35

  
Today is my birthday, and I still look good!!!

It’s my opportunity to reflect on my past year and everything that got me here. 

And, life is good. Life is incredible! 

Nothing in my life is as planned, but everything is in line. I’m grateful. 

35 will be my most impactful and productive year yet. I can’t wait to live what the year holds.

Cheers to 35!

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I’m tired. 

  
So, it may be over. Should be. I don’t know if I should jump up and down or cry in the corner. It’s just too blah. Too basic. Too underwhelming. Too tired. 

Nothing got better. Nothing improved. I always felt disregarded and disrespected. I never got to be a priority. I never felt desired…not while my clothes were on at least. 

I heard “love,” and I held on to that with both hands. 

But, he never asked me how I was doing, what I needed, or what I wanted. I never felt like he was in my corner, cheering from the sidelines, or was my soft spot to fall. He didn’t come through when claimed he would. He never apologized when he fell short. 

I tried. Still trying. Wanted it to work. But, he ain’t there, ain’t ready, and ain’t going for it. That’s unfortunate, because I put my guard down for him. 

SMH

Something happened…

Something happened. Something tragic happened. 

My friend lost her boyfriend, suddenly, in an accident. God was ready to call him home. His time on earth was completed, and with heavy hearts his friends and family had to start the process of saying goodbye. 

How do you do that? How do you breathe? How do you function? How do you move forward, when time is standing still? 

I have no idea what to say. I want to provide comfort, but I don’t know how. I’ll just be here if she needs me, and I’ll pray. 

I can’t imagine. 

Love people in the moment. Confess your feelings. Declare your love. Do not let a moment pass without expressing how you feel. 

Time is precious. Love is important. 

What just happened?

So there’s this guy, how all my crazy stories start, and he’s been pursuing me. I decided to give him my number and start those long late evening conversations. Everything was going okay. He talks a lot, A LOT, but his stories are usually interesting. And, thanks to modern technology I’m able to listen while multitasking and still get all the major points. I’m not much of a phone conversationalist so it didn’t matter much, and he was enjoying telling me his life story. So, cool. 

Until, he shared something near and dear to his heart and I disagreed. Yep, I did. I asked to play devil’s advocate. I asked to look at the other side’s feelings and perspective. But, I didn’t know that would unleash his fury. Before I knew it, he was accusing me of a million different things, interrupting me as I tried to defend myself, and twisting everything I said around. He criticized me for asking the devil into our conversation. Huh?! What now? I said devil’s advocate is a figure of speech. And, he said I was talking to him like he was dumb. He was getting louder, using my name excessively, over prounciating my name, and sighing with disbelief every time I snuck a point in between his rants. 

  
I was feeling overwhelmed. I shut down. I just wanted to go back to before. Listening to his unending stories wasn’t so bad. Can I go back to being the fly on the wall of the conversation he was having with himself? I know better now, and I won’t disagree. I won’t agree. I won’t even use words. I’ll just nod my head and hope he can tell. 

It was too late. I’d really screwed up, and there was no fix. I maintained my composure. I spoke calmly, when I spoke. But, it didn’t help. I asked to change the subject, and we did. He finally relaxed. He spoke about weather. I said a few things, but listened mostly. I was happy to be back where we’d been before. Then, he paused. It was brief, but he said it was too long without me picking up the conversation. He was upset again. He accused me of giving him the silent treatment. I promised that I didn’t. I tried to explain it was only a half second of pause. I didn’t know it was my turn.

He was upset again. The other issue resurfaced. I told him I felt like he was picking a fight. I asked him why he was defensive. In turn, he accused me of attacking his masculinity. I wasn’t though. I didn’t know what was happening. I again asked him to not interrupt me. I asked to just finish my thought. I asked. I asked. Then, I yelled. Then he got more aggressive. Then he said he should just say goodbye. And, I hung up. 

It all happened within a 37 minute conversation, after talking to each other for only 5 days. It was initially pleasant, then light hearted. We talked about our day. Then I pulled some mystery trigger that turned lighthearted to bad, then okay, and then insane. 

Why hadn’t I hung up before? It happened so fast. I felt so trapped. It didn’t even dawn on me, until he released me. I was just trying to make the crazy stop. My heart was racing. I felt like I’d been in a bar squabble. It was so much, so quick, and out of no where. I still am not exactly sure what happened. 

I seem to find all the highly emotional, extremely passionate, men the area has. I don’t have that type of energy. I want peace. I want quiet. I want laughter and fun. I don’t wanna feel the way he made me feel. It wasn’t okay. I never want to be in that situation again. 

Disclaimer: I do say that I play devil’s advocate. It’s not to upset anyone. It’s in an attempt to view all sides, to look at the situation further and with another perspective. It’s not meant to promote the devil. It’s a figure of speech, coined by the Catholic Church. It was meant to spark a deeper debate. It was to push people to see all sides in their stance. That’s it.