12 deal breakers

 

The original article and link are italized, and my thoughts follow below.

He’s not your forever person unless he actually puts effort into these 12 things:

1. He should make an effort to plan dates. He shouldn’t expect you to come up with ideas every weekend. Once in a while, he should take you to a new restaurant or shop that he thinks you’re going to love.

2. He should make an effort to text back. And he should remember to tell you where he is and what he’s doing. It’s the easiest way to build trust. If he’s always open with you, then there’s no reason to doubt what he says.

3. He should make an effort to flirt. I don’t care if you’ve been dating for decades. He should never take your love for granted. He should still try to woo you, even though he already has you.

4. He should make an effort to give you an orgasm. You don’t have to climax every single time you have sex, but you should climax the majority of the time. That means there should be plenty of foreplay and oral.

5. He should make an effort to save his money. If he honestly wants to spend the rest of his life with you, then he has to prepare for the future. He should be resisting the urge to waste all his cash on alcohol and should be working alongside you to save up money for a house.

6. He should make an effort to make you feel like a major part of his life. He should update you on what’s going on at work. He should invite you out with his friends. He should make you feel important.

7. He should make an effort to get along with your friends and family members. He doesn’t have to go on one-on-one brunch dates with your mother, but he should treat everyone you care about with respect. Even if your disapproving father is a little rude to him, it doesn’t mean he should be rude back. He should be trying his best to make a good impression.

8. He should make an effort to come to compromises. If you two disagree on something, there shouldn’t be a big blowout that ends with only one of you getting your way. You should find a solution that benefits you both. Otherwise, the resentment is going to kick in.

9. He should make an effort to cook and clean. You’re not his mother. He shouldn’t rely on you to do all of his chores for him. He should be doing just as much housework as you.

10. He should make an effort to look good. He doesn’t have to wear a suit and tie during every date, just like you don’t have to wear a skintight dress. But he should at least look presentable. He should keep that beard trimmed and wear that underwear that he knows his butt looks amazing in.

11. He should make an effort to keep himself healthy. If he loves you, he’ll take care of himself, so that you two can have a long life together.

12. He should make an effort to make you happy. He should think your smile is the most beautiful thing in the world, and he should aim to see it as often as humanly possible. 

There’s a theme in all of this. “He should make an effort…” Yes! A thousand, million, gazillion times yes! Make a damn effort. Just try. Give it a chance. Hear me. Move in my direction. Please. If you don’t mind.

I can relate. I believe.

1. Plan a date. Take me out. Put forth the effort to show me a good time.

2. COMMUNICATION! I was at a wedding this past weekend, and a member of the groom’s family passed around decorative notecards for guests to write well wishes to the couple. All three cards coming from our table, including the one from me and my date, discussed communication.

Communicate openly. 

Remember to discuss things and don’t demand. 

Communication is key. 

Three different age groups, 3 different relationship types, 3 different experiences, and we all spoke to the same core value. You have to be able to communicate to have a successful relationship.

3. Flirt with me. Make me feel desireable. Whisper in my ear. Eye me up and down. Compliment me. Look me dead in the eye. Touch me gently.

Do all the things you did when we were just dating.

4. Orgasms are important. I vote for orgasms. I campaign for orgasms. I donate to the orgasms cause.

Don’t forget about me sexually. Work to ensure I am satisfied.

If I am putting in effort to make sure you are sexually satisfied, you should be doing the same.

Sexual frustration leads to bad decision making in 100% of people, 100% of the time. IJS

5.  You can’t build an empire with someone who doesn’t value work or money.

Make sure that man in your life has a solid plan to be able to support himself and the family you want to have. A plan that he is working everyday. It doesn’t have to be airtight, but it has to be real and in process.

6. COMMUNICATION…again, because it’s so important.

7. “You have to be a friend to make a friend.” I’ve been telling my son this forever! Treat my crew with respect and kindness. They will welcome you into our squad.

Don’t make things hard, by not putting your best foot forward.

8. Compromise. When I turns to we, the whole game changes. You have to be hyper considerate of how your thoughts and actions effect the other person. It can be exhausting, and it’s easy to feel like it’s impossible for you to win in this situation.

However, with COMMUNICATION, sacrifice, and compromise you can both find a way to be successful and grow your relationship.

However, however, this has to be a 100%/100% effort by both people. Your man has to be willing to compromise, and so do you. Neither of you can half-ass this.

9.  Neat and tidy. He must take care of himself. He must manage his home like an adult.

10. “Looking good.” – Chico and the Man

Any grown man out there should put forth effort to look more than just presentable most of the time.

11, with a little 10 because it’s so important. He pays attention to his health. If he’s not able to prioritize his health and hygiene into his day to day, his priorities are seriously jacked up. IJS. Because he can’t take care of you, if he can’t take care of himself.

12. He makes you a priority. You will NOT always make the top spot on his things to do list, but you should always make the list. You being happy and feeling safe and secure in the relationship should be important to him.

A year ago, I came across this article. I was in a strange relationship space, and struggled to add my fillers. 1, 2, 5, 6, 8 and obviously 12 didn’t quite line up for me. So, the article and my blog sat in limbo.

Recently, I’ve been reviewing my drafts. Finalizing unfinished thoughts. Trying to find and/or create clarity. And, what a difference a year makes.

I’m in a relationship that’s checking way more boxes, and writing this was MUCH easier.

Keep trying. Keep dating. Remain open. Be realistic. Don’t settle.

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You’re inconsiderate 

Sheesh. This relationship stuff is really difficult. 

I’ve been going through some drama in my relationship, and we are struggling. 

Our primary issue has been ongoing, but I’ve had a hard time verbalizing how I’ve been feeling. How do you tell someone that’s bent over backwards for you, that you think they’re selfish? It doesn’t really make sense. It sounds ridiculous. It comes across petty. And, I become the drama queen that’s impossible to please.  

But, that’s the truth. He is selfish. 

Backstory is that he’s been single for the last DECADE. Although he has dated, he hasn’t been in any relationships…at all. 

10 years, huh? That’s a long run.  That’s a long time. 

So although he’s treated me like a queen, queendom ends where his wants begin. There’s no sacrifice or consideration. This is his kingdom. 

And, I can’t. I don’t want to. 

It’s in my nature to sacrifice, consider, and make it work. So, I need to feel that it’s appreciated. There’s only so much I can give if it’s not. 

We have to figure this out. We have to. It’s figure it out or nothing.

We could have everything, but you aren’t willing to change. 

Sad. 

I think the old saying that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. 

You can teach anyone, at any age, anything they are receptive to learning. Anything. They. Are. Receptive. To. Learning. 

I hate to hear anyone tell me that their relationship didn’t work out because their significant other tried to change them. 

Why?

Because you should be grateful that they were trying to motivate you and push you forward. Maybe, they saw a future with you. Maybe, just maybe, they knew that future couldn’t exist without some fine tuning of a couple of things. 

I’m not talking about the partner that wants to change you into someone that you are not, are not interested in becoming, and won’t improve your life in any way. I’m only discussing the person that wants to help promote you to the next level. Alter a few things. Modify some stuff. Tighten up your edges. 

Backstory: The new guy and I are coming out of the honeymoon. The honeymoon is officially over, and we have been getting, at times, painfully honest with each other. It’s not always easy to take, but we have both remained open minded. We give benefit of the doubt before letting our feelings get hurt, and we hear each other out. We have been using a teamwork philosophy. If you want to see change in someone be committed to being a part of the change. And, we stay the course. We celebrate the success, and we don’t allow ourselves to railroad or be railroaded.  

I’m not saying any of this is easy or comfortable, but if they truly care about you these changes are to grow you. 

Try. 

Know your worth?


I’ve battled, for a thousand years, with the phrase “know your worth.”

I don’t think anyone ever told me my worth. I don’t think I understood my worth. And, I didn’t know how to establish it. 

I believe the value you place on yourself is directly related to how you have been treated, your wants and desires, and how you feel about yourself. 

In using the phrase we forget that everyone doesn’t have a good foundation of worth and isn’t realistic with expectations. 

I’m still figuring out my own worth. I’m still trying to establish that in my life. 

And, I’ve done that through trial and error mostly, but I’m devising a better plan as I go. 

To start, I’m certain that I’m worth what I’m offering..honesty, reliability, compassion, sincerity, fun, and passion. If the man I date, the friendship I build, or the job I take can’t give me those things back, then we have a huge issue of respect. And, I can’t imagine I’m gonna stay around that long. 

Second, I’m a catch. Seriously, I am. I’m worthwhile. I may not be ideal for everyone, but that doesn’t lessen my importance. I realize that. And because of that, any opportunities that don’t work out just weren’t meant for me. They aren’t because I’m inadequate. 

That was a really hard lesson. 

So knowing your worth is about knowing yourself. 

Duh, I know. 

But there are so many of us that are less than experts on self. So, instead of focusing on a worth that’s yet to be defined. Figure out who you are. Establish what you’re bringing to the table. And, value yourself as you currently are even if improvements can be made. We can all make improvements. 

Once you’ve mastered that, you will have a good grip on knowing your worth. 

Good luck. 

God speed. 

What’s the plan?

What do you want? What are you looking for? What are you willing to do to get there?

Nothing else haphazard. 

Before I start any more relationship journeys, I need to know where this is headed. 

Point blank. Period. 

Everyone has a general plan. We all have an end game. It may not be easily satisfied or obtained, but it exists. 

Name it. 

Because I want forever. I want commitment and love, in natural progression. 

We are still figuring it out. 

How are we gonna survive in each other’s lives? How will we appreciate each other? How will we both win?

It’s more than just casual. We are figuring it out. 

My struggle is that just because I got a lot of things I didn’t know I wanted, doesn’t mean I have to ignore all the things that were important to me that I didn’t get. 

I have this man who supplies me with incredible attention. He’s considerate. He’s kind. He’s totally engaged in the success of our relationship. 

But, we still struggle with communication. We’re still figuring it out. I shut down when things are rough. I’m currently shut down. And, I know it isn’t productive. I know it breeds confusion. But, I don’t want to create chaos with a highly emotional response. 

This is a relationship. It’s all highly emotional, right?

He’s stuck trying to figure me out. He’s deciphering my mixed signals. I’m deciding if this is the other shoe. Should I just cut and run? Sheesh. We can be so exhausting. 

His struggle is probably that he was totally single before me, my kid, and our dog busted into his life. He isn’t used to being this considerate of this many extra people. He’s figuring out how to live amongst us. How to love me? How to befriend my son? How to win over the dog? How to not get lost in the madness he didn’t realize he was signing up for. 

“Ok get ya kids, but then they got their friends. I pulled up in the Benz. They all got up in.” – Kanye West

And, I knew what I wanted. I had a mental list. There are so many boxes left unchecked that weren’t as important as I’d thought. But, there are some serious boxes that must get checked for me to be happy…for us all to function. 

The honeymoon is over, and we are still going. We’re still working. We are still figuring this shit out. I didn’t run away. And, I didn’t run back to the past. I think this guy might be the one. 

Side note: I had to change the title of this. I wrote on it for weeks, and I couldn’t get the message right. Then I changed directions. It organically told the story I was trying to tell when I stopped beating my head against a brick wall. 

Speak up, loud and clear. 

I recently started dating someone. It’s new, but it’s going well. He’s attentive and warm, encourages me, supports me, and we laugh A LOT. This is going really well. 

And, we’re nearing the exclusive stages. So, I needed to reach out to past gents and let them know I’m taking myself off the market to invest in this new venture. 

Wow. 

Just the other day, I was making declarations about being single. Enjoying my freedoms. Not looking or expecting anything more than a few dates, a few cocktails, and a few laughs. I was finally enjoying being a single girl. I was invested in me. I was focused. 

Then he came along. And, he’s screwed up everything.

I’m happy. 

So, I start the conversations. And, 2/3 confessed that they wanted more. They’d been thinking about more. They’d been considering more. They’d realized their feelings for me were stronger than they’d thought. The other one saw this coming. Wanted me to be happy. Wished me well. Promised we’d be friends. 

Okay then. 

If you knew you wanted me, why didn’t you speak up? What’s wrong with you? 

Wait…did you think I was gonna stand in this space forever? Did you believe our non-relationship was so strong it would last forever?

No. NO. NO!!!

I was open to the man who would change my plan. You didn’t. 

I’m okay with that. But, as a woman who cares about you, I’m telling you don’t let another woman pass you by. Live in the moment. Love honestly. Don’t be afraid. And, tell her. She might be the woman that changes your life.  

Speak up.