This ain’t about you.

This ain’t about you. Really. It’s not.

His issues are his by himself. They were born before you hit the scene, and will probably continue long after you pack up your feelings and move on.

Too often, as women, we want to fix everything. We take on relationship problems and issues like we can invincibly handle anything. We want to fix him, but if we can’t…

Oh no.

If we can’t, we cannot rest. It must be us. We must not be fulfilling something in this relationship that we are obligated to handle. We aren’t slender enough, smart enough, sexy enough, don’t cook well enough, don’t clean well enough, didn’t impress his mama, or hold him down the right way. We must have missed something. We must not have done something. We made a mistake. Right?

Wrong.

We can’t fix him. If we’ve done everything we can, in all the right ways, it’s probably bigger than our love. His issues are bigger than our ability.

We are fine. We are wonderful. We have to realize some things are bigger than us. Sometimes we just need to just let it go. And, let him go.

I watched the episode of Iyanla, Fix My Life with the man who fathered 34 children with 17 women. Wow! I was sadden by how broken this man was, and his attempts at hiding his own pain and struggles. These women, wow, many were convinced that their relationship with him was different. They thought, at some point, their relationships were stronger or better than those he’d been in before. Wrong. He was broken when he met each of them, made children, and left them alone. There was nothing in their power to make those relationships better. He was broken. They couldn’t have fixed him.

So tonight when we pray for our relationships, pray for the strength of your man. Pray he finds what he needs, and ask that he be able to find it in your relationship. And, pray that if he doesn’t, you have the strength to let it all go with your dignity and ego in tact.

Amen.

Yes, I’m single. But, I’m okay.

IMG_2199.PNG
Had a conversation with an old friend recently. She’s been following my blog, and called for inside information.

Her: “Wait. How many guys are you dating?”

Me: “Zero. I went on a few dates.”

Her: “What about that guy you were seeing? I thought you loved him.”

Me: “It didn’t work out. I’m single. I date, but I’m not dating anyone.”

Her: “Oh. Okay. It’ll be alright, girl.”

What? Single isn’t cause for a sympathy card. I’m okay.

People break up, don’t work, and move on EVERYDAY. It’s not the end of the world. He decided I wasn’t who he wanted or what he wanted. His choice. Okay. Did it sting? Yep. Am I sad? Absolutely. Do I miss him? Sure do. Did I die? Nope.

I’ll be okay as a single woman. Many woman do the single gig everyday. Don’t cry for us; set us up with your man’s single friend.

You’re asking me to change?

IMG_2113-0.PNG
I’m not going to change for you. I’ve been doing me for so long, I wouldn’t know how to be the woman you’re creating.

This was prompted by the man who said that our relationship would be progressing faster if I was willing to be recreated in his likeness. God…is that you?

According to him, it turns out that…

-I don’t talk the way he does, and I laugh too loud.
-I drive too fast.
-I cuss too much.
-I wear too much and not enough make up at the same time.
-My Converse aren’t ladylike.
-And, my heels are too high.
-My wardrobe is too casual.
-I eat the wrong things.
-I have too many tattoos.
-My sarcasm is over the top.
-My wit can come across as offensive.
-Am I sure about being natural? My straight hair was so pretty.
-When am I gonna let go of the piercing?
-I’m too attached to my friends and family.
-And, I work too much.

My response: “If I’m so bad, why are you here?”

Him: “I love you. You’re beautiful and amazing. You have so much potential, if…”

Me: “Potential? I’m getting too old for potential. Some stuff just is at this point. EVERYTHING you have issue with…just is.”

Because…
-I communicate amazingly, speak English, and am easy to understand. And, I laugh loud when something is uncontrollably funny. Otherwise I just laugh.
-I drive just fine.
-I do cuss a lot, but only when appropriate…mostly.
-I wear make up the way I want when I want. There’s never been too much.
-My Converse, the low top black on black or the classic white? They’re both awesome, and so are my heels.
-And, my wardrobe fits my life right now. I wear casual clothes to my retail job. I wore business clothes to my office job. On date night, I dress for that too. I dress for the occasion. Blogging right now in an old pair of Gap sweats and the pink and leopard New Balance.
-I eat more fruit and vegetables than most, than you, but I don’t do much red meat slathered in brown gravy with mashed potatoes and biscuits. Sorry, I don’t eat like you.
-I like my tattoos and piercings. I chose them all, and the work is phenomenal.
-My sarcasm is funny. So is my wit. Maybe you don’t get it.
-And my hair…whatever. These curls are EVERYTHING.
-My friends and family are off limits. Period. You don’t get to assess those relationships. I’m not commenting on your enabled relationship with your mama.
-And, I do work A LOT. But, my bills are paid, and I’ve never asked you for shit.

I’m still the woman you’ve known for years.

I like me. I’m comfortable with the woman I am…mostly.

I am more than open to inspiration and alteration if I see, or am introduced, to the value. I’m not done growing and developing. But, I change for my benefit.

I don’t change to just accommodate or please a man.

*Drops the mic. Exits the stage.*

Chivalry is dead.

Unfortunately, chivalry died long before I met it.

I went on another date.

Yep, me. Seems I’m keeping busy by entertaining some of Houston’s bachelors.

It was lackluster. He wasn’t very engaging, until he dropped a compliment here and there. He brought up the trouble he’d gone through to meet me multiple times in the 30-45 minutes we were together. Should I say thank you? Of course there are time restraints and traffic. This is Houston. This is life. If you didn’t want to come, I could have eaten peacefully alone.

It was one of my worst dates, EVER. I was rushing through my meal trying to escape.

And when it ended he said, “I’ll walk you to your car, if it’s not raining.” Huh? I asked if he realized what he said. He did! Next thing you know I was high tailing it to my car, alone. He was yelling good byes and asking me to call him later. Nah, bro. I’m good.

Don’t give your number to the attractive guy, at Walmart, with only Tyson heat and eat wings and Tostino’s pizzas in his cart. Or, any man while at a Walmart. It won’t end well.

Spinster Hag v Relationship Maven

Hey Relationship Mavens,

Your single friends didn’t die when you chose commitment.

XOXO,
The girls you used to talk to everyday
AKA Spinster Hag

I’ve mentioned that all my girls are booed up a couple times. Whether or not they are happily committed is beside the point. The whole world is in love, and I’m not. It’s cool. I’m not bitter because I’m not certain I’m ready, but it’s frustrating that our relationship status changed when your relationship status changed.

I’m sad and screaming, “what about me?” Silently screaming. Screaming in my head. Because if the single girl dare say ANYTHING aloud, she is considered desperate AND jealous.

Immediately, I’ll be attacked for not being positive and happy for my friend. Becoming the spinster that wants everyone to be single because I am. Then you’ll say that’s probably why I’m alone, because of how bitter I’ve become. And lastly, some one, some recently booed up chick of course, will say that I just need to get laid. Ugh!

So I’ll sit here, remembering my only child lessons. I’ll self soothe. I’ll play alone. And when the honeymoon, the can’t get enough of each other phase, passes, my phone will ring and my last text will be returned. I’ll break my neck to get to you, because I miss you.

That’s it. 😦

No wait…I’m happy for you. Really. I am.

I went on a date.

I went on a date last week.

No need to release his name or dets, but it was an invite I didn’t refuse.

I kept putting him off. My own insecurities had me avoiding a possibility. And, I was dealing with some other emotional heaviness. Finally, I submitted. We were gonna have dinner on Thursday. I asked him. I needed to step up before he decided I wasn’t worth the effort.

Then he said, let’s go get a drink. I wanna see you tonight.

I couldn’t say no. I’d already told him I was just hanging out at home.

So I got up, and I pulled off my best “not trying too hard” look. And, I threw back a couple apple flavored beers and apple flavored shots.

He was nice and handsome. He talked openly about his life and plans. It was a really nice date, and I enjoyed it.

There was no real chemistry. I wish him well.

What’s wrong with me…

How many people are in your relationship?

Valid question…ask it aloud, look in the mirror, and answer yourself.

I did….kinda.

There are a few ways to answer this. You can have too many, not enough, or it’s just right. (Am I channelling Goldilocks?)

IMG_2237.JPG

Too many (too hot)
When you have too many people in your relationship, it’s the same as embracing too many people, fulfilling too many needs, and heeding too many opinions. And, it’s dangerous.

I’ve been here. I’ve been in a relationship with my man, our parents, our children’s parents, BFFs, employers, and all those along the way. We got lost in the mix. We focused so much on pleasing EVERYONE else that our own needs stopped being a priority. Then we turned on each other. We stopped being a unit, and started venturing towards the loudest people on the outside.

Suddenly he and his mom were battling, in our relationship, against me and my mom. We were becoming strategic, manipulative, and cunning. We were truly at war and focused on the win.

Then it was over. The armies went home to there loved ones, and we were left sitting alone on opposite sides of the battlefield.

You can only survive in this type of relationship for so long. It will either implode or one of you will check out. Then you go from too many to not enough.

Not enough (too cold)
When you don’t have enough people in your relationship, you are in a two person relationship by yourself. Is someone checked out? Are you making all the decisions, dragging them along? Or are you making your own decisions and living separate lives? Does your interest lie in being in a relationship, or are you avoiding being alone? Are you holding on to each other in case this is your last chance at a relationship? Seriously?

Often, you really have to examine your relationship to identify “not enough.” The person carrying the relationship may not even realize it’s happening. They are so comfortable doing for their partner and supporting their partner that they don’t realize their own needs aren’t being met. Or much like my Sex in the City post, we hold on waiting for things to work out.

Just right (ummm…just right)
You are in a healthy, respectful, partnership. Neither of you is winning or losing, and it’s not even a topic of discussion. You are moving through life concerned with the growth and happiness of your relationship. Not worried.

Where does your relationship lie? Be honest.

Be honest about what’s going on in your relationship. If needed, commit to fixing it, or get out before anyone gets (more) hurt. Have those hard conversations. Put your feelings on the table.

Don’t rest until it’s “JUST RIGHT.”

Be brave. Be strong.