I don’t know, but I’m okay figuring it out.

It’s been a minute. If you know me, REALLY know me, you know that it’s usually because I’m making questionable choices. Seriously.

Basically, I’m at an emotional fork in the road.

Right before my last failure of a relationship, I’d just become super comfortable single. Seriously. I was dating freely with little to no expectations. I’d finally let go of the need to be committed. I was enjoying this chapter, or moment, of life. There was peace in my willingness to accept the right someone, but not needing anyone.

So, when I met the last guy, I was open.

Believing in God’s divine ability, I felt this must be the right relationship because of the acceptance that came before it. Isn’t that how it works? The moment you find peace and appreciate what you have, God gifts you what you’d been wanting. Right?

I went all in. And, it’s been a challenge.

I don’t want to rehash every moment, but admittedly I let A LOT of deal breaker shit go. I gave numerous chances with few results. I stayed frustrated. I ultimately got to the point of announcing I am NOT the woman for him because he’s not trying to keep me.

Meaning: You work hard for the person you want in your life. You make sacrifices. You are considerate and compassionate. You learn them, their needs and desires. You make room for them in your life.

I kept thinking that at this stage of life, I had to do this. I had to make this work.

There was love. There was a commitment. There were perfect family bonds. There was travel and adventures. There were laughs and love. There was a potential for a family and stability.

There wasn’t trust and respect. It wasn’t a partnership. I wasn’t in a partnership. He was so protective of himself, his money, his feelings, and his needs and desires that he could barely even see me.

And, I stayed.

He told me it was gonna be better. He promised there would be changes.

Short lived, at best.

And, I left…and I went back.

His focus on our issues needed to be bigger than his selfishness. That’s why I’m not the right girl. He will change for the right girl, because he loves her, because he doesn’t want to lose her, or because the timing will be right. Not me, because I’m not her.

And, it won’t just sound right. It will be right for me.

So, I’m single. AND, I have no idea what the future holds. I don’t know if I’ll again re-travel a road? Never causing unnecessary fires and burning necessary bridges. If I’ll do the single girl thing for a while? Or, if I’ll go and meet a new amazing guy to creat a whole new “#” for?

I don’t know, but I’m okay figuring it out.

And, I believe different from before. God was showing me more. I’d lowered my standards. Went through a rough relationship and begun thinking I was worth less…for a long time.

This was to show me my value. I got so much from this relationship that ignited this realization of what I should get from ALL relationships. It taught me so much.

Again, God used this lesson to position me in a place to receive something greater.

Both of us, I’m sure…in our own ways.

Advertisements

Why I went back…

06/30

I never planned to go back.

I may have even said I’d never go back.

Never say never.

I did go back, though. I went back because emotionally I wasn’t done.

He wasn’t done. He fought for me. He pulled me back. And, I allowed it. I wasn’t kicking. I wasn’t screaming. I was guarded. I am guarded. But, if it crashes and burns. I have no regrets. I have no doubts. I leave confident. It will be the final goodbye.

And, that was the agreement. If we go all in again, and it doesn’t work, we walk away. No friends. No communication. Nothing lingers. It’s done.

But, we have to go all in. We have to try. I have to try. I can be guarded, but I have to try.

Sheesh.

Okay.

07/23

I went back to realize that I shouldn’t stay.

We only entertain what’s important to us. 

I’ve had a long and often complicated relationship with this one guy. I saw so much potential in us, sacrificed so hard, and prayed for us almost daily. 

I’m 36. I felt this had to work. We had to be successful. I honestly felt like it was my very last chance. Because, in those moments I saw my options for another child, this grand life, and all my goals slipping through my finger tips. We had to work. Right?

No. We didn’t. We weren’t good for each other. We weren’t focused on the same agenda. We didn’t have the same goals. We just weren’t right for each other. I had to get that into my rock hard skull. I had to learn to live without him. 

I had to learn that we only entertain what’s important to us, and he wasn’t really entertaining me. 

I had to learn that if it worked out, this would always be my life. I would always be hurt. I would always be disappointed. I had to learn that we weren’t creating a partnership, he was teaching me how to settle. I had to learn that  his love would never be enough for me. I had to learn that it wasn’t the sacrifice I was meant to make. 

And, I’m still learning how to let go. I’m still figuring out how to let go of the investment I made with zero return. Because that’s what it’s all about. 

Really, that’s it. 

I gave so much for us. I invested so deeply. I tried so hard. There’s gotta be a payoff, right?

No. 

Sometimes there’s nothing left. Sometimes you just lose. I lost. But, it’s kinda losing the battle not the war.

 
Because winning is sometimes losing, right? I’m choking on my on words. 

I’m on the other side of that chaos. Still wishing we had a friendship to show for the time we spent in each other’s lives, but grateful that he left me in a place to meet this new guy. 

Because this guy is making an equal investment, and I’m looking forward to all the adventures, life, goals, and opportunities we will explore TOGETHER. 

“Last night took an L, but tonight I bounce back.” -Big Sean

This shouldn’t be complicated. 

I only want two things. I want someone to believe in me, and I want someone to fight for me. That’s it. It’s that simple. 

My last two relationships blew up in my face. They were both men that promised me something they couldn’t commit to. I was hurt. I tried so hard, and I remained their friends. I’m supportive. I cheer for them. I want the best for them. I know it will never progress. 

I fought for them. I loved them. I sacrificed for them. I would bend nearly in half. I was in. Both times. And, it didn’t work. They couldn’t, or wouldn’t, come through for me consistently. They were both so broken, and I was ill equipped to fix them. 

And, I gave up. After minutes, months, and years of doing my part, I gave up. Do you know how hard it is to walk away from someone who tells you they love you? It’s devestating. Because if you’d said that you didn’t love me it would all make sense. 

I tried. I know I tried.

You see your ex…

There’s nothing more painful, in that moment, than seeing your past happily out with their new present. It’s devastating. It’s like being kicked in the gut, and it takes everything you’ve got to maintain your composure. It’s a fight or flight moment, and your legs feel like gelatin, your heart is racing, your head is firing off thousands of memories, and the situation is closing in on you.

You want her to slap his face. You want her to instantly hate him. You want her to be furious for any reason. Because the look of devastation on his face would be the only thing that could make everything better.

And one day, maybe, his FB status changes to single. You just happened to notice or someone messy tells you. She’s gone. He’s alone, and probably upset. And, you feel amazing.

Just don’t go back.

Because your closure is his unhappiness.

Sounds awful, and it kinda is.

But, the very best remedy to my broken heart is your broken heart. It’s better than any apology. Having the opportunity to witness or know you’re devastated, makes all my pain lessen. It’s true.

This is another of those times I’m saying what other people are thinking and refuse to say. It’s not cute or kind, but it’s true.

Reverse of that is…

You’re out, with the new guy. You’re having a comfortable time enjoying the newness of your relationship. Then, you spot him. It’s the past, and you knew that you’d run into him again, but you didn’t expect it to happen like this. You were supposed to be dressed to impress with a full face of make up and surrounded by 10 handsome men attending to your every need. You’re just hanging out. Casual. And, you’re with him, the present. A part of you feels great. This is the next closest thing to your original plan.

But, you loved him. And, the sad look on his face seeing you out with the present stings a little. You didn’t want to hurt him, as much as you wanted to be free of his chaos.

Now, it’s fight or flight. He saw you. He saw you happy. He saw you with the present, and that’s enough. You’re done. That’s your closure. Because in that moment he realized that he lost an amazing woman in you, you are no longer an option, and he screwed up.

His unhappiness is your closure.

I met someone.

So, I met someone. Yep.

Life moves fast. You can’t let the grass grow under your feet, right?

The new guy, Mister. That’s how I’ll regard him until we see if he sticks around. Mister is a really nice guy. He comes across genuine and ready for a grown folks relationship.

He checks in with me. Wants to know how my day went. He’s been my sounding board and my confidant. He makes me laugh, and he thinks I’m hilarious. Mister gives me space when I need it, and he makes himself available to me.

When I told him that I have no idea what the next 6 months holds for me, I don’t know how long I’ll call Houston home, he said we will just focus on the moment. Swoon. He just wants this time to count. He just wants to be the highlight of my life here. Wow. Those were all the right things to say, sir. Kudos.

I wouldn’t usually do the rebound thing. I know I’m still an emotional mess after the last guy, but this feels good. This is easy. I’m not stuck feeling like I’m attempting a two man job by myself. Mister wants me, too. I feel like this guy could be a great guy even if he’s not the guy. And, that’s okay, too.

Welcome to my life, and my blog, Mister! Yay!!!

Don’t screw this up…

Can you handle that?

If you let me go, I’m gone. Can you handle that?

I think we forget that done means done forever. What you do in emotion could stick for life. Can you handle that?

I give everything I’ve got to my relationships. I go in 100%, and work my derrière off for happiness. I am a great woman, amazing girlfriend, submissive when necessary, and independent to my core. I don’t need a man. I desire one. Makes everything different. 

I could get some letters of reference if you don’t believe me.

If you burn this beautiful bridge with me, if you walk away, if you’re done make sure that’s what you want. Because when I’m done…I’m done. And, I’m marketable enough to find someone else. And, you will realize that you let an amazing chick go.

Again, I could get some letters of reference if you don’t believe me.