I don’t think I genuinely like the new guy. I don’t think that my feelings match his. I’m not ready. I’m not really into this. I said I wanted more than I actually want. Don’t be mad.
I’m totally disappointed in the old guy. He hurt me for sport.
I’m ready for commitment, but I’m not great at it.
When I try, I get shit on. When I don’t try, I shit on someone else.
It’s a no win situation.
I slept on this post. Tried to figure out how to own all the emotion that goes with it.
Here goes, and it’s the best I’ve got.
Nothing hurts me worse than trying and failing. It’s devastating. Especially in relationships. Especially. In. Relationships.
I’m typically so absent from my feelings. I’m rational and logical. I don’t lead with emotion. It’s not my thing. I’ve built emotional walls all around me like a fortress…none come in and none go out. It’s defensive, and it usually works. But sometimes, I slip up. And, I try. And, I love someone. And when I love someone, I’m all in. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for that person. And, I’m forgiving. And, I’m understanding. I try incredibly hard to make things work. I want the best for them. I want to be the best to them. Their happiness is important to me.
I try not to sacrifice myself for them, but I typically do. I bend for them. I work towards our success. I work towards our future.
I love them the best way I know how.
So when that’s manipulated, disregarded, or trashed, it’s hard.
It probably took me a lot to get there in the first place. It probably required a lot of prayer and soul searching for me to love them. I probably had to make sacrifices. I probably second guessed that love. I probably did a million behind the scenes things to get myself to a point that I could express that love.
And, it didn’t work.
And, I don’t know what to do. Because, I wouldn’t have driven all this way to be disappointed.
I don’t know if I can do it again. The silence is peaceful and alone isn’t always lonely.
I don’t want to like anyone that’s not guaranteed.