Why I went back…

06/30

I never planned to go back.

I may have even said I’d never go back.

Never say never.

I did go back, though. I went back because emotionally I wasn’t done.

He wasn’t done. He fought for me. He pulled me back. And, I allowed it. I wasn’t kicking. I wasn’t screaming. I was guarded. I am guarded. But, if it crashes and burns. I have no regrets. I have no doubts. I leave confident. It will be the final goodbye.

And, that was the agreement. If we go all in again, and it doesn’t work, we walk away. No friends. No communication. Nothing lingers. It’s done.

But, we have to go all in. We have to try. I have to try. I can be guarded, but I have to try.

Sheesh.

Okay.

07/23

I went back to realize that I shouldn’t stay.

Fool me once…Fool me twice

Fool me once, shame on you. But, fool me twice and shame on me.

That resonated with me this week as I found my voice and officially left the chaos of my last relationship.

I tried to do everything right in this relationship. I gave over control when he was uncomfortable. I tucked away my own needs when they weren’t acknowledged. I listened. I behaved. I let go of everything that bothered me, to guarantee peace in the relationship.

I thought this would pay off. I thought it would get me everything I thought I wanted. Surely, this would get me down the isle and determine if more babies came into my life. I just had to do everything right. Silence my concerns. Mute my feelings. This can work.

I didn’t last. I felt smothered. I couldn’t breathe. So, I spoke up. I asked for what I needed. Continuing to try my best to maintain the sacrifices I’d committed to. I did my part. And, he agreed. He said yes. And, I continued. I wanted the marriage less, and I questioned the babies more. But, I’d committed. So, although I voiced my concerns, I didn’t say no.

Nothing changed. Nothing.

But, I stayed. I taught him that he didn’t have to respect my feelings. I taught him that I would give without demanding anything. I taught him that respecting me was negotiable.

I didn’t realize it, though. I thought we were on the right track. I just had to stick it out. The change was on the horizon.

We broke up. I put my foot down. Nothing changed. And, one day I realized that this was as good as it would get. I’d taught him that I was a joke. He’d fooled me again and again, and I had no one to blame but myself.

And, this was overwhelming. He’s a good guy. He’s a nice guy. He doesn’t mean any harm. But, he’s not my guy. Because my guy would have heard me. He would have changed what needed to be change. Or, he would have tried. I’d feel safe. I’d feel loved. I’d be happy, more than not. But, I don’t.

I feel ignored. I feel disrespected. I feel disregarded. I feel sad and hurt. I feel very lost at the end of this relationship, but I also feel very free.

Fool me one time, shame on you

Fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you

Fool me three times, fuck the peace sign

Load the chopper, let it rain on you

-No Role Modelz

J. Cole

We broke up.

Yep. We broke up. We are two individuals. No longer a couple. No longer a team.

We came to a realization. We were both miserable. Loving each other. Enjoying most of our time spent together. And, waiting for the chaos to unfold.

It needed to end. We need space. We need an opportunity to go our separate ways. If we are led back to each other, great. If not, it was an interesting run. Either way, if we stop this now, we can still be civil. We can even be friendly, and we can eventually be friends.

If we stop it now.

If we continue going this way, we will hate each other. There will be no going back. It will be too far broken.

That would be a loss.

Too often people stay too long. They beat the hell out of that dead horse. They hold on to a relationship for an outside reason. Finances. Property. Comfort. Kids. They make each other miserable because they don’t have guts enough, or resources, to let each other go.

It’s sad.

We freed one another, and it feels good to be free.

Update: I held on to this post for days. Felt too real to admit I’d failed at another relationship. But then the realness hit. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t going to be happy. The relationship was over. We weren’t compatible. I was done.

What I know:

I’ll never date another man without kids. He can’t understand parenthood and sacrifice the same way.

I’ll never lose my voice again. If I’m not being heard, then I’m talking to the wrong person.

I won’t give more than I’m getting expecting him to catch up.

I won’t allow myself to follow blindly.

I won’t allow myself to be talked down to.

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Week 5…the end. 

Week 5 was okay. Just okay. I had some real success with my activity, but I hit a brick wall emotionally. Same brick wall. Now, three times…

I went into the cycle of change with guns blazing. I was ready to change everything. And, I’d given myself a tight timeline in which to do it. And, it was really hard. And, I didn’t like it very much. 

There was no real plan. There was absolutely no order. I decided to change everything, at once, in 2 months. Turns out that’s the fastest way to sign up for do-overs. And, I’ve already taken about 6 of them. 

So, that means my title was bogus. I need do-overs. I need as many as it takes to get things on track and stay on track. 

The plan: 

1. Change the title to Fresh start. New me. Only necessary do-overs. (LOL)

2. What are we focusing on changing? My attitude and my faith. My health and appearance. My relationships. My finances and career. 

3. What’s the timeline? Forever, and the day after that. I’m looking for life changes and true happiness. 

4.  What’s first? Everything is still first. I’m just slowing down the process and being realistic with myself. 

Today, I still feel like a victim. I hate to feel like a victim, more than anything. I hate to be out of control.

Earlier this week, I struggled emotionally. I let some things really get to me. Things just kept growing and mutating until it was too much to for me. I spent a couple evenings just crying uncontrollably and praying. Then trying to gear up for what the next day would hold. I’ve been exhausted. My blood pressure’s been elevated, and my blood pressure is never up. My head’s been hurting none stop, and I’ve gone back and forth between never ending hunger and being sick to my stomach. 

Like I said in my previous blog, I realized I didn’t really have a shoulder to cry on. There’s no life preserver headed my way. I’m adult. My issues belong to me.

I’m standing out on an island. It feels like it’s sinking, and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s nothing anyone else can do either. That’s okay. That’s life sometimes. We have to step outside of the situation and find peace to get through it. I’m headed in that direction, peace is finally within reach. I need to meditate and pray. I need to alter my reactions. I need to gain control of my feelings. I need a break. 

And, that’s a do-over. Because this out-of-control, helplessness, came with a host of bad decisions that I’ll spend the next few weeks fixing. And, that’s okay too. 

There’s no timeline. I’ll be writing in this series forever. I’m not committing to when or how often either. I’m just going to try. 

And, everything is going to be okay. 

Amen. 

Jeremiah 29:11 

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Week 4

So if you read week 3, you know I spent 7 days undoing weeks 1 and 2. Actually more like 10 days. I didn’t recommit until around Thursday. 

Then Friday morning, I woke up with jack hammers in my head. Suffered through the end of the week with off and on headaches, nausea, and vomitting. Felt overwhelmed, stressed out, and like I was falling apart. I hate being sick. I hate anything that slows my pace and makes me feel out of control. No illness. No love. 

Still, I maintained a level of control with my eating. I didn’t go face first into any queso, and I gave away my back up cookies. 

I made major FitBit progress, won a couple challenges, and hit some personal goals. 

I hit some roadblocks with the new guy. Nothing major. It just started to move too fast. We were holding each other accountable. And, too many feelings got involved. 

There were also too many hopes and dreams dangled by the old guy. Too much emotional turmoil. Too many questions and feelings. 

It’s no wonder I emptied a bottle of Tylenol and killed off 6 k-cups and 3 Gatorades trying every headache remedy thrown my way.  It’s too much. 

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Week 3

Week 3 should be entitled midlife crisis. 

I had a major emotional meltdown, then I got a tattoo, then the kid and I applied for passports and planned a vacation. 

I met someone. I planned on him being a distraction. Someone to not necessarily rebound with, but to kinda rebound with. I imagined we would hang out, have some dates, and become friends. Easy enough. He’s cute. He’s charming. HE’S ATTENTIVE. This could work. 

Then the plan broke. Turns out, I like him more than friends like friends. This is substantial. He’s a big deal. 

So what do I do? I run from it all. I stop taking my supplements, head to my neighborhood tattoo and piercing shop, and top it all off with Tex-Mex. I avoid all my feelings and my health. 

“Pass me the queso. And excuse me ma’am, we’re gonna need more chips.”

End of week 3, the scale claims I put my weight back on plus a pound. It’s probably broken. We never see eye to eye. 

I have a massive, by my standards, tattoo on my forearm. It’s perfect and beautiful though. And, I’m trying to figure out how to tame my rouge feelings. 
I’m annoyed, and I’m frustrated with myself for starting this blog topic. Can I just go delete them all? No do-overs, huh? Ugh!

So midweek week 4, I ended my pity party. I sent all the party goers home. I threw away the new misery cookies and laid out the plan and supplements to get back on track. I can do this. 

Fresh start. New me. No do-overs. Week 2

Week 2 ended with no bang. That’s not a bad thing though. 

There was no weight loss, but there was no weight gain. I should have made some different food decisions. I should have guzzled more water. I should have done some things differently, but I recognize that. I can move forward differently based on honesty about this weeks decisions. 

I had some emotional disasters, but I feel like I handled myself well this past week. I spoke my mind. I was polite. I didn’t sacrifice myself…not as much as usual. 

#winning