I hollered. Fanned myself. Had to lay down. Fixed myself a drink. Drank it. Repeat. Cried it out. Showered. Drank more, straight from the bottle. Oiled my scalp. Pulled my hair from the root. Screamed. Prayed. Sheesh. This is everything. Infinity. Amen.
Because I hate to lose, even if I don’t really want to win. And, I get overly attached early on. Many times it has developed into a connection, but often not. Maybe that’s why I fight so hard. I allow it to consume me. Maybe that’s why when I’m done, I’m done. I wasn’t that connected in the first place.
I thought I had something in my last relationship. I almost immediately felt this chemistry with him. We seemed instantly connected. I wanted this to work. He was kind. He showed immediate interest. Genuine interest. Q/A. He shared about himself and his life openly. We talked about goals and desires. We talked about fantasy and childhood. It was a lot.
I was falling for this guy. I had a strong connection.
Then a switch flipped. Everything I appreciated started to disappear. Less and less communication. Less and less attention. Less and less of everything.
I questioned it. I was connected. I wanted to figure it out. I was committed to fixing it. I wanted things back the way they’d been.
He told me I was imagining things. We were good. I was creating a problem. I was being ridiculous. Why can’t I just accept that we love each other and let this progress naturally?
Love doesn’t feel like this.
I became manic. This was the attachment. It kicked in at full speed.
Was it me? What changed? When did it change? What happened? Hindsight is 20/20, right? Let me play everything back. Let me profess my emotions. Let me explain my intentions. Let me fix this.
Nothing worked. And, the more I found the more I didn’t want to go back. This man wasn’t who I thought he was.
But I’d introduced my sons. I need to maintain a connection, right? I mean I don’t introduce many men, and I don’t want to seem like there’s a revolving door on my love life. So, yep, let’s be cool. Social media, a few text messages, FaceTime on holidays. Do exes do that? Can we be those people?
Of course, he said. We’re friends, he said.
But none of that was sincere.
I’m okay. I’m disappointed that I allowed my attachment to lead this far. I put my guard down. I thought things were worth fighting for when they weren’t. I allowed someone into my life that wasn’t genuine, and that happens. But when your spirit says something isn’t okay, move on.
I connected to him early, but I became attached and didn’t want to lose again when it started to go south. I fought to win a prize I would probably have been miserable having.
Attachment will wreck your life. Connection feels different.
FYI: No hate. I’m not mad. I could have walked away at any time. I made a choice to continue in the chaos.
It just didn’t work. It’s okay. No hard feelings.