Toxic is toxic. 

Toxic is toxic…SMH

I’ve struggled in a relationship recently. Trying to determine if this is worth the work. 

You can’t let toxic people stay in your life. I know this sounds like a “duh” moment, but if you take an assessment of everyone in your life you’ll probably realize it’s easier said than done. 

Toxicity can live in romance, with your parents, siblings, or extended family. It can be your BF or your BFF. It can be tied to any relationship. You have to identify toxicity despite the relationship or the reason. And, you have to get rid of it. 

Disclaimer: I am NOT saying you have to cut people out of your life. You may, but you may not. It could be enough to change the dynamic of the relationship, if the other person is willing. 

No matter what, your overall health is dependent on the chemistry of your relationships. 

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Why would I want a friendship with my exes?

There is a sincere part of me that believes that if it didn’t end in absolute chaos, 911 calls, or extreme threats we should be friends. Seriously. If we spent that much time in each other’s lives, loving each other, building a friendship, shouldn’t we remain friendly?

So friendly, not necessarily friends. Is that too much to ask?

Yes. Yes, it definitely is. 

I had to have this conversation, lose this battle, and eat poorly seasoned crow on this one. 

I’m only speaking for myself. 

I have had this STRONG desire to maintain this “friendship” with an ex. It’s been ridiculous, at times. But, why? Why have I fought the new man, the ex, and myself for a friendship that’s not really worth it? Because I like to win, and I hate to lose. 

I like to win. 

I hate to lose. 

It’s that simple. 

I invested a lot in that relationship. I gave so much of myself, and I lost…technically. He and I didn’t work. It wasn’t a happily ever after situation. We didn’t sail off into the sunset, well not together. 

And, I was crushed. Not because we were a good fit. Nope. Not because we had both tried so hard. Nope. I was crushed, I am crushed, because I put forth so much energy and effort for nothing. 

I know. I know. It’s the journey and the lesson, but those aren’t tangible. 

I didn’t feel the love he spoke. I didn’t get the baby we wanted. I didn’t get anything but a handful of empty promises and some debilitating headaches. I lost. 

I know. I know. I dodged a major bullet. I avoided a life time of excuses, misunderstandings, and let downs. I know. I really do, but it’s hard to trade that for the tangible. 

So, I accepted “friendly”. I actually initiated it, and I even pushed for it. Because, it means I don’t walk away empty handed. 

I’m not proud of this. 

Am I still in love with this ex? Am I expecting us to work out?

No. Nah. Nope. Not even. 

It wasn’t a good relationship. He wasn’t good for me. I wasn’t right for him. It was toxic at points, and the high points are covered in sex. We weren’t good for each other. We weren’t in the same place. We don’t have the same set of values. Nothing worked. 

I don’t want to go back. I don’t think I could handle another run. I barely made it out the first time. 

I just don’t want to feel like it was all pointless. I don’t want to feel like a loser. I don’t want to have lost. 

Sheesh. 

What about the new guy? Am I willing to sacrifice the new hopeful situation for the old tragic guarantee?

No. Nah. Nope. Not even.

I guess not. But, I kinda do every time I hold out for the win, huh?

This is a classic reason, season, lifetime situation.  Was the relationship meant to last for a season or a lifetime? Or, was there just a reason to it? Am I going to sacrifice a reason relationship for a lifetime relationship? 

No. Nah. Nope. Not even. 

I have to force myself to take this loss. I have to let go of the ALL the different relationships I planned with this man before it cost me the real relationship I’m living with my man. Duh. 

That’s the real win. 

Cue DJ Khaled’s All I Do Is Win

Speak up, loud and clear. 

I recently started dating someone. It’s new, but it’s going well. He’s attentive and warm, encourages me, supports me, and we laugh A LOT. This is going really well. 

And, we’re nearing the exclusive stages. So, I needed to reach out to past gents and let them know I’m taking myself off the market to invest in this new venture. 

Wow. 

Just the other day, I was making declarations about being single. Enjoying my freedoms. Not looking or expecting anything more than a few dates, a few cocktails, and a few laughs. I was finally enjoying being a single girl. I was invested in me. I was focused. 

Then he came along. And, he’s screwed up everything.

I’m happy. 

So, I start the conversations. And, 2/3 confessed that they wanted more. They’d been thinking about more. They’d been considering more. They’d realized their feelings for me were stronger than they’d thought. The other one saw this coming. Wanted me to be happy. Wished me well. Promised we’d be friends. 

Okay then. 

If you knew you wanted me, why didn’t you speak up? What’s wrong with you? 

Wait…did you think I was gonna stand in this space forever? Did you believe our non-relationship was so strong it would last forever?

No. NO. NO!!!

I was open to the man who would change my plan. You didn’t. 

I’m okay with that. But, as a woman who cares about you, I’m telling you don’t let another woman pass you by. Live in the moment. Love honestly. Don’t be afraid. And, tell her. She might be the woman that changes your life.  

Speak up. 

Don’t pretend to be my friend. 

Don’t pretend to be friends if you want more than friendship. 

Seriously. Both people will get hurt. Both will feel shortchanged. 

I tried to befriend someone that has feelings for me. I wish I could have reciprocated those feelings. He was a nice guy. But, I don’t feel it. I can’t fake it. I can’t force it. We can be friends though. 

He said okay. Until, I couldn’t live up to his expectations. Then the friendship I thought existed was just a casualty. It never became innocent. It never switched to friendship. It went from love to lust, romance to sex. If he couldn’t have a relationship with me, he wanted to have me in bed. And, I don’t want any of that. I just wanted to be his friend. It was kind of the consolation prize. We don’t have anything in common. We don’t know any of the same people. I just wanted to be civil. And, I thought he was a nice guy. 

But, he ruined that. 

It’s okay though. I was over my friend quota anyway. 

I just wish he’d given an ultimatum earlier on. We could have avoided so many senseless interactions. 

If anyone speaks to him, can you give him a message? 

Take care of yourself. I wish you well. 

Confessions 


Here’s my confession, a couple of weeks ago I was a mess. I wrote this but didn’t publish it. It was too raw. I was too fragile. One misinterpreted comment could have sent me over the railing. It was a rough time. And, it almost got the best of me. 

I’m fighting back tears as I write this. I don’t even have an exact reason to be upset. I can’t think of the specific thing that makes me cry. It’s all of the things. It’s the fact that my job is suffocating me. It’s the fight with my mother. It’s the drama with the man I care about, and the drama with the man I’m obsessed with. It’s all of it. It’s everything. It’s all happening at once. And, I can’t breathe. This, all of it, is strangling me. And, I don’t know how to help myself. I don’t know how to move past this. I’m scared. 

This isn’t easy. 

This is real life, and I was in a dangerous place. 

And, when I put my guard down and reached out to the people closest to me, I realized who my friends really are. The most dynamic relationships in my life are my friendships. I value the people that didn’t let me break in half over the people that tried to break me.

I’m back. It was a long emotional road, but I made it back. 

Thankful for the amazing friends that pull you back from the brink of your crazy. 

He misses me…

So, there’s this guy. Again, a guy from my past, Mo. We have been friends for 100 years. It’s always been innocent except for that one time liquor was involved. It went further than it should have, but not all the way.

We are friendly. We check in. We actually have conversations instead of text messages. He refuses to text. I blame it on him being older and refusing technological advancements. He says it’s not the way people should interact. Whatever.

There’s always some flirting. We often talk about what could have been. We keep it light hearted.

Today, he called. When I answered he said, “I missed you.” Those three words changed the game. I love those three words. He probably didn’t realize it, but I’d just had an emotional shift. And, I needed to handle it. My response was, “I can’t wait to tell the other girls. They’ll be so jealous.” He laughed. And, I saved myself from saying something sappy like “I missed you, too.” We aren’t ready for that. I’m fresh out of the crash and burn. It hasn’t even been 30 days, and there’s the Danny saga, and just wait until the James update. I’m an emotional mess. And although I hate to admit it, there’s too much emotion attached to the crash and burn for me to risk my friendship on a rebound.

So, I’ll probably regress. I may even text him this evening. Maybe a sad face emoticon about the Mavericks game. He’ll really hate that.

Emotionally shifting back into place.