emotionally unavailable v emotionally available

I read this article recently about unavailable people. I’d already determined that was an issue in my last relationship. I’d assessed the situation, and made that determination, with no expert opinion at all. He was emotionally unavailable, and since I struggle with my own emotional availability it was a recipe for disaster the moment we said hello. 

You live and you learn. 

What doesn’t kill us makes us strong. 

Everything is a lesson. 

Blah. Blah. Blah. 

The article, on PsychologyToday.com, outlined 12 signs of unavailable people. He was 2-5 and 7-12. I’m 2-4, 7, and 8. 

Disaster. Or, maybe we deserved each other. Keep us away from the emotionally available people. Don’t let us taint the clean dating pool. 

12 Signs of Unavailable People

1. They are married or in a relationship with someone else.

They are just playing in your life. You provide something that their relationship doesn’t. Maybe you’re filling a physical or financial gap. Maybe the simplistic, emotionally stunted, relationship you offer is easier than the requirements of their real relationship. 

This could also be the serial dater. (Maybe I’m a 1, too.) Maybe they never fully commit. Maybe they are dating a few people at the same time. 

2. They can’t commit to you or have feared commitment in past relationships.

Commitment is scary. I get it. I know! But, someone unwilling to put their guard down and try is a waste of your time. 

3. They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the brake.

So maybe they’re trying, sometimes. Then they get scared and pull back. Then you pull back, and they freak out and move forward again. Then you move forward, and they freak out and pull back…again. It’s an endless cycle if someone doesn’t call it out for what it is…foolish. You have to open the lines of communication, and be willing to let it all go if needed. Because it’s immature.  They only want you if they think they can’t have you. Nah. 

4. They are emotionally distant or shut down, or can’t deal with conflict.

Instead of working out an issue, they avoid it and you. They don’t seem interested in finding a resolution. They aren’t interested in fixing the issues in your relationship because they aren’t invested in the relationship, in the first place. 

5. They’re mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually.

Good sex can prolong a bad situation. Don’t mistake a physical connection for an emotional one. 

6. They are practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers.

Just let them go. They will keep trading around addictions, including whatever it is y’all have going, with only self sustaining commitment, until you’re all used up. 

7. They prefer long-distance relationships, emails or texting, or don’t introduce you to their friends and family.

Do they ever call you, or just text you? Do they take your calls? I like to text as much as the next person, possibly more. This is an issue for me, but I push myself to at least one conversation a day. It’s the model I’ve established to keep myself engaged. That’s not a lot, and it doesn’t have to be long conversation. Just enough to avoid ending up in a text only relationship. 

If you can’t get someone to talk to you, they are obviously not interested. 

And, on that whole introduction thing in my past gig. We never really introduced each other to friends or family. Neither of us seemed to have an issue with that. That’s not okay. What were we hiding? Why weren’t we advertising, elevating, and celebrating our relationship? Because, it was a sham?

8. They are elusive and sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods.

A ghost? Yep. That’s what I call the elusive man. 

I work A LOT myself. I get it, but you have to make or create time. Because, you find away to do things that you find valuable. IJS. 

9. They are seductive with you but make empty promises—their behavior and words don’t match.

YOUR ACTIONS SHOULD DEFINE YOUR WORDS. That’s it. Do what you say. 

Otherwise, you’re a liar. 

10. They send mixed messages, flirt with others, or don’t give a straight answer—you’re always trying to “de-code” what they really mean.

I have 3 decoder rings on, and I’m thumbing through the entire Nancy Drew series trying to figure out how to make you love me. 

It shouldn’t be this difficult. And when it’s right, it isn’t difficult. It’s work and sacrifice, but it doesn’t include smoke, mirrors, and manipulation. 

11. They’re narcissistic, only considering themselves, not your needs.

I am incredibly considerate. Because I know how awful it feels to not be considered, I make it a point to think about the people around me. It’s devastating when that’s not reciprocated in a romantic relationship. It’s as simple as treating people the way you want to be treated. If you aren’t being considered, you aren’t being loved. Your time and feelings are just as valuable as theirs. 

12. They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential to be loving, then withdraw.

Let me do just enough to keep you hanging on. SMH

So my relationship tanked, it was destined too, and I was angry. I was furious. Then I had to take a step back. I’m emotionally unavailable too, but I was trying to get past that. I was working on my issues. I still am. I am considerate and thoughtful. He just wasn’t, or I didn’t feel it.

I’m not angry now. Definitely still hurt. I’ll be hurt for a little while. It was a rough gig, but I’m not stuck in my emotions. I’m moving on. I’m moving forward and working on me. 

Got 7 down, and forever working on 2.

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Put me in coach. Pick me.

I want to be first string in my relationships. Is that asking too much?

Had a little situation recently. He changed plans with me to support a friend. I get it, you should support your friends. But, understand that I will get jealous. It’s not cute. It’s not necessarily okay, but it’s how I felt. I don’t wanna compete with the other people in your life, especially if I’m going to lose.

How do you say that without coming across as a brat?

That’s our issue. Our problems are typically the things that I consider obvious, that he completely misses. And, bringing them up makes me look petty. Every time. I shouldn’t have to say make me a priority, but I do. He won’t understand my feelings, and then he will become defensive. Then we have a spat and avoid it completely until the happens again. This is a cycle of crazy.

Disclaimer: This post was originally written onDecember 27th. These issues aren’t mine issues anymore, but my feelings were valid enough that I wanted to go ahead and post.  

“I hope he can find someone who loves him as much as I do.”

One of my girlfriends, she’s a genius, said the most interesting thing the other day. We were talking, watching TV, and discussing love lost. Just typical girl talk. She’s recently gone through a break up. It’s been rocky, at times. Break up. Get back together. Can’t stand to be apart, but can’t make it work together. That kinda stuff.

I had my own brick wall to commiserate with. 

She told me she loves him. Wants the best for him. Recognizes she ain’t it for him, and he ain’t it for her, right now maybe forever. She says, in between commenting on the DVR’d episode of Scandal and eating, “I hope he can find someone who loves him as much as I do.” 

Huh?! “What does that mean?”

She went on to tell me she’s still hoping they make it. He needs to fix his ego and get his affairs in order. He has some projects in the works. Nothing’s coming easy, and she’s been his scapegoat. It’s been too much. 

I asked her, “do you think you feel that way because you’re still holding out hope?” Because that’s beautiful to say, but is that how you really feel?

“Maybe…yeah, probably. I’m not sure. I just know that I love him. And, I just want the best for him.”

I hope they work out. Her love for him is incredible, so pure and genuine. It’s been almost 6 years, and they’ve known each other even longer. They’ve conquered a lot. They deserve to make it. I hope they make it. But if they don’t, there’s no one that will ever love him the way she does.

Disclaimer: Repost. My original post defaulted back to draft. One more try…