My last relationship was difficult, not every day but a solid 75/25 split. I tried everything to make it work to a point I was working against him for our greater good. I held on with both hands through the bumpiest ride, across cliffs, and into swamps. I ended up emotionally drained. Felt any conversation about what was happening would end with a critical look at me and everything I was doing wrong. I was analyzed to death. I had analyzed to death. It was too much. I wanted too much. I was giving up too much. I doubted there was anything better. Was thinking I was supposed to see this through for both of us.
We’re so good when we’re together.
He said he loves me.
He said he wants this.
So, I stood in the same place and held on for dear life. I prayed for something, anything. I knew I was wasting my life standing there waiting for him to value all I was bringing to the table, even if he wasn’t ready, or willing, to receive it. I knew it. But, I’d invested too much to walk away. Right?
I prayed for something different.
And, in walks the new guy. And, he’s totally different. And, he’s happy to be here. And, we’re enjoying what’s happening with no hang ups and expectations.
I have expectations, but I haven’t told him. My agenda isn’t ready to be exposed. He doesn’t need to know I want to be a wife one day and that I’d love to have another kid. He doesn’t need to know how much I hate to sleep alone and that if you can get me to laugh you have me for life.
He just needs to know I’m not going for the same silly stuff I went for before. I’m not investing without an investment. And, this could be the most incredible adventure he’s ever been on.
So, am I really done with the last guy? He’s been the subject of 75% (give or take) of the last 2 years worth of blogs.
I don’t wanna live that life ever again. I don’t wanna go back to those feelings. And, I realize that he doesn’t want to do any of that with me either. It’s fine. I’m happy that chapter is finally over. But, I did love him. And, I own that. Maybe he held me in that place so I’d be here for the new guy or the next guy.
Today, I’m happy again. I feel in control. And, the new guy is really handsome, incredibly attentive, and laughs at all my jokes.
Thank you to my friends who listened quietly, while I ranted over the last couple of years, when I know they wanted to shake me.