1 years time…

We’ve all been there, the dreaded end of the relationship you thought was gonna last. I’m in the midst of being the listening ear and supportive shoulder with two women I know. I find it’s my most often topic of counsel. So it didn’t work. You must move on, or at least fake it.

One of my main questions to a woman going through a break up is whether this is going to matter in 1 years time.

Probably not.

And that’s not meant to be cruel.

Today, in this moment, you’re devastated. I get that. Right now, it’s hard wondering why this happened, if you could have changed things, or what went wrong. But, will this always matter this much?

You probably said yes. You’re wrong.

My feelings have always changed in that year. They may not have completely gone away, but they have definitely lessened. I can eventually see that relationship for what it was. Whether it was one sided, loveless, abusive, or just generally bad, within that year I find that clarity.

I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt. Your feelings have validity. I’m just saying it’s not gonna hurt forever. And within a years time, you’ll be in a happier and healthier place.

Put your relationship under a microscope. Was it really good, or was it so comfortable you were willing to deal with anything. Because if it was really that good, you’d still be in that relationship.

This is a gift. This is your time, energy, and focus back. This is your opportunity to start anew and fresh. You have so many options you didn’t have before. And, that’s where your focus should lie. Pick up the pieces and strive for the other side. Before you know it, a year would have passed, and you’ll be in a better place.

And you probably won’t even remember his name.

Ok you will, but saying it won’t evoke tears anymore.

Danny

I sent Danny a text. I asked him what he wanted. He was sending mixed messages, and I was becoming more and more withdrawn. Before I fell back into this relationship, I needed to have some clarity. I know I’m teetering between rebound and a real future. And, I really don’t wanna make any mistakes.

I’m up to my old tricks. Instead of getting out there and having dates and experiences, I’m picking men from my own pond. I’m dating those I once dated. Danny isn’t any good for me. He’s terrified of the work the future requires, but he adores me. He also needs it to be easy. He’s afraid of everything. Because within two minutes of me asking him what he wanted, he asked me back.

I. Can’t.

I need someone who can answer that question. If nothing else say you want me. Playing it safe. Sitting on your feelings. Throwing the question back to me. None of those options are what I expect from the man in my life. Take the lead. Make a decision. Wear the pants. Say what you need to say! Because, I don’t want shit from anyone that doesn’t know what they want with me.

Background: I dated Danny over a year ago. It fizzled out. And, I wrote about him in a past blog, Road trip continued…

The LIST

It occurred to me that I have referenced “The LIST” a number of times, without giving much direction on how to create one.

Here we go. Pencils ready?

1. List the qualities and attributes you want in a partner.

2. Define what you mean. Be brief.

3. Organize them between wants and needs.

4. Commit to your list.

5. Keep your list available. Keep it relevant. They are subject to change.

I started my list of the qualities I’m looking for. Wait, I’m not supposed to be looking. Qualities I’m praying for.

1. Compassion. I’m a tough chick. Not too many things can get me down. Nothing breaks me, and I seldom bend. But if I do bend slightly, I want you to be the one I go to. I want you to have a compassionate hear and a shoulder if I need to cry.

2. Confidant. I have friends. I have this blog. I have multiple means to get things off my chest, but I rather run to you. I want my man to be my best friend.

3. Provider. I can take care of my son. I can provide financial and emotional support to him, but I find it’s far more difficult to emotionally support myself. And although I don’t need your funds to pay the bills, it would be nice to build more leisure for us all with some help.

4. Willing to sacrifice. Can you consider my feelings, wants, and needs even when they aren’t in line with yours? Will you choose us, or me, over you when it matters most?

5. Cleans up well. I’m a casual girl. Most of my clothing comes from one of the Gap, Inc. brands. I don’t need a man in 3 piece suit from day to day. But, I expect you to be dressed well most of the time, and clean up impeccably.

6. Conversationalist. We have to be able to talk. And, our conversations need to be in a vast array of topics. You need to initiate an equal amount of those conversations.

7. Attractive. Attractive to me. I like oddity and character. Your uniqueness is attractive, but I also want a face I adore and a body I desire.

8. Superhero. Sounds crazy, but that’s it. It’s my best description. I want to feel like there’s nothing you can’t do. You are strong and a force to be reckoned with. You protect us. You care for us. You have an “S” on your chest, too. I want you to be everything I envision a superhero to be.

9. Integrity. You MUST be a man of integrity. I will not settle for dishonesty or poor principle. Your integrity ensures you being a family man and all that entails. It guarantees your commitment to our relationship, our family, and our future.

These are all requirements. I left my petty wants off this list, but stuff like being taller than me is still on my master list. These were some of the top things I’ve highlighted on my long list. These are my deal breakers. If you can cover all this, we might be able to be the same height.

Disclaimer: I’ve been making and revising my list for more than a decade. Life changes. Your needs and expectations change, too. The list is supposed to be a guide to avoid settling for less than what you need in a relationship. It’s not meant to be a vain blueprint for a man that doesn’t exist. Be realistic.

Disclaimer 2: Remember he may expect you to live up to the same traits you require of him. And, he probably has his own list. This isn’t a meat market. It’s about finding your perfect connection.

And, it is always with me as a resource and reminder.

The LIST was referenced before in blog posts The LIST: brainstorming and Is a bad man better than no man?

Attention Seeking SBF

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I need attention!

I’m stating fact, and I’m not apologizing. If he can’t make time for me…well, that’s a deal breaker. I am firmly convinced that if I can make time for him he can make time for me. I should NEVER be left wondering where we stand or what’s going on. We should have clear, open, lines of communication.

My side…
I rather text than talk, most of the time. I talk ALL day at work. And unless we are together, texting can usually be enough. Plus, I love to read those conversations over when I have a little free time. I enjoy the wit. And, if there was a problem I can usually go back and better see things from his side.

Texting shouldn’t completely replace conversations though. I like having time with him. Seeing his facial expressions and hearing his voice are so incredibly important to me. We need that connection. But knowing our time is limited, we have to find other ways to make it work.

I work 40 hours a week, like most of the rest of the world, but they can be random. I’m on my feet, selling, offering customer service, and supporting a team of people. I have a young son. There’s school, extracurricular stuff, mom and son time, meals and bed time and bath time. I own a small business. I try to run it well, but other responsibilities often get in its way. I run our lives, a household, manage work responsibilities, and try to keep my business afloat. I’m busy! And although my time is limited, I will always make time for us.

He has to do the same. Find the time. Because it’s true that you make time for what’s important. And, our connection and relationship depend on the amount of attention we give each other.

Sex

Let’s talk about sex, part one. I wish this was open forum instead of just me blowing smoke up your crawl. But, here goes…

I think sex is a BIG deal. I think it is about connecting with and pleasing yourself and another person. I don’t think it should be taken lightly. All that said, it’s fun! It should be fun, but it should also be taken seriously.

I don’t have casual sex. There are times in my life I would be rationalizing my opposition to my own statements, but right now this is my truth.

Sex is a pleasurable experience between two people. It’s a way to solidify a relationship and build on it. That’s what it is to me, at least. And, if and when you take off the protection, that’s establishing a connection that’s not meant to be casual.

Let me back up and say I believe in safe sex. I think that as sexually active adults we should be taking every precaution to protect ourselves from the threat of communicable disease, unplanned pregnancies, and heart break. We should have sex with a clear mind and heart, not under the influence of lust or desperation.

Find a level of control sexually. Don’t give up your power, and allow someone to persuade you to do things you know you aren’t comfortable with. Have a voice. Have convictions. Have fun!

Is a bad man better than no man?

Go ahead…tell me your lies. Because the same chicks that say absolutely not, are the chicks who are dating the men they are condemning. Go ahead…I’m ready.

And if you aren’t her, you’re friends with her. And, you’re sitting beside her helping to justify why she’s still with him. She loves him, right?

We are terrified to be alone. We probably pray to God for the perfect relationship more than we pray for our health. We will stay long after we should have left out of fear that there will never be anyone else. I get it. We have all been there.

Step back and look at your situation. Are they bringing you more than they are taking away? Would the unemotional you have left this relationship already? Do you see a happily ever after with this person? Are you loving your significant other or terrified to not have anyone to love?

Valid questions.

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We are settling ladies! We are expecting and accepting less than what we want. And because so many of us are in this rut, we are making it impossible for the girls who don’t want to settle. We have conditioned so many of the men to just show up. We aren’t asking much. We aren’t demanding anything. And human nature is LAZY! If you don’t require anything you get nothing. NOTHING.

So what are we going to do to change the game? The list. If you are honest with yourself, and realistic, you are requesting an attainable man that’s well suited for your needs. Pray over your list, and then work on you.

Work. On. You. YES. Too often you expect God to deliver perfection and you are barely on the D-list. Are you a match for what you’re requesting?

If you want a man who is in tip top shape, carry your behind to the gym! Number 1: He might be there. Number 2: He’s going to expect you to be physically fit too.

If you are asking for an intelligent man, you need to be able to talk about more than RHOA and Basketball Wives.

If you want an immaculate dresser, you’re gonna have to push your own wardrobe past tees and jeans.

These men aren’t being created like Weird Science. They are going to have expectations too. If you want him to live up to your list you need to be prepared to live up to his too.

Seek out your perfect relationship. Don’t give up. Don’t settle. Spend this time creating your best!

Disclaimer: A bad man for you may be good for someone else and vice versa. We are looking for our personal connection. Don’t get caught up in any ridiculousness.

Romance

My online dating profile asked how romantic are you. As a woman I leaned towards “extreme,” but let’s be real. My honest answer is “seldom” or “unnecessary.” I don’t really need romance. I like romance, but I’m more concerned about our day to day gig than a bouquet of flowers.

Traditional romance has it’s place. Please wine and dine me to death on anniversaries, birthdays, and the dreaded Valentines Day. But outside of that, just the little things. And, I’ll reciprocate that. I’ll handle fulfilling your wants and needs while you fulfill mine. That’s our romance.

No hot air balloon rides. I’m terrified.

Few flowers. They die.

No heart shaped boxes of candy. I’d rather have a Twix.

Few jewelry pieces. I have enough jewelry for 100 people already.

Invest in our future and our children. Satisfy our needs, and we can choose our wants. Love me with small actions instead of grand expressions, and say the word! Aloud. I don’t need a million cards and poems. Just tell me, make me feel it, and be sure I know your love. No commercialized romance needed.

Chemistry

I REALLY enjoyed chemistry in school. This plus this creates this. I get it. I’m good with anything I can apply logic too.

Relationship chemistry is a little more difficult for me to understand. We “mesh” well. He “gets” me. Yes, today? What about as your relationship evolves?

Your chemistry is my honeymoon period, the time when you inflate your similarities and mutual interests. That time when you’re being a chameleon. The window of time when both of you are perfect, and totally different from anyone else EVER. Is that your chemistry?

I don’t think I’m looking for this chemistry as much as I’m in search of sacrifice. Even if we don’t have everything in common, will you sacrifice for my interests? Will you be down no matter what? Will you pull me back when life starts to separate us? Can we create this so called chemistry because we love each other so much we will do anything? Huh?!

Disclaimer: This IS the bitter single me talking. Yep, I’m fresh out of a crash and burn. But, I have been feeling this for a minute. I may be forced to write a rebuttal some day, but today this is my truth.

Road Trip continued…

destination = Danny…

So there’s this other guy…

Back in the gap of time, I dated another guy who lives there, in 2nd Chris’ town. Danny. He was a fun time. I thought we had a future. I was committed to whatever that future was. It wasn’t undying love, though. Again, it was the appreciation of a man that wanted to have a happily ever after with me. It’s kinda my thing, being a chameleon.

We’ve been talking again. Kinda assessing the situation. Do we still have chemistry?

He looked the same. He sounded the same. Everything about him was consistent and reliable. I felt different though. A lot has changed in the last two years.

No offense to him, but he is in the same place. I’m not.

Back to interracial dating…yep. He’s Hispanic. He is also wanting to enjoy the “exotic black woman experience.” And no matter how much he wanted to ride off into the sunset with me, he didn’t know how to introduce his chocolate girlfriend to his caramel family.

That’s valid…if we were in high school. But, I’m 33 years old. Which is 1000 years too old to be wondering how to meet some grown man’s mama. I’m a pro! I’ve been doing this for a minute. I was a debutante. “Hi, Mrs. Blah Blah Blah. It’s so nice to meet you. Thank you for having me in your beautiful home.” There’s no charm school lesson for how to handle, “hi, Mrs. Blah Blah Bla…oh no she fainted!”

I’m not interested!

I want it to just click.

Road Trip

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Going back to 2nd Chris’ town. It feels like I’m returning to a crash site or the scene of a crime. It’s not about him though.

This is one of the exchange places for Blaise. It’s not the only place we use, and I didn’t pick it in hopes of catching a glimpse of 2nd Chris. This place has eateries and shopping. It’s nice to spend time together as a family for Blaise’s sake instead of just a drop off. Planned this trip before the crash and the crime.

Got up late this morning. Dreading this road trip. I’m handing over my kid and doing so down the street from “him.” I got Blaise packed. I showered, and in irony, I put on my “HEART BREAKER” t-shirt. Picked up a $6 coffee. I needed coffee or booze. I chose the lesser evil and away we went.

I don’t expect to see 2nd Chris. Not holding out hope. Ready to close the chapter. Too many emotions. Ready to shut that down. He will never know I was here, no Facebook check ins, not naming locations on Instagram, and disabling ALL location services immediately. And, he doesn’t read the blog anymore. I doubt he’s even in his town. I just don’t want to be accused of stalking. I’m not that girl, and never have been.

Gotta be careful of who you are at the end of relationships. You may have been the perfect girlfriend to your cheating ex, but the moment you’re seen lurking around him and the new boo all your credibility is gone. They’ll start justifying his cheating, because you’re crazy.

Disclaimer: IJS