9 signs he’s terrible and you should dump him…

9 signs he’s terrible and you should dump him. Okay Cosmo, I’ll take the bait.

9 signs he’s terrible and you should dump him…

1. He answers your text questions in a way that intentionally does not lead to more conversation. If “hey, wanna get some ice cream on Saturday?” is met with “ok,” you’re not off to a great start.

Can we just refer to this as my heart crushing blow? I didn’t even realize this was happening until I received an “ok” text while reading this article. And, while going through our text messages there were lots of long engaging texts from me that he met with that same “ok.” So he’s just not that into me, huh? Wow…ok.

2. His body language is very withdrawn right after sex.

Seriously?! That’s the perfect time to at least fake intimacy. How hard is a hug, a little cuddle, or a quick high-five to ensure you get another romp in the future? If nothing else, you should be doing this in appreciation of what just happened.

3. He looks annoyed that he “has to” pay for food and drinks.

So, I’ve always thought paying was the responsibility of the requestor. Whoever requests the date should be prepared to pay for it. And make full, COMPLETE, plans. So if you can’t swing high quality, overpriced, surf-n-turf, don’t make plans there! The gist of this is, make plans, keep those plans, finance those plans, and do so as a willing participant.

When things are unclear, default goes to him.

4. He doesn’t care if you catch him looking at other women.

I will scoop his eyes out of his head with a rusty spoon if I think I see him checking out another woman while we’re out. Look but don’t touch means don’t get caught. He should look like a trained ninja spy. If he can’t respect you enough to be inconspicuous, you don’t need to read any further. You’re done. Text him your goodbye, and put his things in a cardboard box, on the curb, for who ever picks it up first.

5. He fails to remember details about previous dates.

Details? Big or small? He must remember the big stuff, but I don’t care if he remembers much of the small stuff. Men are wired differently. They don’t focus as much attention on the details. But I expect him to remember major events in our lives, major experiences and key moments are a necessity.

If he never notices my earrings, who cares. He better notice the energy and effort I put in looking nice for him, though.

6. He’s not psyched about inviting you to meet his friends.

But when? Eventually y’all have to break your love bubble and go out into the world. Introductions must be made, but only when the two of you are ready. If you’re pushing for introductions and he’s refusing you need to investigate that resistance and possibly take a LONG look at your relationship. Or if you start making those introductions and he doesn’t, this may not be headed in the same direction for both of you.

7. He breaks up with you, but still texts you late at night. Let’s be clear: these are not “I still have feelings for you” texts. These are “I want to have sex with you” texts.

Liking who you are versus that little thing you do, are TOTALLY different. Don’t get confused. He will keep you on his sexual call list forever, if you allow it. Are you comfortable being his booty call knowing that 2, 8, and 9 are inevitable?

8. He mentions your physical flaws, particularly when you haven’t really established that level of intimacy.

Unless he is the perfect mix of Shemar Moore, Tyson Beckford, and Channing Tatum, he should never discuss your flaws outside of concerns for your health or well-being. Period.

9. If you ever get a “hmmm, you’re still here?” vibe from him when you’re at his apartment.

Run. Don’t walk. Don’t look back. Let go of anything you left behind.

No one who is interested in you will want you to feel uncomfortable. He should be focused on making you feel at home in his space, just as you should for him.

Take a look at your relationship. Be sure you’re on the same wavelength, traveling in the same direction. Be honest with yourself. If he’s not the man your looking for, let go!

The right guy is out there. And if you meet yours first, see if he has a friend for me.

Who’s gonna catch you?

I’ve already given my back story.

I’ve had little emotional support in my life. My parents just weren’t wired to be emotional providers. I’m not upset with them for that, but it’s definitely taken a toll on how I handle relationships. I now realize that’s something I need.

I’m looking for my soft spot to fall. I need a man who is going to support me when I spin out. I need the man who is always ready and willing to catch me.

This is a tall request. Most of the men I’ve dealt with committed to being that guy, but they were so emotionally starved they ended up needing me to be that girl. Huh? What?

Someone in this relationship needs to be emotionally sound. We can’t both need years worth of emotional-centered therapy. I cannot provide that for you. I just asked you to provide that for me.

Can we get therapy on a twofer?

This is on my list. I’m in search of, waiting for, praying for, the man who is going to provide me with some emotional stability. It’s a deal breaker otherwise.

I need the support.

I need the soft spot.

I need someone ready, willing, and able to catch me.

The LIST

It occurred to me that I have referenced “The LIST” a number of times, without giving much direction on how to create one.

Here we go. Pencils ready?

1. List the qualities and attributes you want in a partner.

2. Define what you mean. Be brief.

3. Organize them between wants and needs.

4. Commit to your list.

5. Keep your list available. Keep it relevant. They are subject to change.

I started my list of the qualities I’m looking for. Wait, I’m not supposed to be looking. Qualities I’m praying for.

1. Compassion. I’m a tough chick. Not too many things can get me down. Nothing breaks me, and I seldom bend. But if I do bend slightly, I want you to be the one I go to. I want you to have a compassionate hear and a shoulder if I need to cry.

2. Confidant. I have friends. I have this blog. I have multiple means to get things off my chest, but I rather run to you. I want my man to be my best friend.

3. Provider. I can take care of my son. I can provide financial and emotional support to him, but I find it’s far more difficult to emotionally support myself. And although I don’t need your funds to pay the bills, it would be nice to build more leisure for us all with some help.

4. Willing to sacrifice. Can you consider my feelings, wants, and needs even when they aren’t in line with yours? Will you choose us, or me, over you when it matters most?

5. Cleans up well. I’m a casual girl. Most of my clothing comes from one of the Gap, Inc. brands. I don’t need a man in 3 piece suit from day to day. But, I expect you to be dressed well most of the time, and clean up impeccably.

6. Conversationalist. We have to be able to talk. And, our conversations need to be in a vast array of topics. You need to initiate an equal amount of those conversations.

7. Attractive. Attractive to me. I like oddity and character. Your uniqueness is attractive, but I also want a face I adore and a body I desire.

8. Superhero. Sounds crazy, but that’s it. It’s my best description. I want to feel like there’s nothing you can’t do. You are strong and a force to be reckoned with. You protect us. You care for us. You have an “S” on your chest, too. I want you to be everything I envision a superhero to be.

9. Integrity. You MUST be a man of integrity. I will not settle for dishonesty or poor principle. Your integrity ensures you being a family man and all that entails. It guarantees your commitment to our relationship, our family, and our future.

These are all requirements. I left my petty wants off this list, but stuff like being taller than me is still on my master list. These were some of the top things I’ve highlighted on my long list. These are my deal breakers. If you can cover all this, we might be able to be the same height.

Disclaimer: I’ve been making and revising my list for more than a decade. Life changes. Your needs and expectations change, too. The list is supposed to be a guide to avoid settling for less than what you need in a relationship. It’s not meant to be a vain blueprint for a man that doesn’t exist. Be realistic.

Disclaimer 2: Remember he may expect you to live up to the same traits you require of him. And, he probably has his own list. This isn’t a meat market. It’s about finding your perfect connection.

And, it is always with me as a resource and reminder.

The LIST was referenced before in blog posts The LIST: brainstorming and Is a bad man better than no man?

Is a bad man better than no man?

Go ahead…tell me your lies. Because the same chicks that say absolutely not, are the chicks who are dating the men they are condemning. Go ahead…I’m ready.

And if you aren’t her, you’re friends with her. And, you’re sitting beside her helping to justify why she’s still with him. She loves him, right?

We are terrified to be alone. We probably pray to God for the perfect relationship more than we pray for our health. We will stay long after we should have left out of fear that there will never be anyone else. I get it. We have all been there.

Step back and look at your situation. Are they bringing you more than they are taking away? Would the unemotional you have left this relationship already? Do you see a happily ever after with this person? Are you loving your significant other or terrified to not have anyone to love?

Valid questions.

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We are settling ladies! We are expecting and accepting less than what we want. And because so many of us are in this rut, we are making it impossible for the girls who don’t want to settle. We have conditioned so many of the men to just show up. We aren’t asking much. We aren’t demanding anything. And human nature is LAZY! If you don’t require anything you get nothing. NOTHING.

So what are we going to do to change the game? The list. If you are honest with yourself, and realistic, you are requesting an attainable man that’s well suited for your needs. Pray over your list, and then work on you.

Work. On. You. YES. Too often you expect God to deliver perfection and you are barely on the D-list. Are you a match for what you’re requesting?

If you want a man who is in tip top shape, carry your behind to the gym! Number 1: He might be there. Number 2: He’s going to expect you to be physically fit too.

If you are asking for an intelligent man, you need to be able to talk about more than RHOA and Basketball Wives.

If you want an immaculate dresser, you’re gonna have to push your own wardrobe past tees and jeans.

These men aren’t being created like Weird Science. They are going to have expectations too. If you want him to live up to your list you need to be prepared to live up to his too.

Seek out your perfect relationship. Don’t give up. Don’t settle. Spend this time creating your best!

Disclaimer: A bad man for you may be good for someone else and vice versa. We are looking for our personal connection. Don’t get caught up in any ridiculousness.

The LIST: brainstorming

I think the men of my past, go around finding men like themselves and send them my way. They probably tell them, “have fun. She’s a sucker for guys like us.” Then they probably high five.

I can’t be the only one trapped in a man cycle. And, thankfully it’s not that bad. I don’t like bad boys. I don’t attract abusive men. My type is gainfully employed, attractive, funny, and…wait for it…as emotionally unavailable as me, and together we are hopelessly trying to build a relationship.

What?! Huh?! Impossible…I know.

So, how do I stop the cycle? I’m gonna make a list. Yep, THE LIST. I’m gonna make a NEW list of all the qualities and attributes I’m looking for in a man. Then I’m gonna commit to the list. Meaning that although I don’t need one man to be everything on the list, my next man needs to be at least 3/4 of it.

If you are making a list too, be reasonable. We all want him to be movie star gorgeous and richer than God. But, what we need are honest, loyal, compassionate men that are focused on successful relationships. Remember that, and make your list. We can compare notes when we finish.