I haven’t been spontaneous since 2004. 

I am not spontaneous. Seriously, I’m not. I don’t absolutely hate surprises or spontaneity. They just don’t really fit in my life, and haven’t since 2004. Because I found out I was pregnant in January of 2005, and it’s been downhill since. 

I’m a mom, a daughter, a sister, all while having a full-time job, a business, this blog, and social and community responsibilities. I am busy. I feel like I say that all the time. 

I am juggling a lot of balls. As many as many others, I know. But, I’m just talking about me. 

So if we make plans, there’s a lot I have to do behind the scenes of that “yes”. I have to make sure my son is taken care of. I have to coordinate with someone else’s schedule, ask them nicely, and hope they say yes with no strings attached. I have to make sure he has everything he needs for that timeframe and any other timeframe it may impact. (If it’s a school night, did he get his homework done, have dinner, get his bath, brush his teeth, take his medicine, feed his fish, put everything away, get his schoolwork and backpack ready for the next day, pick out his clothes, pack his lunch, get his snack, say prayers, and get to bed at a reasonable hour. It’s not the responsibility of the person who agreed to help me to do ALL of that. He’s my son.) 

Can I leave after he goes to bed? When you’ve showcased yourself as single to your child his entire life, leaving him to spend a few hours “with some stranger” can be difficult to process…right before bedtime. 

I need to coordinate my work schedule. For me to have a late dinner and movie with you, I need to ensure I’m not going to be the closer at my retail job and miss any time with my son that evening. I need to go home and wrangle stuff, get things for both of us done, and ensure that I’m ready to see you. Plus I want to go ahead and have my shower, to keep from disrupting the house when I make it in. And because work attire and date attire are different, I have to put a lot of work into looking like I put in little effort. 

If I have to leave town for you or with you, I need to do all that times 1000.  Is my son staying with one of my parents or going to his dad’s for the weekend? Is my work schedule covered? Have I made any commitments to my friends, family, or social contacts that need to be changed? Is there anything I’m forgetting? Wait…who’s going to feed the fish?

There’s no room for spontaneity in this phase of my life. 

There’s also no room for missed plans or shitty excuses. If we make plans, and I do all of those things, you flaking in the 11th hour is unacceptable. It’s also inexcusable unless you’ve had some emergency situation or work thing that couldn’t be altered. 

And, it’s disrespectful. Because if my only responsibility in life was to sit still and wait for your attention, that’s funny to even type, it’s only courteous to follow through with what you have agreed too. It’s basic. It’s one of the things we were taught in grade school, at church, and at home. Honor your commitments. Respect other people’s time. Be a man or woman of your word. Integrity. Respect. Grown folks shit! 

Because, we are grown people. We know how to interact and engage with one another. We know how to do what’s right. Especially…ESPECIALLY, when you want to date me, sleep with me, and possibly give me your last name some day. 

And if you happen to screw this up, human nature and shit happens, apologize. Just apologize. Sincerely, apologize. Tell me the minute you know, try to lessen the impact, fix what you can, and apologize. Acknowledge the gazillion things I had to do to make myself available to you, the other people who were involved, and my hurt feelings. Own that you just messed up. Stand up like a grown up and accept responsibility, and NEVER let it happen again. 

I know emergency situations arise. I know, and this is separate from that. If you have an emergency or work thing out of left field, I get it. And if I get upset, I’m unreasonable. I would owe the apology. But only for the unforeseen, not the oops I forgot. 

I hope this provides some clarity to the man I went left on, the man I should have gone left on, and anyone else who’s immature shit isn’t recent enough to recognize.

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“No mom, I’m still single.”

My mom casually offered her concerned opinion over my single status. Right after I commented on the success of a family members relationship, she mentioned how much she wanted me to find someone. Huh? Is this really happening? Et tu? 

I’m a-okay. Don’t be concerned. I’m alone, but not lonely. I’m busy, and I don’t know if I have the time to devote to a romantic relationship. Plus, I’m still loving the last guy. He loves me, too. But, we are hella flawed. 

Don’t get me wrong, I want love, romance, commitment, and all the blah blah blah. I want white, no ivory, weddings, picket fences, and rocking chairs. Seriously, I do. But, I can’t focus all my attention on that. I’d go crazy. Instead, I need to build my empire, raise my son, and find and maintain my happiness.

Eventually, everything else will fall into place. 

Magically created love life. 

  
I’m saying, yep again, you can’t magically create the love life you want. I’m saying this standing in the mirror, preaching to myself. 

So, the real life part of this is… There’s this guy. He’s new and kind, but he’s already making these big plans for us. Yes, he wants marriage. Yes, he’s open to another child. Yes, we could relocate. Yes. Yes. Yes. 

Wait. 

I just gave all of that up. I just let those dreams die. I finally let it go. Now, you want to bring that back up?

Ummm…

It’s too much, too soon. We barely know each other. You could be crazy. I could be crazy. This train is going too fast. If I can stop it, I’ll probably get off and run. 

No. That’s immature. Instead, I’ll track down the the guy I wanted that with. I’ll give him one last try. I’ll be hopeful and ridiculous. That’s crazy. 

I’m not ready. I don’t want anyone’s marriage. I don’t want anyone’s baby. Can you just pay for my drink and appetizer? Can we have a few laughs and develop some inside jokes? Can we start a friendship? The kind where no declarations are made, and we both keep all our clothes on. 

I just want the life I designed. I want my magically created love life to fall into place. It was a good plan, and I thought he was in. 

So new guy, tell me your magically created love life plan again. I might just be in this time. 

Jacob Blaise

  

Has it really been 10 years?

This is the most important man (-child) in my life. 

My son is 10 years old today! We have learned from each other, and this has been the most incredible journey of my life. I love this kid. He is compassionate, intelligent, silly, and genuine. He’s sarcastic and funny. He’s sweet and kind. 

He has my whole heart, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 
Wishing Blaise the best, happiest, and most fulfilling birthday, AND LIFE!!!

All my love, MOM

  

And yep, this is only about 2-3 months worth of selfies. I might just have a problem…

Plans are made to be changed, right?

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Watching something Kardashian right now. Khloe is freaking out about turning 30 because she isn’t where she planned to be in her life. Me too, girl. Me. Too.

I thought, for sure, I’d be running my own business and juggling a husband and 2-3 kids by now. Ummm…nope. I was supposed to be in a different place, but I’m not.

I’m 33. I don’t have a husband. I DO have a perfect son, though. But, I didn’t have him in the situation I’d planned out. My career isn’t as planned. My business is sitting at a stalemate.

Nothing is according to plan. Nothing.

And, a HUGE part of me wants to pull it all back together. I want to fix it. I want another baby and a man (not sure about marriage anymore). I want my business to flourish. I want to let the retail life go to focus on the other stuff. I want things to get back on track…a decade late.

But what if it doesn’t happen? Am I interested in having a baby? Yes. But, am I interested in continuing as a single mom? I don’t know. I don’t like being a single mom. I don’t like it at all, but I can do it. I’ve been doing it. And, my son is perfect. He’s perfect. Seriously, he’s perfect.

And, marriage freaks me out. I want forever with someone. But, that same forever makes me anxious. Does that mean I just haven’t met the right person? I don’t know.

Planning is great, but you can plan all day, straight through the night, and into tomorrow and it just not work. Life is designed to rock you. You’re supposed to be thrown into the impossible to figure it out. Life is just that way.

So to all of you, to us, who’s plans didn’t work out, it’s okay. Instead of being stuck in what didn’t happen, let’s figure out what is happening. Pray over the change, and keep going. Time is going to keep moving, and God changes plans for better outcomes than what we could have ever imagined.

Pregnancy scare

I’m too old for this.

I’m great with my birth control. I’m fantastic at tracking my cycle. I rarely make mistakes. James changed me. Actually, I never make mistakes.

So imagine my surprise when my start date came and left with no festivities. Huh? This doesn’t happen to me. Sexual mishaps cost me $44. Even with my birth control, any mistakes require the morning after pill. I’m that particular about motherhood. Again, as in my post Baby?, I love being a mom. But, my next kid needs to come with a family. If you want me to grow your seed, you need to put a ring on it.

The current situation, I have 4 of the 7 early pregnancy symptoms, per the internet. I have failed a couple pregnancy tests though. And, now I’m gonna have a glass of wine. Because I’m stressed enough without adding the possible pregnancy with the man that’s no longer speaking to me.

Disclaimer: A missed cycle can be linked to many things. And, my other symptoms of fatigue (work is killing me right now), food aversions (I’ve always been a quirky eater), and frequent urination (I’ve started drinking more water to get healthier), can be attributed to life.

Life Lesson: The moment you convinced yourself of something, it’s easy to create ways to justify it.