I’m seeing someone, again.

Same guy from before. And, I’m trying so hard. Maybe I’m just not ready. Maybe this is too much. Maybe this is just a bad idea. 

IDK.

I just can’t seem to make this work. It still doesn’t feel right. 

We had lunch together. He asked, and I accepted. I was actually looking forward to going. He’s a really nice guy. 

But, it fell apart…again. I brought up politics during our lunch. Nothing deep. It wasn’t whether he was with her or for him. It was a simple question, “are you going to vote?” I know it breaks the don’t discuss politics rules, but we had already hit all the safe topics, I’d already participated in the neighboring table’s conversations, and I’d commented on every ingredient of my salad and sandwich. “This chicken is seasoned so well, and I’m surprised how good these cucumbers are so late in the season.” It was complete silence. 

We were just there. Neither of us had moved to leave, but there wasn’t much to stay for. 

Let me set a match to this discomfort. “Are you going to vote?” Explosion. And, our date went up in flames. He didn’t even notice. It turned into him aggressively debating his point about how pointless voting would be, and me sitting their quietly with my eyebrows on fire. 

Then time caught up with me. I had to run. Honestly, I had to run. I was escaping, but it was with reason. 

At the door, he walked out ahead of me. His entire body was outside the door when I caught up. And, he held it behind him until I walked out. I hated that. It was a small thing. But, I was bothered by it. I felt like an after thought. You didn’t turn around and ensure I didn’t break my neck falling through the door or save me from getting smacked in the face. You held the door behind you, like I was a stranger. You held the door, like I’m not the girl you want to sleep with. You held the door, like you didn’t want this to go anywhere.  And, it bothered me. 

I’m trying. Or, am I nit picking? I know the political situation had me feeling some type of way. I know my radar was on high because of the last guy. I don’t like to be ignored or feel ignored. I don’t like that I’m feeling this way in the first 60 days. 

I think I’m trying. 

I just don’t know. 

It’s not supposed to be difficult this early. 

With everything I allowed and let go with the last guy, I just don’t want to make the same mistakes. I don’t want unnecessary aggression. I don’t want to be disregarded. And, I don’t want to second guess my decision making.

“What a wicked way, to treat the girl that loves you…”

“What a wicked way to treat the girl that loves you…”

I’m not much of a Beyoncé fan. Just telling the truth. I think she’s talented, but I don’t subscribe to the beehive. 

But when you’re picking your heart up off the floor and your emotions have been spinning out of control, an album like Lemonade will speak to you. 

Right now the song Hold Up means everything to me. I know, I’m late. 

“What’s worse, looking jealous or crazy?”

I still don’t know, and I’ve been both. 

It’s over now. I wish I could say I got the strength to walk away, but really he cancelled the insanity. I would still be deep in dumb shit, wondering when it would end. Actually, I was praying it would get better. I’m not sure why. 

This was a horrible relationship, but he only did what I allowed. I wasn’t his victim. I was madly in love with a man that wasn’t ready for me to be madly in love with him.

He pushed me away, and I ran back. I was like a stray cat, and he fed me. He kept feeding me. I didn’t know if I was supposed to stay or move on. It was emotional chaos. 

Ouch. 

It’s not my finest hour, or 105120+ hours, or 1095+ days, or 156+ weeks, or 36+ months, or 3+ years. 

It was a foolish relationship, and that’s not typically me. I usually keep my head on straight. I don’t get caught up in the silliness of love. I love with logic and stay rational. I listen to my head. I examine every reservation. Usually. 

I’m not embarrassed. I’m still a little wounded. Still hurt. But, I’m rational on the other side. I’m feeling strong. And, I’m going to be just fine. 

I feel like myself again.

I am valuable. 



I am a valuable friend.
 

I know I’m not the most available person. Between life’s responsibilities and being a mom, I don’t have a lot of time. But, what I have I will give freely. 

I try to check in. It’s a small gesture, but it’s been impactful when received. I’ll send you a message or give you call to let you know I’m thinking of you. I’ll send something I thought could be motivational. I’ll give you the funny thing I came across on social media. I want you to know I’m always here. I will find time for you. I will support you. I will love you. 

My circle is so incredibly small and so incredibly important to me. I want to be a valuable friend to my valuable friends. 

I am a valuable girlfriend. 

I love the idea of love. I love having someone’s back, being in their corner, loving and supporting their day to day, their hustle, and their dreams. 

I want to be woven into your family dynamic. I want to weave you into mine. 

I want the plus one, the sacrifice, the partner, the best friend, the above all else. I want that. 

I can be submissive, and I can be strong. You can lean on me. You can depend on me. You can trust me to be reliable.

I’m not looking to come up off your efforts. We can move forward working side by side. 

I don’t need to be saved. I’m no damsel. I’m not in distress. 

I am valuable. I am worthwhile. And, I realize that, finally. 

I’m editing the relationships in my life. I’m changing what I allow. I’m realizing my value, and I’m expecting the man I end up with to realize it too. 

In case there is any confusion…

I’m not interested in dismissive behavior. No manipulative antics. No liars. You need to have already found yourself. Be confident, a decision maker, and a leader. I can’t be involved with someone that doesn’t understand value and isn’t showing any initiative. 

Put your guard down, pray about it, and then we just try. 

Side note: I’m writing this for all the women who’ve been experiencing less than their value. For anyone who forgot, even for a moment, how amazing they are. 

We are beautiful, talented, nurturing, strong women, who deserve to be appreciated and valued. Your value is not based on you hair texture, skin tone, height, waist size, or whatever you beat yourself up about. You’re incredible. I promise. The man who doesn’t see your worth, isn’t your man. 

It’s really that simple.  

I’m seeing someone.

I’m seeing someone. It’s the graduation from dating. It’s moving into a more permanent place. This is the start of a relationship. And, I’m nervous. 

I’m trying to live in the moment. I’m trying to enjoy something that I’m not necessarily certain of. And although it’s not hard, it’s not that easy either. 

He knew me from way back. Shopped with me during my initial retail days. Flirted, but never moved forward. Took a chance almost 20 years later.

And…

That’s where the post ended, almost a week ago. I was planning to finish it. Waiting to get a little more depth. Wanting to have this amazing first entry to reference at the engagement party. 

That didn’t work out as planned. 

He wasn’t right. The reservations were choking out the good parts, and I couldn’t figure out what made it worth it. It didn’t feel good. 

We weren’t communicating well. We were only about 60 days in. The conversation was well received in the moment, but completely lost moments later. No plans were being made. No actions were taking place. Time was wasted. I didn’t want to keep trying because we made a great story. I want to make a great life instead. 

So, I cut and ran. We’d already tried again and started over. I couldn’t do this again. 

Because, it’s not supposed to be this hard. 

Someone should take my phone away. 

So…I made a fool of myself the other day. It’s okay. I’ve done it before and recovered. It just is what it is sometimes. I tried to fix it. And, I didn’t even hang my head in shame. I just owned what happened. 

My feelings got the best of me. I was already on edge and emotional. Thought adding a last stitch declaration to the past, without the present’s knowledge, was a fabulous idea. Not so much. 

I vomited everything. How I felt and what it meant. But, it didn’t matter. It was totally unnecessary, and I ended up looking like a fool. 

LOL, I’m okay though. Promise. 

“Let it go, girl. Do not engage. Lie back and relax.” Is the advice I’d give myself, IF I’d been willing to listen. Because someone who has had a couple drinks to tame their anxiety and is still running on high emotion shouldn’t use their phone for anything more than games. Nothing. More. Than. Games. 

But, the good side is in the failed fix, it’s processed. It’s processed to death. Twice. And, I’m going to be okay. 

“He’s just not that into you.”

“Y’all are in different places in your life.”

“It wasn’t meant to be.”

“You can’t make someone love you.”

“Blah. Blah. Blah. Let it go, girl.”

I’ve said it all. I’ve heard it all. I just needed to process it. I needed to feel the hurt, and not excuse it way. I had to process my truth and the truth. And, I’ll be okay. 

He didn’t meet me where I stood, because he wasn’t interested. And, that’s okay. There’s someone who is really interested, and he deserves my attention. 

I got my heart back.