I’m not the best choice 


I’m not your best choice. If I’m not your only option, the only choice you can envision making, the girl of your damn dreams, then I’m not in the running at all. If you have to make a choice, don’t choose me. Seriously.

So there’s this guy. We’ve know each other for a while now, gone on a zillion date-like things, kissed, even passionately under the influence, but that’s it.

He has a habit of chasing down the girl that needs to be saved, standing in the rain with her, and professing his love. His type needs him in her world and can’t function without his guidance. I’m not that girl.

We’ve always viewed each other as friends. Just friends. A consistent plus one. Nothing more. I’m not his type, and his controlling personality hadn’t really turned me on either. So, when he named me the most logical choice for him, I was shocked. I’m not flattered, and I’m definitely not interested.

Logical, and probably reasonable. Your choice? The winner, or the consolation prize?

Nah. Outside of the fact that I’m not looking to change our relationship in that direction, I’m insulted.

If you ever need to choose me, I’m not a choice.

I want the man who can’t live without me. The man who is moving mountains for me. The man who is fighting for me. The man who can’t imagine being with anyone other than me. The man who made a damn decision, not a choice.

I want passion, intention, and commitment. I’m closer to  40 than 30, and I’m not playing any games. I’m also not a pick one from a conveyor belt. This is real life, pal.

I know I’m your best choice, but I’m not an option.

Wishful thinking…

08/01/2016 rabbit rabbit

New guy didn’t get the “I hate to be ignored,” memo. Obviously. Because he made me feel ignored and disregarded. Didn’t matter what he said. It mattered how he made me feel, and it was lousy. And, I didn’t want to go back to putting that much into a relationship that left me feeling that way. 

I think he understands me. 

We hit some major barriers. And, it’s probably not the last time. But, we made it through. He didn’t let me cut and run. He didn’t let me sabotage the situation. He listened. He’s trying. And, I’m relaxing into the good times without fighting back.

I think we are moving in the right direction. I think so.

This is progress. 

08/10/2016

Look at me being all hopeful and shit. But, I’m a realist. And, I know that my gut was telling me this wasn’t going to work.

It didn’t. 

Why is this so hard? Why are relationships difficult? Why can’t people just show up, say what they mean, mean what they say, and live a peaceful life? Why not? This ain’t brain surgery. Hell, it ain’t even a paper cut. 

So our final conversation was me telling him to never contact me again. And, he hasn’t since. And, I don’t miss him. Because nothing should be difficult in the beginning. No one should have a bad honey moon phase. We shouldn’t be wrestling with truth and emotions this early in. We shouldn’t be explaining any bad behaviors or asking for second chances. I’ve only known you a hot moment. You shouldn’t have had enough time to screw up. You must have come through the door screwing up. 

I can’t. 

I just want to be in a mature relationship, with a grown up, who is productively adulting. That’s it. 

Right now, I just want to sit quietly and focus on my next chapter. Because, that last one didn’t turn out according to plan.