelings. I need a break. 

And, that’s a do-over. Because this out-of-control, helplessness, came with a host of bad decisions that I’ll spend the next few weeks fixing. And, that’s okay too. 

There’s no timeline. I’ll be writing in this series forever. I’m not committing to when or how often either. I’m just going to try. 

And, everything is going to be okay. 

Amen. 

Jeremiah 29:11 

Today…

Today started off really rough. I mean really hard. 

I try REALLY hard to be a good mother, friend, daughter, and ex girlfriend. I try really hard to meet people half way, support them when needed, and come through ALL OF THE TIME. I try. I’m not always successful, but I always try. 

Today, when things spun out of control for a bit, I looked around and felt really alone. 

And, it’s no ones fault. I’m not calling people out. I’m not a victim. I understand that everyone doesn’t have time to console me when my morning blows up in my face. Everyone can’t handle my stuff. Some are barely handling their own stuff. 

It made me realize I need to be more self reliant…yep even more than usual. 

So, today I prayed. I asked for guidance not for the ex to care more about me and my stuff or for the friend to have the right advice. I prayed for resilience not for someone to fix it for me. I prayed for patience and clarity, not a partner to complain with. And, I feel better. God led me to the right resources. God turned down my anxiety. And, God dried the tears before they’d left a noticeable mark. 

Today started REALLY rough, but it has all the potential to be a really great day!

Hang in there, I know it gets really hard sometimes. 

God is able. God is capable. God is available. 

Update: Tonight it hit me again. My emotions got the best of me…again. And, I didn’t feel better until I cried it out. I let go of the control and cried until my tears ran out. Now, I just want to rest. 

Praying for sweet dreams.