Disclaimer

I’m not settling. I’m not accepting shenanigans. I’m not cutting breaks. I’m not giving unlimited chances. I’ve already done all that. And, where did it get me? Back at start. Standing at go. Single. 

I work a lot. I’m a mom. I write this blog. I’m launching/re-launching a business. I’m busy. My back aches every night because of all the stress and anxiety I’ve carried through the day. I cry way more than I want to admit. And, I’m terrified that everything won’t work out the way I want. 

I can’t handle anything else. If you come into my life, you need to do so with good intentions. You need to try. You need to give. You need to love. And, I’m not asking for anything big. The little things add up to the big things. And, I’ll appreciate the journey. 

So, don’t come here if you aren’t ready. I don’t have the time or the desire. 

IJS, and I thought you should know. 

Side note: In case you hadn’t guessed, another one bites the dust. He was just too needy.  

You don’t deserve me. I don’t deserve you. 

  
I tried. I was genuine. I was honest. 

You don’t deserve me. 

You were manipulative and immature. 

I don’t deserve you.

I heard that you loved me, and that’s beautiful. Thanks. But love is an action word and you haven’t been showcasing those actions…for me. You haven’t been kind and considerate. You haven’t been courteous and consistent. You hurt me for no reason. 

I didn’t deserve for you to play in my life, tie up my emotions, and keep me from finding someone real. I didn’t deserve that. 

And, you didn’t deserve for me to give you unlimited chances, try to hold on through it all, or push you to figure things out. 

It was all too much. 

You never deserved me, and I didn’t deserve you. 

Disclaimer: 

Wow. I wrote this 79 days ago. I can remember the emotions tied to it like they are fresh. It was a rough time. It was a painful moment. 

Realizing that someone will never be who you want them to be, no matter how much love, support, and understanding you give them is…I don’t even have a word for that emotion. It sucked. And, I was in a bad place. 

Then, I realized we didn’t deserve each other. And, that was powerful for me. I didn’t do anything to deserve the amount of disrespect and disregard I got in that relationship. It wasn’t me. It had nothing to do with me. It’s his issue. And, he didn’t deserve the love and sacrifice I was offering. He wasn’t ready to value me. 

Not the end of the world. 

Dusting myself off. 

Ready to move on. 

Today, 79 days and countless tears later, I’m no longer hurt. I’m not even mad. I’m good actually. Because I see him for who he is, and I govern myself and my emotions accordingly. 

My type is artistic. 

  
I don’t think I can love a man that’s not artistic. 

We wouldn’t speak the same language. He wouldn’t understand the notebook I carry around, filled with ideas and brief statements. The notebook that has post its sticking out with clever scribbles written on both sides. He wouldn’t understand that I’m glued to my phone. I’m constantly checking all social media looking for motivation. The notes app goes on forever, and my brain is always ticking. 

I don’t sleep well. I’m never truly at rest. The cogs are always turning. But, I don’t let much out. I can’t share incomplete thoughts. I need to process my process. I need space and time. I need physical contact. I speak physical when I can’t speak verbal. I need space. I need attention. I’m selfish and a giver. 

I don’t make sense. I live in beads, tees, and words. I’m my business. I’m my work. Everything else is an extension of that. 

I’ve only been able to turn myself down to hear my son. 

I need a man who gets that. I need an artist who has never been totally satisfied with anything. I need someone who understands that my process is a process and they fit in all the corners and white spaces. 

I need an artist. And, he doesn’t have to be a rap star. He doesn’t have to be a famous painter or fashion muse. He just needs to understand because his brain works the same way on even the smallest level.

30 Eye Openers

30 signs that someone isnt interested, or is half-heartedly interested, in you. How to avoid being a passing time candidate. An older post from Bagger Eclaim

1. They’re not contacting you or are sporadically contacting you.

2. They may not even bother speaking with you and rely predominantly on emails, text messages, and instant messenger.

3. They treat you like an option.

4. They don’t want to put both of their feet in and commit. They’d like you to ‘go with the flow’ even if there is nothing flowing, and to expect nothing beyond this.

5. The relationship doesn’t progress – it goes in fits and starts, stalls, or goes into reverse.

6. They’re keeping you a secret.

7. They tend to be around/call you up when they want something. It might be money, attention, an ego stroke, sex, an armchair psychologist, but if you think back to all the times when you’ve heard from them, you may notice that it was a preamble to something.

8. They leave it to the last minute/short notice to make plans. They may not even bother to make last minute plans – they might just show up late at night expecting you to be around.

9. They create drama in the hope that you’ll take the hint that they’re not interested and end it, so that they can be let off the hook

10. When you’re broken up with them, they get in touch, often in a lazy manner just to ensure that you still jump to their beat. In fact, take the fact that you’re not in a relationship with them as a major sign of disinterest. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that they got in touch because they want to get back together.

11. They’ll make a lot of noise when you attempt to move on with someone else and then when you ‘reciprocate’, they’re nowhere to be seen.

12. They send text messages, emails, or leave voicemails, and when you no doubt eagerly respond, they either take ages to or don’t bother at all.

13. They don’t break up with their wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend. But they still expect to be with you. Hell, they seem to think you have all the time in the frickin’ world to be waiting around for them.

14. They don’t get that divorce finalised. In fact, they may even pretend they’ve started proceedings!

15. They keep blaming timing, the no 5 bus, work, their ex, their commitment issues, or whatever the excuse du jour is, for why they can’t be or do something. In fact, they keep making excuses.

16. They’re sporadic in their efforts, and you can often pin bursts of efforts to when you either told them to beat it or they felt in danger of losing you.

17. They keep changing their mind about their interest in you.

18. They talk incessantly about themselves while not really taking an interest in you. OR… they deflect conversations away from details about themselves and try to focus on you.

19. They tell you that they love you but they’re not in love with you, that they’re not ready for a relationship, they’re not the right person for you, that they’re a ‘bad person’, ‘out of your league’, that you’re ‘too good for them’ and other such things that basically say I have limited interest in you.

20. They sleep with other people while sleeping with you.

21. They only have a sexual interest in you.

22. It takes them weeks or even months to call you up after a date or taking your number.

23. You’re hanging out like friends. You may even be friends with benefits.

24. They disappear for periods of time.

25. They’re more interested in having things their way, on their terms, being right, and having the power.

26. They treat you without love, care, trust, and respect. Even if you don’t love one another yet, it shouldn’t stop them from being a respectful person with integrity that cares about their actions and those around them.

27. They treat everyone from the old lady down the street, to the postman, the dog and whoever else has no romantic expectations of them with decency, but when it comes to you, they’re an assclown.

28. They’re either Future Avoiders, afraid to talk about the future or make plans, or they’re Future Fakers, faking a future so they can get what they want in the present, because they know they won’t be around in the future, because they’re not genuinely interested.

29. They are controlling, manipulative, jealous and possessive. These are not signs that they’re actually interested in you – these are signs that they want to control you. This is not the same as love or as a result of love. A person who behaves in this way isn’t the type to have a balanced, respectful relationship, and may not even really want you but won’t want anyone else to have you either.

30. They’re so ‘busy’, they have no time for the relationship. Nobody is that busy and when someone is genuinely interested they find the time.

After reading this, I had to go to my mirror and have a real conversation with myself. 

“I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m witty. I’m worth more than any of these situations. I should be valued and adored, not hidden away and used. 

Starting right now, I am demanding more than this in my relationships. I’m requiring more than this for myself.”

Because, I’ve been involved in more than a few of these. Found myself allowing this chaos in my life like it was normal. It happened before I knew it though, and some situations even masked themselves as something far more honest and small. Not again. 

Disclaimer: This quickly became all about me. I’m just sharing my moment. There’s no advice or story this time. Honestly, I hope no one can relate.