Fool me once…Fool me twice

Fool me once, shame on you. But, fool me twice and shame on me.

That resonated with me this week as I found my voice and officially left the chaos of my last relationship.

I tried to do everything right in this relationship. I gave over control when he was uncomfortable. I tucked away my own needs when they weren’t acknowledged. I listened. I behaved. I let go of everything that bothered me, to guarantee peace in the relationship.

I thought this would pay off. I thought it would get me everything I thought I wanted. Surely, this would get me down the isle and determine if more babies came into my life. I just had to do everything right. Silence my concerns. Mute my feelings. This can work.

I didn’t last. I felt smothered. I couldn’t breathe. So, I spoke up. I asked for what I needed. Continuing to try my best to maintain the sacrifices I’d committed to. I did my part. And, he agreed. He said yes. And, I continued. I wanted the marriage less, and I questioned the babies more. But, I’d committed. So, although I voiced my concerns, I didn’t say no.

Nothing changed. Nothing.

But, I stayed. I taught him that he didn’t have to respect my feelings. I taught him that I would give without demanding anything. I taught him that respecting me was negotiable.

I didn’t realize it, though. I thought we were on the right track. I just had to stick it out. The change was on the horizon.

We broke up. I put my foot down. Nothing changed. And, one day I realized that this was as good as it would get. I’d taught him that I was a joke. He’d fooled me again and again, and I had no one to blame but myself.

And, this was overwhelming. He’s a good guy. He’s a nice guy. He doesn’t mean any harm. But, he’s not my guy. Because my guy would have heard me. He would have changed what needed to be change. Or, he would have tried. I’d feel safe. I’d feel loved. I’d be happy, more than not. But, I don’t.

I feel ignored. I feel disrespected. I feel disregarded. I feel sad and hurt. I feel very lost at the end of this relationship, but I also feel very free.

Fool me one time, shame on you

Fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you

Fool me three times, fuck the peace sign

Load the chopper, let it rain on you

-No Role Modelz

J. Cole

Be careful

Be careful of the man who doesn’t respect your feelings.

Be careful of the man who doesn’t respect your child.

Be careful of the man who doesn’t respect your time.

Be careful of the man who doesn’t value your intelligence.

Be careful of the man who refuses to hear you, talks over you, and disregards what you say.

Be careful of the man who is emotionally stunted or broken.

Be careful, because it doesn’t matter how good other aspects of your relationship are, this man will never value you as an equal or treat you with respect.

Be careful, because this man probably lacks compassion, sympathy, and empathy.

Disclaimer: This is not a poem. This is not artistic. This is a warning. Be careful.

The only man, baby, I adore

I gave you everything, what’s mine is yours

I want you to live your life of course

But I hope you get what you dyin’ for

Be careful with me, do you know what you doin’?

Whose feelings that you’re hurtin’ and bruisin’?

You gon’ gain the whole world

But is it worth the girl that you’re losin’?

Be careful with me

Yeah, it’s not a threat, it’s a warnin’

Be careful with me

Yeah, my heart is like a package with a fragile label on it

Be careful with me

Be Careful by Cardi B

I just want to be happy.

I just want to be happy.

I subscribe to the religion of happiness.

Happiness above all else.

Relax and be happy.

I’ve spent the last year breaking up with someone. A year before that, I spent three years with someone pushing me away.

It’s been a long five years. A really REALLY long five years. And, I’m exhausted. Wiped out. Over it.

I just want to be happy, find love, and live my best life.

And, I’m separating my happiness from love. They aren’t tied to one another. I know.

I know.

It’s just that love seems to keep screwing up my happiness. Hard to separate something that won’t separate.

IJS